The Very Avenger Diaries: Clint Barton

by SanguineParadox, vampirekilmer

Summary:

In the vein of "Bridget Jones' Diary", and "The Very Secret Diaries of the Fellowship" comes:
"The Very Avenger Diaries".

In the second installment of The Very Avenger's Diaries; Crikey! Look what we have here, roight in his natural habitat! This is an Americanus Falconus, also known as a Hawkeye! Notice the subdued black plummage with bright accents of purple to attract potential mates! You see that there? This is part of his daily workout routine that he performs to maintain peak physical prowess; in particular note the amount of time and effort spent on exercising his gluteus maximus!

Notes:

There was Bridget Jones' Diary, and then Cassandra Claire wrote "The Very Secret Diaries of the Fellowship". And we realized that there was a shocking lack of Avenger diaries.

This is pure parody, we make no claims or copyright infringement; if they were ours there would be no shirts. At all. Ever.
Please avoid consuming beverages while reading, avoid direct sunlight, and remember that management takes no responsibilities for injuries.

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Day One:
Went to S.H.I.E.L.D. meeting. Was sexiest person there. Agreed to follow Agent Coulson to the ends of the earth and back. Very important mission - protecting ancient sledge hammer.

Day Four:
New Mexico way too flat; Coulson got me a crane for a nest. Scientist’s sexy assistant attempted to lure me down with PopTarts, but I’m on Atkins so no carbs.
Am definitely sexiest member of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Day Six:
Way too cramped in this nest to do lunges, kinda afraid I’m losing muscle tone.
These scientists are so flabby.
Still the sexiest.

Day Ten:
Surfer dude broke into super secret base to cry in the rain over the sledge hammer; still haven’t gotten to shoot anybody.
In other news, I think I am developing a sprained glute. V. serious, will impair lunges and lead to flat-ass syndrome. Seem to have hit a plateau with bulking up; maybe more protein shakes?

Day Eleven:
In New York now, and I think Captain America may be sexier than me. Phil keeps making googly eyes at him.
Also, am quite sure the guy stole my workout routine. NO ONE else on base does as many lunges and squats as I do. At least I don’t look like Mad Men extra.

Day 30:
All these stakeouts are hell on my workout routine.
Tony obviously starting to get the hots for Captain A. Phil will kill him if he tries anything.
Not sure I’m still the sexiest.

Day 33:
Target acquired.

Day 35:

Phil dead, beginning mourning workout protocol.
Stark off to lab with Banner. Tiny geeky little men doing experiments, rather cute really.
Am quite sure that Natasha fancies me. So unfair. She is athletic and bendy, so can see advantages there, but the history of killing previous romantic attachments most off putting. Forsee dark times ahead, very dark times.

Series this work belongs to:

• « Part 2 of the The Very Avenger Diaries series