"They're all staring."
"Smile and wave, Merlin. Smile and wave."
"Oh my God."
"Can you try to be at least a little bit subtle about your mental breakdown? The eyes of the world are on us, you oaf. And it's not like this is our first public date. We've been going out for two years. Everyone knows. You've been as stealthy as an unstealthy thing."
"It's our first official, you-doing-your-job-and-me-as-your..."
"Plus one? Arm candy? Princess Bride?"
"Date. Me as your date. It's the first time I've been officially in the public eye, and you know it, and I'm allowed to freak out a bit. This is a totally reasonable time to start feeling horribly self-conscious and to wish I'd brought a spare pare of trousers. I am bricking it, Arthur."
"Smile and wave, for fuck's sake, and stop freaking out. If you give them an inch they'll take a mile. A dozen miles. All your bloody land and your neighbour's land too. What I'm saying is the press are a bunch of vultures, so keep calm and carry on. Smile and wave."
"How do you do that? Seriously, how are you bitching at me without moving your lips?"
"Years of practice. Smile and wave. It's fine. For a first ever public appearance as a couple, this is actually a great choice. Everyone's more interested in watching to see whether Sir Ian McKellen's going to stride into the middle of Danny Boyle's little mini-Shire in a Gandalf outfit juggling geese than they are in ogling the heir to the throne and his hot boyfriend."
"Are you blushing?"
"You're blushing! Like a Jane Austen character!"
"I can still turn you into a frog, you know."
"Frog Prince. It's not like there's no precedent."
"You wouldn't dare!"
"Hunith would have your guts for garters!"
"Oh. Well. Yes, there is that."
"She likes me more than you."
"She's my Mum, you berk! Just because you're the bloody Prince of Wales, and a bit gorgeous, and....oh, God, she probably does like you more than me."
"Ha! So there - you can't turn me into a frog."
"There really are a hell of a lot of people, aren't there?"
"There's no wonder you're on track to get a First, with lightning observation skills like that, Merlin. Ow! Oy, no elbowing me in the ribs while we're on camera!"
"I do hope it doesn't suck. I mean, there's no way we'll be able to top the Beijing Olympics, is there? Not realistically. Oh, God, I do hope it won't be a total disaster. It's been bad enough listening to the news every day - ticketing fuckups and security fuckups and striking border guards and the wrong flag being shown for the Koreans...I do hope it doesn't suck."
"Arthur, relax. It won't suck."
"What do you know about it?"
"Merlin! Merlin, you wretch, do you know what they're going to do? How do you know what they're going to do? I'm the Prince of Wales and I don't bloody know! Is this a magic thing?"
"No. Well, a bit. Gaius was one of the technical consultants, and we discussed some of the, er, more challenging elements of the show."
"You...I...you sneaky bugger!"
"And I may have made a few suggestions. But it's almost entirely Danny Boyle's own vision."
"Stop gloating, Merlin. It's not attractive."
"Yes it is."
"I hate you."
"You love me."
"I'll love you more if you tell me what the big fuss is about Father's grand entrance. He's been ever so close-mouthed about it. He isn't coming riding in on a unicorn or anything ridiculous, is he?"
"But you know! You bloody know, don't you? And you didn't tell me!"
"Arthur, if you think I'm suicidal enough to go breaking promises to your dad, you haven't met your dad. Or me. He - ah - he scares the living daylights out of me, frankly. He's looking forward to surprising you, and I've been sworn to secrecy. You, um, you could say I'm on His Majesty's Secret Service."
"...why are you sniggering?"
"I could tell you, Arthur, but then I'd have to kill you. I do have a license to kill."
"No you don't."
"I could have. Actually, shit, I do, you know. Technically. Although I'd never really thought about it like that, like Ja - like a spy."
"Shush! Shush, they're starting, it's the count down! Look! Ten, nine, eight..."
* * *
"Kenneth Branagh! Gilderoy Lockhart! ...Hang on, isn't this from 'The Tempest'?"
"Everyone knew that Danny Boyle was basing things around a bit of 'The Tempest'! Where have you been for the past seven years?"
"No, no, everyone did not know that the Opening Ceremonies were going to be based around Shakespeare's only play about a wizard, read by an actor famous for playing a wizard. Anything you want to tell me, Merlin?"
"I don't know what you're talking about. Branagh's famous for lots of things. Ahem. Look, they're rolling up the grass!"
* * *
"It looks like Mordor down there, with all this Industrial Revolution stuff."
"The drumming's brilliant, though, isn't it?"
"Yeah. Oh. Oh! I see what they're...is that one of the Olympic Rings? Oh my God, are they making One Ring To Rule Us All?"
"Pretty sure it's going to be FIVE! GO-OLD! RIIIIIINGS!"
"Merlin, whoever told you you have a lovely singing voice was lying. It was Hunith, wasn't it? Please don't sing."
"You love my singing. Anyway, I'm just saying - yes! There, see? Five Olympic Rings."
"That's rather good, actually. Although...ha, is Sauron going to show up and start doing the can can with half a hundred ring wraiths? ...Merlin? Merlin, what's that look supposed to mean?"
"I guarantee Sauron isn't going to show up. Probably."
"You're still sniggering. Bloody hell, you're so annoying when you're keeping secrets!"
"You know you love the antici...."
"Just say it, Merlin."
"You're not funny, you know."
"...pation! There, I've said it for you, so you can stop trying to sound like Frank'n'Furter. You don't have the legs for it, anyway."
"I do so have the legs for it! I'd look bloody fabulous in a pair of fishnets and heels!"
"You would n... you...I...ngah!"
"Your FACE! Holy...is this a kink I didn't know about, Arthur? Do you want me to dig out that dress Morgana put me in on Raisin Monday?"
"No. No, I really don't. But some day, when I'm very very drunk, I'll show you the photos of Father when he was at University, and he dressed up as Frank. It's...it has to be seen to be believed. Now shut up and watch the ceremony. And don't you dare make any cheap gags about burning rings of fire!"
* * *
"Oooh, home! Hello, home! Did you know about this bit? Look it's the - oh! Is that Daniel Craig? Oh, brilliant! Bond! I love Bond."
"Where's he...is that...OH MY GOD! THAT'S MY FATHER!"
"OH MY GOD DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS?"
"I told you I was on His Majesty's Secret Service! Look at his face, Arthur! He's loving every minute of it!"
"...He's in a Bond movie! Oh, he's going to be insufferable about this, you know. And - is that - Merlin, tell me my father isn't actually flying here in a helicopter. This is all virtual, isn't it?"
"He's perfectly safe. I promise that he's safe."
"...that's a stunt man, isn't it? They wouldn't let the actual King jump out of a helicopter into a stadium full of people. That would be ridiculous. Merlin. Merlin? Tell me that's a stunt man."
* * *
"SECOND TO THE RIGHT AND STRAIGHT ON TILL MORNING?"
"...I might have suggested a detail or two, possibly."
"I do love you, you idiot."
"Wait until you see the army of Mary Poppins clones doing battle with Voldemort."
"Now I know you're taking the piss."
* * *
* * *
"Ha! Chariots of Fire? Oh, very appropriate."
"This wasn't my idea."
"Is that - ha! Look at that, Baldrick! It's Rowan Atkinson! God, I love him."
"This...might have been my idea, just a little bit. Um."
"Oh my...is that ...Merlin, tell me that isn't Mr Bean running down the West Sands? In St Andrews? Past the...holy shit, that's Hamilton Hall, and there's Morgana's flat! You've....oh God. It's a 'Bean Scene' in St Andrews. You got Danny Boyle to include a visual pun about our coffee shop"
"I told you it was going to be mmmmmph!"
"...you realise that this is going to be all over the papers in the morning?"
"Good. Come back here, you soppy git. I need to kiss the living daylights out of you right this minute."
"Well if you insi...mmmmph!"