After Michael Scofield fucked up a gazillion lives and screwed over eleventy billion people by breaking out of Fox River, Alex Mahone needed to catch him and the rest of the Fox River 8. If he didn’t, the Company (a secret evily group of multinational douche nozzles masquerading as not-so-secret evily multinational douche nozzles like Walmart, Monsanto and Disney) were going to hurt his family and tell everyone about how he’d been fertilizing his yard with Shales’ corpse. He decided the easiest and best thing to do would be to recruit Ash Ketchum and his yellow electrified rat (because escaped cons are a lot like pokémon in the sense that you gotta catch ’em all, and Ash was pretty successful at this despite being, well, Ash Ketchum).
Also Mahone knew that most of the cons were essentially good men who had done essentially bad things but would be kind to children, especially Sucre and C-Note. Notice how PoC are nice to kids and all the white people do is scare them? Like Abruzzi, T-Bag, and Haywire; that crazy asshole stole that little girl’s bike. Except T-Bag, of course, who would probably rape and murder them for lulz. But it was a risk worth taking because T-Bag was basically a redneck Pedobear who could be easily lured into a kiddy-trap (lol, that’s what Mahone thought).
“What do you say, Pikachu?” asked Ash with the insufferable enthusiasm that Pikachu hated because he found it insufferable. “Think we can catch these guys?”
“Pika-pi!” exclaimed Pikachu, totally faking it like it was an orgasm. Which is Pikachu for FUCK YEAH MUTHAFUCKA! Pikachu was thinking about the reward money and how if he had some of it he could get finally get out of his emotionally and physically abusive relationship with Ash. Then he could flee to Panama and wouldn’t have to walk from town to town battling other pokémon like that’s all there is to life (which there isn’t, sorry for your lots Ash). YOLO! Pikachu thought, top-secretly pleased with his stripey, lightning-bolt-tailed self.
But first they would need bigger poké balls.
Naturally, Brock (who suffers from Florencenightingaleophilia or ‘being a perv’ as they say in layman’s terms) made heart-y eyes at her, but Katie didn’t know where the cons had gone so that was a dead end.
Meanwhile Bill Kim didn’t trust Agent Kellerman to spy on Sara so he ordered Team Rocket to keep an eye on him. Team Rocket’s boss, Giovanni, was a member of the Company and good friends with General Pad Man (which sounds like either a Black Panther or a drug dealer’s name, don’t you think?) Then again, he was an Army doctor or something and everyone knows doctors are always giving people drugs.
Agent K (Kellerman’s an MIB but NOT the Tommy Lee Jones one because Kellerman would probably protect the Earth – and by Earth I mean Planet America – from illegal aliens – and by illegal aliens I mean people who aren’t white and don’t speak American – not aliens from distant planets just so we’re clear) hated Jesse and James because they were incompetent boobs (much like his tubby dead partner Danny), but he liked Meowth because Meowth was a conniving little shit (much like him). Also, Meowth confided in Kellerman that he knew a lot about guns and slept with a wicked bad knife under his pillow because he often fantasized about stabbing his team mates to deathly death and running off with Glameow. If that was Facebook status, Agent Kellerman would have liked it. He had fantasies about killing everyone and running off with the president (not George Bush, mind you, because that would have been weird and gross, but Caroline Reynolds who was more like Hilary Clinton if Hilary Clinton was Mitt Romney with a vagina made of piranha teeth). Plus Meowth enjoyed all that tasty jerky Kellerman had lying around his place so it was a beautiful friendship just like in that famous black and white movie where the girl gets on a plane in the end.
Meanwhile, Ash, Brock and Misty were proving useless at finding leads, so Mahone figured out that Michael and his brother were headed to Utah to get DB Cooper’s money. And so was everyone else – holy shit!
“Utah sure is a long way from Chicago!” exclamation-(re)marked Ash. “Gonna take us a few years to walk there.”
Mahone made a sweat-drop face and told the black FBI lady to drive them to Tool, Utah.
Meanwhile, back in the Chi-Town – home of wind, Kanye West and more Irish-American cops than you can shake a stick at (but you wouldn’t shake any sticks at them ever because they’d shoot you, especially if you were a minority or were basically up to ill shit like shaking sticks at cops) – Team Rocket was spying on Kellerman and Meowth who were pretending to be junkies to earn Sara’s trust (because gay dudes and cats are obviously every single woman’s best friends).
What will happen next? Will Ash challenge Michael Scofield to a poké battle in Tool? Will T-Bag seduce Misty with his zombie-hand and deep-fried chicken accent? Will Sara be fooled by a pretend-gay guy and his cartoon cat? Will Kony be caught?
TO BE CONTINUED!