Work Text:
Arthur: Alright Skipper, it’s your go.
Martin: Okay…how about, I’ve never been in a bar fight on New Year’s Eve. Come on, Douglas, you know you have.
Douglas: And have you ever actually been in a fight? Of the bar persuasion or otherwise?
Martin: Yes, I have…Once with…well…it was in…primary school. What? Arthur, really?
Arthur: Actually, I think it was New Year’s Day Morning, does that still count?
Martin: But you…Arthur, you?
Douglas: I think what our good Captain is so eloquently trying to convey, is…Arthur, YOU?
Arthur: Oh yeah, but it was okay. It was after midnight, so we didn’t miss the New Year.
Martin: That’s not—
Douglas: Because had you been fighting at midnight, you would have missed the entire new year.
Arthur: It’s your turn, Douglas.
Douglas: Goody. Here shall be my hat tip to Martin. I’ve never ended a relationship with a woman before we even got together.
Martin: How is that a hat tip to me?
Douglas: Oh, let me think…
Arthur: …
Martin: …
Douglas: …
Martin: For goodness sake!
Douglas: Sorry, Martin, it takes a while to catalogue just how many failed relationships you’ve never had. And I’m only taking into consideration the ones I’ve witnessed. Now, put your finger down.
Martin: Fine. Arthur, go.
Arthur: Okay! …
Martin: …
Douglas: …Whenever you’re ready. We have absolutely nothing better to do right now.
Arthur: Sorry, I’m just thinking.
Douglas: Which is such a difficult task for you, I know.
Arthur: Ooo! I got one!
Douglas: Do tell, the suspense is killing me.
Arthur: I’ve never kissed a bloke before.
Martin: That actually is a pretty good one—wait, why did you put your finger down?
Arthur: Because I couldn’t think of anything I haven’t done, so I just said something that I have done.
Martin: Arthur, that isn’t the point of the game.
Douglas: Isn’t the more pressing question at the moment, “Arthur, why were you kissing a bloke, I thought you were straight”?
Martin: Not really. You put your finger down too.
Douglas: And you can honestly say that my kissing another man is more questionable than Arthur?
Martin: I’m more astounded by the fact that I’m actually winning.
Douglas: I suppose the only game you could win is “I never,” the ultimate goal of which is to never have done anything with your life.
Arthur: Your turn, Skip.
Martin: I’ve never…um…Oh! Douglas, I’ve never stolen from my place of employment.
Douglas: Really? Never once? You ought to try it sometime.
Martin: Arthur?
Arthur: Oh wait, no. Sorry, I forgot the rules. When do you put a finger down?
Martin: When you have done what the other person says they haven’t done.
Arthur: Oh…okay, no, I’ve never done that.
Martin: Good, that makes it Douglas—
Arthur: Unless you count the time drank the last of Mum’s orange juice and didn’t tell her about it. I just threw out the container so she wouldn’t know.
Martin: Why would that count?
Arthur: Because Mum’s my employer.
Martin: It’s orange juice, Arthur. That’s not exactly—
Douglas: Okay, my turn… I’ve never kissed my cousin.
Martin: …
Arthur: …
Douglas: What, really? I thought for sure I’d get one of you with that.
Arthur: Wait, is a third cousin still a cousin?
Martin: You kissed your third cousin?
Arthur: No, I don’t have one.
Martin: Then what does it matter?
Arthur: I just wanted to clarify in case it change your answer, Skip.
Martin: No, I’ve never kissed a cousin, first, second or third! Arthur, it’s your turn.
Arthur: Have you ever kissed anyone?
Martin: God, that is none of your business. Or yours, Douglas, so get that look off of your face.
Douglas: I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Martin: You know exactly what I’m talking about. That look when your eyebrows do that wiggly thing—like they just did right now! Arthur, did you see it?
Arthur: OH! I’ve never been eaten by a Jabberwocky.
Martin: …
Douglas: …
Arthur: Oh no, you know what? I was supposed to meet Mum at quarter past. I gotta go. It was brilliant playing. Bye!
Douglas: Oh and I was so looking forward to seeing if you put your finger down for that one, Martin.
Martin: Ha ha, very funny.
Douglas: …
Martin: …
Douglas: Okay, I’m bored again.
Martin: We won’t take off for another hour at least.
Douglas: Goody…
Martin: How about song titles that sound funnier with one word replaced by pants?
Douglas: I’m not really feeling the word games today, Captain.
Martin: Oh, then…no, I’ve got nothing.
Douglas: Well, I have something. A question.
Martin: Okay, I might have an answer.
Douglas: Have you ever kissed anyone?
Martin: …
Douglas: You really haven’t, have you?
Martin: That’s none of your business. Drop it.
Douglas: I wasn’t going to—
Martin: Just drop it. That’s an order.
Douglas: …
Martin: Or you know what, just go ahead.
Douglas: What?
Martin: Just go ahead and laugh, poke your fun. “Martin’s still a virgin, isn’t that hilarious, ha ha ha.”
Douglas: Martin—
Martin: I know how humiliating it is to be the only virgin over thirty-five in all of Europe, so please, you don’t have to rub it in.
Douglas: That isn’t—
Martin: I just tell myself that it’s because I haven’t found the right person yet, but the truth I have found the right person. At least ten times now, I’ve found the right person and I’m the only pilot in the world who can wear the uniform and not get shagged because I keep stumbling over words and every time I flirt it comes out sounding like Alan Rickman coughing up a hair ball. Then I end up saying something incredibly stupid that I cannot possibly save myself from, and I make it worse because I try to save myself from it and it doesn’t work. And she just stares at me either politely or as though I’ve just murdered a thousand puppies right in front of her and any sort of possible future with any member of the opposite sex ends before I even get a chance to have a past!
Douglas: Martin, shut up.
Martin: Why?
Douglas: Because I’m going to do this.
Martin: *gasp*
Douglas: …
Martin: …
Douglas: *ahem* Have you done the walk round yet, Captain?
Martin: Uh…
Douglas: Yes, I understand completely when you make those noises. They are so much better than sentences.
Martin: Douglas, you…but, you…You kissed me.
Douglas: And may you never win another game of “I never.”
Martin: …
Douglas: …
Martin: It was nice.
Douglas: I’m glad you enjoyed it.
Martin: Can you do it again?