You push away from your desk and the chair rolls back a bit. A smile is on your face as your latest story, a oneshot of sorts, runs through your mind. “John, are you coming to dinner or not?” your dad calls. You’re almost tempted to say ‘not’. Instead, you let him know you’ll be down in a sec.
Your name is John Egbert, and you’re a bit of a fanfiction writer. As perfect as your favorite movies are, you can’t help but wonder ‘what if’ sometimes. Also, you do a bit of shipping. However, sometimes you write stories just for you, like fanfiction based on life. You tell stories, answering your ‘what if’ questions and um...do a bit of...shipping.
Many of those stories tend to star you and a certain best bro of yours. T-they’re not like some of those rated M fics you’ve read! Haha, no. You love fluff, like that scene from Con Air where Nic Cage’s character is reunited with his wife and daughter. You swear you got diabetes from that. So fluffy.
In fact, that’s kind of what your last story was based on. In it, Dave had a crush on YOU! And you were totally ignorant, just chilling by a tree. Do you know what he did? He sang the Con Air theme song. He gave you a bunny, named the tree Casey, and KISSED YOU!
You walk down the stairs, absolutely certain you’re about to puke rainbows or something. When you reach the dining room, you’re surprised to find a certain blond haired, shades sporting boy tapping a beat out on the table with a spoon.
“Hey Dave!” you greet with a smile.
“I invited him over for dinner!” your dad informs you as he sets a steaming dish of lasagna on the table. He’s always eager to cook for company. You bet he even made a cake.
You shudder as you sit down across from Dave. It’ll no doubt be made from Betty Crocker brand cake mix. Doesn’t your father realized there are other, less unbearably evil brands of cake mix? Come on, even Publix brand is better than this! With a sigh, you begin to serve yourself some lasagna.
Dinner’s finally over. Dave and your dad had scarfed down that cake like no tomorrow, while you just played with you fork and drank some juice. You couldn’t help but think you might eat some Demon Crocker cake if Dave was the one feeding it to you. You also couldn’t help the quickly following story ideas. Now, however, you have a more important matter to address. You excuse yourself from the table and make your way to the bathrooms.
Your name is Dave Strider and you can’t believe what you’re reading. In fact, this shit’s even less believable than Criss fucking Angel walking on pool water like he thinks he’s fucking Jesus or something.
After John left to go to the bathroom, you did the sensible thing. That is, you went up to his room to snoop around his shit. First thing you saw was his computer sitting there like it’s all good. Shit was practically screaming at you like “Get your ass over here and snoop through Egbert’s shit!” So you did.
After clicking a few things on his desktop, you came across a word document labeled “How Do I Live Without You.”
You tightly clutch the stupid rabbit as you spot John.
What is this?
This is stupid. Your name is Dave Strider and you're about to do something really uncool and stupid.
Wait what? Why are you in this and why the hell would you do something uncool and stupid? You’re cooler than cool! You’re ice cold! When André in Outkast asks, “What’s cooler than cool?” all the dudes are like: “DAVE STRIDER!” And then they fuck up the whole song ‘cause that’s too many fucking syllables.
You adjust your shades, try to hide your growing blush, and swallow.
Oh god, what is this shit? Now you’re blushing? You continued scanning the page, when all of a sudden-OH FUCK NO. Is that what you think it is? Shitty lyrics to a shitty song from a certain shitty movie? And you, shitty-story you, is apparently singing this shit!
You continued on reading this shit until...
"A-are...Dave Strider, are you asking me out?"
W-what...? Shitty-story you then proceeded to confirm this, name a fucking tree Casey and- NOW YOU’RE KISSING EGBERT!?
Snapping out of that shitty flashback, you’re staring at the screen in disbelief. This has gotta be some weird ironic shit. You and Egbert make jokes like this all the time. But...this is...weird...like Egbert actually likes you or something...What if he does?
You hurriedly shake your head. This is obviously a joke! John was never good at ironic humor. You’re gonna tell him about his shitty joke, you guys will laugh, and-
“Dave! W-what the fuck are you doing!?”
You spin around quickly, and speak of the devil, there’s John at the doorway. From the look of his face and the hint of panic in his voice, you begin to doubt it was just a joke.
John’s eyes dart from you to the screen and the look of horror on his face grows as his face gradually grows redder and redder. You somehow manage to keep your voice cool and nonchalant as you respond, “Not much,” even though there appears to be a whole fuckload of much going on.
He’s practically shaking now. It really hit you that John might seriously have legit feeling for you. Fuck.
Your name is John Egbert, and your best friend just read the short love story you’d written about the two of you. You’re close to tears, and you can’t even tell what he’s thinking. ‘Not much’ he says, like there’s seriously nothing going on. What? Did he think it was just a joke? ...You guys do say stuff like that all the time...er, kinda. Trying to hopefully pass it off as such, you let out an awkward laugh and say, “Just kidding! It was a good joke though, right?” Shit, he’s so not buying it. He’s standing up and coming right up to you! Fuck fuck fuck!
“Are you serious?”
You can’t take in anymore. You burst into tears and shakily confess that yeah, you’re kind of seriously crushing on your best friend. You’re sure he hates you now. He’s going to tell you he never wants to see you again. Dave however does the unthinkable. He leans over and kisses you.
Your eyes fly open and then slide shut as you kiss him back.
“Do you boys-Oh! I-I’m sorry!”
Your father quickly leaves the room, and you and Dave break apart. You’re both red in the face. A big awkward smile is stuck on your face, and you’re not sure, but you might’ve seen a small smirk on Dave’s.
It’s been weeks since you and Dave kissed. You’re still not sure about your relationship. The two of you haven’t talked about the kiss, but he doesn’t seem to mind your stories. All he really said was “I’m not singing that shitty song.” Your dad hasn’t said anything either, even though he’s looked like he was about to a few times. You’re glad he hasn’t. You’d like to at least know what exactly’s going on between you and Dave before he confronts you about it.
You save the document you’ve been writing and title it “I can’t believe he read it...and liked it.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa! I never said I liked it.” Dave pipes up, his head resting on your shoulder as he leans over behind you and reads the screen.
You laugh, “Fine!” and delete the last part. Closing Microsoft Word, you spin around in your chair to face Dave. There’s something you need to know.
“Are we going out?”
Dave stands up straight, having recovered from suddenly being thrown off your shoulder.
“Yeah, sure. Sounds cool.”
You give him your biggest, dorkiest smiles as you look up at him. He leans over, places a hand on the arm rests on either side of you and kisses you.
Your glasses clash together awkwardly and the chair rolls back a bit, bumping into your desk, but you don’t care. You reach up and wrap your arms around his neck.
Your dad quickly shuts the door again and you can’t help but laugh as you and Dave quickly break apart.
“Is this shit going to happen every time we do that, ‘cause if it does, we’re gonna have to o to my place to make out and shit.”
You giggle and pull him back towards you.
Your name is Dave Strider and you’re now dating your best friend.