“How does it feel?” Stiles asks. They’re lying in his bed and Stiles’ head is resting on Isaac’s shoulder, his hand inside Isaac’s shirt, resting on Isaac’s chest, feeling the heartbeat.
“It feels like I’m barely in control. Like I’m not supposed to be human, like I need to be angry and I should show everyone that I’m better than they are, stronger. It’s like there’s something inside my body that won’t rest until I shift, until I break something or hurt someone.” Isaac starts rubbing Stiles’ back.
“How do you control it?” He moves his hand around Isaac’s body. From Isaac’s chest to his stomach and back up again. “How do you keep yourself from shifting?”
“In my second full moon Derek told me I had to find an anchor, something that would keep me grounded, keep me human. He told me that he controlled himself with his anger and I thought that anger would be an easy one for me. I started to think about my dad, how I just wished I could scape in the end, but it just made things worse, made the pull of the full moon ten times stronger…” Stiles feels Isaac take a deep breath, stills his hand again, needing to feel the steady beat of Isaac’s heart. “But then I remembered the times when my father wasn’t so bad, when my brother was alive and my mother was around… And I just couldn’t feel all that anger anymore. And after that it was just easy to think about my childhood, all the good little memories of my dad that no one could ever take away from me.”
Stiles looks up so he can see Isaac’s face, the closed eyes, the half-opened mouth, the perfect cheekbones he adores so much. He kisses Isaac’s neck and Isaac doesn’t move at all, stays still. Stiles wants to keep asking questions, high on the fact that Isaac’s willing to talk so much when he usually just makes a sarcastic joke and changes the subject, much like Stiles himself. He wants to ask about Isaac’s father and being abused and locked in a freezer. He doesn’t. It’s not the time. There’s a full moon outside.
“Do you ever think about me?” He asks, instead. He knows it will make Isaac smile and it does, so Stiles adjusts his head again, stops looking at Isaac’s face, content.
“I’m thinking of you right now and it’s teaching me to never do it again. I keep thinking about getting on top of you, kissing your mouth, your neck, your stomach… I keep thinking about pressing my hands on your hips until I leave marks.” Stiles feels Isaac’s heart beating faster, he thinks that Isaac’s claws came out, but he doesn’t check, just stays quiet until he’s sure that Isaac’s in control of himself again.
“So it’s Allison for Scott, anger for Derek and it’s your dad for you…” He stops, looks up again. “Your dad or your whole family?”
“Just my dad.” Isaac tells him. “I don’t know why. I get nervous thinking about my mom and my brother…” Stiles nods, then rests his head again.
“I wonder what would be my anchor, you know? But it’s hard to guess because it’s so different for all of you.” Stiles starts the movement with his hand again. He lets his hand go lower this time, smiling with the hitches on Isaac’s breath. Isaac moves them around, then, turns Stiles to the other side, and then moves so his chest is on Stiles’ back and his arm around Stiles’ middle. “You’re no fun.” Stiles complains.
“Yeah, I’m sure that it would be tons of fun to wake up with a bunch of werewolf scratches that make you hallucinate.” Stiles can almost feel Isaac’s lips on his back. “And that’s the best case scenario. I don’t even know why I let you convince me to spend a full moon’s night with you.”
“What do you usually do?” He tries to turn around to be able to look at Isaac’s face, but Isaac keeps him in place with his arm. “Besides ignoring my texts and making me wonder why I even let you in my bed, that is.”
“I mostly stay with Derek. Erica and Boyd normally do their own things and I know that Derek can control one beta by himself, so it’s easier to be calm, knowing that I have someone to hold me down if I slip.”
Stiles closes his eyes for a second, trying not to start an argument. He can’t count the number of times they argued about Stiles letting Derek turn him so that he could always be there for Isaac, so he could match Isaac in strength and speed. But it’s not the time to fight if he wants Isaac to keep trusting himself enough to always spend full moons with Stiles.
“I’m sorry.” Isaac finally says after they stay silent for a long time. “I hate when you stop talking. I always know something’s wrong. I know what you’re thinking about and I’m sorry for bringing it up. You calm me down just as much as Derek when you’re not making me want to get on my knees for you.” Stiles smiles.
“You’re the one who brought it up. I wasn’t going to say anything.” Isaac tightens his hold on him and it just reminds Stiles how much he likes being human, knowing that Isaac can overpower him so easily, can pin him down without breaking a sweat, it makes him forget about wanting to become a werewolf for a while. “Now shut up, I’m tired, I want to enjoy being able to sleep with you while my dad is out of town.” Isaac nuzzles his head on Stiles’ neck and Stiles feels Isaac smile.
Stiles has no idea how long they stay in that same position, not saying anything. He wonders how hard it must be for Isaac to fall asleep, having to hear their heartbeats, the neighbors arguing over what to watch, the wind moving the leaves around. Then he tries to completely stop thinking, concentrates on the sound of Isaac’s breath behind him, calming him down when he’s used to spend every full moon worrying by himself.
“I love you, you know that, right?” Stiles hears, he’s not even sure if he’s awake by then, he’s so tired he wouldn’t be able to tell reality apart from dreams even if he needed to.
“I love you too.” He says back, anyway. Because it’s true, even if he’s dreaming. There was a moment between seeing Isaac scared as hell on the police station during Isaac’s first full moon and the time they lost their virginities to each other that he just fell in love. He sees no reason to keep it to himself. “Don’t leave me, all right?” He goes on, just in case he’s awake. “I don’t want to wake up alone.”
“I’ll stay for as long as you want.”