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Chapter Text

This is how the world will go

La le lo, so it goes

A lady from the blackest night

Shall perform the darkest right

All the world shall cry for her

And call her now: The Liar


The group gathered inside of the Egbert-Strider apartment at seven PM sharp. They had all dressed in their ideal infiltration garb—Jade wore black a sweater, sweatpants, gloves, and a hat. Dave was in a black tuxedo and Rose wore a black trenchcoat. John tops both of them, wearing a black tuxedo underneath a brown trenchcoat, he looks like a cross between James Bond and the Tenth Doctor. Kanaya dressed in black skinny jeans and a very tight black shirt (Dave quickly noticed that part, but he was a master at not showing it). Karkay shows up looking a lot like Jade, except he decorated his face with war paint. Sollux shows up looking like he always does.

“Guys… what are you wearing?”

John glares at him. “What are you wearing!? Aren’t we supposed to be breaking and entering into Felt offices?”

He sighs and looks to the heavens, mustering all of the patience he can find. “Yes. And the plan is not to draw attention to ourselves by dressing as stereotypical... whatever the hell youre supposed to be.”


“Come one, lets go.

Dejected, the rest follow him out of the apartment.

“Way to kill the mood, buddy.” Dave mutters behind him.

“Heard that.”

“Anyways,” Jade quickly says to stop any arguments that might be forming, “What are our targets today?”

“Their’s ten office buildings of various companies that our…. Parents… believed might actually be fronts for the Felt to manage their operations. We’re going to go check them out to see if any of them still house the Felt, if they ever did at all. If we actually suceed, we go in and extract information. Simple.”

“Alright.” John nods. “So how far out is the first target?”

“Ten miles. Let’s hurry and leave.”


So Dave drove John, Sollux, and Karkat there followed by Rose, Jade, and Kanaya. When they got within a mile they found some free parking and and walked the rest of the way, Sollux wincing in expectation of the judgmental stares. And because it was New York, no one gave them a second glance.

After a few minutes they find themselves staring at their first target. Looking through binoculars, John spots one security guard patrolling outside of the building, and more probably inside.

Dave rises, cracks his knucles, then starts towards the guard. “Alrighty, let’s do this.”

Rose kicks him. “Hold it, Strider. I’ll take this one.”

And they watch her as she walks towards him, John heading after her after a second.

The guard notices her after a second and walks to meet her, frowning. “I’m sorry, miss, can I help you?”

Rose quickly darts forward and places her hand on his chest. The guard jolts as if struck by lightning, before his eyes flash blacks and he goes perfectly still. Rose turns her head away and covers her mouth, feeling bile rise in her throat at the memory of doing that to John. The feeling passes, and when she turns back to the guard he is looking at her attentivley. Rose eyes him with suspicion.

“Are you a member of the Felt, or the Dersite Legion?”

“No, my mistress.”

She nods at him. “As you were.” And walks away.

John follows her, startled. “Wait, that’s it!?”

She shrugs. “I’m only making an assumpion here, but I assume that if Scratch uses a building for his operations, he’d have his own people guard it.”

“O… kay…”

They reach the others and Sollux marks off their location on his list.  “Right, let’s move on the next one.”

As they walk on, Dave asks curiously, “So what exactly is the plan once we actually find the building.”

“We break into the head office, find a way to get into their computer, then download everything on there.”

“So… how to we get onto the computer.”

John grins. “Don’t worry, I got this.” And pulls out a replica Sonic Screwdriver. It then strikes Rose that his Doctoresque appearance might not actually be a coincidence. While the other look baffled and seem to have no idea what the Screwdriver was, Doctor Who was by far one of her favorite TV shows (not that she ever told anyone (and not better than Squiddles, of course (She let this be known far less than her love of Doctor Who))). She particularly enjoyed psychoanalyzing the Doctor and his companions, and loudly listen everything that was wrong with him. She had known John for three years and never knew that he enjoyed the show. They would have to watch it together some time.

But in the meantime, they went on with their objective. The second office proved just as useless as the first, as did the third. They weren’t holding their breath when they reached the fourth, which was a good thing because that and the fifth proved just as useless. By the time they got to the sixth even John had begun to grow bored. At the seventh Karkat had grown disillusioned with the ordeal and had begun to contemplate leaving. At the eight building they had all grown sick of asking, “Are you a member of the Felt or Dersite Legion?” and hearing the same old, “Yes, my Mistress.”

“Wait, what!?” John exclaims, doing a double take.

The enthralled guards looks confused. “I am a member of the Felt.”

Dave snaps awake at this (he’s been sleeping walking since around office five). “Wait, this is the Felt building?” He yawns sleepily.

The guard shakes his head. “No, but I do know of others.”

Sollux hands him the list of buildings they had marked. “Are one of these...?” He asks hopefully.

The guard scrutenizes the two names on the list. “No.”


He scrawls down a name and adress on the list. “Here’s the closest one, it’s only a few blocks away.”

Sollux takes the list back and adds somewhat grumpily. “Thanks.”

Rose smiles at him and pats him on the head. She actually pats him (John feels that his position as boyfriend is being threatened by the perfectly subservient beings that Rose creates. He gives the guard and appropriately threatening glare. It's less than intimidating). “Thank you very much. You can resume your duties.”

The guard bows low. “As you wish, Mistress.”

The seven head out, a bit more energetic now that they know that their journey is near an end. They quickly march up to the poor, confused security guard and Rose corrupts him before he can even ask who they are.

Rose looks him in the eyes. “You are a member of the Felt, correct?”

He nods. “Yes, my Mistress.”

“And this is one of their office buildings? Everyone who works here is a member?”

“Yes, Mistress.”

“How many people are in there?"

“Just a few guards, everyone else has left for the night.”

“Okay, take us to you boss’s office.”

So he leads them into the office and takes them to the elevator, heading to the top floor. And they exit right infront of three guards. They seem uncertain of what to do.

“Uh, Leonard, who’re these?”

“VIPs from Scratch.” He answers smoothly.

They seem to accept that. “Ah, figures. He never tells us anything…” He looks at the seven in fright. “I-uh, not that that’s a bad thing! No, no, no, he’s the boss, he doesn’t have to tell us anything! Infact, I respect him for that! Not wasting any time with useless mooks like us! Ahaha… hahaha... carry on!”

The enthralled guard continues on to the executive office. “It’s here, mistress.”

Rose nods gratefully. “Thank you.” They look in the office, and eye the computer that sits atop of his desk. “Could you grant us acess to his computer?”

The guard shakes his head mornfully. “I’m sorry, mistress, but I do not know the password.”

However, John is stepping forward, a curious gleam in his eyes. “Hey, does anything bad happen if you enter the wrong password?”

“No. I’ve been warning the boss that he should update the security, but he’s quite complacent, and careless.” He shakes his head sadly. “The security is terrible here, really. I’ve been meaning to email Mister Scratch about that.”

Dave gives John a quizzical glance. “Hey bro, you’re not actually thinking about hacking into it, are you?”

John laughs. “Hack!? I’m just going to try and guess his password.”

He sits down in the (remarkably comftorable) leather chair and boots up the computer. It’s an older model desktop, like the one his dad owned (thinking about the man still sends stabs of pain into his heart, but they aren’t as brutal as before). He starts to think: what is important to this man?

Enter Password:

===> DoctorScratch

Password Denied

He tries a few variations of that to no avail.

===> TheFelt

Password Denied

===> TheReckoning

Password Denied


John frowns.

===> LordEnglish

Acess Granted

The Voice seems to give a self satisfied chuckle.


“Okay, I’m in.”

Amidst cries of, "Holy crap how did you do that!?" Sollux shoves him to the floor, sits down, and acesses the computer. He begins typing rapidly, muttering to himself.

“Alright, let’s see what we have here… huh, let’s check his documents, an… Oh dear god….”

John looks up in concern. “What is it!?”

“He… he…” Sollux’s face is a mask of horror.

John shoves him out of the chair and looks at the screen, and he gapes in shock as he reads the document’s contents. “This… this isn’t…?”

“But it is!”

“Ahem.” Everyone turns back to Rose, who looks back with amusement in her eyes..  “Don’t mind me asking, but what exactly did you find there?”

Sollux states in disbelief, “He… has a document with his email address and password. Is this guy some kind of idiot?” He asks the guard.

“No, sir, he’s actually rather brilliant. Although quite forgetful.” The guard scratches his chin in thought. “Maybe that’s why he refused the updated security protocols. He’d probably set them off more often than any thief would.”

“Right, right.” Sollux mutters as he skims through a few more files on the computer. Then he loads up the man’s email, and his face breaks into delight. “Oh, yes! This is… whew.” He laughs as he notices that about half of the emails are from Scratch. He takes a flash drive out of his pocket and starts uploading files to it.

“Okay, I’ll take anything that looks important and look through them back at the Hive.” He snaps the drive out of the computer before booting it off. “Lets go.”

Dave nudges the guard. “Hey, do you think you could wipe us off of the security vids?” He asks, pointing at a camera. The guard looks to Rose, who nods in return.

“Certainly, Master.”

“Hey, I like this guy!”

Rose elbows him in the stomach before speaking to the guard. “Alright, Leonard. After you do that, head home. Tell your co-workers that we’ve asigned you to an important task that they must never ask about. It’s for the sake of Lord English, it is that important. When you arrive at your house, you will find yourself feeling very sleepy. And when you wake up tomorrow you will remember none of what happened tonight. It will have been an unenventful night, as always.”

“Yes, my mistress.”

John grins. “Well, I’d say that tonight was worth it. Let’s head out, everyone!”