Sometimes all someone is looking for is a helping hand and a kind smile or a shoulder to cry on, a light in the darkness, something to carry them. Not everyone is able to find something tangible to hold onto. Sometimes they can only bury themselves into a lie…an obsession to chase away the shadows they are running from.
One such girl existed, buried herself into the fandom, the madness that was known as Loki, As Tom, as Hal. She threw herself into it…tried so hard to lose herself in the smile and those sharp eyes. Everything about him was so full of hope and promise. She too wanted to fill herself full of hope and promise, to be like him…to put one foot in front of the other until she climbed a mountain.
No matter how hard she tried though, she couldn’t stay lost in it. The hours spent clawing at shadows, following his twitter and everything he did. Always silently begging that he would notice her post and sent her a reply or something…anything. She was never that lucky, she was the fan who probably wasn’t interesting enough to catch his eye. At some point she stopped trying to catch his attention. She had nothing of interest to share with him and she knew she was nothing of interest.
She wasn’t the kind of girl who had the money to go to the places he did and to be apart of the fangirl madness. She wanted to though; she wanted to be like everyone else. The darkness always caught up with her, she was never able to out run it for long and the light in Tom’s eyes, the hope that was there wasn’t enough to keep her from sinking.
She tried other ways to lose herself, to escape the horror that lay inside of her mind. Tried everything from self-harm to giving herself with activities she use to enjoy. Nothing worked for long; there was nothing that pushed away the all-consuming harshness of those deadly thoughts.
Tom with his smile, his shining personality, and he was so sweet…so full of hope. Full of the light that she lacked so much of, part of her had hoped that somehow it was save her from herself. Lead her out of the nightmare in which she couldn’t ever awaken from, she had read so many people say that his grin alone was enough to make them smile...She really tried to believe that and lead herself to believe it did. His eyes and laugh were enough to stop someone from being depressed and to ease their crying. She tried…she really tried to lie to herself until she believed it and for a while she did.
However she could only lie to herself for so long, it gave her some sense of sanity…for a time. When she could no longer lie to herself, no longer find a place to run. She had to admit to herself that it was time to let go; she had convinced herself that there was nothing more left.
With one more glance around, the room was in order, she walked into her bathroom and took an object that would carve the path to her final release. Tom in all of his hope and light couldn’t save her. A fan had slipped through his fingers and he would never know.
On her computer desk was a picture of him, with the words written in red, “I’m sorry Tom…I tried.”