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Twittering Avengers

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TonyStarkAkaGod Watching Bridezilla always makes me want to try on wedding dresses and cry into a trifle #sopretty
(245 Retweets)

PepperPotx @TonyStarkAkaGod ... should I be warning a certain star spangled man about your apparent descent into insanity?

TonyStarkAkaGod @PepperPotx It’s not insanity! Have you seen that programme?!

PepperPotx @TonyStarkAkaGod Unfortunately, yes. It didn’t make me want to cry into a trifle. It made me despair of humanity.

TonyStarkAkaGod @PepperPotx But they are nubile young women who only want their big day to go well! It’s heart-warming. Arc-reactor touching.

PepperPotx @TonyStarkAkaGod No, it’s nauseating.

TonyStarkAkaGod @PepperPotx Aw, Pep. I’ve created a hashtag just for you #cynicalCEOspinster

TonyStarkAkaGod Let’s get this trending! #cynicalCEOspinster
(362 Retweets)

PepperPotx @TonyStarkAkaGod Or we could get this trending instead #CEOhascontrolofyourstocks
(212 Retweets)

TonyStarkAkaGod @PepperPotx #CEOhasnosenseofhumour
(413 Retweets)

PepperPotx @TonyStarkAkaGod #CEOtakescareofyourcoffeeorder
(389 Retweets)

TonyStarkAkaGod @PepperPotx #bestCEOever
(620 Retweets)

TonyStarkAkaGod Goddamnit, why is THAT the one that’s trending?!

*

ThorButtockth GREETINGS, MIDGARDIAN FRIENDS! IT IS I, THOR ODINSON! FRIEND TONY HAS SET UP THIS ACCOUNT FOR ME IN ORDER TO SHARE MY VAST WEALTH OF KNOWLED
(1,901 Retweets)

CaptainStRogers @ThorButtockth ‘Knowled’?

ThorButtockth FRIEND STEVE, THAT WAS NOT WHAT I HAD INTENDED TO SCRIBE! IT APPEARS THAT FROST GIANTS HAVE INTERCEPTED MY MESSAGES TO THE PEOPLE! MAKE HAST
(2,711 Retweets)

BAMFClint @ThorButtockth I would make hast, Thor, if I knew what it was.

CaptainStRogers @ThorButtockth An Asgardian delicacy? If that’s the case, you can keep it. I still remember the last time you cooked something from Asgard.

BAMFClint They were mutton cakes, for anyone who’s wondering. They were the worst thing I’ve ever eaten. Tasted worse than failure.
(412 Retweets)

ThorButtockth WHAT IS THIS IMPRISONED ‘A’ YOU INSIST ON USING TO CONFER WITH ME? PERHAPS AN EMBLEM OF ‘AMERICA’?
(1,311 Retweets)

DeadlyNatasha @ThorButtockth Do you honestly think I would use it if it were an American symbol? Please.

CaptainStRogers @TonyStarkAkaGod Your experiment has gone horribly wrong, Tony. Introducing Thor to Twitter? Even worse than my first attempt.

TonyStarkAkaGod @CaptainStRogers On the contrary, young Padawan. All is going according to plan.

TonyStarkAkaGod @CaptainStRogers And is it really worse than your first go? You accidentally got ‘how to compose a twit’ trending worldwide.

CaptainStRogers @TonyStarkAkaGod I thought it was the Googling search thing!

TonyStarkAkaGod @CaptainStRogers I have to say, for a twit, you were very composed about it all.

TonyStarkAkaGod @CaptainStRogers Composed as balls.

DeadlyNatasha @TonyStarkAkaGod Must you reference your manly insecurities in every tweet to Steve, Stark? Some of us could go a day without it.

TonyStarkAkaGod @DeadlyNatasha I refuse to accept that the 'as balls' joke is dead. Comatose, maybe, but there's life in it yet.
(390 Retweets)

BAMFClint Oh, great. Now genitals are trending worldwide. Why do we bother trying to save this world?!

*

DeadlyNatasha I have been instructed to write something light-hearted and entertaining to help improve the public face of the Avengers.

DeadlyNatasha Once, I was walking in a field with my best friend when we heard a wild bird calling to its mate.

DeadlyNatasha Slowly, we approached the bird’s nest, curious to see what kind of bird it was and what it looked like.

DeadlyNatasha When we reached the nest, we saw a beautiful eagle, sitting proud and tall on its nest.

DeadlyNatasha The friend I was with was named Clint Barton.

DeadlyNatasha He shot the bird in the face.

DeadlyNatasha Happy Tuesday.

*

Direct Messages > with Fury

FuriousFury Stark, you’d better be online.

TonyStarkAkaGod Tony Stark is busy being brilliant and having a gloriously erotic physique, but he can take a message.

FuriousFury Stark, the whole reason SHIELD agreed to give you bunch of pansies Twitter accounts was to boost our image.

FuriousFury All you’ve done since the accounts were set up is make dick jokes and discuss animal cruelty.

TonyStarkAkaGod To be fair, Natasha’s the one you should be calling PETA about, not me.

TonyStarkAkaGod Ooh, there’s an idea. Call PETA. Get Tasha to do one of those naked shoots they’re so fond of. THAT would boost our image.

TonyStarkAkaGod And sales of Kleenex.

TonyStarkAkaGod Then again, she’s Russian. She probably wears a fox fur bra.

TonyStarkAkaGod Or is that cavewomen? I forget.

FuriousFury Do something, Stark, or the Twitter accounts are shut down and Coulson moves into Avengers Tower.

TonyStarkAkaGod You’re my least favourite babysitter ever. I’m telling Hill.

FuriousFury It was Hill’s idea.

TonyStarkAkaGod Ave Maria.

TonyStarkAkaGod If I can’t save Avengers Tower, you can be damn sure I’ll avenge it.

FuriousFury It’s time for a bit of blue sky thinking, Stark.

TonyStarkAkaGod Actually, I think it’s time for a star spangled man with a plan.

*

CaptainStRogers It’s a beautiful day in Brooklyn! How are you spending it?
(3,910 Retweets)

IncredibleBruce @CaptainStRogers Wandering naked through the streets of Harlem, you?

CaptainStRogers @IncredibleBruce Well, I’m sitting in the park and sketching, but that’s not important; do you need picking up?

IncredibleBruce @CaptainStRogers I’m naked in Harlem. I’ve been ‘picked up’ six times already.

CaptainStRogers @IncredibleBruce Stay where you are. I’m on my way.

IncredibleBruce @CaptainStRogers You’re on your way to Harlem to rendez-vous with a naked man? That’s how you're spending this beautiful day?

CaptainStRogers @IncredibleBruce No, I’m spending it helping a friend in need. We can get ice cream after, if you want.

IncredibleBruce @CaptainStRogers OK. Bring a spare pair of pants, then. I always drip ice cream everywhere.

IncredibleBruce @CaptainStRogers Really, I should eat ice cream naked.
(641 Retweets)

TonyStarkAkaGod @IncredibleBruce That’s a mental image I didn’t need at 3pm in the morning.

TonyStarkAkaGod @CaptainStRogers Steve, your Twitter feed is filth! Naked scientists eating dairy products, running through Harlem...

BAMFClint @TonyStarkAkaGod You think THIS is bad, you should see Thor’s.

TonyStarkAkaGod @BAMFClint Oh God. And yes, I’m using Thor’s name in vain. He deserves it.

*

ThorButtockth ON THE DAY THAT THE TOASTERS FINALLY RISE AGAINST THEIR PUNY OPPRESSORS, I AM FULLY CONFIDENT OF A MIDGARDIAN VICTORY.
(3,999 Retweets)

ThorButtockth MIDGARDIANS, COULD ONE OF YOU PERCHANCE EXPLAIN TO ME THE INGREDIENTS OF A POP TART? IS IT TRULY LOVE AND CHILDREN’S MIRTH?
(4,690 Retweets)

ThorButtockth I WILL REGAIL YOU WITH A SHORT TALE; ONCE UPON A TIME ON ASGARD, I FELL DOWN SOME STAIRS. SINCE THEN, I HAVE NOT TRIED TO SKIP DOWN THEM. 
(4,812 Retweets)

ThorButtockth FRIEND STARK HAS ATTEMPTED TO PERSUADE ME TO DRINK WHAT HE CALLS ‘COFFEE’. I FEAR IT IS MADE FROM FROST GIANT TEARS.
(4,161 Retweets)

ThorButtockth I LIVE BY THREE RULES; FRIENDS COME BEFORE LADIES, MAKE SURE YOUR ARMOUR IS LUSTROUS AND DO NOT TRUST FROST GIANTS OR PANSIES.
(4,190 Retweets)

*

TonyStarkAkaGod My babysitter is trying to take my toys away. Help me!

PhilCoulson @TonyStarkAkaGod It’s for your own good, Stark. Man up.

TonyStarkAkaGod @PhilCoulson I’m sorry, who are you? I don’t know anyone called Phil.

PhilCoulson @TonyStarkAkaGod I’m the poor bastard who has to wipe your chin after mealtimes. Call Fury.

TonyStarkAkaGod @PhilCoulson Actually, I think you’ll find that person is @PepperPotx. Look, it’s in her contract and everything.

PepperPotx @TonyStarkAkaGod Hilarious. Bruce and Steve just arrived. They want to see you.

TonyStarkAkaGod @PepperPotx Well, of course they do, I’m gorgeous. I’ll be down now. Tell them to gird their loins and stop their ovaries from quivering.

PepperPotx @TonyStarkAkaGod I don’t think it’ll be them who have that problem...

*

BAMFClint Oh my God, did you HAVE to keep the photo with that?! RT: @SuperHeroTabloid Captain America and The Hulk run naked through Harlem!
(6,719 Retweets)

BAMFClint @DeadlyNatasha Have you seen this?! RT: @SuperHeroTabloid Captain America and The Hulk run naked through Harlem!

DeadlyNatasha @BAMFClint I have. It could be worse.

BAMFClint @DeadlyNatasha How could it be worse? I have seen things that no man should have to see. I am now an embittered shell of the man I once was.

DeadlyNatasha @BAMFClint Well, it could have been @PhilCoulson and @FuriousFury.

BAMFClint @DeadlyNatasha Oh Christ. Oh Jesus. Oh ever-loving Odin. Why would you say that?! Oh God.

ThorButtocks @BAMFClint YOU CALLED?

ThorButtocks @BAMFClint OH

*

SuperHeroTabloid ‘Nick Fury releases statement about the nude frivolity of America’s favourite superheroes: http://.....’

FuriousFury @SuperHeroTabloid I did no such thing. Take down this article before I take YOU down.

DeadlyNatasha @FuriousFury Apt username there, sir.

*

CaptainStRogers I can only apologise for the images you were all faced with in today’s press. Unfortunately, a stressful incident occurred.

CaptainStRogers This caused Dr Banner to react poorly and, unfortunately, in the ensuing ruckus, we lost our clothes.

CaptainStRogers I would like to offer my most sincere apologies and reassure you that SHIELD did not endorse our behaviour.

TonyStarkAkaGod @CaptainStRogers I did. I endorsed it to heck.

TonyStarkAkaGod @CaptainStRogers I particularly enjoyed the part when the pair of you came to my mansion, stark (pun intended) naked and shivering –

TonyStarkAkaGod @CaptainStRogers – and, in the ‘ensuing ruckus’, you and I discovered our raw passion for one another.

CaptainStRogers @TonyStarkAkaGod That didn’t happen!!

SuperHeroTabloid Breaking News: Tony Stark and Steve Rogers in ‘passionate’ love affair! Read more: http://....

TonyStarkAkaGod @CaptainStRogers Apparently it did.

*

Direct Messages > with Fury

FuriousFury You’re doing this on purpose. You’re screwing with me. You want me to jump off a building.  You are a heartless man, Stark.

TonyStarkAkaGod I know. Blame the Afghans. I usually do.

FuriousFury I’m blaming your total lack of a soul. You do know that now SHIELD looks less professional than a hermaphrodite drag queen?

TonyStarkAkaGod I wouldn’t know. I only ever pay to see the ones who have to tuck it between their legs. Their pain is worth my millions.

FuriousFury You will be the death of me. What did I do to deserve this?

TonyStarkAkaGod Should I answer alphabetically, chronologically or, my personal favourite, through the medium of interpretive dance?

FuriousFury Anything. I don’t care. We’re ruined.

*

CaptainStRogers ‘Steve and Tony’ is ‘trending’ on ‘Twitter’, now. I would like to make it very clear that there is no Steve and Tony.

TonyStarkAkaGod @CaptainStRogers Hey, I totally exist. Abs this good don’t come from the imagination.

TonyStarkAkaGod @CaptainStRogers Ohh, I get it. You’re ignoring me! How quaint.

TonyStarkAkaGod @CaptainStRogers Can’t take a joke, you pensioners. It’s like once you hit 90, all the synapses required for humour just wave their white flags.

TonyStarkAkaGod @CaptainStRogers HELP, I’M BEING EATEN BY A SHARK, ONLY PATRIOTISM AND LIBERTY CAN SAVE ME

TonyStarkAkaGod @CaptainStRogers No? The damsel in distress angle isn’t working? OK. I’m sorry.

TonyStarkAkaGod @CaptainStRogers You do know everyone can read these, right? The whole world will see how you neglect me so.

TonyStarkAkaGod @CaptainStRogers They’ll start a charity and call it ‘America Supports Stony’.

TonyStarkAkaGod @CaptainStRogers That tweet which you ignored was hilarious because the acronym for that was ‘ASS’ and also ‘Stony’ is now a thing.

TonyStarkAkaGod @CaptainStRogers Just thought I’d explain the joke for you.

TonyStarkAkaGod @CaptainStRogers Steve, ‘Stony’ is trending. This means you have to love me.

TonyStarkAkaGod @CaptainStRogers Steeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeve

PepperPotx @TonyStarkAkaGod My office. Now.

*

ThorButtockth ON VERY RARE OCCASIONS, I ENJOY TAKING MJOLNIR ON LONG WALKS.

PepperPotx @ThorButtockth Are you busy?

ThorButtockth I AM THOR, GOD OF THUNDER, AND I HAVE JUST DISCOVERED SOMETHING YOU MIDGARDIANS TERM A ‘BOX SET’. I BELIEVE IT IS CALLED ‘FRIENDS’.

PepperPotx @ThorButtockth I mean, it’s not urgent, but Steve and Tony are in my office and they’ve barricaded the door and there are noises.

ThorButtockth WHAT IS A ‘TANK TOP’?

PepperPotx @ThorButtockth Right. I’ll ask Natasha.

*

DeadlyNatasha I know 21 ways to kill a man with my face and I am going to implement them all on @TonyStarkAkaGod and @CaptainStRogers.

DeadlyNatasha I have seen men with eyeballs coming out of their eyes. They were POSTCARDS compared to this.

TonyStarkAkaGod It’s said that a man who has just got laid is a man to be reckoned with indeed. With that in mind, I think you should all follow @FuriousFury...

FuriousFury I would like to inform all Twitter users that the Twitter accounts of all Avengers members will be shut down shortly.
(231 Retweets)

LovelyFury Also, I drink orphan tears and bathe in the blood of widows.
(8,190 Retweets)

LovelyFury NO I DON’T!
(8,214 Retweets)

LovelyFury I do, and I like to wear women’s clothing.
(8,910 Retweets)

LovelyFury I cry during sex and snuggle afterwards.
(9,412 Retweets)

LovelyFury I am going to MURDER Tony Stark.
(9,821 Retweets)

*

CaptainStRogers As the official Avengers spokesperson, it gives me great pleasure to announce that our accounts won’t be shut down after all!

CaptainStRogers For some reason, Nick Fury’s Twitter feed has gained us so many new followers that it would be pointless. We’re here to stay!

TonyStarkAkaGod @CaptainStRogers I’ll show you ‘great pleasure’. ;)

BAMFClint @LovelyFury @CaptainStRogers @TonyStarkAkaGod OH GOD, SHUT US DOWN

ThorButtockth @BAMFClint YOU CALLED?