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Is it love? Or do I hate you?

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Five years ago. A warm Saturday morning in the spring. My left leg was outside the cover, the right tucked in nicely. The cover was sprained loosely over my body and only covered to my mid chest. With a lazy yawn I stretched and rubbed my eyes, I felt the crust and rest of sleep loosen under my fingertips before I dusted it onto the pillow without a care. I opened my eyes and turned my head just enough to look at my window. I looked through the small crack between the curtains and I saw the mist hanging heavily over the garden, just like sleep had fogged my mind.

 

I stretched once more and my cover slid down my body. It caused friction to a problem I urgently became very aware of. I placed my arm over my eyes while my other hand travelled downwards. Down to where it came in contact with the damp material of my boxers. I was rock-hard. Painfully hard. I wonder what I dreamt of that could create such a problem.

I lifted my hips off of the mattress and pulled my boxers down so they were placed on my mid-thighs. I wrapped my strong fingers around my heated flesh, bit my lip to stay quiet. I closed my eyes, willing my mind to return to the blissful state I was in before I woke up.
My head tilted back against my pillow, my teeth biting harder into the soft skin making my lower lip as my hand started to stroke my cock.

Small grunts of pleasure left my lips with every other stroke. I was incredibly close considering I just woke up.

Focusing on returning to my dream I forced my mind backwards. A silhouette formed on my eyelids, slowly getting less blurry and more defined. I saw my owns features appear, except, my hair color was wrong. It was his. I was pounding into my own twin brother. I was dreaming of him.

"Ahhh!” Just as I thought his name I came the hardest I had ever done before. And I only stroked myself. I didn't do anything of what I usually need to do of twisting, pressing, thumbing etc to release. I panted heavily and I slowly opened my eyes and started at the ceiling. What was going on? I just came undone to the thought of my twin brother. I sighed deeply, disgusted with myself. But only half as disgusted as I was by the sticky substance between my fingers as well as on my bed sheets and abdomen. I released my slowly softening member and dried my hans in the bed sheets. I would have to clean them later anyways, they were already dirtied. Not only physically with cum, but they also witnessed the most sinful act I as a human could do. Maybe I should burn them for a good measure?
I threw the cover to the side and I sat up; only to he met by a pair of very judgmental eyes.
He couldn't know. Could he?

Now that I think of it, I did moan his name when I released. He must have heard. Shit. And the boxers down my thighs and cum-covered fingers didn't make the situation any better. I was disgusting. I was disgusted by myself. I wonder how he had reacted when he heard me moan his name? He will never speak to me again.

"I-I uh.."

"Shut up!" He growled. I closed my mouth instantly. What was he going to do? I could only hope for the worst. I deserved it. Every little bit of it.

I pulled my boxers up and covered my naked privates, picked up the bed sheets, pulled it off the cover and held it in my arms. I walked towards him. Only passing him. I couldn't look at him, I had sinned and he knew it, I couldn't just act like nothing. Bowing my head a silent apology, I passed him. I headed straight to the bathroom and started the washing machine with my boxers and bed sheets. I turned on the shower, first ice cold. I cleaned myself with scrub and loofa until my freezing blue skin was red as a pig, I turned on the heat to max, scolding my cooled skin, leaving it flaming red and painful. Perfect.

I exited the shower and looked into the mirror. I looked like a monstrosity. Just what I was. I looked into my eyes, searching my soul for any reason of this sickness. I found none. Maybe I was always sick so my eyes and soul didn't change? If that's so, my brother will hate me even more. I was such a disgrace to our otherwise perfect family.

My dad was working. He had a job that paid well and he was always home by dinner. He left late for work so he always brought us to school on his way.

My mom is staying at home. She likes painting a lot, so that's what she is doing when she isn't putting the house in order. Both me and my brother got straight Aes in school, and we had a great social life with friends we shared as well as out individual social group. All on all we seemed to be a perfect family.

I sighed heavily at my own reflection. I grabbed my towel and draped it over my head. I couldn't look at myself any longer.

I dried my hair whilst thinking of my brother. I would need to explain this to him sooner or later. For now I chose later. I need to think about this myself first.

I got dried and dressed before I went downstairs. I assumed he wanted to wake me up for breakfast. As assumed my mom placed the basket with bread on the table just as I stepped inside and smiled at her. It was fake and it almost hurt to do. I saw him looking at me, of possible even more disgusted than before. My smile faltered when my eyes locked with his. I instantly looked down. The disgusting guilt. It was eating me up.

Our mother called for us to sit down and eat. The breakfast was oddly silent and of course our mother noticed.

"Youngmin? Kwangmin? Is there something wrong?" She asked concerned. Both me and him said nothing was wrong. Luckily. I can only imagine if he had said. 'Nothing else than I went to wake him up and I found him moaning my name with semen splattered all over himself.' What a way to wake up.

After the abnormally silent breakfast I cleaned the table as usual and headed for my room. I needed to sort out my thoughts completely before I talk to him.

Why did I think and dream of my own brother that way? How did I even dare? I sat on my bed with my legs crossed, my elbows on my knees and my chin in my palms. A heavy sigh left my lips as I thought back to the dream. How he had seduced me.

We had been watching TV when he had straddled me. There wasn't really anything new about that. We could be watching movies like that all the time, or he would rest his head in my lap. We always were close like that. The big difference were however he never faced me, he always had his back against my chest, not like I dreamt he did. He rested his head on my shoulder and gave me hug like never before. His arms draped over my shoulders in a sensual way. His fingers traced beautiful patterns on my shoulder blades. The hug so light his breath ghosted over the sensitive skin on my neck and sent shivers down my spine. I hugged him back and nuzzled my face into his neck. His breath hitched and he moved closer to me. It didn't bother me though. I had a crush on one of our classmates. That it was a girl is an important detail. I wasn't gay. He kissed my neck. Softly at first, and only a peck. I furrowed my brows but didn't question him or push him away. A peck to the neck wasn't bad. Was it?

 

The peck escalated. He started to kiss me properly. His lips against the soft skin on my neck. He scooted forward on my thighs. His lips were replaced by his tongue, which was replaced by his teeth. He sucked, licked and bit into my neck drawing small moans after mewls out of me. I couldn't control myself. One last scoot and he was as close as I could have him without doing anything. I placed my hands on his ass and pulled him forward so he was pressed flush against my front. He rolled his hips. I don't know if it was to fix his pants or something, all I noticed was the friction it caused between our members. A beautiful friction. For the first time he moaned. A soft and angelic sound with a rough edge to it, sending vibrations through my neck.

Well you get my point. Everything escalated from there and it ended up with me fucking my beloved twin.

I went through the dream in my head again. I thought of my morning. Of him seeing me masturbate while moaning his name. What could I possibly tell him that made this acceptable? There wasn't really anything. I sighed heavily and laid back onto the bed and closed my eyes. Maybe I thought better that way? I was willing to try everything.

I didn't get to any solutions. Instead I ran through the dream once again. Stupid decision. This time I actually grew hard again. I slid my hand into my pants and gently pulled by cock, hoping the hardness would go away, but no. It had to be worked out of my body. How I hated this.

I sighed heavily as I wrapped my entire hand around my hard cock for the second time that day. I bit into my lower lip once again to silence myself. I was too caught up in going through the dream again, to imagine his tightness around my full arousal to notice my door was opened. A low moan escaped my lips.

"Thinking of me again are you?" My twin startled me. I shot up in a sitting position on the bed and removed my hand from my pants. Unfortunately my problem was very obvious. I saw his eyes flickered down to take a look before his face scrunched up in disgust.

"Care to tell me what's going on?" He asked and looked me in the eyes. I could feel his burning gaze into the very core of my soul, but I couldn't look back. I was too ashamed of myself to look at him anymore. I was too disgusted with myself and I didn't need another look at his disgusted face to underline exactly what kind of monster I was.

"I-I... Listen. This is the first time this has ever happened okay? This was the first time for to think of you that way. I know you think I'm disgusting. There is no need to tell me again. I already hate myself more than enough for this without your help." I said while looking at the mattress between my legs.

"Tell me what you dreamt." He ordered. I shot my head up and looked at him in disbelief. He couldn't be curious could he?

"I-I..." I started but he cut me off with determined, disgusted and angry eyes.

"Tell me." He ordered once again and I took a deep breath to prepare myself for the humiliation.

"I was watching TV. You came and straddled me. Not like you usually did. But you faced me. You pecked my neck..." I felt his lips on my neck and his ass on my thighs.

"Like this?" He asked and looked into my eyes.

"Y-yeah. A-and then you scooted forward on my thighs slowly until you were almost there. Your pecks had turned into sucks, licks and occasional bites." I explained and he followed the actions I described. I grabbed his ass and pulled him closer to me. So close our cocks rubbed together. Much to my disappointment I was the only one of us who was hard.

"And then?" He breathed into my ear.

"I-I removed your shirt." I said and let my hands wander up underneath the fabric of his t-shirt. His soft and flawless skin was burning underneath my fingertips. He took a sharp intake of breath. I used that moment to lift the shirt off of his body. I leaned back and admired his chest. Just like in the dream. It was like he had read my mind, he wrapped his fingers into my hair and pulled me close. I puckered my lips and wrapped them around his nipple and started to suck hungrily. He mewled softly above me, his fingers combing through my hair. He was panting and his hips made occasional rolls against mine, but he was never hard.

"What now?" He asked breathlessly between pants and looked down at me with dark eyes.

"We kiss." I said and connected out lips together in a perfect fit. It wasn't for fun they said that twins were each others' other half. We were a perfect fit. It wasn't a hard or hungry kiss. It was barely lips brushing against each other. It felt good nonetheless. I leaned up to capture his lips again. A tension had built between us, a tension that made both of us restrain ourselves so our lips only touched. It wasn't really a kiss as they only graced each other.

"You fucking disgusting fuck!" He pushed me back, got up from my lap, dashed out of the room, slamming the door behind him, leaving me completely dumbfounded.

"This wasn't a part of the dream." I mumbled to myself before I flopped back onto the bed and sighed heavily. I had no idea about what had just happened or why he did it.

 

I was still laying on my bed. I was still thinking. He had just left me like that. A raging boner in my pants and my hormones on the high drive. He was driving me insane. And it only just started today. I sighed and rubbed my face in disgust, frustration and self pity. My brother had just become the definition of evil in my head.

For the second time that day I started to finish myself to the thought of my brother using my hand. I used my hand eagerly, the dream and now the true feeling of having him like that. It had felt amazing, yet I was still disgusted by myself. How could I even allow him to it to me. How could he make himself do it? Wasn't he disgusted by himself? No. He was disgusted by me.

I rolled off my bed and headed to the bathroom still in orgasmic bliss. I cleaned my hand and I changed my underwear. Before I left I glanced into the mirror and studied my features. They were so like his. Was it a sign that I was in love with my self and not him? Maybe it wasn't even me on top of him? It could have been anyone. Nonsense. It was me. As disgusting as it was I would have to accept it. Or I should kill myself? I am only a disappointment to our family. Not only am I apparently gay, but I am gay for my own twin brother.

I left the bathroom, the disgust was eating me up. I walked to the kitchen to get some water. My mother was there already preparing delicious lunch. But my appetite was gone.

"Hi sweetie. What are you doing down here? Your brother is upstairs. Why don't you spend time with him?" She asked me when I flopped down on the couch, mindlessly sipping the water I had just gotten.

"I don't really feel like spending time with him today. And I think the feeling is mutual." I sighed and placed the glass down on the table. It took her around five seconds to drop everything in her hands until she sat on the couch next to me and the disgusting me in her arms in a warming hug. Unfortunately the hug was misplaced. She shouldn't waste a hug on me.

"Did you guys fight?" She asked worriedly as she ran her hand over my arm comfortingly.

"No. And just leave me alone. I don't deserve this. I am disgusting enough. I don't want to taint you too." I snapped at her. She didn't deserve it no. But I deserved her love much less. I squirmed out of her arms and made a dash for the stairs and sprinted into my room. I heard her footsteps come closer but luckily she went into his room instead. I sat down my desk and looked at an old picture of our family. The picture of a seemingly perfect family. I took it out of the old frame and placed the picture on the table. I found a lighter in the drawer and lit the side with me in it. Slowly I burned away. Once I was completely out of the picture I killed the flame and placed the picture back in the frame. I didn't deserve to be there next to the others.

I had sat in my room for 30 minutes when I decided I needed to go out somewhere. Anywhere. I just needed to go out. I picked up my jacket from my chair and went downstairs. My mother still hadn't returned from his room. I wonder what they were talking about. I wore my shoes when I heard footsteps on the stairs.

"Minnie! Wait for me." My brother called. He could even call me by our shared nickname. Instead of calling us individually our friends called us Minnies or Mins. We had adopted it to call for each other as well. He hurried to my side and wore his shoes and grabbed a random jacket from the hangers. Silently we left the house and walked randomly around the streets.

"Minnie? I really have to apologize for my behavior earlier. It's just..." He started to apologize. But he wasn't the one who was supposed to apologize for this. Not at all.

"No. I am the one to apologize. I can only imagine how disgusted you must be with me. I really hate myself for having these thoughts, for thinking like this, for the dream, for not pushing you away earlier. I am truly sorry." I apologized to him. I couldn't look at him. No matter what, I couldn't make myself do it. I didn't deserve to look at him and taint him. He didn't reply to it. Why should he?

We walked side by side in silence until we reached a park. We entered in silent agreement. Together we headed for the playground situated in the middle of the area. The swings were free so we took one each. We just sat there and rocked back and forth while looking at each other. We both had a foot on the ground and we just sat there in awkward silence.

"Why do you think of me that way?" He suddenly asked me. He surely was curious about my miseries. What should I tell him? It wasn't like I had had a lot of time to consider it in. I shrugged slowly and he shook his head dismissively.

"What are you thinking when you, you know? What makes you aroused? Why me?" He asked curiously. I understood his curiosity, but it was like he was obsessed with knowing the answers. I guess he could use the answers to get a hold of the girl he likes in the grade above us. I felt a pang of jealousy in my chest and took a deep breath.

"You look handsome, you are very nice to me. You treat everyone nicely. Your face when you are aroused. At least what you look like in my dream was extremely hot. I don't even know why I tell you this. It is disgusting." I sighed and stopped my rambling.

He reached over and placed a hand on my shoulder. I looked up only to see a pair of comforting eyes. Not him too. I shot up from the swing and sprinted out of the park. I didn't look back. I didn't want to see if he followed me or not. I didn't deserve his comfort. I couldn't take it.

I sprinted home, slammed the door open, kicked off my shoes and hurried upstairs. I ran into the bathroom, rummaged the drawers for anything. I found a lighter to light the scented candles in the window. Leaning back against the tiled wall I lifted the shirt and bared my stomach. I flicked on the lighter. I bit my lower lip and held my breath. The next breath I took smelled like burnt flesh and his shampoo.

I hissed loudly in pain. The stench from my burned flesh ripped in the inside of my nose. It hurt so badly. I refused to stop. I deserved this pain. I closed my eyes and bit into my lip again. This time I aimed lower. I could feel how the heat from the flame started to melt, curl and burn my pubic hairs. I took one last deep breath to the smell of burned hair and burned myself just above the base of my cock. I cried out in pain. The door slammed opened and revealed my messy brother, panting like he had ran a marathon.

 

"You stupid fool!" He shouted at me before he picked me up and kicked the lighter under the bathtub. I didn't care about the pain anymore. The fact that my brother still cared about me after all I had told him, made him do. It made me feel even worse. I reached into my pants and below my boxers. On purpose I placed my lower arm on top of the burned patch of skin before I dug my long nails into the sensitive skin on my inner thighs. I screamed out in pain once more. This time he removed my hand from my pants and carried me into my room.

He placed me on the bed gently before he stood up and looked at me. Disapproval was obvious in his dark orbs.

"Why would you do that?" He asked with worry in his voice. I couldn't look at him. I didn't deserve his care, worry or love.

"I just felt like it." I said and I heard him snort.

"You don't just go burn your stomach or your dick because you felt like it." He sighed.

"But there is no other reason." I mumbled and looked out my window instead of looking at him.

"Stop lying. I am sure you feel disappointed in yourself. You hate yourself. You are disgusted by yourself. You truly believe I am disgusted by you too. You don't think you are worthy of love or pity. You just want to be gone from this world." He said. With every statement he made I winched. It was hurting me how right he was. Everything was right to the center. Spot on.

"You don't have to say anything. Just nod or shake your head to show if I am right." He said softly as he brushed a hair out of my face. I didn't trust my voice so I nodded instead. I felt disgusting tears come to my eyes. How could he touch me? I would taint him like that. I couldn't let that happened. I turned my face away from him in desperation.

"Don't touch me. I am disgusting. I am a disease." I croaked out. He quickly removed his hand from me. I knew it. He found me disgusting.

"You're right. You are disgusting. A disease even. You are one big disgrace to this family!" He spat the words like venom, turned on his heels and left my room with a slam of the door. I heard it. My own brother finally told me what he thought about me. It hurt like hell, but it was deserved. There was no lie in what he said.

I rolled onto my side and stared at the closed door. The tears streamed down my cheeks. I sobbed heavily and blinked rapidly to get rid of my tears. But they wouldn't stop.

I cried. I cried for hours. My mother called me down for lunch, but I wouldn't have it. I didn't deserve to eat from their kitchen. Much less food formed by her glorious and innocent hands. My stomach grumbled, but I ignored it.

When I finally stopped crying, no one had been there to see me or check on me. I am sure he had told our parents about the disgrace I was and they didn't want anything to do with me anymore. I stood up and walked to my closet.

I opened the top drawer and took out a belt. I was going to need this. I tied it around my waist, grabbed a bag and stuffed my notebook into it together with a pen. I stood up and left the room, taking one last look at it.

I left the house unnoticed and headed straight to the park where I had been with my twin earlier. I had confessed my sin here. I could do it again. I sat down on the swing and took out my notebook. I wrote the date in the top right corner and started to write:

Dear Mom and Dad,
and most importantly my beloved twin.

I am sorry I couldn't say this to you.
I feel too disgusted with myself to even be in the same house as you.
I don't deserve your love.

I am sure my other half has already told you what is going on, so I will make it short.
I am in love with him.
Not only as a brother.
I am gay.
I am gay for him.
And it disgusts me to no end.
I will see you three on the other side.
Please forgive me for my sin.

Love from
The bad half of your sons.

I stuck the note through my belt. I got off from the swing and started walking. I stopped by a tree. It was tall enough. I climbed up, took off my belt and tied it to a branch. I sat down next to it and mentally prepared myself. After thinking the last disgusting thoughts about myself I leaned backwards.

I fell.