Work Text:
*One – Six*
(Stiles Stilinksi to Scott McCall, 9:47a.m.)
Dude. Why am I naked on your couch?
Not my couch.
What do you mean ur naked?
As in nude, Scott. Bereft of clothing. And who the hell’s couch is it then?
idk dude. You seen Allison?
just woke up on a stranger’s couch without any pants. No. I haven’t seen her.
*Seven – Thirteen*
(Lydia Martin to Stiles Stilinski, 9:56a.m.)
Stiles what did you do with my bag?
What bag?
The one I gave you to hold while I took care of Erica.
YOU TOOK CARE OF ERICA???
Don’t be an ass. Like you’ve never gotten sick. Seriously, where’s my shit, Stilinski?
I don’t even know who’s couch I’m on right now, Lydia. How am I supposed to know where your stupid bag is?
Do you even know what I had in that bag?? Do you? Several hundred dollars worth of cosmetics, my phone, my id, my wallet. You had BETTER find it, asshole!
Erica have you seen Lydia’s purse?
Erica?
Erica?????
Found Allison.
Awesome. Ask her if she’s seen Lydia’s purse.
Why?
Just do it.
She says no. She says that if you lost it Lydia’s prolly gonna kill you. Violently.
No kidding.
Jackson wants to know why there’s vomit on his mom’s piano. He says one of you needs to come clean it up.
Tell Jackson that he’s a dickhead and cleaning up some vomit won’t kill him. Also, ask him if he’s seen Lydia’s purse.
What? Why? She had it when she took Erica home.
Well she seems to think I took it and lost it. Why did she take Erica home?
Cause she was sick. Dude, Stiles, how much did you drink last night?
No comment.
Well no, I only ask cause I’m holding your pants right now. They’re in Jackson’s basement.
Shit.
I found my pants.
Oh good. Allison’s wearing your shirt. WHY is Allison wearing your shirt, Stiles????
I honestly do not know, Scott man. Everything’s blurry after Isaac started dancing on Jackson’s mom’s piano. He’s pissed btw cause somebody upchucked on it.
Figure out who’s couch you’re on?
Nope. But I keep falling back asleep. It smells really good.
Dude.
Shut up.
What do you want Stiles? My head is fucking pounding and you’re calling before one.
Heard you were sick. U okay?
Just peachy. Did you know it takes almost triple the amount of alcohol for a werewolf to get drunk? Do you know how much tequila that is Stiles?? I drank my body weight in tequila!!!
So not okay then. Have you seen Lydia’s purse?
She left it in my bathroom.
Oh thank God!!
What?
Nothing.
So you guys have a heart to heart?
What? Who?
You don’t remember.
Remember what?
That’s low Stiles. Real low.
What is? What did I do? Erica?
Erica???
So did I act like an idiot last night? Cause Erica said I did something only I can’t remember what it is and I don’t have any pants.
Who is this?
It’s Stiles. What do you mean who is this?
Oh sorry Stiles! Apparently your contact name was changed to…Nevermind.
Changed to what?
Not a big deal. Scott told me about the pants. I tried to tell him that you gave me your shirt because Boyd spilled all that salsa all over mine last night.
Right. So, me, stupid, anything??
I thought it was sweet. And so about time too. Told Scott and he acted all weird and told me he didn’t see you leave together.
Me and who??
You and Derek. I’m actually kinda surprised Scott didn’t notice. You were sort of obvious making out on the basement couch.
…Seriously?
Me and Lydia agree. It was kinda hot. Danny was too busy ogling Jackson to notice.
What. The. Hell? I don’t remember any of this! Are you making this shit up just to mess with me?
Why would I do that? We’ve had a bet going for months about when you too would finally bite the proverbial bullet. I won! Isaac has to do all the dishes for a month. Lydia’s pissed cause she thought it’d take you longer. Danny’s pissed cause he thought you’d get together months ago.
You’ve been betting? On my love life? What kind of sick people are you??
The kind that love you and were tired of watching you two moon over each other, pun intended. ;)
I hate you.
Why isn’t Derek with you? Scott said you woke up on his couch.
Actually what I said was I woke up on a stranger’s couch. Looking at it now, aww, damn, it is his couch.
You two all snuggled up together??
What? No!
Why not? Scott said you were naked. Naked Stiles is happy going home and snuggling with Derek. Why are you not happy Stiles?
There is no snuggling. Sour wolf isn’t here. And I hate all of you.
Stiles?
Stiles? U there?
Where are you?
Derek?
What?
Where are you?
I went to get breakfast. I didn’t have anything so I had to go into town.
Oh.
Are you freaking out right now?
I am naked on your couch.
That’s because your restless legs kept kicking off the blanket. You also owe me a new pair of sweatpants.
Oh no, see that bit’s coming back to me now. And the sweatpants were so your fault.
Think your freak out will be over when I get back in five?
Why am I the one who freaks out? Why aren’t you? Why aren’t you being all sour-wolfy and mad? And why am I not good-sore? Did we not embrace the passionate love between us last night?
You embraced the passionate porcelain of the toilet bowl. After the third shirt you got vomit on I just left it all off.
No passionate love embracing? I distinctly remember some embracing being done. A lot. Vigorously.
There was. Right up until the vomit.
Oh. Well crap. Sorry.
It’s okay.
You can make it up to me.
Vigorously.
Yeah? How?
I’m home. Come find out.