Chapter 1: College Bucket List
"Can you believe we made it out of there, alive?" Jeff was hastily removing the black graduation robes from his person.
"I don't know how alive you would call it. Pierce had two heart attacks and Annie was re-admitted to rehab." Abed said, half paying attention to the group and half watching the tassel on his hat as it wobbled precariously from its frayed string.
"Yeah, but I'm fine now." Annie smiled at him from the monitor on the table beside Shirley, sitting upright in her white hospital bed, but wearing her graduation robe and cap, "I'm straight back on the stress pills if you touch this hat." She screamed at someone off screen, and everyone heard the faint 'Just calm down'. The group was silent for a few minutes.
"Well gaywads - sorry Jeff, am I being homophobic? Well people, I'm off, see you all tomorrow." Said Pierce, looking through his satchel slung over the back of his chair. He rustled inside it. Jeff rolled his eyes and put his feet on the desk, pulling the blackberry out of his pants pocket.
"Pierce. We aren't coming back." Shirley's concerned as soft as she broke the news to Pierce, whose eyes grew wide like an upset child. He looked up from his satchel, to each member of the group, looking more vulnerable than usual.
"Isn't this just some Halloween get-up?" He asked, tugging at the sleeve of his robe,
"Nope. This is our last day. This is also the opportunity I have been looking for to complete my final college bucket list item." Abed took the yellowing bucket list out of his pants pocket, and a pencil from his bag, "Ok, so on my count, we all have to throw our caps in the air and say, 'Hooray' got that?"
Voices broke out in a chorus as people voice their arguments.
"What do you mean we aren't coming back?! Ay-bed, this better be one of your Muslim jokes I don't get." Pierce complained.
"I am not bending to the demands of society! Every time you see a movie where people do that, it's after the outsider has learned to get along with people. Name five cases of this in real life." Britta had still not gotten over her aversion to, well, everything.
"If I throw things, they put me in a strait jacket. You don't want me to wear a strait jacket, do you Abed?" Asked Annie, but the screen turned black as Shirley clicked the remote,
"We ain’t ever going to see each other again, and you want to risk a concussion by throwing things in the air? Uh-uh. No way, Abed. No way." Shirley clutched her purse, and shook her head, the tassel swinging precariously.
"I would, but as you know, as a full-fledged lawyer, I can have you sued twenty-two different ways for making me give a damn." Jeff hardly glanced up from his black berry to argue in his usual, smooth, Winger voice.
"Abed, mine is made of paper. I might get a paper cut. Or you might get a paper cut. I don't want to give you a paper cut!" Troy was using this excuse to begin to cry, not wanting the others to think he cared too much about them when he really did. He hugged a startled Abed, whispering, "Not a paper cut. Those things hurt, you know."
Abed unattached himself from a sobbing Troy to face the group.
"We will see each other again, how can we not, we have devoted the past four years to each other. And I am almost positive, in ten years; we will still be close friends." Abed reassured them, a shiver of pride rippled through him, for he was not usually the one to console them, that was Jeff's job.
"Awww, how sweet!" Dean Pelton clasped his hands together as he stood in the door way.
Jeff's head dropped to his chest with an exasperated sigh.
"So," The Dean looked around the room with a smile, walking in and placing a hand on Jeff's shoulder, as he does, "How are the graduates? Ready and pumped to live in the big-wide-world? To fend for yourself?" Jeff shrugged the Dean's hand off, and, without actually turning to the Dean, addressed him.
"May I remind you that we are adults, not teenagers leaving high school? And as an adult, I can have you sued for touching me."
"On what grounds, Mr Winger?" Asked Britta, turning with a smug look on her face.
"Wow, I am so glad you decided to take Law with me." Jeff gave her a sarcastic smile as the Dean withdrew his hand, biting his lower lip worriedly -
"This seemed to be the start of another 'Jeff against Britta'." Abed said, watching the two of them, his eyes darting from Jeff, to Britta, to the Dean, to his bucket list, which crinkled in his hands.
"J.A.B… Jab?" Pierce asked, looking confused. Jeff and Britta stared defiantly at one another as the Dean slunk out of the room,
"I'll leave you guys to it… Abed? Are you still interested in being head of Greendale's AV department? You'll get a free drink every week at the cafeteria." The Dean tried to tempt Abed, looking hopefully at him from the doorway.
"No thankyou Dean, after my big debut at the Denver Underground Film Festival, I realise that I need to go to expand my knowledge." Abed folded the bucket list neatly as he talked and looked up at the Dean as he put in into his pocket. Jeff and Britta had even stopped their mute argument to watch the exchange.
"What if I get, who is it… Indiana Jones? What if I got him to teach here?" Asked the Dean hopefully, but Abed just cocked his head to the side and looked at the Dean,
"Maybe if you got Bill Lawrence, even though he's not actually a teacher, but you do know Indiana Jones is a character played by Harrison Ford in hit Indiana Jones movies?" Jeff had to hide his laughter.
"No. No I did not." The Dean said quietly, almost to himself and back out of view as Abed turned back to the group. The dormant screen beside Shirley flickered to life.
"Who turned the television off? Are you ignoring me? What's happening?" Whined Annie, no-one really paid her any attention, so Abed ploughed on;
"So, if we aren't throwing our hats in the air, common Sitcom edict says we should reminisce."
"But, Abed *hic* we aren't in a Sitcom. *hic*" Troy sniffled, turning to his best friend,
"I know it just feels as if our lives here have been overly dramatized; I mean, what about the government threatened to bomb Leonard." Abed looked at each of them, and Jeff removed his feet from the table.
"Abed, this is Greendale, and that is Leonard. It's just a normal Monday, am I right?"
"Up yours Winger!" Cried Leonard from the doorway.
"Shut up, Leonard!" Jeff smiled at the rest of the group, but no-one joined to agree with him; they all sat in thoughtful silence.
"Abed's right. Remember when it was family day? My little Ben ran into the open sewer and Dean got the S.W.A.T team in." Shirley clutched her purse tighter, looking at the table, "What was the sewer doing open anyway?"
"Leonard had this idea; we were going to get a giant fan and blow sewer air out." Pierce looked triumphantly at her, to Shirley's aghast expression.
"There was a giant fan in there?"
"No," Pierce looked at the desk, sheepishly, "Apparently Leonard took it off a cruise-ship-thing. The point is, he was caught by the police and I spent the day in the sewer." Pierce made a face.
"Well, what about all the good things. I am actually going to miss one of my classes." Jeff smiled, and the group turned to look at him like he grew an extra head.
"You? Jeff Winger?" Annie was the first to speak up,
"Yeah, American Romanticism. Britta and I have been going to that class for the past year. You guys didn’t know that?" Jeff smiled cockily from Britta, to everyone else.
"They broke you." Said Shirley, staring defiantly at Jeff, who sighed and pulled out his blackberry.
"Whatever." He begins to click away, and an awkward silence ensues.
"Ok then… Awww Troy, what's wrong? Are you going to miss us?" Annie sees Troy crying, his head snaps up, and he splutters for an excuse,
"No. Yes. Maybe. I don't know!" He buries his face in his hands, and resumes crying,
"Awwww!" Shirley and Annie coo. Groaning in defeat, Jeff dropped his feet off the table, and slouched forward,
"Remember the last time Troy cried?" He asked,
"Wait; was that before or after Pierce's ninth wedding?" Britta asked, staring at the ceiling in concentration.
"Before, when the Dean made him wear the Human Being Suit." Annie pursed her lips, sure she was right,
"They set me on fire." Troy said through his tears. Abed patted him on the back absent minded-ly,
"Nope, it was after. The day the Dean cancelled Taco Wednesday. And Britta became open about her relationship with Paige." Abed didn't have to search far in his mind for that. Everyone 'ohed' in recognition. An awkward silence filled the room, one which Jeff was happy to break.
"What about Pierce's first heart attack?"
"It was shortly after Chang and Chainsaw Friday -" Pierce began, only to be interrupted by Shirley, concern etched into her face,
"What and What Thursday?" She cried, asking the question that had sprung into everyone's mind.
"Chang and Chainsaw. You know, bring a Chang, get a chainsaw?" He looked around at the bewildered group,
"There's no day like that…" Britta was half way between amusement and bewilderment,
"Then why did Chang have a chainsaw?"
"Because he's insane! Remember, he kidnapped the Dean." Jeff frowned, smacking his hands on the table, "Remember how he chewed through the main power cords?"
"He was on drugs, Jeff." Britta raised her eyebrows defiantly, to which Jeff rolls his eyes, dismay coursing through him like blood,
"Children's aspirin. And he ate those four dog treats before he realised that they were cupcakes made of meat."
"His coat never looked better." Another failed Pierce Joke, one of the last. The balding man turns to his companions, wanting some hint of approval, to which they give him none. The look of sadness disappears from his face, only to be replaced with a look of befuddlement, utter -
"Abed! No narrating!" The no longer ex-layer glowers at the strange man sitting at the opposite end of the table, rising to his feet, shouts course through the room, making the strange man cease his talking in bewilderment, yet he doesn't he continues to talk, dictate the daily lives of those around him, so future generations may look at it as-
"Jeff, leave it, I think it adds a finale vibe, you know, when he gets a job, he'll get so many weird looks when he does this… Just let him be…" The blonde beside the lawyer stands up for the strange man, as she has for the past four years. She looks to her comrades, the seven who have stood the test of time, that time being four years. And in those four years much has happened.
"Nurse, can I get some popcorn? Abed's doing his robot memory thing… Get me some flipping popcorn!" The group waits in silence as the beautiful woman on screen is handed a small box of popcorn, smiling as the strange man talks. They look to him expectantly, some with
adoration, concern, love, bewilderment, even amusement, as he regales the tales of Greendale.
Chapter 2: Eidetic Memory Studies - Directed by Abed Nadir
I have spent a good many semesters within the walls of this school, surrounded by friends, no, surrounded by family.
"Awwww! That's nice!" The black mother figure of the group, who sits across from the strange man, takes pleasure in his stories, as he tells them. In walks the bald man, who has been both a father and a mentor to the group of misfits gathered around an ordinary table. He holds a camera in his hand, smiling, attempting to coax the strange man into staying at this school. Little does he know that his efforts are futile. As he backs away, forced smile upon his lips, he casts a glance at the aloof Jeff Winger, who rolls his eyes in mockery and disbelief.
Ah, but that eye roll, how long has it been going, as long as this group, I would guess at.
During the first year, the cool Winger Attitude was developed, the group formed in the pretext of studying the language of the Spaniards, Spanish. Oh, but the group developed into so much more than that, love began to blossom, between the headstrong Britta Perry, ready to banter with Jeff, neither willing to admit just how vain and petty they were, but always ready for banter. Even now protests to my surmise spring forth, yet they must close their mouths, and keep their hearts open, once we depart.
If we follow the individual stories, they are filled with tragedy, love, and comedy, basically Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing. Even now, as the man, who has developed so much from an athlete, asks if it's 'The one staring Leonard DiCaprio', he still retains his childish innocence. In answer, No Troy, it's not.
Troy Barnes's story is light hearted, yet filled with some serious moments. If he was a movie, he'd be played by Eddie Murphy. Anyway, he was a high school footballer, top of the food chart, hardly any worries. He then injures himself, costing a big scholar ship. Where do the broken turn? Greendale. He found his way here, and met an unlikely bunch, who fit because they were all pieces of different jigsaw puzzles. During that first year, he made a solid friendship with the robotic at times, but very individual, Abed Nadir. Apart from a few dates with Randi, a woman from his class, Troy's love life changed little.
Annie Edison, smart, logical, everything ran into a schedule, sometimes she would doubt that schedule, but then she knew it was the right way to go… Probably played by Mila Kunis. Although, little Annie Edison sought after Troy, having nursed a crush on him from several years, she watched him grow, and during college, she was glad to help him do so. During that first year, sparks flew between Miss Edison and Mr Winger, sharing more than one kiss. Although, after high school, she was just happy to have friends. She made became close friends with Shirley Bennett.
As a recent divorcee with two young children, Shirley had come to Greendale, with a hatred for her ex-husband, and a wish to go viral with her baking;
Shirley found companionship within our band of misfits. Shirley, as a Christian, sometimes had difficulty accepting us, but she grew, and so did we, for if we grow to fit one another, we can grow to fit ourselves. The Ms Bennett once accepted help from a man she thought not to be helpful.
Peirce Hawthorn, yes, from Hawthorn Wipes, made advances on Shirley, repeatedly, yet we kept him in the group, he was the scapegoat, but he was our friend, we had to stick up for him, and all he did, because if we didn't who would? He was racist, homophobic and sexist, but we put up with him, for he was lonely, and we all saw a bit of ourselves in him. He was the oldest in our group, the elder, and we kind of respected him. Kind of a… Chevy Chase…
At the other end of the spectrum, well, not the other end is me, Abed Nadir. During the first year, I was the odd one in a group of odd ones. Unrelatable, everything was from T.V or film, and no-one got me. After bonding with Troy, we helped each other out, I became slightly more personable, and he has become more cultured. I didn't have a lot going on back then… Yeah… I still don't really...
In the middle of the generation gap was the wonderful Britta Perry. With Jodie Foster Severity and flawless Nordic looks, she worked to keep Jeffery Winger's Attitude in check.
"Why do you keep capitalising "Winger's Attitude?" Jeff asks, brow furrowed. Britta watches, as she has always, with a smug smile, and a quiet, mocking laugh. During this first year, while we did not know each other well, Britta was too righteous and womanly to sleep with him. Or so it seemed. During the rough night of paintball, feelings were divulged, to which none, spare Jeff and Britta know, which led to a passionate night on the study table, which we now all sit around, gathered as we always do, waiting for the bell to ring.
"Can I do the next one?" Annie bounced up and down on screen, smiling blindingly, "I'll start now."
Chapter 3: Beginners Narration - Directed by Annie Edison
During the second year at Greendale Community College, the relationships get complicated. Mr-Cool-Lawyer-Man gets into some trouble, when Britta and I found out he was playing us for chumps. Is that something people say? I don't know. Anyway, I get great satisfaction from punching him, and as he looks at me, rolling those grey eyes, he still thinks of himself as better than me.
"I do not!" He shouts, angry, but what Mr-Cool-Lawyer-Man doesn't realise, is that his redemption for his evil ways is in the third year, and this is the second year. I waggle my finger tauntingly at him from the television screen, as I tell him of his mistake. Even now, as he rolls his eyes again, I can still see him standing there, bloody nose, the George Clooney stand in Abed hired smiling expectantly as I glare angrily at him. He grows, during the second year, no longer the distant, cool guys, he was the father figure.
During the second year, I learn a lot, like, Abed hallucinates. During Christmas, he had a total breakdown, it was a special moment for me, and I bonded with someone I don't normally bond with… And Troy. As I think over my second year, I do not recall a lot of time spent with Abed. Except for when he turned into a horrible robot. Like Robocop. And he started making fun of everyone. But after Megan talked to him (which was totally unfair) he seemed ok again. Ooh! What about that time Abed became Jesus?! Shirley shakes her head, unwilling to remember the events that lead to Abed's religious experience, he began to teach the bible, and recruit followers… I really should have spent more time with you.
"We did kind of kiss… A lot." He reminds me, and we did. During the battle for our school, I fell into the trap that is Abed, well, Han Solo, but I was kind of… Smitten? Is that the word? Yeah. Anyway, it was a heated paintball game, far more as at stake second time around. The entire school against City College. It was really cool. There was the black rider, the two different themes and the whole debacle with Pierce…
Someone I did spend a lot of time with was Britta. Britta kissed a girl that year, oh, don't look so horrendously offended, it's a - what is it Abed - "Plot Point" - Yeah, it's a plot point. Anyway, we didn’t kiss, so it’s cool. So what if we almost kissed? We didn't! And when I thought of you, it's just friendly. Mostly friendly. Ok, sure a few weird dreams after Valentine’s Day, but that's it. Shut up! Shut up! Britta and Jeff almost got married. I was mortified, because, well… Now I'm blushing… I still kind of liked Jeff. To be fair, then you just left me hanging, all summer.
"This was after Britta and Slater told you they loved you… Cliff hanger… Nice!" Abed turns from Jeff to Britta to me. The woman on my left seems to be left out, somehow… Sorry Shirley, I'll do yours next.
Shirley became more accepting, no longer questioning much of what we did. We really valued her opinions; she became a valuable player in paintball, almost saving our school! That was really cool. Anyway… ha… You and Chang apparently got together during the Halloween no-one can remember. To be fair, I would try and block my memory if I did it with Chang. Sorry I'm not there to pat your arm comfortingly… Although, it was kind of cool that you had your baby in the last Anthropology class. I mean, gross, but cool.
Who next… Troy! Well, happy to say that after the first year, I got over your, we were free to resume a normal, healthy friendship. He has a bit of a thing with Britta, but that's only because she thinks he's broken. Apparently she was attracted to broken men. Anyway he was like, a heaps dedicated troop in the fight for our school.
Speaking of paintball, I was an ace. So was Pierce. He was a key player.
Pierce was evil, then good, then evil, then good. In the end, he was good. He saved Greendale, (which I am totally grateful for). He also ended up getting married again. It only lasted the holidays, to Woo May. They got married in the first week of the holidays. It was pretty sweet when it wasn't creepy...
"Ok, I vote I reminisce next." Jeff frowned at Annie over the monitor, who smiled at her own memories, and Britta put her feet up upon the desk,
"Get ready for Jeff Winger 101."
Chapter 4: Modern Narcissism - Directed by Jeff Winger
So, is this how I do it?
"Yep." Abed looks at me from across the table… What now…? They look at me expectantly, as memories… swirl? Yeah, memories of our third year in this dump swirl around my head. So, this was the year that… Was it you and me, Annie? Or Britta and me? Hey, you guys are just as deplorable as me. Even more so. That's it. I give up on this crap. I don't care.
"Who now?" Abed looks around at the table, Britta rolling her eyes as she sighs dejectedly,
"I'll have a go…"
Chapter 5: Captive Behavioural Studies - Directed by Britta Perry
It was our third year at Greendale, and things got kind of messy. This is the year Troy and Abed-
"We decided never to speak of that moment." Ok, ok. Anyway, this year, Jeff actually became sort of a person. He began to date Annie, each enjoying one another's company. Annie became less naïve, Jeff became less dickish. Anyway, I didn't approve, you are like, ten years apart.
"This isn't the first time you've told us." Annie voices her own complaints, as Mr Lawyer sits, feet on the desk, playing with his blackberry. Jerk. They broke up after a few months, which brought Jeff down a peg or two. He and I went out for some time, but we broke up because… It was mutual. Anyway. Jeff went back to Slater, but that didn't last long. She wanted him to grow up, which was kind of unreasonable, seeing as she was the one to crawl back to him. It was around this time that Jeff and Pierce had to share an apartment for an assignment.
Wow, that was fun. At the same time, Pierce was dating this woman named Janelle. It was kind of awkward, because Jeff had entered that 'fed up, want him gone' stage. But he would have failed, and I think they learned from each other. Well, they observed.
"Pierce's Log; Winger kicked out Janelle again. If he wasn't gay, I'd say he was coming on to her." Pierce looks amused as I recall this little piece of information.
Abed and I have a bit of a thing, it was cool at first, but we broke up after a few months. He and Troy moved in together. That was very much the right decision, and guys,
"Yeah, Britta?" Troy looks at me sceptically, stay friends, don't let anyone push you. 'Kay? Both nod. Good. Although, there was that one -
"Britta! Seriously!" Now everyone's wondering why Troy's yelling. Do you want to tell them? No? I'll make it brief. One night, they get kind of hammered, and end up kissing. Not so bad, and it's not like no-one saw it coming.
"What do you mean by that?!" Now Troy's mad. Ok, moving away from that subject. On another note, Shirley is back with her ex. I don't thoroughly approve, but she loves him, so it's ok. During that year, Garrett helped her set up a web page, and she begun to sell cookies online. Her life is still pretty good, Ben's growing up nicely. Although, Pierce already mentioned the Family Day Incident, that was 3rd year.
Pierce was suspended for two weeks, but the Dean allowed him to stay here because he had no-where else to hang out…
Annie had a rough third year. After breaking up with Jeff, Vaughn showed up again, that was an awkward conversation. That's about the time she got her black belt, let's just say… I don't want to meet her in a dark alley…
My life was kind of boring, apart from the fact that I was in a car crash, and that was the year I saw Paige again. It was so embarrassing after last time, but… I don't know… We just sort of… Got together.
"Ah ha! I knew it!" Yes, thankyou Pierce. Why don't you do the final year?
Chapter 6: Introduction to Finality - Directed by Pierce Hawthorn
Ok, iS thIs hOW u do it/? n0?
Hello? Oh, so I talk, and Ay-bed will write it down. Ok… Final year. I'll do it like a list…
Sweet little Annie began to grow up. She was no longer the little girl I so cherished. Don't worry, you're still my favourite. She began to see the tiny nipple guy, before he… What did he do? Oh… You broke up. To numb the pain, she got high on… She got wacked out on… Dope? Whiff? Speed?
"Stress pills! And I wasn't numbing anything… Except for my headaches." Oh, now I remember. We visited her every week, except 'Mr Cool', but I'll get to Jeffery. Stress pills? Really? In my day… Sorry, I won't do another 'In my day…' We all know how that turned out. I'll say it anyway. I was just trying to impress the beautiful Mrs Bennett, by telling her a story of myself. Unfortunately, that Andre guy was in the room. I clasp my hands in pride at the memory, even though it wasn't actually that happy. He punched me. Welcome to stroke number 2!
Pierce laughs like a doddering fool as he reminisces -
Ay-bed, this is my memory thingy…
"Sorry." I'm still not convinced that he's not Al Kaida… What do you mean he was caught? Don't look at me like that. What about when a bomb threat was called into the school.
"Leonard." Jeff informs me; hands crossed over another of his 'presumably fashionable shirts'. Ok, then… Smart guy… What about that time… a plane crashed into the roof of the Dean's office?
What about -
Well, that's Ay-bed and Annie down.
"You never actually said anything about me. This year I went to a film festival, I got third place and since then, had each of you star in a short film, to both further your acting skills, and my directing skills." Ay-bed… "Furthermore, I began to go out with Annie, which was nice while it lasted, but it got tedious when she was in hospital, every time I went in there, the nurse took my keys… Once she refused to give them back."
"Abed, that was once of the patients." Annie! I'm trying to -
"That explains it." Hey! Do you want to do this memory thing or not? Thank Buddha they both nod. Speaking of Buddha, I became a pastor at my church's hive. I am now a level six laser lotus. Pretty cool, huh. Anyway, I got married early in the year, to a lovely woman in my Business for Dummies Class. I took it for an easy Credit. We're still going strong, and when we do fight, making up is all the sweeter. Quiet you honkies! There is nothing wrong with two people expressing physical love for each other.
Annie, Ay-bed, Me (Pierce), Winger, Brittles, Shirley, T-Bone.
"I told you not to call me that!" T-Bone it is then! What did you do in the final year…? Oh yeah, you ended up with a dance/drama major.
"Yeah, I even got the drancer award. Pretty cool, huh." Whatever he needs to say to protect his masculinity… He and Ay-bed got different apartments, Troy got a dorm on campus, wanting to be more… Independent. That's working fairly well. Sure he cries a lot, but he has a steady girlfriend and a roof over his head… No demanding father, telling him he has to run the company as soon as he leaves school.
"Pierce… I think you should calm down… I'll finish the year." Shirley pats Pierce on the Arm, as he wrestles with something inside of himself, much to everyone's dismay. "Abed, may I have the computer?"
"I like documenting." Abed looks at Shirley with his big, brown eyes, her own brown eyes narrow dangerously, and she growls at him,
"I said; hand over the computer, Abed." He does so, his voice remaining emotionless. "Ok! We were still doing Troy, right?" Shirley smiles, the aura of something scary evaporating and she turned nice again.
Chapter 7: Introduction to Finality Redux - DIrected by Shirley Bennett
Ok, so… I'll see how it goes. Troy, being the sweet boy that he is, holds a steady girlfriend, Randi, whom he dated in the first year. Though I don't approve, because she stole him from Annie, it's his choice. I am not going to stand in his way. I am very proud of him for finishing his degree. As proud as a mother can be… About a boy who's not her son… Well… This is an awkward silence.
Was that a good ending for Troy, Pierce? Oh, hell no! I want to finish this! So, me, Jeffery and Britta? Good.
Jeffery, I suppose. While he hasn't been in a serious relationship in a while, he will find the right person (I still think you should marry Britta).
"Shirley! May I remind you I am in a happy and committed relationship with a woman. Yes, folks, I Britta Perry, am open about my sexuality. That's another thing, after being with Jeff, I realised, he really was the best of my male experiences, (as sad as that may seem) but I know women who are at least ten times better than him! Paige included! If you really must know, during our final year, before she went to rehab, Annie and I experimented. And that's when I realised. Being with a woman made me feel strong. Can I do my own life?" Sure… Why not? "I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that thinly veiled sarcasm." Annie's fuming right now… Better let her have her way.
"Britta! That was supposed to be kept quiet! No-one else knew about our… Experiments!"
"Shut up, Abed. I'm talking. Ok. During the final year, I decided to take law, with Jeff, and you know what I realised? Not much. Apart from… Yeah… I'm done… Sorry. Shirley, please continue."
However so kind of you. So I guess that's you, done. I'll finish Jeff's… Unless he wants a say… I'm going to take that eye roll as a 'Shirley, please continue'. Ok, Jeff got his lawyer degree back. He's very happy. As I was saying, Jeffery should get into a committed relationship soon, but for now, I am very happy with how he turned out. Now he is giving me that eye roll that say 'You aren't my mom!' But I love you, Jeffery.
I guess that just leaves me. I now own a successful online business, after nearly going broke. I have expanded, and my third bakery is opening in Greendale as a favour to the Dean… It doesn't earn much, but he promised to take care of maintenance, so graffiti, fires and smoke damage are not my problem. Little Ben is turning two tomorrow, I expect everyone to come to the party, no theme… Just saying… Andre and I are looking into pre-schools, and we want a group photo, as something to remember by…
I'm going to miss you all… Really. Damn, I told myself I wouldn't cry, but now…
Wait a minute… I'm trying to wipe up some happy tears...
I love you, guys.
Chapter 8: Odds 101 - Directed by Troy Barnes
This is wrinkling my brain. Everyone's crying, but its happy crying, because we're all going to see each other at Shirley's. What if we all start to drift away? What if I never laugh at Pierce's dumb jokes? Or tell Shirley she's not my mom? Or talk to Abed? What will happen to us?
Isn't it weird, I'm the one having all the sad thoughts. Not Annie, who's usually so worried about everything. Not Britta, who's so cynical, but caring. Not Shirley, who loves everyone as much as a mother should…. Love people she's known for four years. Not Abed, who is a 'Student of human character'. But me.
We would stay in touch for a while, then Annie becomes a successful reporter, based in… New York or something. She would live in an upscale apartment building, but would hardly stay there, travelling around the world. In ten years’ time, she's the editor of the New York Times, and she's forgotten about us. Unless she sees Jeff in the paper, because he's defrauded the state or something…
Speaking of Jeff, he's going to get into a good law firm, reinstate his name, maybe become a criminal lawyer, those guys need all the help they can get, and if that dude can convince us that Chang is better than Rich, man that dude can make a case for Jack the Ripper. He's living in a penthouse, going to parties every night, classy stuff, very Jeff.
Britta and Paige would open an indie bookstore / coffee shop, which they would live above and Britta would be the barista, while Paige would take care of the three little corgi's they adopted, because Paige is allergic to cats. After ten years, the two of them adopt a baby girl. Their coffee shop would be supplied by Shirley's baking.
The bake store goes well, going all around America. Shirley becomes successful; the baking industry is really her element. As a cooking giant, she holds quite a bit of power, becomes world renowned for her awesome food, and is a regular talk show guest. She becomes good friends with, I dunno… Oprah, Ellen DeGeneres…. Something like that. Her kids go to classy colleges, and she smiles at them, wistfully remembering her college days.
In ten years, Pierce is with his fifteenth wife, and he finally has a kid of his own. He still runs Hawthorn Wipes, but he stays at home, becoming much more of a family man. This wife, she's a keeper. She and Pierce get along really well, and he's stopped being so… Pierce. Hard to think of it like that, but I imagine that's what happens.
Me? I become a world class football player, going to Australia, or something weird, to represent America. I think I'll have a fiancé, after I settle down, and in ten years, I'm at my peak, with a little baby girl and a gorgeous wife. My life seems pretty good, but there is a critical part missing.
He becomes a successful film director, the next… George Lucas, Steven Spielberg… And when he's out making 'Kickpuncher Meets Inspector Spacetime' the Movie, he's chatting up actresses, making a name for himself, three Oscars, an Emmy (for his soundtrack) and a Tony (he directed a Broadway show as a favour, not the highlight of his career) in ten years.
Will we even remember each other? I hope so. I dunno… But I really hope so.
Chapter 9: Advanced Wishful Thinking - Directed by Dean Craig Pelton
So this is what they were doing… Oh… Troy, that's sad… Now I'm crying. My mascara's going to run. No mention of me, except for Abed's. No-one cries in an outfit from the Sound of Music. No-one cries in a nun's outfit. I didn't cry when I was Singing 'So Long, Farewell', I didn't cry when Jeffery threatened to sue me (out of love, I'm sure) And I'm not going to cry now, damn it.
That's it. I want a happy future, so I'll give you guys one. Who to begin with? Abed.
He agrees to become the new head of the AV department, he gets a drink every week for free, and he is put in charge of most of the really expensive stuff… Like the fifty dollar camera we got with the government's money…! Tempting, right? Anyway, after about… Three years? Yeah, three, I offer Annie a place as my advisor / co-Dean.
She also become debate coach (the best one yet) and this school's standard is raised. After a year or so, Annie and Abed get married (like you guys didn't just go 'Awww'). I was a bridesmaid, (in the most gorgeous green dress and copper haired wig, how could I not be?), and it meant I got to dance with Jeffery Winger. Wow, I must have been the second happiest girl there… (You know, Annie's moment).
Jeffery, meanwhile, feels he has been morally obligated to help the school in legal issues. During the wedding, he finds out I have always cared for him, Jeffery, if you read this, I have always cared for you! Enough of that, I hope that Jeffery, at some point, needs a place to stay, because, I will let you have a dorm for free.
Ok, so, Pierce? He leaves us alone; lord knows how much he cost the scho- No. That was Leonard. Sorry, Pierce… But seriously, good luck in life. If you see Leonard, tell him to leave.
Shirley does become a cook, very successful, but she decides to remain as a home economics teacher as a side career. Eventually, her boys go to Greendale as well (good work, keepin' it in the family).
Troy stays on as a football scholar, Nationals! Woo! While broadening his horizons. Things are looking very good for him, and he meets a lovely woman, and he settles down to have… Two kids? (For names, I suggest Craig or Jeffery… Or Annie).
As for Britta, oh… Maybe she can work in Shirley's new café? Something like-
"Dean…? What are you doing?" Ooh! Dear! They're here!
"When did you get my laptop?"
"Abed! Oh, hi! I didn't see you there!" The group, in all its glory, approach the Dean as he leans over the desk and Abed's laptop. The Dean clears his throat before putting his hands together, as if in prayer, "Please! Please don't leave! I read how happy you were, these were my four favourite years as being Dean! You have to come back! Be in the Thanksgiving play, Jeff, there is even a costume in my office for you… Turkey King. But then I read the memory thingy, and Troy's outlook was so macabre, and… I love you guys."
"We love you too, Dean." Shirley coos, leading everyone in to hug the little, bald man. The dormant screen across the room flickers to life, and Annie is crying, weeping, head in her hands.
"You guys, I thought you left me!" This is the perfect segway for a second group hug, around the TV.
"You guys have to keep in contact!" The Dean snivelled, to which everyone nodded,
"Dean, I would love to run a home Ed class in my spare time, I can cook my products during my classes." She nodded, smiling through the tears that pooled in her eyes. Jeff cleared his throat,
"And… I'll always look out for Greendale, you know… Legally…" He swallowed the sob rising in his chest, and rubbed his stubble in an awkward gesture of conformation.
"I'll always spin the bad stories into good ones, you know that, Dean." Annie smiled weakly, and the Dean, overcome with a rush of emotions, broke down, crying and thanking everyone, though they couldn't hear him over his own sobbing.
"For now, we're going to go visit Annie. And we're going to throw these stupid hats in the air, and say good bye to Greendale." The smile on Jeff's face is forced, as he holds back tears, and they leave the Dean, who, between tears, is chocking out how much he loves everyone.
"Abed? You coming?" Troy asks his best friend, who smiles at him,
"Yeah, I'll just be a sec, go on." Pulling out the yellowing bucket list, he leans it against a wall, and pulls out a pen. "That's all fifty. Now… I'm Abed Nadir, and this has been The Greendale Seven, Four Years in Review. Thank you, and goodbye." He smiles at an imaginary camera, "It's just Abed, so goodbye~" He sings, following the group who pile into the KFC space bus together.
"Whoever suggested we buy this after the Dean won a free 'Pimp My Ride'… Best idea ever." Jeff smiles, a genuine smile, sitting in the bedazzled passenger seat as Britta steps on the wheel. Troy cries into Shirley's shoulder, as Abed takes upon the task of convincing Pierce this is their last trip to Greendale together, as they all leave to visit Annie.