KV: NTSB Investigator

by coldhope

Summary:

In which Karkat Vantas, representative of the National Transportation Safety Board, and the mysterious uu, representative of Her Majesty's Air Accident Investigation Branch, find themselves thrown together in the midst of an equally mysterious plane crash investigation.

Now with its very own askblog!

Chapter 1

WHY THE FUCK DOES ANY AIRLINE EVEN RUN THE DC-9 IN COUNTRIES WHERE IT IS LIKELY TO DEVELOP HARDCORE WING ICING ANYWAY. I MEAN.

PUTTING THE ENGINES WAY THE FUCK BACK THERE ON EITHER SIDE OF THE TAIL IS JUST ASKING FOR SHIT TO FALL OFF THE WINGS AND GET SUCKED IN. IT’S NOT LIKE THERE AREN’T A WHOLE BUNCH OF OTHER AIRCRAFT THEY COULD USE. THAT DON’T HAVE THAT FUCKING PROBLEM.

ALSO HAVING AN ENGINE INSIDE THE FUCKING VERTICAL STABILIZER ITSELF IS SUCH A SHITTY IDEA I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT MCDONNELL DOUGLAS WAS EVEN ATTEMPTING TO THINK WITH THE DC-10. SIOUX CITY WAS JUST FUCKING WAITING TO HAPPEN.

JESUS CRYSTALLIZING DICK I’M STARTING TO TALK IN SENTENCE FRAGMENTS. I’VE SPENT TOO LONG READING REPORTS BY THAT FUCKWIT FROM THE AIR ACCIDENT INVESTIGATION BRANCH WHOSE SHIFT KEY SEEMS MYSTERIOUSLY TO MALFUNCTION EACH TIME HE TYPES THE LETTER U.

~

WHAT. IS YOuR PROBLEM. WITH MCDONNELL DOuGLAS ANYWAY. THE DC SERIES HAS A FuCKING IMPRESSIVE SAFETY RECORD. I DON’T SEE YOu BITCHING AT BOEING ABOuT THAT WHOLE PCu VALVE ISSuE WITH THE 737.

THAT WASN’T BOEING, YOU DELIBERATELY OBTUSE FUCK. THAT WAS PARKER FUCKING HANNIFIN WHO MADE THE VALVE. AND IF YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT SAFETY RECORDS LET’S GO SEE HOW THE MD-80 DID, SHALL WE? OH! WAIT! LOOKS LIKE THE JACKSCREW ASSEMBLY WORKING THE HORIZONTAL STABILIZER KILLED A BUNCH OF PEOPLE!

NOW WHO’S BEING DELIBERATELY OBTuSE. THAT WAS A MAINTENANCE ISSuE. THE DESIGN ITSELF. WAS NOT AT FAuLT. YOu MIGHT AS WELL SAY THAT ALOHA WAS DuE TO FAuLTY DESIGN. INSTEAD OF THE FACT THAT THE AIRCRAFT WAS FuCKING ANCIENT. AND HAD SPENT ITS WORKING EXISTENCE IN A HIGHLY CORROSIVE ENVIRONMENT.

I FUCKING HATE IT WHEN YOU’RE RIGHT, YOU KNOW.

OF COuRSE I KNOW.

~

In a dark bar somewhere, in rumpled suits:

HEY. YOU’RE TOTALLY FUCKING WRONG ABOUT THE MD-80 BY THE WAY. SHIT WAS FLAWED FROM THE START.

OH, IT’S YOu. NICE TO SEE YOu TOO. WHAT THE FuCK ARE YOu ON ABOuT NOW.

I WENT BACK AND LOOKED IT UP. —LAPHROAIG, NO ICE, MAKE IT A DOUBLE. —FUCKING MCDONNELL DOUGLAS DIDN’T EVEN BOTHER TO DESIGN REDUNDANCY INTO THE LONGITUDINAL TRIM ACTUATOR SYSTEM IN THE FIRST PLACE. ONE JACKSCREW, ONE FUCKING NUT. THAT BREAKS, EVERYONE DIES.

NOT THIS AGAIN. JESuS FuCK, VANTAS. IT WAS A MAINTENANCE ISSuE.

YEAH, OKAY, IT WAS A MAINTENANCE ISSUE BUT THAT DOESN’T TAKE AWAY FROM THE FACT THAT THOSE FUCKING PLANES ARE STILL FLYING AROUND TODAY TWELVE YEARS LATER WITH THE SAME NON-FAILSAFE BULLSHIT STABILIZER DESIGN. RELYING ON AN AIRLINE’S FUCKING MAINTENANCE DIVISION TO MAKE SURE YOUR PLANE DOESN’T KILL PEOPLE IS A STRATEGY DOOMED TO FUCKING FAILURE. -THANKS.

WHAT ARE YOu EVEN DOING HERE. I HADN’T HEARD ABOuT ANY CRASHES uNDER NTSB JuRISDICTION LATELY. I’M STARTING TO THINK. THAT YOu JuST ENJOY MY COMPANY.

STOP CHANGING THE FUCKING SUBJECT AND ADMIT YOU’RE WRONG, JESUS CHRIST.

I THINK. THAT I TOuCHED A NERVE.

I FUCKING HATE YOU.

I KNOW. HEY. GET THE SHOuTY YANK ASSHOLE ANOTHER DRINK. HE’S MORE FuN WHEN HE’S uNINHIBITED.

OH NO YOU DON’T. —HEY, WHEN YOU GET A CHANCE, ANOTHER GROSS PINK TROPICAL WHATEVER THE BRIT JACKASS IS DRINKING, PUT IT ON MY TAB. TWO CAN PLAY AT THIS GAME, FUCKHEAD.

Later that night:

I STILL HATE YOU. ALSO AIRBUS. I AM NOT FOND OF AIRBUS INDUSTRIE FOR A NUMBER OF REASONS. BUT MOSTLY I HATE YOU.

SHuT uP. AND DO THAT THING AGAIN. WITH THE THING.

LOT OF METASYNTACTIC VARIABLES IN THAT SENTENCE. YOU’RE STILL TOO COHERENT, THOUGH, I HAVE TO FIX THAT.

YOu SAY. THE STuPIDEST THINGS. I

HNNNNNNNG

THAT’S FUCKING BETTER.