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Wrong. SH

Why should I listen to you? GL

Because reasons, Lestrade. And it wouldn't hurt you to endear yourself to my brother. He... fancies you. SH

What?! You mean fancies as "let's have drinks" or fancies as in "I want to shag you senseless?" GL

Both most likely. Boring. SH

No, not boring Sherlock. This is important. GL

Boring to me. I have no desire to know either of your carnal habits. Go talk to him yourself. SH

Why should I? GL

Because if he knows I told you he'll probably dismiss you because he's an arse like that. Go. Talk. To. him. SH

oOoOo

Um, er, Mycroft? It's DI Lestrade... Greg. GL

DI Lestrade, how may I be of service? MH

What are your feelings towards me? GL

I... what? MH

Your feelings. About me. GL

I... ah... Well. It appears we need to go for a drink to discuss this. MH

I guess. Where should we meet? GL

You choose. MH

Well there's a pub two blocks from my office. 8pm? GL

It's a date. MH

Chapter Text

Bored. SH

Go read the obituaries, then. Play 'spot the murder victim'. JW

We don't have the paper. SH

Then go get one. And pick up some milk while you're out. JW

You're already out. you do it. SH

I. Am. On. A. DATE. Sod off. JW

Really? A date? Dull. She's clearly using you. Really, drop her. SH

...She is not. Now bugger off. JW

She is. Exema, low self esteem, mark on her finger from a ring that's been removed, unhappy in her life and looking for a willing, naive participant to help her out. SH

I really hate you sometimes. JW

I'm just saving you the inevitable heartbreak you will face. Why would you hate me for that? SH

Because people need to find things out on their own, Sherlock. /You/ should go on a date some time, see what I mean. JW

Dull. After five seconds with anyone, I know everything there is to know. SH

Yeah but people can surprise you. JW

You are the only person who manages to surprise me. SH

Really? I thought there might be at least two others. JW

Who? I'd like to know your deductions. SH

Lestrade for starters. JW

Very well, continue. SH

Ah, Molly was the other. JW

Interesting. Molly has only surprised me once. Lestrade, never. So, half right. You are improving. SH

Thank you. Now stop texting me so I can finish this date. Yes I know she's evil blahblahblah. No excuse to run out on her in the middle of dinner. JW

If you insist. SH

I do. Now go get milk. JW

No. SH

...You are such an arse. JW

You keep insisting this. SH

I do indeed. Bye... Finishing my date. JW

oOoOo

Lestrade needs us. SH

Of course he does. Why didn't you say so in the first place? JW

Just got the call. SH

All right. Murder I'm assuming. JW

Of course. Doesn't dare call us in for anything less anymore. SH

Don't know whether I should be flattered or disturbed. JW

Whatever you decide. Yard in five. SH

Roger that. JW

Chapter Text

John, I'm ill. SH

Symptoms? JW

Dizzying nausea, very low temp, inability to move without feeling violently ill. SH

Did you get hit on the head? JW

No. SH

Right. Plenty of fluids an strict bed rest. And toast. JW

That requires me to move from the sofa to my room, Any movement makes the nausea worse. This is immensely frustrating. SH

Then sleep on the sofa. Key word: sleep. JW

But I'm not sleepy. SH

Tough. You need to sleep to get well. JW

Why can't you come back and take care of me? SH

Because I'm working a taking care of other people. You're a grown man. You can take care of yourself. JW

No, I really can't. SH

Well you're going to have to wait. Sorry. JW

You are so unreasonable. Get home sooner rather than later and I won't play violin in the middle of the night for a week. SH

I'll do my best. JW

Chapter Text

Miss you. Wish you weren't away on business. GL

As do I. Sometimes I really loathe my job. MH

Thinking about you. It's cold here without you. GL

Same. You'd like the hotel room though. The bed is far too large without you. MH

More posh than our house? GL

Surprisingly yes. Decorator needs to find the line between "posh" and "garishly lavish." MH

Myc, your gay is showing. GL

Oh shut it, Gregory. Love you.  Miss you. Want to be home. MH

And I love you. I know it's only a few days, but it kills me to have you gone. GL

Don't fret. I should be home in two more days. MH

Two days too long. God, what I'm going to do to you when you get home, but right now, I'd kill for just one kiss. GL

Greg, your hopeless romantic is showing, but the feeling is mutual. MH

I may be a hopeless romantic, but you love it. GL

Yes of course I do. MH

I will be glad the rest of my life that I married you. GL

Greg, you're going to make me cry. MH

You're the iceman. You don't cry. Well usually. Sure you aren't a romantic at heart? GL

Only for you. MH

Now I'm gonna cry. GL

oOoOo

I know you're already asleep, but I just had to have the last word. Couldn't stand you ending the conversation earlier. What can I say, Myc, you drive me mad, but I bloody love you. One more day, and I get you back in my arms. It's still too long, but I'll take it if it means we're no longer apart. I miss you, you clever, wonderful prat of a genius. GL

oOoOo

Greg you have no idea how lovely it was to wake up to that. Only a few more hours and I'm back home in the warm circle of your arms again. MH

A few more hours? You're coming home early? GL

Managed to wrap up early, so yes. You have no idea how happy that makes me. MH

Mycroft Holmes, I could bloody kiss you. GL

I should hope so. MH

Get ready handsome. Surprises await you when you return. Haven't been idle on my day off. GL

I shiver in antici......pation. MH

...You know you're just giving me ideas... I see a gold Speedo in my future. GL

Just so long as I don't have to wear a corset, fishnets, high heels, and makeup. MH

Well maybe not the makeup... GL

No. MH

Oh, come on, now you're just being a spoilsport. GL

NO. MH

Well then if that's how you're going to be. GL

Yes it is. And gold would make you look sallow. Red would suit you better. MH

Well, you'll just have to find me first. No corset, no Speedo. GL

Fine. MH

Fine. GL

Chapter Text

GOD it's raining. Another day of ruffled feathers. JM

Oh please. Quite your whining Boss. Just stay indoors or use a ruddy umbrella. SM

Well maybe someone decided my umbrella offended him by pinching his fingers and shot it full of holes. And you know full well I have work today. JM

Shut up. I got you a new one. Should be in the stand by the door. SM

You mean the 'My Little Pony' one? Are you /trying/ to get me killed? JM

No, that's the one you had me get for the Ice Man. Next to that, you berk. SM

Ahhh yes. It's stained with blood. JM

Rain will wash that right off. SM

Yes, a nice red rain all around me. If it gets on my Westwood... JM

Then wash it off in the sink if you're so worried about your damned suit! Honestly, sometimes I thinking you're more in love with your wardrobe than with me. SM

Uhhh... /duh/. JM

Nice. I'm second fiddle to a bloody CLOTHING COLLECTION. SM

Not just any. The best. So you are truly the best in your category, Tiger. Drop the hackles before you hurt yourself. JM

-grumbles and sulks- SM

Oh come now, Tiger. If you're a good boy today, I'll scratch you behind the ears and rub your belly. JM

-withering glare- SM

I could always lock you on the roof if you keep sulking. JM

As much as I enjoy the rain, being locked out in it would be ill-advised. Last thing you need is an ill sniper. SM

Oh, but then /I'd/ be your doctor. JM

...God help me. SM

Nope, he doesn't answer your prayers anymore, Tiger. JM

Chapter Text

Bored. SH

I'm at work, Sherlock. Or did you forget I had the clinic today? Tell me you at least had the sense to notice I'd left this morning. JW

Of course I did, don't be stupid. SH

Says the ruddy genius who doesn't know the solar system or the colors in a rainbow. JW

Those things were unimportant so I deleted them. I thought I made that clear. SH

Yes, unimportant until they helped you solve a case. /Then/ they mattered again. JW

The fact remains that neither thing is important now, and I am still BORED. SH

Well tough. I'm not leaving work early for you today, you pompous git. You nearly got me fired last week. JW

I told you. I needed those for an experiment. SH

...right. An experiment that involved /torching my work supplies./ JW

To see how they would survive conflagrations of 500 C. Honestly, John, I don't see why it's worth getting upset. SH

Because they belong to the clinic, not to me. It was in my office and the building nearly burned to the ground. Lestrade could have you on arson charges. JW

Dull. SH

You are insufferable. I don't know why I put up with you. JW

Sherlock? I hope you aren't answering because you're on a case. JW

Because somehow we're best friends? And no, mind wandered. SH

Not surprising. And I thought you were rather adamant about not having any friends. JW

I said that I just have one. Or should I retract that? SH

No, just like hearing you admit you were wrong. Ugh, I'd rather be chasing criminals with you than to be stuck here. JW

So would I. No cases. Hence boredom. SH

You know, I kind of figured that. I'm not as stupid as you sometimes seem to think. JW

Oh please, John. Everyone is stupid. And some levels of stupidity are more tolerable than others. SH

Even your own? JW

Shut it. SH

Oh, I've got you there, haven't I... Pirate Captain Holmes. JW

If I were a Pirate Captain, you'd be in the brig for insubordination. SH

Hahah, yeah right. I would be by your side as first mate and you know it. JW

Yes, exactly right. Hope you enjoy the company of rats. Although you'd probably punch Anderson if you had to spend more than five minutes in a room with him. SH

Now don't be like that. JW

If you insist. Going to the morgue to see if any new bodies are in. SH

Don't traumatize Molly again, please. JW

Please. I hardly think I'm that bad. SH

...Do you remember Christmas? Yes, you can be. JW

I already apologized for that! Will no one leave me in peace? SH

No. JW

/Why?/ SH

Because we can almost never get you on your own shortcomings Sherlock. And because you rarely, if ever, apologize. JW

Chapter Text

Found a copy of "Pride and Prejudice" in the Blu-Ray player. Never took you for the chick flick sort, Tiger. JM

...what makes you think it's mine? SM

Because I detest Jane Austen. JM

At the risk of another scar, I think you'd like this one. Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth are rather a lot like you and me. SM

.../gag/. Forget scars. You're sleeping on the couch for a week for that. JM

Awwww /Boss/! SM

This is why you think before you speak. JM

I did! SM

Clearly not enough. JM

Since I fucked up, can I make it up to you? SM

Perhaps. JM

Mind telling me? SM

No I'll let you work this one out for yourself. JM

I'm not a fucking psychic. SM

oOoOo

Sooooo, am I forgiven? SM

Maaaaaybe. JM

Jim, you are completely unfair. SM

Life is unfair, dear Sebastian. JM

No one knows that better than me, you dolt. SM

No I do as well. And yes, you're forgiven if it'll stop you from whinging. JM

Good. Knew you'd see sense. SM

/Excuse me?/ JM

Uhhh... wrong number? SM

Nice try. JM

Worth a shot. SM

Couch. For a /month/. JM

...are you /trying/ to kill me? SM

No, but you're being so /frightfully/ stupid that I'm beginning to think I need a new sniper. JM

There is no hope that I'll ever be as smart as you. SM

I don't expect or even dream that you'll ever be as smart as I am, but today you're just making all SORTS of stupid choices. I really did think that you knew /better/. JM

You also know I get stupid when I don't sleep... /someone/ has kept me up with work for three days straight. SM

Honestly, what is it with you people as  /sleeping?/ Fine. Get your sleep. Couch, remember. JM

Please don't make me sleep on the couch. /Please/. SM

Too bad. JM

I'm sorry. No more Austin. I swear on my scars. SM

Sentence is reduced to a fortnight. Still on the couch. JM

Then join me? Please? I'll wear the collar. SM

No. Tiger needs to learn his /lesson/. JM

Very well. I'm sorry Magpie. I'll do better. SM

Good. JM

oOoOo

I hate the couch. Like your bed better. Not complaining, just observing. SM

Why does it sound like you don't believe me? SM

I do, just distracted. Planning things. JM

Oh? Anything I can help with? SM

Thank you but no. Go to sleep. You need it. JM

Rawr. SM

/Go. To. Sleep./ JM

Fine fine. Jeesh. SM

I'll wake you up when I come home. JM

All right. Be safe, Boss. SM

oOoOo

Did you come home last night, Boss? SM

Of course I did. You were drooling on the couch. Tried to wake you but you pulled a Glock out from under the pillow. Discretion is the better part of valor and all that. JM

...I. Am. /SO/. Sorry. SM

I thought it was funny, actually. JM

What? A drooling sniper threatening his incredibly powerful and brilliant Boss with a rather large handgun while asleep? SM

Yep. JM

...sometimes I really hate you. I didn't even get to see you before you left. SM

Sorry Tiger. Had to leave with the dawn for another job. JM

No kiss goodbye? SM

Tried... the Glock came out again. And you muttered something about saving the kittens? JM

I think I'll go drown myself now. SM

Oh don't be like that. It was adorable. JM

I'm not adorable! I'm more than six feet of lethal muscle and bone! SM

Who likes to rescue kittens. JM

I'm /never/ going to live that down, am I? /Some/ of us can't control our dreams and if you must know, I was under your orders to rescue the kittens. SM

I'm not completely heartless. Although if you ever tell anyone that, you'll be sleeping in the car. JM

How come I'm always the one getting punished in these scenarios? SM

Because I'm the Boss. /Doofus/. JM

I hate when you call me that. SM

Not my fault you're acting like one. JM

I'm not! Is it a crime to care about you? SM

No. And I care about you too, Tiger-love. JM

Where are you? Can I help? SM

Location is secret, so unfortunately you can't. JM

I'm gonna lose my mind. SM

Such a pity. JM

You're ridiculous. I miss you and haven't seen you in a week. SM

I know, Sebby. Miss you too. JM

You do? SM

Of course I do. JM

I was saving the kittens because you needed them for something. SM

Needed to get them to a shelter, yes. JM

No, you had a plan. SM

Yes, and that plan was to get them to a shelter. Homeless people need to eat too. JM

Ah. /That/ kind of shelter. SM

Well of course. JM

Well sorry. Not a genius, remember? SM

Of course I do. Still love you for it. JM

Love you too. SM

Chapter Text

Boss, slight problem don't be mad. SM

That depends on how slight the purported problem is. JM

Kind of got myself shot. SM

Anywhere vital? JM

Sort of. SM

How is it sort of?! It's either vital or it isn't! Did you get patched up? JM

Sort of because it's bleeding like a mother, and I have a tourniquet but the bullet is stuck in there, and if we don't get this cleaned up, the Met will be on my tail. SM

You fucking MORON! Get back to the flat as fast as you can. If this job is botched because of you, you'll wish you were caught by the fuzz. JM

...kiiiiind of need you to come get me. Or send someone. Kit bag broke the fall and my other ankle. And do you think I'd bother texting you to say the job had gone south? I'd have already shot my brains out. SM

Fine. I'm on my way. JM

I'm a dead sniper aren't I? SM

No, you're a live one who made me angry. Worse than dead. JM

How far away are you? Trying to figure out if I have time to jump. SM

Don't you dare. I still have use for you. JM

Really? Am I to be a pincushion this time? SM

Still figuring that part out. JM

Shit, just heard your car door. Too late to beg for mercy? SM

Always. JM

Mercymercymercymercy. SM

Figured I'd try. SM

Too late. Following your blood trail. JM

Yeah bit obvious that. SM

Hence the need for a cleaning crew or a fire. SM

Cleaning crew. Fire is too obvious. JM

I truly am sorry, sir. SM

Save your apologies, the hit is done. JM

Yes it is. The bastard had men of his own. Might have been nice to warn me of that. SM

Like I'm supposed to know he got paranoid. JM

Fine then. I wait your judgment. SM

oOoOo

Boss, any reason I'm bound and cuffed to the bed and stuck full of things? At least I'm bandaged, but still. SM

Punishment. How can you text? JM

You left my mobile in my hand. SM

Huh. Swore I left it on the table. No matter. JM

Why no matter? SM

Doesn't matter. You're still being punished. JM

Okay, so I'm confined to bed. I can live with that. SM

Not when I won't let you get off. JM

You right /bastard/! SM

You're being /punished/, Tiger. JM

It wasn't my fault! SM

Too bad. JM

Why the fuck did I ever accept this job? SM

Because you needed the money. And you would have drunk yourself to death in the gutter otherwise. JM

Yeah, wouldn't have minded that. SM

Such a /waste/ that would have been though. JM

In your opinion. SM

And you never would have met me. I never would have met you. Which really would have been a tragedy. JM

That's almost sentiment, Boss. SM

So? What of it? JM

It's just not like you. SM

Just thinking about things, Bastian. JM

I /hate/ when you call me that. SM

But it fits. Bastian: my strength. JM

I already put up with Seb, Sebby, Tiger, and whatever insults you deem fit. SM

And the one you don't care for is the one that's a compliment? JM

Sir, with all due respect, your compliments are usually barely concealed threats. SM

But I mean this one. You're my strength, the one I rely on. JM

You know, somehow that scares me more than your usual torture. SM

How odd. I genuinely praise you and it frightens you. JM

Yes, sir. SM

Why? JM

I have to answer? SM

Yes you do. JM

Fine... I can't always tell when you're being serious, and for all I know, you being nice is your way of psychologically punishing me. SM

Well this isn't psychological punishment. And I'm being serious. JM

Oh... thanks? SM

You're welcome. JM

oOoOo

When are you coming back? Must be a glutton for punishment if I'm asking my captor to return. SM

Soon. JM

How long do you plan on torturing me? SM

A while. JM

Oh joy. SM

Indeed. JM

It's called sarcasm, sir. SM

I know, idiot. JM

See that? Much more you. SM

Whatever I say is always me. Even when I compliment you, I /do/ love you Tiger. JM

Love you too Boss... woah... everything's dancing... what's in my IV? SM

Your morphine drip must have kicked in. JM

Ohhhhhhh... that'ss niiiiice... hehehe.... Boosss you're sooooo funnnnny. SM

Oh now /this/ should be entertaining. JM

Y'know Boss, you talk tooooo musch. SM

So I've been told. JM

Yeahhh well it'ss truuuuu... and this big kitttty luuuuuuvs youu.... wanna kissss youu. SM

Later when I get home Tiger. JM

Ooooo gonna kisss the Bosss... luv your teeth and tongue and hot mouth and... oh look! A salute to you! SM

Easy there, Sebby. JM

Nnnnnnnnnnnnnope. SM

Not like you can do anything about it anyway. JM

...it hurts. SM

Don't worry. I'll help take care of you when I get home. JM

Really? Really Boss???? I'll let you touch. I want you to touch. SM

Of course. JM

Yayayayayayayayayay. Keep fantasizing about your tongue. SM

DOWN, Sebby. JM

Butbutbut- SM

No buts. Or I won't touch you at all. JM

:( Sooooooooorrryyyy. SM

Forgiven. JM

:) Happy Tiger. SM

Chapter Text

John said you needed to talk to me about something. MHooper

Ah yes. I need a new set of fingers for an experiment. This lot has gangrene. SH

Sorry, we're out. I have a pancreas though. MHooper

Has to be fingers. Necessary to solve a case. SH

Well, you'll have to wait until another corpse comes in, I'm afraid. MHooper

That can be arranged. SH

Please tell me you're not contemplating murder for the sake of an experiment. MHooper

It was a joke, Molly Besides, three people are already dead. SH

It's hard to tell when you're joking. And do they need to be a cadaver's fingers? MHooper

Ye. Have to test discoloration and coagulation of blood post mortem. A man's alibi rests on it. SH

I'm sorry. Wish I could be of more help but without a fresh body my hands are tied, so to speak. MHooper

I'm sure you have something. SH

I really don't, but I'll see what I can do. MHooper

Thank you Molly A help as always. SH

Y-you're welcome. And you're in luck: corpse just came in 68 yr old cauc. man died in his sleep of a heart attack. MHooper

As long as his fingers are fine, that should do nicely. John will be by to pick them up. SH

Thought he was visiting his sister. MHooper

When did that happen? SH

Yesterday. MHooper

...fine I will be by in a bit. SH

Will have them ready for you. Do... do you want to go out for a coffee when the experiment is done? MHooper

Extremely busy at the moment. And your colleague with the thin face would be rather put out if I did. SH

Dobson? He fancies me? MHooper

...really, Molly, you can be rather thick when the mood strikes you. SH

Shut it. Hardly anyone ever does. Fancy me, I mean. MHooper

Well he's too shy to say anything but has been lusting after you for several weeks now. SH

Oh... MHooper

Ask him out before he has an aneurism and I get more fingers. SH

Maybe I will. It's nice to be wanted for a change. MHooper

I take it that is some slight on my personal disinterest? SH

No it's not just you. Not everything is about you surprisingly enough. MHooper

With you it generally is. SH

Because you're always in my morgue and are generally difficult to ignore. MHooper

And you have more than a slight crush on me. Rather obvious Mollly. SH

Now I'm beginning to wonder why. MHooper

Good. Go ask out Dobson. Leave the fingers in the freezer. SH

Done already. MHooper

oOoOo

Well, that fell through spectacularly. You could have told me that Dobson was a pathological liar and has an Oedipal complex the size of Asia. MHooper

Dull. SH

No, not dull! I don't want to be a replacement for his mum, that's disturbing. MHooper

Too bad it didn't work. SH

Yeah, I have a great taste in men... criminals, liars, and high-functioning sociopaths. MHooper

Should try and find a nice, dull bloke to settle down with, Molly. SH

As you so often say: boring. MHooper

You enjoy being jerked around? SH

God no! I just don't want to settle down yet. MHooper

Then stop complaining and get out more. SH

Chapter Text

Hey, Boss, what's your obsession with my hair? SM

It's just so pretty. JM

...really? Pretty? SM

Yes. Beautiful blonde curls. JM

I feel like you're making it into something it's not. SM

Nope. Love playing with it. JM

You know, I kind of noticed. I was thinking about cutting it. SM

NO. JM

But it's getting in my way. SM

Then tie it back. JM

...tie it back? SM

A ponytail. JM

I know what you mean. I just can't see it. SM

I think you'll look dashing. JM

It's a fantasy of yours isn't it? SM

So what if it is? JM

Didn't think you had fantasies. SM

Please, still human. JM

Easy to forget, you bloody genius. SM

Easy to forget I'm human? Tiger, you wound me. JM

You're a mad genius and a psychopath. So forgive me if I have trouble remembering you're human. SM

Please... if you cut me, do I not bleed? JM

I suppose. You usually threaten to castrate me if you get hurt. SM

Don't think I would. I'm quite fond of that part. JM

Thought you were jealous of it. SM

Please. Doing that to you would be like cutting off my nose to spite my face. JM

You have the funniest way of showing sentiment. SM

Love you too, Tiger. JM

Aww, making me all warm and fuzzy boss. SM

Perfect for cuddling. JM

Okay, who are you and what have you done with Jim? SM

So what if I fancy a bit of a cuddle now and again? JM

It's more of the fact that you're saying the word cuddle. SM

Shut it. Human remember? JM

Yeah, yeah keep telling yourself that. SM

Would you rather me be heartless? JM

Well no. I guess not. It just doesn't fit with your image at all... heartless criminal. SM

That's the brilliance of privacy in one's home... no image to maintain. JM

You are so lucky I'm loyal. SM

If you weren't your hide would be decorating the floor of my study, and you'd still be alive when I took it off you. JM

You sure know how to sweet talk a man, Boss. SM

Only the sweetest of words for you, Tiger-love. JM

Almost wish I could have slain a real tiger for you. SM

Maybe one day you can. If you're feeling up for the challenge. My proud and mighty hunter. JM

I'm always up for the challenge. SM

Fancy a trip to India or Thailand then? JM

Well... SM

Are you backing down from a /challenge/, Tiger? Has my fearsome jungle predator become a spoiled tabby? JM

Don't push it, Boss. I still have claws. And if anything, I don't fancy being away from you too long. SM

Awww kitty gets homesick. How /sweet/. JM

Fuck you. SM

You do on a regular basis. JM

No, you usually do me. I can count the number of times I've topped on one hand. SM

So I like control. JM

I'd just like to have a chance once in awhile. SM

Fine. JM

Wait, you're serious? SM

As cyanide poisoning. JM

Well then, book my flight. I have a tiger to get you. SM

Already done. Tickets should be arriving by courier in roughly half an hour. JM

I'll be gone before you're home. SM

No you won't... flight doesn't leave til midnight. JM

You just couldn't bear the thought of not shagging me before I leave... maybe I'll just deny you. SM

An idea most unwise. JM

Why? I do have some modicum of self control. SM

Not when it comes to me you don't. JM

I could. SM

You wouldn't last eight minutes. JM

You're on. SM

oOoOo

So how's India? JM

Way hotter than I remembered. SM

Tropical. /Duh./ . JM

Stop acting like I'm a moron. SM

Last name /is/ a vowel off. JM

You complete arse. SM

You know you love me. JM

Can't really help myself. SM

Awww, bless. JM

Picked up a fresh trail this morning. SM

Excellent, Good hunting, Sebastian. JM

Will text you when it's done. SM

All right. I eagerly await your return. JM

oOoOo

Found you a very nice specimen. SM

Excellent. JM

Large, fit, lovely stripes. SM

Much like you. JM

When can the jet be ready? Don't want to get stopped or arrested or anything. SM

Jet is awaiting your arrival on the tarmac. JM

Excellent. Do you have someone lined up to take care of it? SM

Of course. JM

Where's the rug gonna go? SM

Study like I told you. No, wait... bedroom. Have your prize where we can... break it in. JM

Ohhhh you're gonna make it /really/ hard to get back to the airstrip. SM

Save it for when you get home and your kill is gracing the bedroom floor. JM

Your Tiger on the prowl is on his way back. SM

Good. I shiver with anticipation. JM

You've been watching RHPS again. SM

No... well, perhaps. You'd look bloody amazing in a  gold Speedo. JM

Just another excuse to have me naked and oogle my arse? SM

It's /ogle/ and yes. JM

Does that mean you get fishnets, garters, and a corset? SM

Maybe. JM

That would be quite a sight. Get you some heels too. SM

Of course. Eight inch heels. JM

Trying to be taller than me? SM

No, they make my legs look /fantastic/. JM

May have just dribbled drool down my chin. SM

Good. Red heels... blood red. JM

Okay, I /clearly/ have no self control where you are concerned. SM

I told you as much. JM

Well then fuck you. SM

Only if you're good. JM

I'm the best you cheeky fucker. SM

Well when you get home... /prove it/. JM

Challenge accepted. Made it to the tarmac. Your Tiger shall return. SM

Good. JM

oOoOo

Okay Boss, it's official. If all nights will be like last night, you should send me away more. SM

Only occasionally. Don't want you away more than is necessary. JM

Well same here. I hated being away even though I love the hunt. SM

Maybe I can organize some local hunting... find someone I need taken care of, turn them loose and let you get them. JM

Can we use the abandoned factory complex? Make them think they have a chance? SM

Oh yes. Our very own labyrinth. JM

You're the king of course. SM

Chapter Text

Jim, I miss you. SM

I've been gone for /five minutes/. This is getting ridiculous Tiger. JM

You have not! It can't have only been 5 minutes. SM

Check the clock. Left five minutes ago. JM

...is it better if I take it back? SM

What's said is said, Seb. JM

Okay. I hate being home sick. This is ridiculous. SM

Watch the telly. Or read. Or wank. Something. JM

Reruns... read them all... too sick. SM

Then sleep and stop whinging. JM

Not tired. SM

Listen to music then. And STOP WHINGING. JM

No I won't stop. Bugging you is fun. And all the music reminds me of you. SM

...well, that's flattering. Miss you too, Tiger. I should be home in an hour or so. JM

What did you go out for anyway? SM

Oh the usual... eggs, milk, bread, murder. JM

Be safe, Boss. Wouldn't want you to get framed for a supermarket accident just because the carrots did it. SM

Please, groceries /after/ the murder. And like I'd get my hands dirty with that... I'm overseeing an... /application/, if you will. Bloke wants to work for me and I want to see what he can do in person. JM

Awww, I have to miss it? SM

You're sick, doofus. JM

Yes, but you never said there were auditions today. SM

Did you fake being sick to get out of grocery shopping? JM

...I'm not going to answer that. SM

You fucker, you  /did/. You're sleeping in the car tonight. JM

/BOOOOOOOOSSSS!/ SM

/Car/. JM

No. SM

...excuse me? JM

I won't sleep in the car. SM

You will or I'll remove your toenails. JM

You... you're insufferable. Can't I have the couch? SM

No. You /faked/ sick just so you wouldn't have to go /grocery shopping/ with me. You're such a child! JM

And you're acting like a five year old who just broke his favorite toy! SM

Do you hate grocery shopping with me so much that you pretend to get out of it? I /was/ going to get your favorites to help you feel better, but sod that. You get FancyFeast. JM

...are you fucking /joking?!/ SM

No. Fish Surprise or Liver Delight? JM

Gross. SM

Liver it is then. JM

Cat food... you can't fucking be serious. Fine/ I'm just gonna hide all of the real food we have. SM

In the crawlspace near the elevator. I know all the hiding spots. Lived here six years before you lived with me. JM

There's a crawlspace there? SM

Too small for you, but yes. JM

So I wouldn't hide the food there, then. SM

No. But you /were/ thinking of putting it underneath the couch. JM

How the hell-Fine, yeah, see if I care. SM

Chapter Text

Fine, Boss. Don't get your feathers in a twist. ;) SM

Oi! Watch your cheek. JM

Difficult to watch one's own face, Boss. Thought you'd know that. And I'm not vain enough to carry around a mirror. SM

...you're going the right way to sleep in the car for a week. JM

Aw, /Boss.../ don't be like that. Please? SM

Depends on how much you're going to suck up to me. JM

Brilliant Magpie- mastermind of whom the criminal world sings praises and hushed whispers about your terrifying skills of torture and efficient killing. Long may you reign! SM

Now, now, you'll make Daddy blush. JM

Good. You're adorable when you blush. ;) SM

...I'm a dangerous criminal mastermind. I am not /cute/. JM

Says the man who cuddles like a puppy. SM

Only after you've fucked me from here to the moon. JM

You cuddle when you sleep, too. No fucking involved. SM

I do not! JM

You do so! You even snore a little!! If it were any more cute, I think I'd sick up kittens. SM

...car. A week. JM

What?! No! Not fair! I'm still singing your praises! How adorable you are is praise! SM

I could kill you a thousand different ways! Or have you already forgotten the cat food incident? JM

No boss. Sorry boss. Can I at least sleep on the couch instead...? Please? SM

What, and cave for you now? If I did that, you'd think you could negotiate your sleeping arrangements from now on. JM

No! I just want to be in top form, and sleeping in a car would injure my concentration. SM

Yes, but it would remind you not to mouth off to me when I'm in less than an affable mood. JM

Is there any way at all that I can make it up to you/change your mind? SM

...kindawantabackrub...but I'm still mad at you. JM

When you get home, I'll give you the best backrub /ever/. SM

Aren't you an eager little Tiger. JM

Only for you. SM

Awwww, aren't you just a sickly sweet ball of orange and black fur. JM

Yup. That's me. SM

You are an enigma, Sebastian Moran. JM

Why thank you, James Moriarty. So are you. But you always were. SM

Chapter Text

Miss you, Jimmy. And... I'm sorry about the food. And about faking being sick. I honestly didn't think you'd buy it. SM

You are an /arse/. You sounded absolutely wretched. I'm not that much of a monster that I'll drag you out on shopping when you're ill. And I miss you too. JM

I'm trying to apologize for seriously fucking up, okay? SM

...okay. JM

Why doesn't it sound like you believe me? SM

I do. I'm still pissed at you though. JM

What do I have to do for forgiveness? I truly hate when you're mad at me. SM

I'll think of something. JM

All right... does it help at all if I swear not to do it again? SM

No. JM

Why? SM

Because you'll forget and try it again later. JM

No I won't! How can you say that? SM

Because humans are creatures of habit. JM

That statement precludes the option of you being human. SM

I try to forget sometimes. JM

You shouldn't. SM

Makes the nightmares easier to deal with. JM

Jimmy... you never really said about the nightmares. SM

Never needed to. JM

Yes, you did!!! SM

Why would I need to? JM

Because we're sleeping together. Because I work for you. Because I care about you and love you. SM

It never came up. JM

Well, it is now. What are they about? SM

The people I've killed, mostly. Some of them had children. A lot of them did, actually. Children who are orphans now because of me. JM

You feel guilt. SM

Of course I do, Sebastian. I'm not a /complete/ monster. Although sometimes I wish I were... it would make things easier. JM

I always thought you were. You've never shown any signs before. And how do I not wake up when you're having a nightmare? SM

Because I wake up in a cold sweat, mouth stretched in a silent scream before I lay as still as a corpse and stare at the ceiling for the rest of the night. JM

Oh my god... /Jimmy/... SM

That's the way it's always been. Why change the routine now? I'm resigned to it anyway. JM

Because I /care/ about you. And if you'd wake me, I could help. SM

You have the habit of pointing loaded guns in the faces of those who try to wake you. JM

Only because there have been attempts on my life at night. SM

Please. The only attempt I'd make on your life is to spend the rest of whatever is left of it with you. JM

Then wake me the next time and I promise not to have any weapons in a ten foot radius. SM

All right. And Sebby? JM

Yeah? SM

I forgive you. JM

Thank you Boss. It /really/ means a great deal. SM

I love you. JM

Jim Moriarty, I love you too. SM

Chapter Text

Don't shoot up any walls, now. JW

How would I be able to do that, John? Seeing as you're currently at work and took your gun with you and I don't have a spare. SH

Because you're Sherlock and you'd figure out how to make some sort of firearm with a potato and a rubber band. JW

Well, now that you mention it... SH

DON'T. YOU. DARE. JW

Jaawwwwwwwwn. SH

/NO/. JW

/Fine./... bored. SH

Do a jigsaw puzzle or something. A crossword. JW

Simple. Dull. SH

Try and find Atlantis. JW

Doesn't exist. Proved it conclusively when I was 12. SH

Find El Dorado, then. JW

Did exist. Long gone though. SH

...what? JW

El Dorado fully existed in the fifteen hundreds, but it's long since crumbled and faded away, plundered and become lost since the natives were brutally killed by disease and famine. Do you ever /read/ my website? SH

You've only ever written about those bloody 200 different types of tobacco ash. Now /that/ is boring. JW

243. SH

Whatever. JW

And some of the cases I've solved, but now that you write for me, there's no reason to continue. Oh, and I used it to communicate with Moriarty during that case, so it's not for nothing. SH

Yes, and I still think that was a horrifically bad move. JW

It saved people's lives, didn't it? That' what you were so angry about. That people were dying and I 'didn't care'. SH

Right. Anyway, glad he's dead. JW

Yes, well... Bored. SH

Wait... he's not dead isn't he... oh /fuck.../. JW

Yes, John, he is dead. I made sure of it when I took down his network... all to protect /you/ if memory serves... and Lestrade and Mrs. Hudson, but I did do it all for you. SH

Oh. JW

Exactly. SH