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John hadn’t expected the tentacle monster to come out of the toilet. This was his first mistake; his second was trying to flush the tentacle monster while zipping up his pants at the same time. If Dave wasn’t preoccupied with the succubus in the living room, John was almost certain that he would’ve laughed at him, and then made jokes about tentacle rape for ages afterward. John knew he would too because the last time they had fought a tentacle monster Dave had rented a movie that he had thought was sailor moon, but was definitely not.
“John.” Dave’s voice came loudly clear from the living room, he sounded a bit unnerved. Which, in the Strider-tonality equaled screaming in terror (he was quite proud he’d cracked the Strider-tonality actually, even if it had taken him a good five or so clients to figure it out).
“I’m a busy!” John yelled back, “There’s a fucking tentacle monster in the toilet!” He added, more as an afterthought than anything.
“Well, there’s a dead succubus on my dick.”
John sighed and grabbed the plunger, Dave always managed to one-up in these matters. He gritted his teeth and shoved the business end of the plunger on top of the tentacle monster. He didn’t know how that was going to work, but flushing hadn’t really fended off the tentacles, which had wrapped themselves around his upper arms and begun to explore his body. It was a bit distracting really, especially when they decided to caress his face and knock his glasses about.
“Dave, just shove the succubus off and come help me!” He yelled, trying to avoid the tentacles. His desperately pulled the plunger up and down, unsure if he was trying to force the monster down the toilet or out of it.
“…”
“Dave!”
“She used her teeth man,” Dave replied, sounded putout.
“Seriously?” John asked, “Why didn’t you push her off when she started using teeth?”
“She was going to town on me; I couldn’t just shove her off. It was like she was that fucking rabbit dude from a Christmas Story and my dick was a BB Gun. Kept telling her she was going to shoot her eye out but she didn’t even care because my di-“
“Dave! Come on, I am five minutes away from being the lead role in Tenta-boy 5 unless you man up and help me!” He grunted, and then squeaked as one of the tentacles tweaked his nipples through his shirt.
“Look, if I push her off there’s a good chance that my dick will snap in half like a twix bar. And as fucking delicious as my cock may be, I’d like to give more babes a chance to taste the sweet caramel flavor-“
“Dave, seriously!” John eeped, “If I end up with a tentacle up my ass I’m going to spray you with pheromones and leave you outside on a full moon!”
“Well if I end up without a dick, I’m going to pay Matthew McConaughey to brutally mock everything you’ve ever loved, including him. Then I’m going to film it and show it your birthday every year until you grow embittered with it-“
“Now is not the time for overextended meta-“ He let out a half-squeak half-moan, one of the tentacles had begun to rub his dick, “phors.”
“Maybe I would be more willing to help you if you didn’t keep interrupting me.” Dave pouted.
John put more energy into his plunging; he desperately wanted to get rid of this monster as soon as possible, especially before he started actually moaning. He felt one of the tentacles begin to feel up his ass and groaned, worried. However, the touch stopped, replaced by the sound of gunshots as Dave shot at the toilet.
“I can’t believe you man.” John said, relaxing as the tentacles slipped off him.
“I risked my dick for you, you don’t get to complain.” Dave replied, shoving John’s gun back into his holster.
They walked into the living room and admired the dead body of the succubus. Her outer mouth was wide open, but her inner one, full of sharp teeth, was puckered and seemed to have a bit of blood on it. John looked worriedly at Dave, but he seemed fine. He was pretty sure the “cool kid” would collapse into a pile of melodramatic pain the moment the danger ended if his dick had been majorly harmed. However, the bleeding part still seemed terrible, especially with his new boner reminding him that cocks were sensitive.
“So, I’d say this was a success.” John decided.
Dave raised an eyebrow, “I’m pretty sure the succubus was our client.”
“Success.” John said, smiling. He head towards the door, as if oblivious to the utter failure their mission had been.
“I didn’t fucking understand what the hell she hired us for anyway,” Dave decided, despite having early settled on the idea that she thought they were themed prostitutes.
“I think it was to get rid of the tentacles.”
“No way,” Dave replied, “She was succubus man.”
“Gross,” John replied, than thought it over. His eyes seemed to glaze over for a moment, and his boner reminded him of its existence once more.
They climbed into Dave’s Volvo, which he had decorated with a liberal use of glitter for irony’s sake, then began to drive off into the sunset. It wasn’t until they were half a mile down first that they realized they hadn’t been paid.
The end