Dean really, really hated nature. Like, a lot. But when Sam had mentioned that maybe he’d wanted to take a hike through the woods – “It’s a national forest, Dean. It’ll be beautiful, for fuck’s sake” – Dean had grumbled but eventually gave in. Like usual. Seriously, Sam owed him some major back pay for favours rendered over the years, now that Dean thought about it.
So anyway, they were hiking through the woods, taking in nature’s splendour or whatever. Sam was frolicking ahead of him, sighing at the splendour of the spruces and gasping at the grandeur of the, um. Of the greenness. Dean was tromping along behind, scowling at the twigs that kept trying to gouge his eyes out.
“Look Dean, a bobolink,” Sam whispered, pointing at a bird. “Isn’t it lovely?”
Dean burped hugely and grinned as the bird took off. Sam scowled back at him.
“You know what, fine,” Sam said, brushing rather rudely past Dean to head back the way they’d come. “You don’t want to be here, I get it. We’ll just head back and drive somewhere stupid and destroy the environment and…”
His voice trailed off as he got further away. Dean, meanwhile, sat down on a rock on the side of the path and dug some leftover M&Ms out of his pocket. Sam would be back, he knew, and Dean would have to be contrite, he knew, and then they’d go hiking somewhere stupid and Dean wouldn’t even be able to set anything on fire. But Sam had been under a bit of stress lately, what with saving Dean from his deal, and then saving the world from Lilith, so Dean figured he could deal with slogging to the top of a mountain and then giving his brother head to say sorry for burping at the bobolink.
Dean popped another M&M in his mouth and tried not to be grossed out by the smell of fresh air.
There was a rustling sound from the path, and Dean smirked as he turned to Sam. Except it totally wasn’t Sam, and Dean nearly died as he choked on his M&M.
Because, dude. There was a fucking bear standing on the path, and Dean’s first thought – once he’d avoided disaster by swallowing the M&M – was that the damn thing had eaten Sam on the way down, acquired the taste for Winchester, and was coming up for seconds. So really, his next actions could be justified. They were not “stupid macho fuck-uppery,” as some people said, but were in fact evidence of his heroic awesomeness.
Dean let out a war cry and flung himself off the rock. The bear reared up and roared back – it was for sure twenty feet tall. At least.
“You killed my brother,” Dean hissed, edging sideways. “Prepare to die.”
They lunged at the same time, and bear met Winchester in a magnificent battle to the death. Neither opponent backed down as blood was drawn and bites were dealt and received.
“Diediediediedie,” Dean shouted in the bear’s ear from his place on its back.
“Mrawghg,” the bear shouted back, and slammed him into a tree.
Dean managed to hang on, though, and tightened his choke hold. Below him, the bear was losing consciousness, arms waving feebly. “Bluh,” it said, finally, and fell over unconscious.
Dean lay on top of it until he got his breath back, and then rolled off. He stank of bear, and as he regarded the bear he thought sadly of Sam, somewhere inside its giant bear belly.
“What the hell is going on,” something squealed behind him. Dean turned wearily, sure it was Sam’s ghost come back to ask why hadn’t he just looked at the stupid bird, and was confronted with the sight of Sam, actually alive.
“Whoa,” Dean said. “I thought you were dead.”
They stared at each other for a minute, before turning simultaneously to stare at the unconscious bear rumbling snores at Dean’s feet.
“Dude, I just wrestled a bear,” Dean said, awestruck at his own overwhelming awesomeness.
“It’s like you’re retarded or something,” Sam agreed, equally amazed.
In silent agreement, they left the bear on the path and headed back to the car.
“I can’t believe you beat a bear,” Sam said eventually. “Little old ladies beat you up weekly.”
“I can’t believe that bear even tried to take me on,” Dean replied, ignoring the little old lady crack. “I guess bears don’t know my reputation.”
“Jesus,” Sam sighed. “I can’t take you anywhere.”
“Damn straight,” Dean told him, and smacked his ass.