Dear Mrs. Lupin,
Please do not be alarmed but I must inform you about your son.
First of all, I would like to say that I still think you are a lovely, beautiful woman whom I never tire of looking at. Despite everything your son is doing to me, I would never take it out on you.
You see, your son is quite an evil bastard (please excuse my language from this point on). There have been incidents in recent months where I ask myself why I am even friends with him. Fortunately, I have slacked off in enough classes to compile a list of the things that I absolutely HATE about your son, Remus Lupin.
- Quill Biting- This is the reason why I cannot concentrate in class. Granted, I never concentrate in class but this is so annoying that I consider it to be the reason I forget to take notes. Not even my love and affection for Professor McGonagall can pull me away from staring at your son as he nibbles on the end of his quill as if he hadn’t eaten an entire plate of sausages for breakfast that morning. Not only that, he always turns to look at me and smiles as his perfectly white teeth murder the poor quill in his mouth. I suggest some kind of intense Quill Biting therapy to end this horrid habit.
- Reading Books Under Trees- As if Hogwarts didn’t have a library filled with chairs to be sat (or shagged) on, your son chooses to sit outside, under a tree by the lake to read books and finish his homework. While other people may consider this charming and romantic, I think it’s stupid. The sun make his hair look an odd shade of blond, a shade that I think makes him look a lot more pale than he already is. His hair is always mussed and he’s already asked me to pluck leaves and twigs out of his hair more times than I can count. The worst is when he has a sunburn over his nose and cheeks because the idiot forgot to sit under the shade. It’s not a lovely sight, trust me.
- I’m sorry to inform you that your son is an idiot.
- Odd Sleeping Habits- It is common knowledge that our beds are next to each other. That, however, is something I wish to change. Your son likes to move around on his bed as if something has snuck into his pants and for once, that was not innuendo. He is incapable of waking up like a normal person; quiet and grumpy. Your son wakes up at six o’clock every morning, stretches out on the bed and then makes this horrible moaning sound as he smiles sleepily at me. It’s truly the most unnerving sight I have seen.
- Ghastly Table Manners- This. This is the most disgusting and terrible thing my beautiful eyes have ever seen. Let me describe it for you, Mrs. Lupin. One night during dinner, while I was happily eating, I looked up to see if my friends were enjoying their meal (I’m lying. I wanted to see what kind of side dish Lily Evans would fling at James. This time, they were peas). It just so happened that Remus was sitting in my line of sight when he slowly began to lick the pudding off his spoon. Wait! That isn’t all! He then proceeded to lick his fingers, one by one and when he noticed that I was watching, he smiled. He smiled around the finger that was still in his mouth and I was completely disgusted. So disgusted that I had to excuse myself to calm my frantically beating heart until dinner was over.
- Your son is evil.
- Your son also likes to look directly at me when he speaks.
- And sometimes he smirks at me and that is the reason why I failed my project during potions last week. I expect him to make up for this as soon as possible.
I don’t want to alarm you or make you think that your son is some kind of a strange being. But he’s an evil and sometimes furry bastard.
Waiting To See your Beautiful Face,