Dr. Clark says I have to start keeping a journal so fine, I'm keeping one. I don't know why I should bother. I mean, I know she'll be irritated if I don't write in it but it's not like she'll care about anything I have to say anyway. She'll just pick apart my words looking for the meaning underneath. That woman should have been a coroner. Maybe she was in another life.
Anyway. Write down mundane details, huh? Okay. Today we had Chinese for dinner, it was good. Lyddie ate most of the crab rangoons but whatever, I don't think Karen really likes them anyway. My fortune said "The eyes believe themselves; the ears believe other people." Typical BS but I'm sure Dr. Clark could get some kind of deep meaning out of it.
Karen has the TV on too loud in her room. I know my rent is way cheaper split between three people but sometimes I wish I didn't have roommates.
I'm tired but I don't want to sleep.
Walked to campus today. It was pretty nice out. Almost fell asleep in class because I slept so bad last night but what else is new. I think I must have allergies because this afternoon when I went in the bathroom my eyes were all red like I cried but I didn't. Took one of Lyddie's allergy pills tonight to see if it helps.
Midterms in a week already. Ugh. How does it go by so fast? I need to study but I can't do it at home because it's never quiet enough there. I should get some of those headphones that cancel out noise but whoops, no money.
Somebody needs to turn up the heat in the library. I'd been checking the shelves for a book for history class and some boy asked me if I was okay. Apparently I was shivering enough for other people to notice. Great.
Class is boring, life is boring, I don't sleep well because I have nightmares that I can't remember, rinse, repeat, that's my life, can I stop keeping this journal now?
All right fine. I'll get in trouble with Dr. Clark if I don't keep writing. I don't know. Class was all right, I guess. At least it's Friday. First midterm on Monday, oh joy.
Karen wants to get a dog but I won't let her get one. I don't even think the landlord would allow it.
When I got home from the store there were half a dozen pieces of paper apparently ripped out of a notebook with scribbles on them on the floor. Karen says she didn't do it and I don't know why she's lying. If she did it as a joke, I don't get it. It's just dumb. But I guess she is kind of a spazz anyway so who knows.
Like I should talk. She's not the one on lorazepam, after all.
Woke up crying this morning. That was fun. It must be from stress. I think I'm ready for the test tomorrow, though.
Today was weird. I was walking home and then I realized I was on the wrong street. Guess I was tired from the test and not paying attention to where I was going. I think I might be getting the flu, though, because I feel a little nauseous.
I snapped at Karen today. I didn't mean to. But she keeps bringing up the dog thing and come on. This apartment is a comfortable size for two people. Maybe if she wanted a cat I wouldn't mind but seriously. Besides, I'd bet anything that I'd be the one who would end up walking it and feeding it and everything. I feel bad because she really wants one but it's just not happening.
Appointment with Dr. Clark this morning. It was delightful as always. She didn't read my journal, she was satisfied just seeing I'd written in it. She's nice enough but I don't like her and I hate her office. The walls are like mauve and the chairs aren't soft enough, and there are stupid flowery paintings and she's got this cherub figurine that creeps me out.
We never get anywhere. I don't think we ever will. I know there's something wrong, but I don't know why I feel like that, and she wants to get to the root of why but I just don't know.
Two more tests today. They went okay, I guess. Just one more tomorrow and then that's it. I couldn't even study any more so I got a pizza and watched old Sesame Street clips online. I know, it's moronic, but it makes me feel better.
This place is nice and big but it's too quiet sometimes. I should get a dog.
NOT REAL CAN'T BE
Nice afternoon watching old movies on TV. Still not sleeping well but I guess I should be used to it by now. I really do think I have the flu, though, I almost threw up just out of the blue tonight.
The mirror in my room is broken. It must have fallen off the wall or something. I was here all day, though, I don't know how I didn't hear it.
On the way home from school I stopped at the corner store to get milk. I was standing in line and all of a sudden the woman behind me had her hand on my shoulder and looked all concerned and a little scared and the clerk was staring at me. The woman asked if I was okay and I said yes because isn't that what you always say but my throat hurt like I'd been yelling.
What's wrong with me?
I like peace and quiet but I'm starting to wish I had a roommate. It would make my rent cheaper, too. Maybe next semester I'll get one.
Well, I finally remember a dream I had. I was on a street and there was this guy who lived in a little blue house and he told me to look up, but I don't know what he was talking about. He left and I woke up. It was weird.
I threw up this afternoon. Definitely the flu.
My neighbor knocked on my door in the middle of the night because he said he heard a scream. I don't even know what he was talking about.
The hell did I do to the page before this one? I don't remem
I used to sleep walk, maybe I did it in my sleep. But I barely sleep anymore.
there are things
\\\\ \\\\ \\\
Got invited to a Halloween party but I didn't have a costume ready so I didn't go. Trick-or-treaters never bother with this building, anyway, since it's just poor college students in here and half the apartments are vacant anyhow. I don't even like Halloween. Why would I need a special day to be scared? I'm scared every day.
How can I not know why?
please let this not change please I am looking at it right now I know I remember I've seen so many anywhere everywhere the things with the
I called the office to get a refill on my prescription but it was prescribed by somebody named Clark and the lady said there's no one there named Clark. It must just be a misprint but she's convinced I stole the pills. Stupid.
they're on the ceiling why don't we look up why don't we ever
I know I've forgotten something. I need to remember. Why can't I remember? I have to, I have to remember.
What's wrong with the world?
What's wrong with me?
where is everybody
i don't know what they're called i don't know what they want the world feels wrong because it isn't our world it's theirs
please i don't want to forget i don't want to be forgotten please my name is