There’s something special about the few minutes after a feelings jam. Even if the feelings jam was had in the single most uncomfortable pile of horns that the universe ever had to offer. Those few minutes after a feelings jam are always sort of magical. Not in the sense that there’s glitter and unicorns prancing around in celebration, but rather the air feels magical. It’s something about being able to spew things like an imbecile to someone and not have them judge you. Sure there might not be glitter and unicorns, but there sure as fuck are diamonds. Diamonds as far as the eye can see.
So when you’re lying there with a newly christened moirail, wondering just where your life is going and just what’s going to happen next, you realize one thing.
It’s going to be alright now.
Sure, you’re hurling through space at faster than light speed, watching your friends mosey about like nothing changed. It’s easy to ignore the two humans trying to blend in, at least when you’re in a pile.
So when you’re lying on that pile with your moirail (jegus, he’s finally calmed himself down after that fucking rampage. I can’t believe it.) and he’s pointing at stars claiming he can see shapes, you think that maybe there is a trickle of that fucking slime still bubbling in his gut. I told him that’s nice. I can’t see the quackbeast, but if he sees one, that’s great.
But that magic moment’s still going on. Gamzee’s got an arm around me, it’s unnerving, but if it makes him comfortable, it works. I’ll deal with it. He needs me. I don’t think I need him nearly as much, but whatever.
When we’re kids, our lusus is the closest thing we have to a moirail. You fight, you protect each other, you make sure the other one is happy and satisfied. Your lusus is there to make life easier. Just a little more fucking manageable, even if shit is hitting the whirling blade device. But as you grow older, your lusus starts to know less and less about you. And that’s when you really need a moirail. Sure, there’s nothing wrong with getting a moirail and still being that close to your lusus. But all lusii are going to die one day. Probably a lot sooner than expected. Having a moirail makes things easier.
Gamzee probably needed me a lot sooner than I was willing to consent to. With a lusus like his? He probably needed me as his moirail the day we met. Idiot. I might not have been pale back then, but I could have tried something. Maybe if he told me way back in the day, we’d be moirails sooner, and he wouldn’t have gotten a fucking murderboner going.
But Gamzee just pulls me in for a hug. The diamonds are still floating in the air all around us, and we’re both feeling it. It’s a pleasant feeling. I like it, but do I show it? Leaders aren’t allowed to be happy, are they? Gamzee’s got his fingers in my hair, ruffling it up. Trying to play around with me. I shove him away because I’m not really up for more extensive cuddling.
Maybe next time.
It’s almost nice to say that. To say that next time we fall into a pile for a feelings jam, that I’m comfortable with him draping himself on me and treating me like I’m the owner to some overly affectionate woofbeast.
He asks me if I’m mad at him. Of all questions. I could choke him.
“I’m still pissed that you flipped your shit, but,” He’s got that look of complete heartbreak. Fuck. I just hurt his feelings, and that was the last thing on my agenda for the day. Moirail for less than three days, and already I’ve fucked it all up. Award for the champion of failed moiraillegiances goes right to Karkat Vantas for being an absolute douchebag to his psychologically unstable moirail! Whoop de fucking doo! I’ve never been more proud.
He starts to apologize, and explain himself again.
I just put my hand on his cheek, smeaing some of the white on his face, and sigh under my breath as I just run my palm over him. And I relent and just snuggle up against him, because I think he probably needs it now.
“I’m not mad. You had a breakdown.” I say quietly before I feel the life get squished out of me, Gamzee’s wrapped his arms tight around my stomach in a hug. “It’s okay, I’ll be here to stop you if it happens again, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
And he just smiles as he rubs close against me, rubbing his makeup on my face. Great. Now I need a bath. But he says something I think I really needed to hear after all of this.
“Don’t matter if you’re gonna stop me,” he says. “Just matters that you’ll all be there.”
I try not to smile, but it actually comes pretty quickly, and I punch him in the shoulder. He seems to be alright with my more brutal display of affection.
“Shut up, idiot.” I say to him, seeing him laughing.
“No way, best friend.”
His eyes close, and I realize he’s going to probably wind up taking a nap now. Sure. I don’t mind, I guess. Maybe I’ll sleep too. It’s been a while. He can’t see the diamonds anymore, but I can still see them. They’re all around us.
And then I realize why he wanted to look at stars.
I think in his eyes, he saw each one as a diamond. And I’m cool with that.