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You are not a good person.
You know this.
You've made so many mistakes, it should be common knowledge. You doubt there's anyone on this chunk of flying space rock that doesn't know what a complete and total fuckup you are. You don't deserve to be forgiven. You don't deserve friends, and you most certainly don't deserve Kanaya Maryam.
You weren't expecting her to agree. It was an unjustified and stupid shot in the dark. Why would she ever willingly sign on to put up with your bullshit? Past Karkat was ruing the day he would become you. Future Karkat was berating you every chance he got, for things you hadn't even done yet. It was reassuring to know you'd still be screwing everyone over in the future.
"I think it would be nice to be your moirail."
That was actually what she said. You don't think you could have prepared for what hearing those words coming from her did to you. You'd never really felt elated before. An invisible lump caught in your protein chute and left you incapable of speech. You were 99% sure you were doing a stellar impression of Gamzee then, just staring dumbly at a certain point, uncomprehending - at Kanaya's shoulder, and dammit if she wasn't standing there smiling and being really pretty, and something that definitely wasn't pale pity curled in your digestive sac.
It was awkward as fuck at first. The two of you just kind of stumbled around eachother, unsure of how to act. You were convinced that she was realizing that agreeing had been a terrible mistake on her part, but then she would say something like "You don't have to sit over there alone, why don't you join me?" and your hopes that the two of you could work rocketed ridiculously high for a moment.
You want it to work. You like her. Alot.
Knowing that you have her close at hand is reassuring. Sometimes, when the two of you are alone, she tells you things she'd never normally admit to thinking. "You know," she says one time, looking up from a book she was reading, "You smell different to the others. They have unique scents, but they all smell of salt and rust somewhat. There's none of that in you."
There's a heavy pause, because you know she's referring to blood. A part of you squirms uncomfortably, before you remember that Kanaya can already smell your blood. She has known for quite some time what you desperately fought to keep hidden. "Really?" you ask instead. Her answering hum is barely audible, even in the silence of her respiteblock.
"It's pleasant," she offers, before laying her head on your shoulder. You don't flinch away. You let her. You enjoy Kanaya's company far too much. But you guess that's ok.
Kanaya had a way of making you feel like maybe you weren't useless at everything after all.