Chapter Text
“I'm sorry, Bruce, I can't take this any more,” said Darcy, storming into the apartment she shared with Bruce.
“Can't take what? What's the matter?” asked Bruce, puzzled.
“I've just let it slide for the last few months, because I thought...well, that doesn't matter.”
“Darcy, you're starting to worry me.”
“Bruce, we have a problem.”
“We do?”
“A very serious problem.”
“What is it?”
“You don't like me.”
“Don't like--what are you talking about? I like you very much.”
“Not you you, silly, though it's very nice to hear you say that. I'm taking about the bigger, greener you.”
“You mean the Other Guy?”
Darcy nodded. “I don't think he likes me very much.”
“Darcy, he doesn't like anybody very much,” said Bruce. “You shouldn't feel slighted.”
“But I do,” she said, plopping down on the sofa next to him. “And, I don't know, maybe it's stupid, but...I mean, he's you. And the Bruce part of you likes me. I want the Other Guy part of you to like me, too.”
Bruce sighed and slid his arm around her shoulders. “It's not stupid, but as far as I'm concerned, I'm just relieved you made it onto his 'Do Not Smash' list. I can't hope for anything more.”
“Well, I can. And I will,” Darcy said stubbornly, crossing her arms across her chest. “I'm going to get him to like me.”
“What are you going to do, court him?”
“You know what, maybe I will. I wooed you, didn't I?”
“If by 'wooed,' you mean 'pestered me until I got tired of avoiding you and eventually agreed to go to dinner with you so I'd have some usable workspace and my assistants would stop snickering at me when they thought I couldn't hear them,' then yes, you did.”
“You call it 'pestering,' I call it 'persistence.'”
“Darcy, you sent me flowers, for crying out loud.”
“I wanted you to know I was sincere.”
“Big elaborate bouquets.”
“You know I don't do anything half-assed.”
“Every day for two months.”
“You know, if our positions had been reversed, it would've been hailed as a romantic gesture of gallant courtship or something,” Darcy said loftily. “I never thought you'd be one to adhere to old-fashioned, outdated ideas about gender, Bruce. Besides,” she added as she turned her head and kissed his cheek, “it worked in the end, didn't it?”
“It did and I once again bow to your superior knowledge and foresight regarding our compatibility.”
“Thank you.”
Bruce sighed again. “But what exactly, if I may ask, are your plans for winning the elusive heart of my alter-ego?”
Darcy shrugged. “I don't know yet. I'll think of something.”
“I'm not going to be able to talk you out of this, am I?”
“Nope. No matter how logical and scientific you are.”
Bruce ran his free hand through his hair. “Just...don't do anything too crazy? And tell one of the others about this little plan so they can keep an eye on you.”
“Good idea. Tony will totally help me out with this; he's probably got some great tips.”
“Someone other than Tony, preferably; the idea is to have someone responsible be aware of this scheme of yours.”
“Clint?”
“How about Steve? Or Natasha?”
“Thor might help, too.”
“No doubt Thor would tell you that the way to win the Other Guy's affection would be to bring him the still-beating heart of his sworn enemy or something.”
Darcy tapped her chin thoughtfully. “Oooh, that has possibilities. Any idea where General Ross might be this time of year?”
“Darcy.”
“Just kidding.”
Bruce squeezed her shoulders. “I'm sorry that this bothers you,” he said.
“Thank you,” she replied, sinking into his embrace and resting her head on his shoulder. “Does this mean you're going to help me?”
“Help you try to romance myself?”
“Why not? If anyone's got the inside track on the big guy's innermost thoughts, it's you.”
“Darcy, I don't know--”
“I'm counting on you to tell me, like, his favorite bands and all that.”
“Bands?” Bruce echoed. “I'm not sure he's even aware of what a 'band' is.”
“You know what I mean. Stuff he likes.”
“Smashing the hell out of everything?”
“That's a start,” Darcy said. “Maybe he just needs a little love or pampering or something.”
“Oh, God,” said Bruce, as images of Darcy giving the Other Guy chocolate popped into his head. “This is going to be a disaster.”
“No, it's not. It's gonna be awesome. It's one of my plans, after all. And those always go great.”
“What about the time you and Tony thought it would be funny to put actual black widows in Natasha's bedroom?”
“Not so loud, she still doesn't know I had anything to do with that.”
“Or the time you told Thor that Pop Tarts were going out of production?”
“How was I supposed to know he'd want to go to war with Kellogg's?”
“Or the time--”
“Okay, okay, I get it. Not all of my plans are awesome. All of my plans concerning you, however, are brilliant.”
Bruce wisely didn't respond to that.
“Besides, I've got you on my side,” Darcy said, briefly pressing her lips to Bruce's neck. “And I'm pretty sure that's half the battle.”
“Darcy, I don't have that much influence on him.”
“You've had enough so he doesn't hate me,” she said. “Just think romantic thoughts.”
“For all we know, that'll make him fall in love with whoever he's trying to smash.”
“Romantic thoughts about me, doofus.”
“You know I have enough problems trying to be romantic for you when I'm myself, much less trying to bring the Other Guy into this.”
She snuggled further into his arms. “Sweetie, he doesn't have to quote sonnets at me or anything.”
“Which is good, because the thought of the Other Guy comparing you to a summer's day is a bit off-putting.”
Darcy laughed. “Well, maybe I'll do the sonnets and he can stand on his balcony and swoon.”
Bruce blinked. “I...swoon?”
“Yep. I'm gonna make him swoon. Just you wait.”