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“Please... I have homework tonight and suddenly I was climbing a wall. I can't handle one more misfortune tonight!”
The robber flicked open a switch blade, gesturing threateningly in Peter's direction.
“Oh no, sir! Small, pointed objects. Please, anything but-”
A web shot from Peter's hand and quickly, securely attached the criminal's hand, along with his knife, to the side of the alley wall.
“Now, if you had only listened to me, you might have been able to go home peacefully.” Spider-Man smirked under his masked as he climbed down from the wall and sauntered up to the robber. “I'm just kidding, you would have gone to jail either way.”
“Though he probably is going to make you drop the soap in this scenario.”
Immediately Spider-Man's attention and guard went up as he scanned the area, surprised to find himself faced with another red suited man.
“Who are you? Another wannabe?” Peter took in the appearance, and similar style to their costumes.
The stranger chuckled softly. “Oh yeah, of course. Got the sticky webs and everything!” He shot out his hands in a similar gesture as Spider-Man often did and Peter jumped up on the nearest wall to avoid being hit with... air.
This time the stranger broke out into hysterical laughter.
“Funny.” Spider-Man said flatly.
“Hilarious even. This guy sure is getting a kick out of it.” The stranger had made his way to the apprehended criminal and had put his arm around his free shoulder. The criminal was squirming but couldn't get anywhere and it was hard to tell if he wanted to be free of the web or the red and black suited man.
“Now. Spidey. If I may ask you the smallest hint of a favor.” The man spoke formally, professionally and that served to calm Peter a bit. But even as he climbed down off the wall, he still refused to trust him.
“What?”
“Can I have your autograph?” The stranger pulled out a notepad from seemingly his ass with surprising enthusiasm.
“Are you kidding me?” Peter did not know how to react to this man, webbing him and possibly bringing him to an insane asylum sounded like the most appropriate course of action.
“I'm your biggest fan. I've read all your comics, even starred in some!”
Yes, webs, white straight jackets and padded rooms. Good call, Peter. Let's do that.
“Woah! Come on! I've got some kinks but at least take me out to dinner first!” Was the stranger's only reaction to being webbed entirely to a wall. His voice eventually faded as Peter left him there to be collected by the police he alerted to the robber.
- - - - - -
“Hey dad, do you know a superhero in a red and black suit. Mask kind of looks like a skull. And has way too many firearms on him to be legal.”
“Mouth run non-stop?” Tony asked without looking up from his new experiment to create better arrow tips for Hawkeye.
“Yeah.”
“Deadpool. Not a superhero.”
“Villain?”
“You could make an argument for that. And against that.”
“Dad, you're being vague again.”
“Just don't get involved, Peter. That kid is about fifty more bags of cats on the insane chart than Loki ever dreamed of.”
Peter eyed his father suspiciously but trusted his judgment. Normally he was right about these sort of things, and he did sense something off about Deadpool.
- - - - - -
“Yo, Spidey!” Deadpool's greeting was quickly interrupted by one of Peter's webs aimed for his face and he was forced to dodge, rather gracefully Peter would have to admit.
“Deadpool, I'd love to stay and chat but really that would be a lie.” Spider-Man finished apprehending the criminals of a car jacking.
“I think we should get something eat to celebrate yet another of your petty crime arrests.” Deadpool strutted along the roof that Spider-Man had jumped to and he wasn't sure how Deadpool had gotten up here that fast.
“How about Shawarma? I hear your dads love Shawarma! Hey, that's my personal space!”
Instantly Peter had turned around and took the scruff of Deadpool's costume around his neck tightly in his hand.
“My dads?” Peter questioned, threats of unspoken violence creeping into his voice. How could a psycho this inept know his secret identity?
“Oh you know. Sherlock Holmes and I want to have his adopted babies.”
Spider-Man's head titled ever so slightly before letting Deadpool go and turning to walk away. Dad was right. Fifty sackfuls of squirming, dumb kittens.
“Nope, wrong. Iron Man and Cap. Getting warmer?”
The tension in Spider-Man's shoulders couldn't have lied as he stopped in his tracks. Glancing over his shoulder, he took in Deadpool's posture. Clearly the man was pleased with himself, but Peter had no idea why he thought he was that funny.
“Tell me what you know.”
- - - - - - -
“And then Rochambeau, I kicked him in the balls.”
Peter burst out laughing, nearly falling off his bed. “Wade, you did not!”
“Don't question my superior logic.” Wade kicked Peter gently in the thigh, nudging him closer off the edge of the bed.
“You did not kick my Pop in the testicles. Never happened.”
“Just like you didn't bondage my sexy ass to the wall on our first date.” Wade's eyebrow quirked up playfully and Peter rolled his eyes, kicking his friend in the chest before pulling himself up.
“I webbed your dumbass to the wall for talking to much. And it wasn't a date. I was arresting a robber.”
“That's not how I remember it!”
“Yeah, well, you remember Arbor Day as the day the trees finally revolted against enslavement and refused to have Twilight printed on them.”
“Ah it was a glorious day for all tree kind.”
“You're an idiot.”
“And I need to have a word with you, son.”
Peter sighed, nearly face palming into Wade's lap but catching himself and getting off the bed. “Coming Pop.”
Steve did not look impressed when Peter closed the door behind him, silencing the punchline of one of Wade's jokes about freezer burn.
“Where's dad? Isn't he normally the one barging in to toss Wade out the front door?” Peter glanced down both lengths of the hallway.
“He's letting me field this one.” Steve spoke calmly, evenly. Peter could only assume that his father was actually being detained downstairs after being seconds from putting on the Iron Man suit.
“Are you going to ask me to kick Wade out again? Because, you know Pop, he'll just come back. I tried. At the beginning, I really tried to get rid of him but that man is like a boomerang covered in tree sap.”
“I – no... that's not.” Peter knew this voice. It was the kind of voice Steve used when Tony brought up their sex life in public.
Before Peter could sigh, protest or flee to the safety of his bedroom where he could plead with J.A.R.V.I.S. to lock the door and mute the com, Steve continued as confidently as his rising blush would allow.
“Peter. Listen, I know... this is a developing time in your life.”
“Pop...”
“There are changes that are happening – different from the changes you went through in becoming Spider-Man.”
“No...”
“I want to make sure that... if you're doing anything with- with anyone that you're safe.”
Peter suddenly decided that he liked Tony's version of 'the talk' – with extra swearing, extra nudity and tales of days when he and Steve first met – much better than this embarrassment that he was sure Wade was listening to on the other side of his door.
“Pop. Stop. Please.”
“Peter, you need to be careful. I can't... I won't tell you that you're not allowed to see him. Although Tony will say otherwise. It's your life.”
“Pop, you don't need to-”
“And I trust you. But Wade is not someone you can rely on. He's not the kind of friend you want fighting on your team.”
Peter's eyebrow rose about three inches off his forehead. “You just meant. Friends. He's not a good friend to help me fight crime?”
“Is there anything else I should know?”
“No! No, no. Nothing except... Wade doesn't really help me fight crime. At all. Actually he only shows up after I've finished and mocks me.”
Steve stared his son down suspiciously, but seemed to accept this statement. “Good.”
“Yes.”
Steve and Peter continued to stare into each others eyes, testing the other one, trying to see if there was anything more to what they were saying.
“Are we done?” Peter finally got up the courage to end this typical father-son interrogation they'd gotten used to over the years.
“For now.” Steve spoke cautiously, unsure if it was truly over because he wasn't entirely sure if he was missing something. Tony would have probably picked it up five minutes ago. But Tony wouldn't have lasted this long talking about Peter's new friend.
“Okay... bye Pop.”
“He leaves at ten.”
“Sure, Pop.”
Steve looked him over one last time before turning and walking down the hall. Peter sighed when he disappeared from his sight and leaned back against his door, nearly exhausted from having to keep on his toes.
The door opened abruptly and Peter nearly let out a startled yelp as he fell back against Wade's chest, his arms wrapping around his tightly.
“That was a close one.” Wade whispered into Peter's ear. “Nearly caught on to our plans to run away to Canada and elope.”
Peter rolled his eyes and elbowed Wade in the spleen to push him back inside the room. “Shut up, Wade.”