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1:56 am
“Doctor, I can’t believe it!”
“Oh, you always say that, getting a bit tiresome. Get used to me! Let’s see… I like this one! Yeah, this one is cool. I’m not sure about those things in the ceiling, nor the tank, nor the blinking lights, and I wouldn’t necessarily display that naughty a schedule in that large holographic writing, and the cake was a bit small on the inside, but… as you would say, I want in on it.”
“Sorry?”
“I’ve come — will come — to all of your stags, made a point of it, and I never get any sort of hat… Tonight, you’re sharing. Don’t worry, I’ll take care of everything. I’ll just cancel that, and that, and those, and remove these, and replace that with dancing. Oh, there will be dancing! But first, all of these people need to put some clothes on.”
1:59 am
“No, no, no! Three steps to the left, Jack, then two to the right. You need to learn this before the wedding! How will it look if all you can do is the waltz? Boring! Why are you laughing?”
“Doctor, if I spend tonight with my arms above my head, I’m not going to be able to perform any of my marital duties tomorrow. I know from experience.”
“I’ll give you a few tips later, now shush and do what I say. Everyone! Arms up, yes, right to left and wiggle the fingers if you have them! Now, legs or tentacles or other appropriate appendages — three steps to the left and two to the right and spin around!”
2:34 am
“Never had a stag night. On Gallifrey, we were keen on… sitting, then I took the cocoa back, and then there was more sitting, and then I was chained to a rock, and then I eloped, and there really was no time between the car ride and the chapel and-”
“Just to clarify… You’re getting married?”
“Already am. Married first, got it a bit wrong, fixing it now.”
“Come on, Doctor! You, married?”
“Jack, I’m trying to play beer chess with this nice man.”
“Was I invited? Is it anyone I know?”
“Private ceremony — and I really hope not.”
3:00 am
“Bowtie.”
“Really! Never would have guessed.”
“They’re useful, bowties. Things and fashion at the same time. Are you writing these down?”
“Got it! Any more tips?”
4:07 am
Jack clapped the Doctor on the shoulder, nodded toward the crowd. “Friend of yours?”
“No, that’s your friend! You were hugging him half an hour ago!”
“Not Citch; the woman in the evening gown. I don’t think I know her... not that I mind a new acquaintance.” He straightened what was left of his shirt and caught her eye. “Hey, lady! Who might you be?”
The lady smiled and saluted. “I’m River Song. There’s a party and no one invited me?”
“Let’s fix that, shall we? Welcome to my-”
“River!” The Doctor had made himself a spectacularly tall hat out of napkins and pink cocktail umbrellas, and it wobbled long after he’d stopped flailing. “You’re not supposed to be here; it’s a stag! It’s mine, I’m sharing it!”
She cocked her head. “Well, I never had one either, mister ‘take one end of this’.”
“Yes, you did!”
“A glass of wine in my parents' back garden isn’t a party. This is a party.” She turned to Jack. “Mind sharing with one more?”
Jack raised his glass. “Hell, no!”
“What?” The Doctor put his hands on his hips. “She can’t just invite herself to our stag!”
“Tough luck, Doc! I need to hear more about ‘one end of this’.”
“Doctor! Oi!”
River snatched the sagging hat off the Doctor’s head, and balanced it on her curls. “Now, Sweetie, you can ask me to dance. But first, people are wearing entirely too much clothes!”