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I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream, 'Cause We're Terrified

Chapter Text

Josh sighed happily to himself. He was on Green Day’s tour bus with Billie Joe Armstrong, Tyler Joseph, Mike Dirnt, Tr_ Cool, Gerard Way, Frank Iero, Mikey Way, and Ray Toro.

They’d just left Green Day’s concert, which had been a huge success. My Chemical Romance had played in front of a crowd for the first time in almost three years, Josh had done three backflips in a row, Tyler had climbed all the way to the rafters in the ceiling and swung across them like monkey bars, Frank hadn't killed anybody, Mikey hadn't died, and nobody was confronted by an angry middle-aged parent who thought the bands had sworn too much.

Mike stood up from his seat and nodded at Billie Joe. “Well,” Mike said, “we should get going to, uh-“

Mike fell silent when Billie stuck his tongue out and licked his neck.

“*potato*, Billie, can’t you wait thirty seconds? We’re, uh, going to, uh, bed. Billie, seriously, wait until we get back there!”

Billie frowned. He took his tongue off of Mike’s nose and stuck it back in his mouth, but not before he licked Mike’s neck.

“Billie, I swear to God, if you do that one more time, I am literally going to cum in my pants.” Mike turned to everyone else. “I- we’re just gonna go. Just napping, that’s all.”

Billie grabbed Mike and dragged him back to the area where the bunks were.

Tr_ sighed. “I don’t know why they try to hide it,” he said. “Everyone already knows.”

Gerard snorted. “No kidding,” he said. He poked Mikey in the ribs. “Just like everyone knows that Petekey was totally real.”

“It was not!”

“Was too. I walked in on you guys once.”

“Gerard, shut up!”

Tyler looked at Mikey. “It was actually real?”

“Well- well, yeah. I guess.”

Tyler looked at Josh and squeaked. "Petekey!"

“I know!” Josh whispered.

“It was real, Josh! I told you! You owe me twenty bucks!”

Josh sighed and reached into his pocket, pulling out a pink sharpie marker. He then gave it to Tyler, who proceeded to draw twenty male deer on Josh’s arm. Josh sighed again.

Suddenly, the bus shuddered to a stop.

Chapter Text

Josh swallowed. What was happening? It was pitch black outside. Had the bus broken down?

Tr_ stood up and scratched his head. He looked at the bus driver. “Did, uh… what happened?”

The bus driver sighed and stood up. “We’ve broken down,” the bus driver said. “Just to be safe, I’d like it if you all could go outside and wait, maybe. I’ll just check it out; it shouldn’t take long. Stay together.”

Tr_ nodded. He turned back to Gerard, Frank, Mikey, Ray, Tyler, and Josh. “Well,” he said, “I guess that means we’ll have to go wait outside, then. I’ll go get Billie and Mike.”

Tr_ walked to the door to the bunks at the back of the bus. He banged on the door. “Guys!” he said, “Quit *potato* and get out here; the bus broke down, and we’ve gotta wait outside!”

There was a minute or two of silence before Mike and Billie burst through the door. “It was a good nap!” Mike said quickly. “Just a nap!”

Tr_ snorted. “Okay,” he said, “everybody off, then.”

They all exited the bus. Outside, it was rather cold. Josh shivered. Tyler looked at him. He looked back at everyone else, who was standing around awkwardly. “Guys,” Tyler said, “I’m cold. Can we build a fire or something?”

“Sure,” Gerard said, “I love fire and *potato*. *potato* metal.”

Josh looked at Tyler and noticed that he wasn’t shivering. Josh smiled. “Thanks,” he said.

Chapter Text

“Well,” Billie said, “we should go find some wood. I’ll go look for it.” With that, Billie ran into the forest.

Mike stared after him. He turned to the others. “Guys,” he said in a small voice, “I… I have a bad feeling about this…”

Suddenly, a scream came from the forest. “*potato*,” Mike muttered. He ran to the edge of the forest with the others close behind him. “Billie?” he called. There was another scream.

Mike ran inside. Josh and Tyler followed.

Ray swallowed. “We need some people to stay out here, to-“

“Fine, who wants to stay back?” Tr_ asked, cutting Ray off.

There was a brief silence. Gerard grabbed Mikey and shoved him at Ray. “Mikey’s not going,” Gerard said.

“Gerard, come on!“ Mikey protested.

“Stay here with Ray, Mikey.”

Gerard then took off running after Tr_ and Mike. Josh and Tyler followed.

“*potato*,” Mike said, “*potato* *potato* *potato*. Billie? Bille Joe? Billie? *potato*.”

Suddenly, Josh tripped on something, sending him to the ground.

“Josh!” Tyler shouted, helping him up.

Mike froze. “It’s a trip wire,” he said.

Josh looked around. Suddenly, his eyes landed on a small cave. “Guys,” Josh whispered, “look.”

Mike and Tr_ ran into the cave. “Billie?” Mike called.

“Mike, *potato*, go away, get out, go-“

Josh, Tyler, Frank, and Gerard ran into the cave. Billie had been tied to a chair. “Guys,” Billie panted, “leave, now, please, go- he’s gonna- he’s gonna come back, go, please, just go-“

Suddenly, another man emerged from the shadows, holding a knife. It was Shia LaBeouf. Before anyone could do anything, Shia had decapitated Billie. He smirked at them all and tossed Billie’s head at Mike. He then proceeded to begin eating the body.

They all sprinted out of the cave. Once they’d ran for a few minutes (Josh should really go jogging more often; he was getting out of shape), they all stopped.

Mike stared at the bleeding head in his hands. A tear dripped down his cheek. “*potato*,” he whispered. He wiped away a tear, stuck out his tongue, and shakily licked Billie’s nose. “Billie,” he said quietly.

“Guys,” Gerard said, “we have to go. Now.”

Chapter Text

Mike tucked Billie's head under his arm and turned to face them all.

"Let's go."

They all started running deeper into the woods. As he ran, Josh began hearing familiar voices that gradually grew louder:

"Ah! My hand! It's caught in a bear trap!"
"*potato*, Patrick, why is it always you?"
"I don't know! Holy smokes, Pete, it's not coming out. I- shoot, I can't even feel my arm anymore, Pete! And the bear trap's stuck to the ground, so I can't just pick it up!"
"Andy, you're all muscley and *potato*. Open the bear trap."
"Pete, a bear trap can't be opened without special equipment."
"So, Patrick's hand is just stuck in a bear trap?"
"Pete, we have to go. Calm down, okay? Somebody just has to gnaw off my hand, and then, I'll be freed from this thing."
"Oh, what the- what the *potato*, 'Trick... oh-"
"Pete, what the- oh, holy smokes, he's passed out. Oh- shoot, guys, i can't do this, so- I mean, someone has to."
"Well, I can't. I'm a vegan."
"Well-"
"Guys, relax. Joe's got this. Trohman to the rescue."
"God, Joe, are you really gonna bite his hand off- oh, *potato*, you weren't kidding, were you? Oh, I'm gonna throw up-"
"Joe, bite quicker! Through the wrist, Joe! All the way!"
"I don't wanna hurt you, dude."
"Joe, my hand is stuck in a bear trap. I've already been hurt."
"Okay, okay, well- I'm at a bad angle, hang on..."

Josh finally reached the voices. They were all in a clearing. It was Fall Out Boy. Pete had passed out on the ground, Andy was throwing up in a corner, Patrick was on his knees with his hand caught in a bear trap, and Joe was sprawled across Patrick, attempting to chew through his wrist.

"Huh," Josh said.

Chapter Text

Suddenly, Mikey and Ray ran into the clearing.

“Guys,” Ray panted, “Shia LaBeouf’s here, and- oh, *potato*-“

Ray fell silent when he saw the scene before him. Mikey looked around for a moment, and then, he ran over to Pete.

“Pete, you okay? Pete?”

Pete magically became conscious again. Mikey leaned down to brush a strand of hair off of his forehead. “You okay, Pete?”

”Mikey, I have to… I have to tell you something…”

Mikey nodded. “What is it, Pete? Are you alright? You’re okay, Pete-“

“Mikey,” Pete moaned softly, “Patrick… Patrick’s…”

“It’s okay, Pete, just don’t look. Don’t focus on that, Pete. Look at me, see? I’m here, and you’re here, and it’s okay-“

“Mikey, that’s not it…”

“What is it, then? You can tell me anything, okay? Pete?”

“Mikey, Patrick’s a kinky *potato*.”

“Wait, what?”

“He’s a kinky *potato*, Mikey.”

“So… so why’s that a problem, then?”

“Mikey, the number one rule of friendship is that you tell your best friend if you’re a kinky *potato* or not.”

“Pete, I don’t think that’s how it works-“

“Yeah, it is. I’ve told Gabe that I’m kind of a kinky *potato*, and he’s told me that he’s usually a pretty kinky *potato*.

“You never told me you were kinky.”

“That’s because you’re my boyfriend, not my regular friend. We are boyfriends, right? Well, anyway, it would only make sense that Patrick- my best friend- would tell me if he was a kinky *potato* or not, but no, he’s never told me once that he’s a kinky *potato*.”

Josh tore his eyes away from Pete and Mikey. He wasn’t sure where to look. Did he look at Frank and Gerard, who were staring intently at the bloody mess around them? Did he look at Pete and Mikey, who were currently making out? Did he look at Mike and Tr_, who were standing next to a tree, crying silently whilst taking turns licking Billie Joe’s head? Did he look at Ray, who was standing in the middle of everything, blinking unresponsively? Did he look at Patrick, who was pulling on his arm while Joe climbed all over him, trying to bite through his bone whilst pausing to yell at Patrick to pull harder?

“Joe, please hurry up.”
“Hold… still… Patrick… I’m trying…”
“It’s hard to hold still when you’re- oh, you’re on top of me, now. Oh- oh- okay, could you please get off of my face?”
“Shut up… and… hold still… have to… hurry up… keep pulling…”
“I’m trying, Joe!”
“Harder…”
“I’m not very strong-“
“Fine… then I’ll… bite… harder... Come on… keep pulling… yes… pull, Patrick… yes, Patrick… pull… harder… oh… we’re about to hit bone, come on… pull harder, Patrick, for *potato*’s sakes…”
“Joe, I can’t- oh, there’s so much blood-“
“Man up, Pat… Are you… a wuss…”
“No, I- oh, there’s my bone. Wow, that’s not something I wanted to see, oh-“
“Pull harder… Patrick… Close your eyes… if you don’t want… to look at the blood… but… we have to keep… going…”
“Oh- okay, okay, I- oh, it just cracked, I don’t like that sound, Joe, I really don’t…”
“Come… on… Patrick… I know you… like it… at least a little…”
“Well- well, maybe a little, but…”
“Pat… come on… I can feel… your boner… underneath me…”

On second thought, Josh decided, maybe Patrick was a kinky *potato*.

Chapter Text

Josh settled on looking at Tyler. Tyler looked at him.

“This is pretty weird, huh?”

Josh nodded. “Hey,” he said, “um, assuming we make it out of this forest alive, I mean… since we’re, uh… you know… maybe we could go on a date?”

Tyler nodded and smiled. His eyes did that thing where they scrunch up. He grabbed Josh’s hand and squeezed it. “I’d love that, Josh.”

“Cool! That’s great! I mean- yeah, thanks!”

“Where should we go?”

“Well, do you wanna go somewhere fancy or something, or, like, not fancy, or-“

Tyler’s eyes lit up. “Let’s go to Chipoltle!”

“YES! Let’s do it!”

“Burritos! We can- I don’t know, we’ll take them to go and, like, go to a park or something, and we’ll swing on swings, or something, and-“

“And we can look at the stars and stuff, and we can, like-“

Josh was interrupted by a scream from Joe.

“I got it! We got it!”

“Oh, God, that’s so gross. Come on, guys, we should go now. I’m not stuck anymore, so we’re, uh, good. Oh, man, that’s gross. Oh, that’s a bone. I look like what Pete ate for dinner last week. Oh, gross. Oh, I’m never eating meat again. Never.”

Joe snorted and ripped off some of the bottom of his shirt. He wrapped it around the stump, grabbed Patrick’s other hand, and pulled him up. “Let’s go, guys. Pete, get up.”

Pete stood up and scowled at Patrick. “Kinky *potato*,” he muttered.

Suddenly, Shia Labeouf ran into the clearing, wielding a fishbowl. He scanned the area for a moment before launching himself at Ray. He smashed the fishbowl on top of Ray’s head and then proceeded to take a handful of Ray’s hair into his mouth, growling.

“*potato*!” Gerard shouted. “*potato* *potato* you little *potato*!” He ran towards Ray and Shia, but before he could reach them, Shia froze. He began gagging.

Gerard grabbed Ray and tried pulling him away, but he wouldn’t budge. His hair- still in Shia’s mouth- was stuck. He pulled harder, and suddenly, a large chunk of Ray’s hair detached itself from Ray’s head. Gerard pulled Ray to him and began running back to the others.

“Guys!” Josh shouted, “Look!”

Everyone turned to where Josh was pointing. Shia was on his knees, coughing terribly hard. He seemed to be choking on something. Josh wondered what it was.

Shia’s face began turning blue. All of a sudden, he coughed up a hairball of Ray Toro’s hair. He then fell over, apparently unconscious.

Chapter Text

Andy turned to them all. “Run if you want to live,” he whispered.

They all began running through the forest. Josh didn’t know where he was going; he simply followed Tyler’s footsteps, hoping Tyler was following someone else. Eventually, they reached another clearing, completely surrounded by pine trees with a large rock in the center.

Pete walked over to the rock and stood up on it.

“So,” he said, “you’ve all met Shia, then, right?”

Everyone nodded.

“Yeah. Me and the boys, we’ve been in here a while now, and we’ve been successful in running from him so far. The power of friendship, right?”

Pete shoved his fist in the air. On it was a pink friendship bracelet. Andy, Joe, and Patrick raised their fists, displaying identical ones.

“I mean, I guess we should just go in the trees, because as far as we know, he can’t climb trees. So, let’s do that-”

Gerard cut Pete off. “Guys? Guys, where’d Frank go?”

“*potato*,” Pete whispered. Suddenly, there was a scream from in the distance. “Gerard…” Pete whispered, “don’t do anything stupid, please…”

Gerard narrowed his eyes and turned around, about to set off into the forest.

“Wait!” Mikey shouted, “Take one of my lucky socks.” He took off one of his shoes, peeled off a hot pink knee sock, and handed it to Gerard. Gerard sighed, took his shoe off, and put the sock on over his other sock. He then replaced his shoe and ran out of the clearing.

“He’s gone,” Andy said. “He’s not coming back. You guys realize that, right?”

Mikey sighed. “Yeah,” he said, “but… if we’d made him stay here, without Frank… he’d never be happy again. We had to let him go.”

Ray nodded. “Should we do a head count?”

“I guess,” Pete said. “I mean, when you guys came into the forest, who was with you?”

“Me, Gerard, Frank, Mikey, Billie, Mike, Tr_, Tyler, and Josh.”

“Okay, that’s nine. With the four of us- Andy, Joe, Patrick, and I- there were 13. Now, Billie- well, you’ve got his head, Mike, so he’s probably dead… so that’s one person… and then, Frank and Gerard are gone, too… and Ray’s okay… so that makes ten out of the thirteen of us left. There are… um, there are… one, two, three… there are five trees in here, so we’ll like, divide ourselves up, I guess. Ten divided by five? That’s, like, two in each tree.”

Pete paused. “Mike, Tr_, give me the head. I’ll put it in my backpack.”

Mike walked forward and held the head out to Pete, who carefully stuffed it into his backpack. “Okay,” Pete said, “So, let’s have me and Mikey in one tree, Patrick and Joe in another, Mike and Tr_ in another, Tyler and Josh in another, and, Ray and Andy in another.”

Everyone walked over to a tree and began climbing it. Tyler was above Josh. He turned around and smiled. “you can’t climb very well, Josh, can you?”

“No, I can climb perfectly well.” Josh climbed o the branch above Tyler. Tyler climbed to the branch above Josh. Josh was about to climb higher when he turned his head and saw Joe and Patrick in the tree next to him.

Joe was straddling Patrick on a tree branch, sucking on his stump thing. He took his mouth off and spat blood into Patrick’s face.

“Joe...”

“I’m not Joe. I’m daddy.”

“Oh, okay, then, daddy.”

Joe growled. "Don't mess it up again, or I might have to... punish you..."

Joe pushed Patrick’s pants down and pulled out his-

No, Josh definitely didn’t want to see that. He looked up at Tyler, who took one look at Josh’s face and burst out laughing.

“:You- your face, Josh, my God, haven’t you ever watched porn or anything before?”

“No?”

“Oh, God, Josh.” Tyler shook his head and climbed higher. Josh followed. Tyler pulled him up to the branch he was on, and they sat next to each other. Suddenly, they heard Pete in the tree on their other side.

“Hey, Tyler, have you seen Patrick?”

“Yeah, he and Joe are having sex down there in their tree.”

“Wait, seriously?”

Pete turned to Mikey. “Dude,” Pete said.

“Pete, we're not going to have sex in a tree.”

“But-“

“Pete, no.”

“Gerard would’ve wanted it this way, Mikey.”

“He would’ve wanted his little brother to have sex with Pete Wentz in a tree?”

“Dude, who wouldn’t want their little brother to have sex with Pete Wentz in a tree?”

“Gerard Way, maybe?”

“Okay, well, Gerard Way might not want Gerard Way’s little brother to have sex with Pete Wentz in a tree, but do you want Gerard Way’s brother to have sex with Pete Wentz in a tree?”

“Well, kind of…”

“Then let’s do it! Bye, Tyler! Bye, Josh! Mikey’s gonna go have sex with Pete Wentz in a tree!”

Josh turned to Tyler. “This has definitely not been our year.”

“Maybe it’s not my weekend, but it’s gonna be my year,” he sang before erupting into a fit of giggles.

“Tyler, it wasn’t our weekend OR our year.”

“I just- oh, Josh, you- you’re Asian, so, like, year of the goat or something, right? But-“ Tyler paused, trying to compose himself. “What if it actually was like-" Tyler paused, trying in vain to stop laughing- "what if it really was your year, like-“ Tyler laughed again. “Like, what if they had a Chinese zodiac thing, and it was just 'Josh,' like, 'Hey, what's your- what's your Chinese zodiac?' and- and- 'Oh, I'm a- a- a Josh.' 'Oh, my cousin's a Josh!' And-" Tyler tried to catch his breath. "And, like, what if they called it, ‘Year Of The Josh,’ and, like, they had- oh, I can’t, like- like, festivals, like, Josh Dun signs everywhere, like- Oh, God, Josh, why is this so funny?”

Josh laughed, pulling Tyler closer to him. “Tyler, go to sleep. I think you need it.”

Tyler laughed again and snuggled into Josh’s neck [but honestly if someone ever did that to me i s w e a r literally i am the most ticklish person on earth like how is josh not freaking out idk honestly].

“Goodnight, Josh.”

“Goodnight, Tyler.”

Chapter Text

Josh must have fallen asleep as well, because when he woke up, the sun was shining on his face. He squinted his eyes and looked over at Tyler, who was still sleeping next to him. He heard the leaves rustling in Mikey and Pete’s tree.
“Josh,” came Pete’s voice, “we’re having a meeting. Come down to the ground.”
“Okay,” Josh said. He nudged Tyler. “Tyler,” he said, “wake up.”
Tyler opened his eyes and scowled. “What?”
”Pete says we have to go back down there.”
Tyler sighed and began climbing down the tree. Josh followed him. When they reached the ground, a magical unicorn mauled Andy.
“Ow,” Andy said. “I’m dying.”
“Oh, no,” said Pete. “That’s terrible, Andy!”
“Farewell, my friends,” Andy said before he died.
“Guys, Andy has died! Oh, no!”
“’Tis indeed a shame, my friends. Joetrick 4 lief. Liek if u cry evrtme.”
“Ah, yes, indeed. True. Spaghetti. Nice.”
“Who the *potato* is talking?”
“It’s me, Josh, Charlie the unicorn! HAHAHA! Fight me, *potato*! Fight me! I’m down for a fight! Sass master to the max! I have red hair and an All Time Low shirt! We may not know each other, but I love you!”
“Oh, look, ‘tis I, the cloud! Mi nombre es Sophia!”
“I am a ninja warrior fighty princess, and I’ll stab you with my knitting needles. Pow. Squish.”
Josh gasped. These creatures were so epic.
“BUY DRAG ME DOWN ON ITUNES! BUY DRAG ME DOWN ON ITUNES! B U Y. D R A G. M E. D O W N. O N. I T U N E S. BUY IT! BUY DRAG ME DOWN ON ITUNES! I’M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR ONE DIRECTION!” shouted a flamingo wearing really nice eyeliner.
“I’m sorry,” Josh said, “but I don’t really like One Direction. I prefer Panic! At The Disco, Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, twenty one pilots, The Young Veins, The Brobecks, and Green Day.”
The flamingo began shoving breadsticks into her purse. “I’m sorry, I have to go right now,” she said.
“Hey, where did those breadsticks come from?”
“They came from me!” said a girl who used to be in the same Girl Scout troop as Josh. “I have breadsticks because I’m cool! I like your shirt, Josh! I also like Doctor Who!”
“Ah, yes,” Josh said. “You are cool.”
Then, a girl with black hair came. Josh didn’t remember what she looked like, except that she had black hair. No, wait. He did remember, because he’d been stalking her Instagram for an hour, trying to figure out who she was. He still didn’t really know. “I POST A LOT OF ONE DIRECTION STUFF ON INSTAGRAM!” she shouted. “I like to knit!”
“Am I the only one here who doesn’t like One Direction?” Josh asked.
Suddenly, a feather floated to the ground. “I am a pretty lame person who’s also pretty rad!” it shouted.
“What a fabulous feather!” Josh exclaimed.
Josh was beginning to feel overwhelmed. There were so many people. He didn’t know anyone other than the cloud and the ninja warrior fighty princess.
“Josh, what the heck? You’re stalking all of our Instagrams whilst writing this, and you just liked someone’s picture from six weeks ago! You’re an All Time Hoe! HAHAHAHAHAH!"
“Indeed!” Josh cried, “Indeed! I am a total butthole weird thing! For shame, @ me! For shaaaaame!”
Suddenly, a slightly overweight middle aged man ran over to Josh. “INVEST YOUR *POTATO* DOLLARS, JOSH! BLAZE NEW TRAILS! INVEST YOUR DOLLARS! ARE YOU A WUSS? ARE YOU A WUSS? INVEST YOUR DOLLARS! HIGH SCHOOL IS SO MUCH FUN! YOU GET TO SOCIALIZE EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY, EVEN IF YOU’RE AN INTROVERT, AND SOCIALIZATION MAKES YOU ANXIOUS! IF BEING AROUND LOTS OF PEOPLE IS AN ANXIETY TRIGGER FOR YOU, JOSH, AND I REALLY JUST WANT YOU TO HAVE A PANIC ATTACK ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL! YOU'RE STUPID! YOUR ANXIETY IS TRIGGERED BY YOUR OWN REFLECTION, FOR GOD’S SAKES! YOU’RE SO STUPID, JOSH! YOU NEEEEED TO INVEST YOUR DOLLARS! INVEEEEEEEEEST THEM! PORK CHOP, PORK CHOP, GREASY, GREASY, YOU MADE THAT LOOK REALLY EASY! SAY IT, JOSH! SAY IT! SAY IT! PORK. CHOP. PORK. CHOP. GREASY. GREASY. YOU. MADE. THAT. LOOK. REALLY. EA-”

“Josh, wake up! We’re going to have a meeting back down there.”

Josh opened his eyes. It had all been a dream. He followed Tyler down the tree until they reached the bottom of it. Everyone was in the clearing.

“What’s going on?” Josh asked.

“We’re having a meeting,” said Mikey. “Duh.”

Pete stood up on the rock. “Well,” he said, “I call this meeting to order. First of all, we should probably call the police. Does anybody have a phone?”

There was a moment of silence as they all rummaged through their pockets.

“I have one,” Joe said, “but there’s no service in here.”

Andy walked over and grabbed the phone out of Joe’s hands. “I’ll climb a tree and see if there’s reception,” he said. “Hold my friendship bracelet, Joe.”

Andy handed Joe his pink friendship bracelet and began climbing a tree. Within several minutes, he reached the top. It was extremely high up. There had to be reception up there.

“Be careful!” Ray shouted.

Andy typed in the phone number and raised it into the air. “Guys!” he shouted, “It’s ringing! It’s ri-“

Suddenly, Shia LaBeouf popped out of the leaves next to Andy. He snapped Andy’s neck and jumped out of the tree with his corpse, to the opposite side of the clearing.

“*potato*,” Josh said to Tyler. “Shia LaBeouf can climb trees.”

Chapter Text

Thee was a moment of silence. After a minute or two, it was broken by Pete.

“Okay, okay. Let’s think about this. What did everyone who was eaten have in common?”

Everyone thought for a moment. Then, Josh realized something. He had pink male deer drawn on his arm. Pete, Joe, and Patrick had pink friendship bracelets. Mikey had one pink sock. Mike had pink sunglasses.

“Guys,” Josh said, “the people who weren’t eaten were wearing pink.”

“Pink?”

“Yeah, remember?”

“So, you think Shia only eats people if they’re not wearing pink?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“But Gerard was wearing one of Mikey’s pink socks, wasn’t he?”

“Well, I don’t know…”

Suddenly, someone ran into the clearing. It was Shia, dragging Gerard with him.

“On Wednesdays, we wear pink!”

Josh and the others watched as Shia threw Gerard onto the ground and ran away. Pete turned to Josh.

“Dude,” Pete said, “I think you’re right.”

Gerard stood up and brushed dirt off of his legs. “Right about what?”

“Shia only eats you if you aren’t wearing pink.”

Tyler stepped forward. “Excuse me,” he said, “but… but I’m not wearing pink, and neither is Tr_ or Ray, so that means that-“

Tyler was interrupted when Shia ran back into the clearing. He tackled Tr_ to the ground and bit his head off. He then stood up and looked around for a while, eventually settling his eyes on Ray. He began walking towards him.

Josh gasped. The pink marker! He pulled it out of his pocket and ran to Ray, and just before Shia reached him, he drew a pink line on Ray’s shirt.

Shia looked at the line and then at Josh. He looked around at everyone else. Suddenly, he bolted at Tyler. Patrick ran over and took his friendship bracelet off, sticking it on Tyler’s wrist. Shia then proceeded to make a beeline at Patrick, but Josh ran and drew a scribble on Patrick’s stump.

Shia looked around and scowled before stalking back into the forest.

Josh blinked. Everyone seemed frozen to their spots, just as shocked as he was.

“On Wednesdays, we wear pink,” Josh whispered.

“Uh-huh,” Pete said.

“What day is it today?”

Tr_ checked his watch. “Wednesday, August 19, 2015.”

“What time?”

“Eleven o’clock.”

“Shoot,” Josh muttered. “On Wednesdays, we wear pink. Wednesdays. It’s eleven at night, which means that in an hour, it’ll be Thursday. What happens then?”

“What do you mean?”

“What happens when it isn’t Wednesday anymore?”

Chapter Text

Pete frowned. “I don’t know,” he said.

Josh swallowed. “We should get out of here, then, right?”

“Uh… yeah. Good plan. Let’s, uh, go look for a safer area.”

“What about Tr_?”

Josh turned around. Mike was pointing at Tr_’s headless body, shaking violently.

“What about Tr_? We- we gotta take him with, we gotta-“

Gerard walked over to Mike and placed his hands on his shoulders. “Gone,” he said. “They’re both gone. They’re not coming back. We can’t change what’s already happened. Mike? Mike, are you okay?”

Mike wouldn’t stop shaking.

“Gerard,” Josh said, “he’s obviously not okay.”

“What about Tr_? Billie Joe? Where’d Billie Joe go? We got a concert tomorrow. We can’t be late. We gotta go, guys. Tr_, Billie Joe, come on. We gotta go. We gotta- we gotta-“

Gerard squeezed Mike’s shoulders tighter. “Mike, calm down-“

“I’ve got grape juice in the fridge. We gotta go get the grape juice, guys. The bus broke down. The power’s out. The grape juice is gonna spoil, guys. Billie Joe? Hey, Billie, you want me to lick you? Tr_, you can lick with us, if you want. What about the juice? The juice? Guys? Billie Joe? Tr_? Guys? What about the conce-“

“Mike, we’re not going to get out of here alive. You’ll never play another concert, so snap out of it, okay?”

Tears poured down Mike’s face. HE was screaming now. “Billie Joe? Where’d you go, Billie? Where’d you go? Tr_? Come out, come out, wherever you are! I know you guys are hiding! You’re- you’re hiding, I know it! Come on, guys, the grape juice is getting warm! Are you coming? Guys? Billie Joe? Billie? Billie Joe Armstrong? Billie? One- one, two, three, four five, six, se- seven! Look for love! Look for love! Look for love! Look for love! Don’t you love that song, Billie Joe? You sang it when you were little. I jerked off to the audio clip of it once. Billie Joe? Where’d you go? Tr_, have you seen Billie Joe? Tr_? Guys? Guys, where’d you go? Guys-“

Suddenly, Mike was interrupted by a new voice.

“Little *potato*. There’s only room for one Michael in this town, okay? Okay? Is that clear? Is tha CLEAR? There’s only ONE Michael in these woods! And it’s me! And I don’t CARE if you’re Mike Dirnt, for God’s sakes, or Mikey Way… you’re not even the best in your bands… Gerard and Billie Joe all the way, man! And Mike Dirnt and Mikey Way are just puny little bass players, and they are stupid, and I am not! And I play GUITAR! And I am PUNK ROCK! And you guys are NOT! HAHAHAH!”

Josh gasped. It was Michael Clifford. Stuff had just gotten real.

Michael Clifford pulled out a knife and threw it at Mikey, but Pete ran in front of Mikey just before the knife hit him. It went straight into Pete’s chest.

Michael sneered. “ADDED BONUS!” he screamed. He was about to throw another knife at Mikey, when all of a sudden, the archangel Michael popped out of nowhere.

“YO!” Michael the archangel shouted, “YO! YOOOOOO! If there’s only one Michael, it’s gonna be ME! And for the record, there can be a TON of Michaels! A *potato* ton of Michaels! If any Michael is gonna die, it’s gonna be YOU! HA! YOOOOOO!” With that, Michael the archangel pointed at Michael Clifford, and a lightning bolt struck him and killed him. *gasp*

Michael then pointed at Tr_. “WHO THE *potato* KILLED TR_ COOL?” he shouted. He looked up at the sky. “Come on, dude!” he shouted, “Get real! Come on! That’s just not fair!”

All of a sudden, Tr_’s head reappeared, and he wasn’t dead. Whoop whoop.

“Is Billie Joe Armstrong dead, too? Aw, *potato*. Come on. This *potato*’s whack. Come on. I thought the humans would’ve sorted their *potato* out by now. Come on. Seriously.”

Michael the archangel walked over to Pete’s corpse, grabbed Billie Joe’s head out of it, and all of a sudden, Billie Jo’s body was also attached to it. yaaaay.

Michael looked around. “Well,” he said, “I can’t do anything about the other dead dudes, ‘cause I do know people, but the people don’t like it when the Michael does the non-death thing to much, so the Michael angel thing’s gonna leave now. Bye.”

Michael the archangel left.

Tyler turned to Josh. “I’m thirsty,” he said.

“Me, too,” Josh said.

Tyler smirked. “Oh, you’re a thirsty little *potato*, are you, Joshy? Huh?”

Josh’s breath caught in his throat [is that a thing? can that happen?]. He was about to stutter a reply when he was interrupted by Ray.

“Guys, we really need to leave now.”

Josh coughed and looked down. “Yeah,” he said. “Let’s go.”

Chapter Text

Suddenly, a dead emcee fell from the sky. Josh didn’t know why, but for some reason, the dead emcee made him feel a lot less confused and depressed. It was like one of those statues from The Sims. The dead emcee disappeared.

Josh looked around, but apparently, nobody had seen the dead emcee. Oh, well. He was probably dehydrated.

“We really need to find water,” Josh said.

Everyone nodded in agreement, and they started walking again. They went in a single file line. Patrick was in front, with a pink slash across the edge of his stump. Joe followed Patrick, wearing his pink friendship bracelet, identical to Pete’s. Mike was after Joe, with pink sunglasses. Tr_ was after Mike. Billie Joe was after Tr_. After Billie Joe, it was Ray, wearing a shirt with a pink line drawn across it, Mikey with one pink sock, Gerard with the other pink sock, Tyler with Patrick’s pink friendship bracelet, and Josh with twenty pink male deer drawn on his arm.

They were all still really weirded out by what had just happened. Billie Joe, Tr_, and Mike just kept staring at each other, quietly whispering. Josh could make out a little of what they said:

“Guys, it was nuts! Nuts!”
“Yeah, it sounds like it was. So, you won’t die unless you’re not wearing pink, right?”
“No, I mean- well, I don’t *potato* know at this point. Just wing it, right? I’m just rolling with it. Man, this is great. I thought you guys were dead for good!”
“Dude, me, too!”
“Yeah!”
“By the way, guess what we saw in Heaven?”
“What? Oh, God, what was it?”
“Oh, you’ll never guess, Mike.”
“Come on, tell me!”
“Okay, get this: the archangels were having an orgy. An orgy!”

Josh sighed. He’d always thought God and stuff was real, but he’d never thought it would be like this. Oh, well. He could dig it.

Suddenly, Josh remembered that it was almost Thursday. He froze.

“What time is it now?”

Tr_ checked his watch. “Oh,” he said.

“Oh, what?”

“It’s one minute until midnight.”

Josh sighed. “Well,” he said, “we’re all gonna die, then-“

Josh was cut off when, in the distance, there came a loud clock-sound. It rang twelve times. After it stopped, there was a brief period of silence. Then, Shia LaBeouf’s voice rang out across the forest.

“You guys are all my friends! Here's a clue for you, my buds! On Wednesdays, we wear pink! On Thursdays, we wear BLOOD!”

Chapter Text

“*potato*,” Josh heard Billie Joe whisper.

“No kidding,” Mike said. “Guys, we’re not safe anywhere.”

Josh sighed. Mike was right. As long as they were in the forest, they weren’t safe. Now, on top of trying to eat them all, it seemed like Shia was applying actual logic to this little game of his.

What had Shia meant? ‘On Thursdays, we wear blood.’ What was that supposed to mean?

“Okay,” Gerard said, “well, we’ve all got pink on, so that should work, right? Or… well, on Thursdays we wear blood… so, maybe we need to wear red?”

Everyone murmured an agreement.

“So, is anyone not wearing red right now?”

Josh looked at himself. He had red shoelaces that matched Tyler’s. Everyone else seemed to have something red on, too.

“Everyone has red stuff,” Tr_ said. “So, um, I guess we’re safe, right? Maybe we should think about finding food or something-“

Tr_ didn’t finish his sentence. Shia had burst into the clearing and thrown him against a tree. Shia grabbed Tr_’s body and began repeatedly banging his head against the tree, shouting, “On Thursdays, we wear BLOOD!” over and over. Mike and Billie Joe tried to run to help him, but Gerard held them back.

Mikey grabbed the knife embedded in Pete’s chest and threw it at Shia. Shia stuck out his hand and grabbed the knife before it reached him. He ran out of the clearing, dragging Tr_- who was now limp and dead- with him. At least, Josh really hoped Tr_ was dead. Things for the poor guy would be a lot worse if he was still alive.

“Not again,” Mike moaned.

Everyone stood there for a moment, unsure of what to do. Josh was just as confused as everyone else. Tr_ had been wearing red. Why had Shia eaten him?

All of a sudden, it clicked. “Guys,” Josh said, “on Thursdays, we wear blood. Blood. He means actual blood.”

“*potato*,” Patrick said. “Where are we supposed to get blood?”

Everyone turned to stare at Patrick’s stump, which was still oozing blood. He looked down at it and sighed. “Guys, come on. That's not gonna work.”

"Well..." Joe said, his voice trailing off. He looked at Patrick apologetically.

"I don't suppose I get a say in this?"

"Not really, Patrick."

Chapter Text

Patrick sighed. He took Joe’s shirt off of his stump and held out the stump, which was still bleeding. “Get on with it, then,” he said.

Joe walked over to Patrick. “It’s not that bad, Pat,” he said. He wiped some extra blood off of Patrick’s stump and cupped Patrick’s cheek in his palm, using his thumb to make a line of blood underneath Patrick’s eyes. “Put on your war paint,” Joe whispered.

Patrick stared at Joe for a moment. He raised his stump up and used it to draw a cross of blood on Joe’s forehead. “Hot,” Patrick mumbled.

Joe smirked. “Daddy’s little boy is feeling kinky again, hmm?”

Patrick blushed. He was about to reply when Ray interrupted him.

“Could you two save that for later? We need to get blood on everybody, and we need to hurry up, okay? Patrick, are you okay with this?”

“He’s okay with it,” Joe answered for Patrick. Patrick scowled. “Fine,” he said.

Joe grabbed Patrick and pulled him over to everyone. He used Patrick’s stump to sort of paint blood on everyone’s shirts.

Josh swallowed. This was definitely gross. Very gross. Then again, it was their only chance of surviving, so he’d manage.

Tyler looked at Josh and laughed. “Yours looks like a *potato*, Josh.”

“What?” Josh looked down at his shirt to see two circles and a long oval. He sighed. “Not bad, Joe,” he called to Joe. Joe turned around and gave him a thumbs up over his shoulder before finishing using the blood to make a Fall Out Boy symbol on Gerard’s shirt.

Joe and Patrick stepped back. “Done,” Joe said.

“That was so gross,” Patrick mumbled.

“Nah, you liked it.”

“Joe, I- it’s gross, no. I don’t like it.”

“Not even a little bit?”

“Well… maybe a little bit, but-“

“PATRICK’S A KINKY *potato*!”

“Joe!”

“That’s ‘daddy’ to you, Patrick.”

Patrick sighed. “Fine. Daddy, please stop talking about my blood. It’s gross. Now, I think we need to find food and water, or something.”

Billie Joe raised his hand. “Mike and I can go look for food,” he said.

“Okay, yeah. Maybe we’ll get water later. It looks like it might rain tonight. Gerard, can you Ray and Mikey start a fire or something?”

Gerard nodded. He and Mikey began gathering logs and sticks from the ground, putting them in a pile.

Josh walked over to Patrick. “Dude,” he said, “I’m sorry about that whole… thing… that definitely was weird, yeah…”

Patrick shrugged. “It’s fine,” he said. “To tell you the truth,” he added in a whisper, “I really did like it. A lot”

“Wait, really? Oh, I ship it! Joetrick! Yes!”

“Okay, yeah, but don’t talk about it to everyone else. Hey, we gotta talk about Joshler now! That’s a thing, apparently!”

“Oh, yeah, me and Tyler? Yeah, I guess.”

“So, he tops, right?”

“Huh?”

“Haven’t you had sex yet?”

“Oh.” Josh hadn’t thought about sex. “I mean… not really, no…”

“What? Oh, come on. Well, I think if you did… I mean, Tyler looks pretty dominant to me. Like Joe.”

“Joe tops?”

“Dude, he made me call him daddy. Of course he tops.”

“Oh,” Josh said. He was starting to feel uncomfortable. He’d actually never really wanted sex. He liked kissing Tyler, and holding hands with Tyler, and cuddling with Tyler, but he’d never really wanted to have sex with Tyler. Come to think of it, he’d never wanted to have sex with anyone.

“Patrick, could we… um, could we not talk about sex right now? I mean… I just don’t really, um… want sex… I don’t think…”

Patrick nodded. “Asexual?”

“Huh?”

“It’s when you like romance but not sex.”

“Oh. Is that a thing?”

“Yeah.”

“I think… yeah, maybe I am asexual. Yeah. Asexual.”

Josh turned to Tyler, who was listening intently to something Joe was saying. “Tyler!” he called, “I’m asexual!”

“Cool!” Tyler said. “Me, too!”

“Really?”

“Yeah!”

“Cool!”

Josh turned back to Patrick. “We’re cool,” he said. He was about to say something, when suddenly, Mike ran back into the clearing, carrying Billie Joe’s limp form in his arms.

“Mushrooms,” Mike panted, “we thought they were safe, so- so Billie Joe tried one, just in case, and- and- and it wasn’t a regular one, and he was like, ‘Mike, I think it’s one of the funny ones.’ And we were like, ‘Hey, let’s play chubby bunny with ‘em,’ and we did, and I won, but Billie Joe must have overdosed, because he’s not breathing, and I- I don’t know what to do, I just got him back, and now, this-“

Mike gave them all a pleading look. Josh was going to ask if they’d actually gotten any food, when suddenly, the archangel Raphael popped into the clearing.

“Not again,” he moaned. “Come on, man. Michael just brought him back, like, a few hours ago. This is crazy, okay? Did you guys ever think that maybe the reason why we’ve brought him back five times is because we might not want him up there yet? Huh? Maybe he scares the *potato* out of us, okay? He's nice, but, God, he's terrifying. And since he's nice, he- I mean, he's too nice to go to Hell or Purgatory, so what can we do? We can’t leave him up there, so we send him back here. Five times now. Come on-“

“I thought it was just once,” Mike whispered.

“No, he’s done it himself quite a lot-“

Mike let out a strangled choking sound. “Four times?”

“Yeah, four times. A lot less after he met you, though, I gotta admit that. And then, last time, it wasn't his fault, really, and it was like, ‘Well, what do you want us to do, man? Everyone’s terrified of you up here, but if we put you back down there, you’ll just die again, right?’ And he was like, ‘I don’t know, man. Do whatever,’ and we were like, ‘Fine, maybe you want to go see your dad, or something.’ And we sent him to stay in this little house up there where his dad lives, and he liked that a lot, and then, Tr_ Cool got up there, and Michael was like, ‘Hell, no!’ and he went and brought ‘em both back, so that was cool, right? Well, apparently not, ‘cause Tr_ shows up again a couple hours later, and then, Billie Joe. Again. Sixth time he’s ended up there. And you know what? It’s just gonna keep happening. We can’t do anything, and you guys all obviously want to be together, so what we’re gonna do, is we’re gonna keep ‘em up there, and Mike, if you wanna come with me, you can, but you can’t come back. You wanna come?”

Mike swallowed. “Um… um… well, there’s no coming back here, is there?”

“Well, I can arrange something like ghost stuff if you want. We can figure it out, I guess. You’ll die eventually, anyway, so you don’t have to do it now. If you do it later, though, it’s up to you to get killed.”

“I’ll… I’ll do it now, yeah… and Billie Joe and Tr_ are there?”

“Yep. I’ve said that, like, three *potato* times now. Pay attention. So, you’re coming?”

“Uh, yeah. Yeah.”

“Cool. By the way, before we go-“ Raphael turned to Joe and Patrick- “Please, for the love of God, do what you will, but- I mean, don’t… don’t draw blood crosses on each other’s foreheads, ‘cause that’s just… weird. I don’t know. Have fun, but please don’t kill each other.” With that, Raphael and Mike disappeared.

“Well,” Joe said, “I think what that dude meant was that I obviously have to wipe this blood cross off of my head, but I don’t have any water, so we’ll need saliva, maybe. Patrick?”

Patrick smirked. “Yes, daddy?”

“Come here.”

Patrick walked over to Joe and turned his head toward the sky. “This goes out to everybody up there. Love you guys.” He snickered and began licking the blood off of Joe’s forehead.

There was a loud rumble of thunder, and rain began pouring from the sky. Pete Wentz’ voice came over the roar of the thunder:

“Use the rain instead of saliva, for Pete’s sake. Literally. It’s me, Pete, and please, for my sake, just use the rain. Thanks. By the way, Mikey? If you can hear me, Mikey, I really love you a lot, but if you want, you can find someone else. I’m looking at you, Ray Toro. It’s okay with me. As long as you don’t mind sharing once the two of you die. Haha. Bye! Also, Frank’s not here, so either he’s in Hell or something, or he’s not dead- oh, there’s God, um, he says Frank’s not dead, so. Yeah.”

Everyone stared at the sky, their mouths agape. This whole thing kept getting crazier and crazier.

Chapter Text

Everyone stared at the sky, their mouths agape. This whole thing kept getting crazier and crazier.

“Okay,” Josh said. “Frank’s alive, then.”

Nobody else said anything.

“Should we collect the water in something?”

“Yeah,” Ray said. “Yeah, let’s do that. Oh- oh, *potato*, my hair…”

Everyone turned to Ray’s hair, which, thanks to the water, now went straight down, covering almost his whole face.

Gerard laughed. Josh had noticed that Gerard seemed to have lightened up after hearing that Frank was still alive.

“*potato* it,” Gerard said. “We don’t need containers.” He tilted his head up again with his mouth open and started trying to catch the water in his mouth.

All of a sudden, there came a loud cry over the pour of rain and cracks of thunder.

“OOOOWWWWWEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOO! PE-NIS, PE-NIS, PE-NIS, PE-NIS! I AM GAY AS *potato* FOR WILLIAM BECKETT! PE-NIS, PE-NIS, PE-NIS, PE-NIS! I AM GAY AS *potato* FOR PETE WENTZ! PE-NIS, PE-NIS, PE-NIS, PE-NIS! I AM GAY AS *potato* FOR EVERYONE! OOOOOOOWWWOOOOOOOOOOO! *potato*! *potato*! HOO-HAH *potato*! I DON’T KNOW, BUT I'VE BEEN TOLD! PETE WENTZ’ CUM SMELLS LIKE MOLD! SOUND OFF! ONE, TWO! SOUND OFF! THREE, FOUR!”

All of a sudden, there was a bright burst of lightning, illuminating a figure that appeared to have another figure in his arms, marching through the woods and not more than fifty feet away from Josh and everyone else. The figure seemed to be the one chanting. They were surrounded by a few others.

“AIAIAIAIAIAIIIII! POW, MOTHER TRUCKERS! POW, POW, POW! I’M GONNA HAVE SEX WITH A COW! BANG, MOTHER TRUCKERS! BANG, BANG, BANG! I’M GONNA HAVE SEX WITH THE RAIN! YEAH! UH! GUYS, HELP ME OUT, I DON’T KNOW ANY INDIAN THINGS! BILVY, NO, THIS IS NOT RACIST AT ALL. SHUT UP. OKAY, MAYBE A LITTLE. I'M SORRY. ANYWAY, THIS ONE’S CALLED ‘BATTLE CRY OF THE COBRA.’ GAY! GAY! HOO-HA HA! PE-NIS! HOO-HA HA! GAY! GAY! HOO-HA HA! PETE WENTZ! HOO-HA HA! GAY! GAY! HOO-HA HA! I TOP! HOO-HA HA! GAY! GAY! HOO-HA HA! I’M GREAT! HOO-HA HA! GAY! GAY! HOO-HA HA! BLAZE IT! HOO-HA HA! GAY! GAY-”

There was another loud crash of thunder, and lightning illuminated the figures, who were now roughly ten feet away from them. Patrick stepped forward.

“Who, um, who… who are you? Who goes there?”

“AYEEEE! Patrick! This your dude?”

“Wait, Gabe? Gabe Saporta?”

“Yeah, it’s me! Hey, look, Patrick, we found a dude!”

Josh could see the figure in Gabe Saporta’s arms more clearly now. The figure wasn’t moving, and they wore a torn sweatshirt. They had blood painted on their face to look like some sort of Indian mask. Josh stepped closer and gasped. He knew the figure. He was about to say something, but Gerard beat him to it.

“Is that Frank?”

“Huh? Oh, I don’t know, man. It’s *potato* dark out here. The dude’s short, yeah, and… I don’t know, I mean… he’s not dead, so that’s always good, and he’s not bleeding or anything, either- we just put blood on him, 'cause we wear blood on Thursdays, apparently. I don’t know what the *potato’s up, like, is he sleeping or something? I don’t know. He wasn’t awake when we found him, so, I mean, it’s not like we were able to just ask him who he was, so. I don’t know. Maybe the dude isn’t Frank Iero, and maybe the dude is. I don’t know.”

Gerard stepped closer and grabbed the figure out of Gabe’s arms, protectively clutching Frank to his chest. “Yeah,” he said, “it’s definitely him. He’s always been a heavy sleeper.”

Gabe smirked. “I guess you’d know, huh?”

“Shut up,” Gerard said. He wasn’t really holding him like Gabe had been; it was more like if Gerard had been hugging Frank, and Frank just hadn’t been able to use his legs, or something. Gerard looked down at Frank. “Hey, Frankie, you awake?”

“*potato*,” Frank muttered. “*potato* *potato*.”

“Frankie, what happened?”

“He tried to get me? I don’t know, Gee… he was trying, and… and then he, like, was gonna, um, rip all my clothes off… or something… and he tore up my jacket, and I had this pink shirt underneath, and as soon as he saw the shirt, he ran away… I felt tired, though, and the grass… it was so comfy, Gerard… and then I woke up and Gabe Saporta was shouting about sex and Indian war cries, or something, but… his arms were really warm and nice, Gee… so I went back to bed… ‘cause why not… and now I’m here? I guess? I don’t… I don’t know… ‘m gonna go back to bed, now… night, Gerard…”

With that, Frank fell limp in Gerard’s arms again. Gerard sighed and put Frank on his shoulders. “Night, Frankie,” he whispered.

Gabe stepped forward. “There’s another thing,” he said. “This one day, Pete and I were having a meeting, right? And we got on the topic of death, for some reason. He was like, ‘Gabey-babey, when I die, look after the people I love, okay?’ And I was like, ‘Yeah, sure, dude.’ And let me also mention that he always- I mean always- talked about Mikey Way. You’d think Mikey Way was, like, a God, or something. So, over the years, I figured that Pete Wentz loved Mikey Way, and I’m pretty sure he did. We saw Pete's head by a tree somewhere, next to a backpack, so, if you guys don’t mind, me and the rest of us kind of have to take him? If that’s okay? Here's the backpack.”

Gabe threw a backpack on the ground in front of Gerard, grabbed Mikey’s arm, and slowly began walking backwards with him. “This okay? Yeah? ‘Cause I really don’t want to go to court for doing this. Kobra's legal, right? Yeah? Yeah, he is. We’re cool. Still okay? You guys are okay with this?”

Gerard looked suspiciously at Mikey, who shrugged. “It’s fine,” Gerard said. “But, um, where are you taking him?”

“To my house, dumb butt. Kobra Kid’s gotta join Cobra Starship. Meant to be. Plus, Pete wants me to look after him, so I have to, you know? Kobra Kid seems cool. Sick bass player, by the way.”

Josh saw Mikey blush. He looked up at Ray. “Sorry,” he said.

“I never wanted to be more than friends, really, so it’s okay,” Ray said, waving his hand dismissively.

“Cool. And, Gabe, my name’s just Mikey, not Kobra Kid.”

“Well,” Gabe said, “if you’re in Cobra Starship, then you’re Kobra Kid. Anyway, we’d love to stick around, but… we gotta go… um… do stuff… stuff that DEFINITELY is NOT trying to summon Pete Wentz with a ouijia board… we’re waaaay more responsible than that… very, very responsible… yeah… we promise we’ll get Kobra Kid out of here alive. Yeah. So, bye.” With that, Gabe left with Mikey and everyone else.

Gerard sighed. “They grow up so fast,” he whispered. “So fast.”

Ray grabbed Gerard’s hand and pulled him away, back towards the group. “Let’s go somewhere else,” Ray said. “If we walk in a straight line for long enough, we should end up finding an exit.”

They all left again, with Ray in front, Gerard and Frank after Ray, Patrick after Gerard and Frank, Joe after Patrick, Tyler after Joe, and Josh after Tyler. The rain had lightened up a bit, which was good. They walked in a line for several hours. It was tiresome, but it gave them all time to think. Plus, they found three boxes of granola bars in Pete’s backpack, which they were still carrying.

The sun rose, and as it climbed higher in the sky, the rain died down even more. By sunset, the rain had gone away completely. They continued walking in a straight line for a while longer. Eventually, Josh realized that they weren’t going to make it out in one day.

“Guys,” Josh said, “we should finish in the morning. We’ll never make it tonight. We’ll just get tired and pass out eventually, and we won’t know tomorrow’s rule, so Shia will eat us. We have to stop and get some sleep.”

No one seemed to want to argue with that. They walked a little longer until they found a sturdy pine tree, and all seven of them climbed up it.

“”Goodnight, Tyler,” Josh said.

“Goodnight, Jo-“

A loud bell chimed twelve times, and Shia’s voice rang out as it had before:

“On Wednesdays, we wear pink. On Thursdays, we wear blood. The last day of the week? Why, on Fridays, we wear cum!”

Josh sighed. This would be interesting.

Chapter Text

“Everybody listen up, okay?” Josh heard Ray’s voice say. “Look, most of you’ve probably had sex before, so if you want to do it again and just rub the cum on your shirt or something, that should work, I think. If you don’t want to have sex, ask someone else if you can use some of their cum. Wait- okay, okay, well, Gerard and Frank are probably going to want to make a lot of cum… and Patrick and Joe, probably… and Tyler and Jo-“

Patrick’s voice chimed in. “Me and Joe can handle it for Tyler and Josh. They’re okay.”

“Huh? Oh, well, okay.”

Josh made a mental note to thank Patrick later. Ray continued.

“I can probably just-“

“GUYS, WE GOT CUM! WHO WANTS CUM? WE GOT LOST, BUT WE HAVE EXTRA CUM, AND KOBRA KID WON’T EAT IT, EVEN THOUGH IT’D TOTALLY BE SEXY, SO DO YOU GUYS WANT IT?”

Josh didn’t have to look down to know that it was Gabe Saporta and the others again. Patrick climbed down the tree and took the bucket of semen that Gabe was holding out. He looked inside.

“Oh, gross! How did you get this much? Holy smokes! That’s a lot.”

Gabe smirked. “Kobra Kid’s got a lot in him-“

“Shut up, Gabe!”

“Fine, fine. You don’t want your big brother to know. That’s cool; I get it.”

Mikey huffed. They all left the area again, and Patrick climbed back up the tree, careful not to spill the cum bucket.

“Where are they going?” Josh called.

“I don’t *potato* know,” Patrick said. “They’ll figure it out, I guess.” He handed Josh and Tyler the bucket, since they were closest to the bottom of the tree. Josh looked inside. Tyler looked inside. They exchanged glances.

“You want to do it?” Josh asked.

“Do you want to do it?” Tyler asked.

Patrick shook his head. “No, no,” he said, “I’m sorry, I should’ve… here, I’ll do it.” Patrick dipped his hand in the bucket and wiped the cum on Tyler and Josh’s shirts.

“Thanks,” Josh said.

“Of course, Josh. I’m always here for you when you need someone to wipe cum on your shirt.”

Patrick continued moving up the tree until he reached Joe at the top. They both wiped cum on each other, but just as they finished, the bucket spilled. Gerard and Frank were soaked in cum.

Frank opened his eyes. “Huh?”

Gerard sighed. “Frankie, you’ve got cum all over you… here, let me get it…”

Gerard began licking cum off of Frank’s face. Frank began doing the same thing to Gerard. Josh turned away. He didn’t really want to see that.

“Goodnight, Tyler,” Josh said.

“Goodnight, Josh,” Tyler replied. They both fell fast asleep to the rhythmic grunts and moans of Gerard and Frank that continued throughout the night.

Chapter Text

The next morning, Josh was woken up by a loud scream. He looked and noticed that Patrick had fallen out of the tree.

“Fall out boy!” Joe shouted.

“Shut up,” Patrick grumbled. “Come down here; we should all probably eat something.”

Josh climbed down with everyone else. Once they’d all eaten their ration of granola bars, Ray stood up on a tree stump and began speaking.

“We have to get out of here. So, how are we gonna do that? If we want to escape, we have to keep moving. It’s like the fish from that thing. Just keep swimming. Except, we’re walking, not swimming. Let’s go.”

They all began walking. Ray was in front.

They walked for a few hours. After a while, Josh heard Ray call out, “We’re at the edge!”

Josh turned to Tyler. “We made it!” he said, “We made it, Tyler! It wasn’t hard at all, and only, like, five people died!”

Tyler nodded. “We can go eat burritos when we get out, and-“

Suddenly, there was a scream. Josh and Tyler ran to catch up with Ray at the edge- but instead of just an edge, they saw the edge of the forest, surrounded by Paula Deen, Donald Trump, Miley Cyrus, Kim Kardashian, and Justin Beiber- and he could see more figures going around the edge of the forest. Ray stood in front of them, his eyes wide. Joe had moved protectively in front of Patrick, and Gerard and Frank had backed away to a tree. Tyler grabbed Josh’s hand and squeezed it. Josh squeezed back.

“Um- um, excuse me, but we need to go,” Ray said.

“Already, sugar? Y'all are always leavin' so quickly. ‘Cause I seem to remember that y’all were pretty keen to leave after shooting me with a tranquilizer dart a few weeks ago.”

Chapter Text

“*potato*,” Gerard whispered. “She remembers.”

“Darn right, honey. Now, I hate to do this, but I think I’ll have to eat y’all now. Unless y’all’d like to cooperate?”

Gerard looked like he was about to say something defiant, but Ray stopped him. “Sure, Paula. We’ll cooperate.”

Paula smiled. “Great,” she said. “Y’all can follow Miley, then.”

Miley Cyrus whooped and pulled a tree branch, which Josh now recognized as a lever. Once Miley pulled it down, a small hole opened up in the ground. Miley stepped inside, beckoning Ray, Gerard, Frank, Josh, Tyler, Joe, and Patrick to follow Miley.

Josh swallowed. "Um, are you sure we can't just go back in the fore-"

Tyler poked Josh in the ribs. "We might be able to find a way out if we go down there," he hissed.

Josh still had a bad feeling about going down the hole, but if Tyler thought it was okay, then Josh would trust him. "You know what?" Josh asked, trying to sound more confident than he really was. "Let's go down there, actually, yeah. Sorry, Miley. I, uh, should've listened to you. Sorry."
Miley laughed. "You’re a cutie," she said. "If the boss don't kill you, I call dibs!" Miley walked over and hooked her arm in Josh's, pulling him over to the hole.

Josh looked over at Tyler. He didn't want a repeat of DJ Lance Rock. "Tyler," Josh said, "um- um- music videos, if we made a music video, we should, um, put- we should put, um... things to put in it could be, like... hairs... emeralds... lemons... potatoes... stuff, um, like that..."

[psa if you didn't read There's A Screen On My Chest you won't understand that but basically it's tyler and josh's secret code where they say, 'you know what would be really good stuff to put in a music video?' and then, they list off several random things, and the first letter the things start with is sort of used for the words? does that make sense? and when the speaker finishes, he says, 'you know, stuff like that.' by saying Hairs, Emeralds, Lemons, Potatoes, josh just said, 'help']

Tyler walked over to Josh and Miley. "Miley," he said, "I think- well, your boss, he sounds really cool, so do you think I could go after you guys? I'd really like to meet your boss."

Miley laughed. "We're all goin' down at once, so it don't really matter, but sure, if it makes you happy."

Tyler nodded. They all lined up behind Miley and Josh and peered into the hole.

"How are we getting down?" Tyler asked.

"We're takin' the elevator."

Josh looked down and gasped. There was an elevator, dangling by one cord, swinging from side to side.

"Sugar, we're goin' down swinging," Josh heard Joe say.

Josh swallowed. This wouldn't end well.

Chapter Text

Miley pulled Josh into the elevator, and Tyler followed close behind. The others slowly stepped in as well. Miley pushed a button inside, and the elevator suddenly lurched so they were all diagonal, which probably wasn’t good.

“It’s fine,” Miley said. “It’s only attached to the cables by one side, so it gets a little crazy. Oh, look! We’re here!”

Miley pried open the doors with her fingers and pulled Josh out. The others walked out, too.

Josh gasped. They were in some sort of throne room, and it was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. There was a hole in the center of the room.

“BOOOOOSSSS!” Miley screamed, “I’ve got runners!”

All of a sudden, a head popped up from the hole. It was Shia LaBeouf.

“Oh! Oh, these are my favorites, Ms. Cyrus! Oh, thank you!”

Miley grinned. “Don’t kill the red-haired one, though, ‘cause he’s mine, alright? If you do kill him, I call dibs-“

Someone else climbed out of the hole. Her wrists were tied together, and she had a menacing look on her face. “Miley,” she growled, “what’s good?” It was Nicki Minaj.

Miley laughed. “Joshy is my boyfriend now,” she announced.

Josh began breathing heavily. This was just like last time. He didn’t want it to be like last time. He gave Nicki a pleading look.

Nicki walked over and spat in Miley’s face. She ripped the rope around her wrists with her teeth and spread her arms out, separating Josh, Tyler, Joe, Patrick, Gerard, Ray, and Frank from Miley and Shia.

“Ain’t nobody doing nothing with my babies.”

Miley narrowed her eyes. “Joshy, come here,” Miley said.

Tyler hugged Josh to his chest. “He’s not going anywhere,” Tyler said.

Nicki nodded. “None of mama’s babies are going nowhere. Y’all got that?”

Miley opened her mouth to protest, when suddenly, Shia whipped out a gun and tossed it to Miley. Miley whooped and shot Ray in the head.

In a span of about two seconds, Nicki had pinned Miley with the gun to her forehead. “*potato* try anything, you *potato*. *potato* *potato*. Nobody messes with Nicki’s babies.”

Shia ran forward, but Nicki simply looked at him and said, “Do you want me to shoot her?”

Shia frowned. “But you’re my friend, Nicki.”

Nicki shook her head. She was shaking with rage. “You’re a *potato*. Trust me, Mr. LaBitch, nobody wants to be friends with you. It doesn’t exactly help if you try murdering them, either. Now, you’re gonna go back in your little hole, and you’re not gonna come back up until you’ve counted to a hundred. Got it?”

Shia nodded. “Hide and seek with my friends! I like that game!” He went down the hole, and Nicki redirected her attention to Miley.

“Now, back to this *potato* who had a lot to say about me in the press yesterday,” Nicki said.

Miley laughed nervously. “Nicki, what-“

“Don’t you dare call me Nicki. Don’t you dare talk to me. See that kid over there? He ain’t your boyfriend. He’s asexual, and he’s gay, for God’s sakes. He specifically told you he didn’t want to date you, and what do you do? You make him uncomfortable and call ‘dibs.’ There ain’t no such thing as dibs, Miley. Not in the real world. Do you know what there is in the real world?”

Nicki paused and cocked the gun.

“In the real world, there are two kinds of people. There are *potato*s like you, and there are people like me who gotta stop ‘em from *potato*ing at everyone else. There are bullets. There are *potato*holes. And there’s death.”

With that, Nicki Minaj shot Miley Cyrus in the boob, making the bullet go straight to her heart and instantly killing her.

Chapter Text

Nicki stood up and looked at Josh. “You okay, honey?”

Josh let out a breath, and Tyler gripped him tighter. “You okay, Josh?”

Josh nodded.

“Then we gotta go, okay? We’re gonna go and get out of here. Okay?”

“Okay,” Josh whispered.

Nicki frowned. “Is he okay? Like, really okay?”

“He was almost raped by a psychotic pedophile in an orange suit who was then eaten right in front of him by Paula Deen,” Tyler said.

Nicki nodded. “I get it,” she said. “Now, come on. Let’s go.”

They all went to the elevator and started to go inside. Josh turned and looked at Ray's limp form on the ground. He looked up at Tyler, who was still clutching him to his chest.

“Tyler-“ Josh couldn’t get anything else out before bursting into tears.

Tyler patted Josh’s head and pulled Josh inside, pushing the “up” button. “It’s okay,” Tyler said. “It’s okay. DJ’s not coming back. Miley's not coming back either. Nobody's going to do anything to you. Okay?”

Josh nodded. He tried to stop crying, but he couldn’t. It was too much. He was too overwhelmed. He’d seen too much death. Too much pain. Too much sex. Too much of everything.

Finally, the elevator stopped, and the doors opened.

Paula Deen was on the other side of the doors, waiting for them.

“Bet those tears are salty, huh? Bet they’d taste real fine with meat as fresh as y'all.”

Chapter Text

“No!” Josh shouted, “No! Not again, not-“

“Why? Is there a problem, hon’? I don’t see any problems, except for the fact that y’all ain’t in my stomach yet! Ha!”

All of a sudden, Nicki Minaj came up behind them. “Get back,” she said to Tyler, Josh, Gerard, Frank, Patrick, and Joe. They all took a few steps backward.

Donald Trump, Miley Cyrus, Kim Kardashian, and Justin Beiber stood on the edge of the forest, and Paula Deen was in front of them. Tyler, Josh, Patrick, Joe, Frank, and Gerard were about ten feet away from them, with Nicki Minaj in front. Nicki and Paula were practically nose to nose, circling each other as though in a wrestling match.

“Ain’t nobody eating my boys,” Nicki growled.

“I’ll be the judge of that... ONIKA!”

Nicki gasped. “How do you know my real name?”

“I know a lot of things, honey. I know everything.”

“Well- well, that won’t help you in this case… PAULA! Ha! I know your name, too!”

“Everyone knows my name! I never changed it!”

“Well, I never ate a rapist in front of the kid he tried to rape!”

“Oooooooh,” murmured Paula’s side.

“Well,” Paula said, “I never called Miley Cyrus a *potato*!”

Nicki froze. “Really? You think that was bad?” She snorted.

“Well- well-“

Suddenly, Paula spoke without a southern accent. It was a Korean one. A man’s voice.

“oh, *potato* it. *potato* it all. *potato* this stupid *potato* accent and all of that nasty *potato* food and the tv shows and the everything. *potato* it all! You are all worse than my people were! You are *potato*s! And I am here to end it!”

Paula stopped, breathing heavily, and ripped off her clothes. Underneath them was nothing but a speedo.

“I am not Paula Deen! I am Kim Jong-Un, ruler of North Korea! And I am here to end you all!”

Chapter Text

“Never,” Nicki Minaj growled.

All of a sudden, Rick Astley burst into the area. “NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP-“

Rick fell silent when Kim shot him in the head with a small shot gun.

“What the *potato* was that?” Kim asked.

Nicki narrowed her eyes at him.

“You know what? It does not matter! I will kill you all now!”

“Oh, no you won’t-“

Then, Kim shot Nicki, too.

“Mr. Jong-un,” Patrick whispered, “please, we don’t- we don’t mean any trouble-“

Kim raised the shot gun and shot Patrick- well, almost. Joe pulled Patrick backwards, causing Patrick to very narrowly avoid the bullet.

Kim forced a smile and exhaled. “Now,” he said in a voice way too calm, “do I have your attention?”

Nobody said anything.

“Good, good… now, I have a small problem. I am supposed to guard the forest to make sure that no one escapes. Do you know what happens when people escape?”

Silence again.

“I’ll tell you about Mrs. Deen, then. She escaped, so I had to track her down. She was in the middle of another forest! Ha! And she was eating a man! I shot her and climbed into her skin, and then, I came back. And now, look at you all! Trying to escape! I shall hunt you down and wear your skins as well! For if I let you escape, the boss will eat me!”

Josh grabbed Tyler’s hand. “Shia,” he whispered. “It’s been way more than a hundred seconds, Tyler.”

“*potato*.” Tyler and Josh began backing up. Patrick, Joe, Gerard, and Frank did, too.

“That is right. Back to the forest, children. Back to the forest.”

Suddenly, Shia burst up out of the hole. “IT’S MIDNIGHT!” he shouted. He raced to a tree, climbed it, and pushed a big red button. Speakers erupted from the trunk, and a hole appeared in the tree with a microphone inside it. Shia grabbed the microphone and began speaking.

“On Wednesdays, we wear pink! On Thursdays, we wear blood! The last day of the week? Why, on Fridays, we wear cum! But now, it’s the weekend! That came quickly for us! What do we wear now? On Saturdays, we wear pus!”

Everyone gasped. Tyler turned to look Josh in the eyes. “Run,” he said. “Run!”

They all began running, but they weren’t fast enough. Shia had leapt out of the tree and grabbed Patrick.

“Now, now,” Shia said, “it seems this fellow’s the only one wearing pus. Good job, young man.”

Patrick breathed faster. “Th- thank you,” he whispered.

“Hush, boy! Now, as I was saying, none of you are wearing pus. That’s a shame indeed, hmm? Well, I can’t eat all of you, or my tummy will get funny!” Shia giggled. “So, I don’t think Patty minds sharing, right?”

Patrick swallowed. “Sharing is caring,” he whispered.

Shia’s face lit up. “Yes! Sharing is caring, Patty!” With that, before any of them could react, Shia had pulled out a knife and pressed it to the spot about an inch above Patrick’s stump. He giggled again.

“Patty likes to share!”

Josh saw Patrick look at Joe, his eyes wild. Joe took a step closer to Shia. Shia pressed the knife into Patrick’s flesh, and Patrick cried out.

“What’s wrong, Patty? Don’t you like to share?”

Patrick seemed close to hyperventilating now. “I- yeah, Mr. LaBeouf, I do- but- not when it involves body parts, I-“

“Well, that’s not very good manners, then, is it?”

“I- Mr. LaBeouf, please-“

All of a sudden, Gabe Saporta burst in with Mikey Way.

“Enough!” Gabe shouted, shaking with rage. “You’ve gotten Victoria. You've gotten Nate. You've gotten Eric. You've gotten Andy. You've gotten anything and everything I ever cared about- except Mikey, I mean. You- you even got the ham. I told you not to get the ham, Shia! Don't get the ham! Shia LaBeouf, I've had enough! No more of your stupid games! No more-”

Shia released Patrick and shot Gabe Saporta in the stomach. Gabe fell to the ground, and everyone ran forward. Mikey fell to his knees, sobbing. “Gabe,” he whispered, “don’t die, please, don’t die-“

Gabe grabbed Mikey’s hand and squeezed it.

“Mmmm, whatcha say?” Gabe began singing. “Mmm, that you only meant-“ he paused and erupted into a coughing fit.

“Gabe-“

“That you only meant well? Well, of course you did. Mmm, whatcha- whatcha say?” A tear trickled down Gabe’s cheek.

“That it’s all for the best? Because-“ Gabe fell silent, unable to finish.

“Because it is,” Mikey sang softly. Gabe smiled weakly. "No viva la cobra," he whispered. "Viva la Kobra... Kid." His eyes fluttered shut. Gabe Saporta was dead.

Chapter Text

Mikey fell on top of Gabe’s body, shaking. “No,” he whispered through his sobs.

Shia walked over to the group. “Have you forgotten me?” he asked. “I’m right here, you know. I’m still waiting for Patty to share-“

Joe shook his head and pulled Patrick behind him. “Patrick’s not sharing.”

“Maybe Gabey-babey wants to, then, since he's already-“

“Nobody’s gonna share,” Josh said, his voice filled with rage he didn’t know he had inside him. “Nobody.”

Shia frowned. “Well… if nobody wants to share… I might have to steal…”

Josh swallowed. Steal? What was Shia going to-

Suddenly, Josh was falling on the ground in front of Shia, and there was a knife, and it was like, an inch away from his chest. He tried to get up, but some unseen force was pinning him to the ground. He managed to lift his head, and he saw the others heaped in a huge pile, and nobody could move. Shia LaBeouf was going to murder Josh, and he had a knife, and Shia’s hands were around Josh’s neck, and- oh, god, Josh couldn't breathe...

Josh didn’t like it; he didn’t like it at all, and he tried to scream, but nothing would come out, and everything was getting black. He heard Tyler screaming, "Stay alive, Josh! Stay alive!" but nobody could move, and Josh couldn’t do anything but lay there and suffocate, and he couldn’t breathe or move or anything God *potato* it, and-

“Go to sleep, Joshy-Woshy,” Shia whispered.

So Joshy-Woshy did.

Chapter Text

Black.

Everything was black.

There was nothing… except black.

Josh was… dead?

Wasn’t there some sort of afterlife, or- was there even a God?

He’d seen angels back in the forest, so he knew they were real, but… there was nothing here.

Josh sighed. All those years, going to church and everything, and God didn’t even exist. There was no Heaven or Purgatory… nothing.

There was just blackness.

Black.

God, at this point, Josh would welcome Hell, even. Something. This blackness… it was suffocating, and he couldn’t stand it…

He lifted his hand in front of him, but he couldn’t even see that.

Josh decided to focus on himself. He seemed to still be in his body, so that was… cool?

No, scratch that. Josh was hot. Not hot-hot, but like, warm. Wherever he was, it was warm, God dang it. Painfully warm. Josh stood up. He began walking around, looking for any clue as to where he was. He held his arms out in front of him.

All of a sudden, Josh’s hand bumped into a burning-hot wall. He jerked his hand away.

Great. He was trapped inside a huge, black, burning box.

Josh decided to see how big it was. He began walking the length of the wall.

Five of his feet.

The next wall was four of his feet.

The next was five.

The next was… four of his feet, but it wasn’t as hot as it was by the other walls. Josh gingerly reached out his hand and placed it on the wall. It felt like glass, or… it was like, if you opened an oven door and touched the inside of the oven door, that’s what it would-

*potato*.

Josh wasn’t dead.

Josh was baking in a giant oven.

Chapter Text

Josh bit his lip and tried to think. He was in… an oven… and he was being cooked…

So, basically, he was *potato*ed. Just *potato*ing *potato*ed.

Josh ran his fingers through his hair and sat down. There was nothing he could do, really. He was trapped in an oven.

Suddenly, Josh became aware of something squishy inside each of his ears. He reached his fingers up and felt two earplugs. *potato*. He pulled them out and heard an oven timer ticking, along with three voices outside.

“So, you’ve got him? He’s in there?”
“Yes, Mr. Trump, sir. He is out cold. Little weakling.”
“Aw. Almost makes me kind of sad that we’ll have to eat him, you know.”
“Okay, no. No. He deserves to be eaten. His friend killed DJ. The literal leader of the group. He deserves what he is getting.”
“Well… let’s make it quick, then, okay? He- he is dead, right?”
“Well…”
“*potato*, Shia, don’t tell me you and Kim didn’t kill him. He’s not alive in there, is he?”
“I don’t think he is.”
“Oh, that’s reassuring.”
“No, it’s okay. We put black contact lenses on him and earplugs in his ears.”
“Yes, for all he knows, he’s just died and gone to Hell or something.”
"Well, that's not any better."

Josh groaned internally. Contacts. He put his fingers to his eyes and pulled the contact lenses off, and suddenly, the oven was flooded with light. The door was tinted, so he could see out, but nobody on the outside could see in. There was no other door anywhere. He was standing on a cardboard tray. That was probably why his feet weren’t burned to crisps.

“What’s his name, again?”
“Joshua Dun-“
“It’s Joshy-Woshy, Mr. Trump.”
“Thank you, Shia. Kim… we use their real names, remember? He is not ‘Joshua Dun.’ He is Joshy-Woshy.”
“My apologies, Mr. Trump.”
“God, Kim, you always ruin everything… you’re the one who let Paula Deen escape, you know.”
“Yes, but I am the one who recruited her to help us, and she is great, no?”
“Well- yeah, she can cook really well, but… okay, never mind. Paula can cook. I gotta admit that. She’s pretty valuable. Where is she, anyway?”
“Oh, she’s frying that guy who wouldn’t shut up about cobras. We made sure he was dead, though. Gabe, I think-“
“Hey, Donny, could we make one of the hostage videos? Where we take a video of him screaming and send it to his friends and tell them to come save him? But then we eat him anyway, and then they come to save him, and we eat them too?”
“Don’t call me Donny, Shia. It’s Mr. Trump. Donald, if you have to. Also, we can’t do a hostage video. Those are so clichéd. That's too main-stream for us.”

Josh stood up again and began pacing. He had to get out. They were frying Gabe Saporta. Oh, God. At least he was dead... he didn't have to suffer...

God, it was hot. Josh walked to the edge of the door and sighed. He’d wait until they opened it, and then, he’d jump out-

Suddenly, Josh saw a huge bomb go off. The whole room was filled with gas, and some started trickling into the oven. Shia, Donald Trump, and Kim collapsed to the ground. Four figures ran into the room wearing gas masks.

Dallon Weekes, Ryan Ross, Jon Walker, and Spencer Smith.

Chapter Text

Josh began pounding on the oven door. His hands were burning, but he didn’t care. He had to let them know he was in there. He had to get out. They couldn’t see him from the outside, so he’d have to make them hear him. Josh began getting dizzy. The gas was growing thick in the oven.

Josh clenched his jaw. He wouldn’t give in. No more sleep. Not now. He pounded as hard as he could.

Pound, pound, pound. Pound, pound, pound. Pound… sleep… no. No. Pound, pound… Spencer?

Spencer pulled Josh out of the oven and carried him over to Dallon, Ryan, and Jon. Ryan shoved a gas mask at Josh, who quickly put it on.

“Where’s Tyler?”

“He’s outside with the others. He’s fine.”

Jon, Ryan, Dallon, and Spencer were all wearing red State Farm uniforms. Josh pointed at them and raised an eyebrow.

“We’ll explain on the way back,” Jon said.

They began sprinting out of the building.

“Okay,” Jon began, “so, Brendon Urie obviously didn’t think any of us were good enough for him. He didn’t seem into any relationships between us and him. Friendships-“ Spencer huffed. “or actual love relationships-“

“Shut up, okay? He’s just an *potato*hole, and I’m over him. I’m the one who ended things. I don’t need him. He needs me. He needs me so badly, and he just doesn’t-“

“Ryan, shush. We get it.”

“Fine,” Ryan said. “Anyway, we decided to band together and show him that we don’t need the- the most handsome… the actual hottest guy on the planet…”

“Ryan!”

“Okay, okay. Geez. Sorry. So, we decided we didn’t need Brendon Urie, and we opened up a State Farm store, and now, we’re insurance employees. Woo-hoo.”

“Shut up, Ryan. You know you like it. Plus, we have these crazy teleporting powers now.”

“I don’t care, Jon. I hate it. We should’ve just started another band.”

“Well- oh, we’re out!”

They’d reached the door. They burst into the forest, and Josh saw the others waiting about sixty feet away.

“DO THE JINGLE!” Spencer screamed.

Dallon grabbed Josh’s arm, and Josh heard someone faintly singing, “Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there!” and there was a loud swishing noise, and then he, Spencer, Dallon, Jon, and Ryan were right in front of the others, and Tyler ran and practically crushed Josh in a hug, and somebody screamed, “DO THE JINGLE AGAIN!” and Gerard was shouting, “LIKE A GOOD NEIGHBOR, STATE FARM IS THERE-” and Ryan was shouting, “ANYWHERE BUT HERE!” and Josh shut his eyes tightly, and there was another loud swishing noise…

 

Josh opened his eyes and gasped. They were no longer in a forest. They were in a house.

A cottage.

Sitting in the corner of the cottage sat a shriveled creature with only three fingers on each hand, smiling as he pointed with one of them at Patrick’s bloody stump.

“You… like it when the red water... comes out? Oh... what fun… I do, too… we’ll all be the best of friends, I should think...”