“Oh God, Steve, yes, like that!” Tony cried out. He loved it when Steve topped, loved how he fucked him. He couldn’t bring himself to tell him why though; how he imagined he was really fucking him in a phantom hole, one that wasn’t so tight, one that didn’t need all this lube for it not to be painful, one actually designed for what they were doing. He loved it when Steve grabbed his shaft, fiercely stroking, imagining his was teasing a much smaller mound of flesh. He came to the thought of Steve fucking his pussy and cunt, cum spurting onto his stomach; how he loathed his cum- so messy. Steve followed quickly, Tony’s clenching muscles enough to push him over the edge. He pulled out and realised the condom had split- one good thing about being in the male anatomy: no unwanted pregnancy scares.
They sat together eating breakfast in the kitchen in content silence. Tony was reading the paper as he spooned the cereal in- he would have forgone the meal if Steve hadn’t forced him to sit down, shoving the bowl in front of him. He drank the remaining milk by tipping the bowl up and left it on the counter as he rose to leave. “Put it in the sink, I’m not clearing up after you!” Steve said, his voice stern but his face soft to show he was joking.
“Sorry.” Tony mumbled.
“You’re really not one for domesticity, are you? Good thing you’re not a woman.” Steve chuckled.
“Why, because all women have to be domestic goddesses? It’s an innate trait? Or is something they learn after they graduate from the College of Femininity, where they go to frat house Chromosome XX and receive a diploma certifying their womenhood. ‘Go forth and cook and clean, you have a certified vagina now!’”
“I was joking Tony, fuck what’s got into you this morning?”
“Nothing, I’m off to work.”
Tony knew this was tearing him and Steve apart. It had been tearing him up for as long as he could remember- he didn’t mind so much since he had alcohol to help with that- but he knew he couldn’t let this break apart the one good thing he had in his life. He took a sip from his hip flask- for liquid courage- and headed home.
“Steve, sit down, we need to talk.” Tony slurred.
“No, you can’t break up with me when you’re this drunk, it’s not fair!”
“I’m not breaking up with you. Really, Steve? After all this time you’re still insecure?” he sat- well, more like tumbled- next to Steve on the sofa, placing a hand on his knee.
“I need to tell you something, and I need you to listen. Can you do that for me?”
“Of course, anything for you, Tony.” He moved in towards him without realising, shoulders touching. After being together for so long they naturally fitted together, bodies unconsciously trying to be as close as possible.
“I’m, Steve, Jesus, fuck- this is harder than I thought,” Tony squinted his eyes shut, hand clenching harder on Steve’s knee. “I’mawomanSteve.”
“I’m a woman, Steve. Trapped in this body.”
“Okay, you’ve definitely had too much to drink, let’s get you to bed.”
“No, please, listen. I’m wrong. I mean, what I said was right, it’s me who’s physically wrong. I’m in the wrong body Steve.”
“I really don’t follow Tony.”
“For as long as I can remember I knew I was born wrong. I just felt... claustrophobic in my own skin. I remember being about 4 and my dad walking in on me holding a pair of scissors trying to cut my own penis off. That’s why he hated me as a child, I wasn’t the son he wanted. That’s why he sent me to boarding school, he couldn’t cope with having a ‘freak’ as a son. I just hate my body Steve, it’s not the one I was suppose to have. Fuck, none of this is making sense. Please, Steve, try to understand.”
“You’re the most masculine guy I know, and my contacts include Thor. How can this be?”
“Never heard of over-compensation?” Tony chuckled humourlessly. He blinked, the tears welling up in his eyes that he hadn’t been aware of even forming falling down his cheeks. “I’ve tried my entire life to be someone I’m not, and up until recently that was okay. I’d grown up hating myself so much I thought even if I did get the gender reassignment surgery I would still be unhappy, but you’ve shown me how to be happy, Steve. I-I, please, say something.”
Steve paused for a moment, trying to take it all in.
“So you want to have surgery?”
“Why would you want to do that to yourself”?
“Why would you want to ruin yourself, want to be a tranny? Don’t you see, Tony, you’re perfect just the way you are, you don’t need to change.”
“Steve, it’s not that simple, I-” the tears began to overwhelm him.
“I can’t deal with this right now. I’ll sleep downstairs. Goodnight, Tony.” He left his boyfriend cradling his head, not even bothering to stop the tears anymore.
Neither of them attempted to get in touch with the other one for the rest of the week. It was only when they were called in for a debriefing at S. H. I. E. L. D. Did they finally see each other- although they couldn’t look each other in the eye. Tony sat as far away as he could from Steve, causing everyone to stare questioningly. Bruce sat down next to him, giving him a cup of coffee. Tony took in wordlessly, sipping at it, not bothering to wait for it to cool down. “Bruce?”
“What do you remember most about trying to kill yourself? You know, before the other guy intervened?”
“Wh- why do you wanna know Tony? C’mon, it’s a bit early for this sorta talk.” He chuckled nervously, still embarrassed at what he attempted.
“It would make sense for it to be your heart racing, your skin crawling with cold sweat, right? Or maybe what you thought would be your last thoughts, trying to picture of the faces you were leaving behind. But all I can remember is the taste of metal. The barrel of the gun against my teeth.”
“Tony, what are you saying?”
“Nothing, forget I said anything. Sorry, gotta leave, send the minutes to Pepper, would you?” Tony left, no one attempted to stop him. Once he left everyone slowly turned to face Steve, hoping he could provide an explanation, but he couldn’t even close his mouth from the shock.
Tony was drunk. Not just tipsy, but full on drunk. He wasn’t even aware that was even possible anymore, but it turned out it was. He was wearing nothing but the black lace bra and panties he had hidden at the bottom of his underwear draw. He liked to try them on every now and then, imaging his body fitted them the way they were designed to be worn. With his vision blurred from being so intoxicated it was easier to imagine than usual. He had JARVIS blaring out Black Sabbath and ACDC- male or female Tony still had kick ass taste in music- and danced around in his room. He had been wearing heels earlier but after almost twisting his ankle he chucked them at the door in rage. He did the same with the empty glass bottle of whiskey. It was the crunch of shoes on glass that alerted Tony that he was not alone.
“Steve! Wh-what are you doing here?”
“I’m here for you.”
“What, this mess of a boyfriend?” he spat out the last word. “I told you when we first got together I was a mess. But you said you didn’t care, you said you would be there for me. Why couldn’t you fucking mean it?” he slumped on the floor, bring his knees to his chest.
“C’mon Tony, let’s get you to bed.”
“So you can fuck me, tell me how we fit together just as we are now? No thanks.”
“No, so you can sober up. We’ll talk in the morning.” Steve grabbed Tony from under his arms and lifted in onto the bed. “Good night.” He kissed is forehead-a brief peck- before turning off the lights and leaving him.
“I still love you Steve.” He called out into the dark, without a reply.
“Morning, sleeping beauty.” Steve murmured in Tony’s ear, gently shaking his shoulder to wake him up. Tony replied but it was muffled by his pillow. “Here, I brought some water.” He handed the glass over as Tony stirred, helping him to sip it slowly.
“What are you doing here?”
“We need to talk.”
“I knew it.”
“You’re breaking up with me. Damn it, I knew I should have kept my big mouth shut-”
“I’m not breaking up with you. Really, Tony? After all this time you’re still insecure?” he chuckled as he used Tony’s words. “Did you know if you were in the German army you could have the operation paid for you?”
“And if you were in Sweden you would have a forced sterilization as part of the procedure?”
“And in the UK 1 in 4000 people are transgender?”
“Okay Google, are you gonna explain what you are on about?”
“I stayed up all last night getting JARVIS to teach me about this, you, your... situation. I get it now. I really do. I’m, I’m sorry how I reacted. Honestly.”
“Crap, I’m still dreaming. Why does my head hurt so much if I’m still asleep?”
“You’re not dreaming, I’m being serious. I’m not saying I get it completely or I know what to do, but you were right last night, I promised I would always be there for you Tony. I meant it. I love you, not your body, you. Can you forgive me?”
Tony replied with a simple, desperate kiss.