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Kaidan Alenko’s Private Terminal
 Outbox — Key Log, 2183CE

Title: Just wanted to talk
To: Commander Shepard
12.03.2183CE

You know, this might sound crazy, but

MESSAGE STATUS: DELETED

Title: Thinking about last night 
To: Commander Shepard
13.03.2183CE

It was great talking to you the other

MESSAGE STATUS: DELETED

Title: I won’t send this one either
To: Commander Shepard
14.03.2183CE

If anybody saw me stopping and starting this message they’d probably think the pressurized air systems or the old L2 implants are finally getting to me. I don’t know if they’d be wrong about that, either.

But I don’t know if that’s it. I think you’re getting to me.

You know, when people say it’s easier to say these things if you’re just writing to someone… I think they’re full of crap, personally. Commander.

MESSAGE STATUS: DELETED

Title: Still thinking about you
To: Commander Shepard
16.03.2183CE

Thinking about you’s getting to be a

MESSAGE STATUS: DELETED

Title: Tomorrow
To: Commander Shepard
19.03.2183CE

Tomorrow. Definitely tomorrow.

And yeah, I know, if we build up enough tomorrows, we’ll never get our share of todays. 

Easier said than done, though. Like most things in the galaxy. 

MESSAGE STATUS: DELETED

Title: Hey, Shepard
To: Commander Shepard
20.03.2183CE

Hey, Commander. Although I guess I should call you Shepard if I’m sending you something like this.

You know it’s not usually like me to breach protocol—not anymore, anyway, and definitely not after what happened at brain camp. But I’ve told you all about that side of me. These things I never wanted to share with anyone else, and suddenly… I wanted you to know them. Maybe I needed you to know them, or somebody like you.

No. It was definitely you. 

I know how important it is to make sure duty comes first. I wouldn’t jeopardize an Alliance mission and when you give the orders, I’ll follow them. Even if it’s to leave you behind—I know the difference between regular instincts and what a soldier should do. What a soldier has to do. 

But if there’s even a chance we could be there for each other…

I keep asking myself, is it worth it to hold back? And when I close my eyes, I think about your hand on my shoulder, your lips close to mine. Every time, something gets in the way. Joker walks in or I wake up or the hot water cuts out and I don’t know if it’s because of how wrong the whole thing is or how real it needs to be before I can know what happens next. 

Am I crazy? Or just crazy about you?

If this is out of line, Shepard… I’ll understand if you file a request for my relocation to another ship, to work with another squad. But I’ve built up so many tomorrows with you that asking about today is something I have to do. For both of us, even if it does feel selfish right now. 

I’ve been thinking about you. And all I want to know is if you’ve been thinking about me that way, too. All cards on the table, no more playing them close to the chest. 

Kaidan Alenko

MESSAGE STATUS: SAVED
MESSAGE STATUS: UNSENT 

Chapter Text

Commander Shepard’s Private Terminal
Outbox — Key Log, 2186CE

Title: No good at writing these things
To: Major Kaidan Alenko
13.09.2186CE

Kaidan, I’m no good at writing these things

MESSAGE STATUS: DRAFT
MESSAGE STATUS: UNSENT

Title: No good at writing these things
To: Major Kaidan Alenko
16.09.2186CE

Kaidan, I’m no good at writing these, and the last time I got started I had to take a live call from the council. I guess you could say that’s why I don’t visit you more often, but

MESSAGE STATUS: DRAFT
MESSAGE STATUS: UNSENT

Title: No good at writing these things
To: Major Kaidan Alenko
20.09.2186CE

Kaidan, I’m no good at writing these things, and the last time I started I had to take a live call from the council. I guess you could say that’s why I don’t visit you more often, but the truth is only a little more complicated than that. When I’m not talking to them, I’m doing my duty, and that doesn’t leave much time for checking my private terminal or keeping up with my correspondence, much less visiting Huerta Memorial.

Whenever I stop by the Citadel, I ask the doctors how you’re doing. They say it’s that biotic metabolism of yours keeping you laid up for longer, so don’t let anyone like Garrus tease you for the time it’s taking. 

Seeing you lying there like that was never

MESSAGE STATUS: DELETED

Title: Been a while
To: Major Kaidan Alenko
24.09.2186CE

Haven’t written you in a while, have I? It was good to see you the other day. Can’t those nurses clean you up any better? If I can, I’ll pull some strings with the Shadowbroker—all on the up and up, since I wouldn’t want to ruin your upstanding reputation—for some hand-held gaming system to

MESSAGE STATUS: DELETED

Title: Get any nice packages lately?
To: Major Kaidan Alenko
26.09.2186CE

Hope you liked the games. I figured you’d be more into Prothean Pile-on than the latest Blasto tie-in. James swears by it, though. Keeps him busy on the Kodiak, anyway, so he doesn’t keep asking if we’re there yet.

MESSAGE STATUS: SENT

Title: You must be a varren because you’ve sunk your teeth into my heart
To: Major Kaidan Alenko
28.09.2186CE

It wasn’t an illusion. I was flirting with you.

MESSAGE STATUS: DELETED

Title: You must be a volus because you’re definitely a biotic god
To: Major Kaidan Alenko
28.09.2186CE

Hell, Kaidan, what do you think that ‘pleasure of serving under you’ line was all about?

MESSAGE STATUS: DELETED

Title: I don’t want all this to be over without telling you
To: Major Kaidan Alenko
28.09.2186CE

I’m no damn good at this. 

MESSAGE STATUS: DELETED

Title: Glad you liked the whiskey
To: Major Kaidan Alenko
28.09.2186CE

Had a good time today. Good talk. Good whiskey. Maybe we can do it again sometime when you’re not laid up in a hospital bed without a shirt on.

MESSAGE STATUS: DELETED

Title: Key logs
To: Major Kaidan Alenko
29.10.2186CE

If you saw all the private messages I never sent, you wouldn’t have kissed me like that. 

Maybe I’ll tell you. Someday. 

Thanks for the sanity check, Kaidan. 

MESSAGE STATUS: DELETED

Chapter Text

Title: Arrived safely
To: Major Kaidan Alenko
04.05.2189CE

You can collect the credits from Garrus now. Told you I'd write you when I got to the summit. Some people are just nonbelievers, I guess.

But I'm Commander Shepard, and hope is my favorite thing on the Citadel.

You think I should trademark that?

Miss you, Kaidan.

Shepard 

MESSAGE STATUS: SENT

Title: Good to hear from you
To: Commander John Shepard
04.05.2189CE

Well, it looks like Garrus is out some credits, and you know how he hates to lose. I never should have doubted you, Shepard. 

It's not that it's any quieter around the place without you in it--except for the snoring, I guess--but it's not as warm at night, that's for sure. I'd say come back home soon, but I know how long these talks tend to take. 

What was it Garrus said that made you laugh back in the hospital? That if the Reapers challenged the politicians and the senators and the council members to a talk-off, we'd still be fighting, sure--but we wouldn't have to worry about beating them, since they'd run out of patience before diplomats ran out of hot air?

It's an interesting theory.

You know how things are without you. They're just not the same. Don't let it go to your head--but if the action figure hasn't already, I guess nothing else will. If you get a chance, and you're not all talked out by the end of the day...

Call me.

Miss you too,
Kaidan 

MESSAGE STATUS: SENT

Title: Still doing your PT?
To: Commander John Shepard
05.05.2189CE

You still doing your PT?

Just because you're the Alliance's poster boy doesn't mean I'm going to take it easy on you. Work that knee, all right? 

Still miss you,
Kaidan 

MESSAGE STATUS: SENT

Title: Buy you a sandwich when you get back?
To: Commander John Shepard
06.05.2189CE

And I thought I was the worst when it came to keeping up my end of communications. Grading papers, trying to keep my students' mind on the classroom and not the Tech Talks you're a part of...

Well, at least my mom can rest easier knowing I'm not as bad as I could be.

We've been following all the news here, as much as we can. I know the debate's been getting pretty intense, but you sounded good in that interview with Allers this afternoon. You sounded great, even. Like the Shepard everybody wants to see and hear. The Shepard everybody needs.

I'm pretty sure that I don't know anybody else who could do what you're doing right now. You know that, don't you? Hell, nobody keeps pushing like you do. Nobody. I know I'd fight like hell for a few things, yeah, but I'm pretty sure even I'd wear myself down eventually. 

Then again, I didn't save the galaxy.

I just fell in love with the guy who did. Bought him a couple of steak sandwiches along the way.

Miss you,
Kaidan 

MESSAGE STATUS: SENT

Title: Citadel shooting
To: Commander John Shepard
07.05.2189CE

God Shepard if you're not okay

MESSAGE STATUS: DELETED

Title: I don't know if I can do this
To: Commander John Shepard
07.05.2189CE

Loving you's the hardest thing I've ever done

MESSAGE STATUS: DELETED

Title: Situation on the Citadel?
To: Commander John Shepard
07.05.2189CE

Shepard, I left three messages and you're not answering. We've all heard about the attempted shooting--and reports are saying everything from 'Commander Shepard wrestled the assassin to the ground' to 'three senators were shot and three more are in critical condition.' 

I know you're busy. I know. You always are.

I guess I'll call in a few favors, try to get Hackett on his private line.

Could you maybe not jump into the line of fire when someone's emptying a clip into a crowd for once? 

Please. Just be all right.

MESSAGE STATUS: SENT

Title: It's okay
To: Major Kaidan Alenko
07.05.2189CE

I'm okay.

MESSAGE STATUS: SENT

Title: You should have called me first
To: Commander John Shepard
07.05.2189CE

Hackett told me and you don't know what I had to

MESSAGE STATUS: DELETED

Title: Spoke to Hackett
To: Commander John Shepard
07.05.2189CE

It's good to hear from you. Crazy how this stuff seems to follow you around, isn't it? Sometimes I wonder if it's going to be like this forever. Then I think I'm the one who's crazy for knowing I never want it to end.

But if you pull something like that again, Shepard, I'm going to be the one tackling you down. Pinning you in place, and never letting you out of my sight. 

MESSAGE STATUS: SENT

Title: Won't happen again...probably
To: Major Kaidan Alenko
08.05.2189CE

Would've called you sooner, but transmissions were on lockdown until all the information was in place. Wouldn't want to start a panic, they said. 

Guess they did that anyway. 

Lockdown's lifted and I'm calling you tonight.

Shepard

MESSAGE STATUS: SENT

Title: Thanks for the call
To: Commander John Shepard
09.05.2189CE

Thanks for the call. It was good to hear your voice again--your voice, and not somebody else's. Sometimes you can forget how good that is. How good it can be. 

Sorry for falling asleep on you. I didn't get much sleep the night before. This guy I'm married to had to go and get himself into another dangerous situation--probably bored by all the peace talks, you know? Not enough Blasto action for his tastes.

It's not easy, loving a guy like that. And then you talk to him, and you hear him--instead of hearing the hero, the commander, the Spectre--and you realize it's not about being easy.

I wouldn't mind it if you were a little easier now and then, though. Just saying.

Keep it in mind. Maybe I'll file an official request, have your aides look over it for me. 

When you get back tomorrow, you'd better be ready to spend at least two days in bed, because there's no way I'm going to let you go.

See you soon,
Kaidan 

MESSAGE STATUS: SENT

Title: Old scores
To: Garrus Vakarian
11.05.2189CE

I hear you owe my husband some credits?

Shepard

MESSAGE STATUS: SENT