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'The Avengers' is Just a Frost Giant Way of Saying 'Bromance'

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Steve, I bought a fondue set today.

- Tony

 

That’s... lovely, but we never have fondue. Melted cheese is a poor representation of the American dream.

- Steve

 

No, Steve. I don’t think you understand.

- Tony

 

I bought a FONDUE SET.

- Tony

 

;)

- Tony

 

... probably shouldn’t have invited Fury round for fondue, then.

- Steve

 

Oh God.

- Tony

 

Where is your God now, Rogers?

- Tony

 

God would not allow this to happen.

- Tony

 

I’m sorry. I guess I haven’t quite got the hang of euphemisms yet.

- Steve

 

Or innuendo.

- Steve

 

Are you still there?

- Steve

 

Yeah, sorry. Just killing myself.

- Tony

 

I’ll cancel! It’s no big deal.

- Steve

 

You have no idea. I fully expect to get a typo-ridden text from Fury telling me he had no idea I was interested in him sexually. Any minute now, Rogers. Any minute now.

- Tony

 

I really am sorry. I’ll make it up to you.

- Steve

 

I expect a LOT of fondue.

- Tony

 

And actual fondue, too.

- Tony

 

I need the sweet tendrils of melted chocolate to warm the cockles of my (literally) shattered heart.

- Tony

 

You’re not demanding at all. Really.

- Steve

 

*

 

Stark! I never knew you were interested in me sexually.

- Fury

 

Ha. I didn’t see that coming. Really. Took me by complete surprise.

- Tony

 

If I knew that you ladies wanted me like THAT, I’d have used my feminine charms to get you to behave during debriefs.

- Fury

 

Ooh, don’t say ‘debriefs’, Nick. You’re getting my panties in a twist.

- Tony

 

I’m devastated to see that you’ve rectified your Autocorrect, by the way. Your innuendo-laden texts really brightened up my morning, if you get what I mean ;)

- Tony

 

Now, Stark. Don’t want Rogers to get jealous.

- Fury

 

He definitely will, knowing that you’ve been texting me and not him.

- Tony

 

I’ll rectify that, don’t worry. What, you thought I was going to rib you about this but not him?

- Fury

 

I feared so.

- Tony

 

And don’t say ‘rib’, gives me a warm feeling in my downstairs area.

- Tony

 

*

 

I can’t believe you fell for it. Again. Brother, does your idiocy know no bounds?

- Loki

 

IT IS NOT IDIOCY, BROTHER. IT IS TRUST.

- Thor

 

Yes, rooted in idiocy.

- Loki

 

:(

- Thor

 

BEHOLD, I AM SAD

- Thor

 

Oh, brother.

- Loki

 

YES?

- Thor

 

And people wonder why I feared you were not suitable to take the throne of Asgard. The realm needs a noble and valiant king, not a bearded goat with a hammer.

- Loki

 

:’(

- Thor

 

BEHOLD, TEARS

- Thor

 

BROTHER?

- Thor

 

WILL YOU LET ME OUT OF THIS ROOM NOW? IT SMELLS LIKE FROST GIANT

- Thor

 

BROTHER?

- Thor

 

LOKI?

- Thor

 

PERHAPS YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN THAT YOU HAVE LOCKED ME HERE

- Thor

 

I SHALL WAIT HERE, THEN

- Thor

 

Yes, do.

- Loki

 

*

 

I got an interesting text from Fury earlier.

- Natasha

 

Oh, darn. I’m so embarrassed. I think I’m going to bury my head in the sand for a few days.

- Steve

 

I would if I were you.

- Natasha

 

I wish I weren’t me, sometimes.

- Steve

 

Now come on. If you weren’t you, you might not be someone with great abs.

- Natasha

 

I think I’d cope. I managed admirably before.

- Steve

 

I might end up as someone who actually understood modern life.

- Steve

 

Steve, a pity party is the worst kind of party. All those tears make for really bad wine. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

- Natasha

 

Tony would make an innuendo out of that.

- Steve

 

He would, and I’d hit him over the head. You two are so sweet together that when I look at you I worry I’m going to develop diabetes and tooth cavities. So you don’t get all his rude references. You know what? I wish I didn’t.

- Natasha

 

If you ever show anyone that text, I will cut off both your legs and beat you to death with them.

- Natasha

 

But really. You two are good together. You sort of balance each other out.

- Natasha

 

Wow. I don’t know what to say, really.

- Steve

 

‘Thank you’?

- Natasha

 

Thanks.

- Steve

 

Don’t mention it.

- Natasha

 

But do mention it, because I might need to call in a favour in the next few days.

- Natasha

 

You’re welcome.

- Natasha

 

*

 

TODAY HAS BEEN LESS THAN ENJOYABLE. I SACRIFICED FOUR OXEN AND STILL I DO NOT FEEL BETTER

- Thor

 

What happened? Are you all right? Do you need to come by and blow something up?

- Bruce

 

IT IS HARD TO EXPLAIN

- Thor

 

IT INVOLVES MY BROTHER

- Thor

 

Well, that’s less than reassuring. You can come by if you want. Honest. I’ve got a massive diamond that Tony gave me as a joke a few months ago. It’s almost the size of a cow. Said it was an engagement ring for the Hulk, the bastard. Pretty much the hardest element there is. You can smash it up if you want. Might make you feel better.

- Bruce

 

I DO NOT THINK IT WOULD HELP

- Thor

 

Aw, c’mon. It’s really hard. You can smash it into a million tiny pieces if it helps.

- Bruce

 

A MILLION?

- Thor

 

Yes. Approximately, of course.

- Bruce

 

TINY PIECES?

- Thor

 

Yup.

- Bruce

 

HOW TINY?

- Thor

 

Very.

- Bruce

 

TEENY TINY?

- Thor

 

Jesus, yes, if it would help you relieve some stress.

- Bruce

 

You can smash it into microscopic little shards and then I’ll tell Tony that it’s a Tony-sized engagement ring.

- Bruce

 

I WILL BE THERE AS SOON AS I HAVE CONVINCED LOKI TO UNLOCK THIS DOOR

- Thor

 

You’re locked in somewhere? Christ, where?

- Bruce

 

I BELIEVE YOU MIDGARDIANS WOULD CALL IT ‘A PUBLIC BATHROOM’

- Thor

 

Oh, God.

- Bruce

 

YES. IT IS A MOST UNSUITABLE PRISON FOR ONE OF THOSE

- Thor

 

Where is this bathroom, exactly?

- Bruce

 

SOMEONE HAS WRITTEN ‘BROOKLYN BANDITS FO’ LYF’ ON THE DOOR. I BELIEVE IT TO BE FROST GIANT CODE

- Thor

 

OK, so Brooklyn. I’ll get Stark to track the GPS on your phone or something.

- Bruce

 

I’ll be there soon, OK?

- Bruce

 

ALL RIGHT

- Thor

 

I THANK YOU, FOR THERE IS A DEFINITE LINGERING ODOUR. I AM UNCERTAIN AS TO WHAT IT IS

- Thor

 

OH. I HAVE JUST REALISED WHAT IT IS

- Thor

 

ANY TIME YOU WOULD LIKE TO ARRIVE HERE WOULD BE AMENABLE

- Thor

 

PREFERABLY NOW

- Thor

 

*

 

I’m sorry, I can’t make it to your fondue night tonight as I’m busy being heterosexual.

- Fury

 

I never made fun of you for your accidentally rude texts. Remember when you couldn’t work out how to use Automatic Correction or whatever it’s called?

- Steve

 

I was the only one who didn’t take pictures and send them to everyone.

- Steve

 

There is no loyalty amongst the bros of S.H.I.E.L.D, Rogers. Ask Coulson.

- Fury

 

I’m sure I can prove you wrong.

- Steve

 

You’re sure? Want to bet on it?

- Fury

 

Sure. $50.

- Steve

 

Fifty? You sure, now?

- Fury

 

As can be.

- Steve

 

All right, Rogers. You’re on.

- Fury

 

Not for tonight, though. I’m washing my hair.

- Fury

 

You don’t have any.

- Steve

 

I’m sorry, that was low.

- Steve

 

I’m so winning this.

- Fury

 

*

 

Are you sure you don’t want to come to mine after all? You can use my shower. It’s fine. I don’t mind.

- Bruce

 

I THANK YOU, BUT I WOULD RATHER NOT

- Thor

 

I WILL NOT MAKE SUCH EXCELLENT COMPANY AS USUAL

- Thor

 

You are pretty excellent company, it’s true.

- Bruce

 

Look, something’s wrong. What is it? You can tell me. I’m not going to laugh or judge you or anything. Well, unless it’s funny.

- Bruce

 

I’m kidding, by the way. I won’t mock you. Promise.

- Bruce

 

I know it’s Loki.

- Bruce

 

Ignoring me isn’t going to help.

- Bruce

 

Are all Asgardians this childish or is it a family thing?

- Bruce

 

*

 

Are you coming home at some point today? I’ve got the fondue kit all set up and waiting.

- Tony

 

And yes, by that, I do actually mean a normal fondue kit. You don’t even need to be naked to use it.

- Tony

 

I’ll be home later. I’m just sorting through some things with Coulson.

- Steve

 

Things? Like what?

- Tony

 

How to maim or seriously injure Fury, mostly.

- Steve

 

And you didn’t invite me? I’m wounded.

- Tony

 

Not as wounded as he will be soon, hopefully.

- Steve

 

He’s still being a dick, huh?

- Tony

 

Yes, you could say that.

- Steve

 

Hmm.

- Tony

 

‘Hmm’? What does that mean?

- Steve

 

It means, and I’m going to quote the dictionary definition here, Cap, ‘hmm’.

- Tony

 

Right. If you’re done being cryptic, I should be home in about fifteen minutes.

- Steve

 

I will disrobe in preparation.

- Tony

 

But you said... never mind.

- Steve

 

I said you didn’t HAVE to be naked. I didn’t say I wasn’t going to be.

- Tony

 

;)

- Tony

 

Dear God. Thank the Lord that Fury isn’t coming round.

- Steve

 

*

 

I MUST ASK SOMETHING OF YOU

- Thor

 

Ask away, oh great one.

- Clint

 

I FEAR IT WILL SOUND FOOLISH

- Thor

 

Totally used to that, big guy. Go right ahead.

- Clint

 

THAT IS THE PROBLEM, FRIEND CLINT. I FEAR THAT I AM CONSIDERED FOOLISH BY MOST MIDGARDIANS

- Thor

 

Oh. Right.

- Clint

 

IS THIS THE CASE?

- Thor

 

Um. I don’t know if I’d say ‘foolish’, per se...

- Clint

 

But yeah. Basically. Sorry, dude.

- Clint

 

DO YOU THINK ME FOOLISH?

- Thor

 

No! No, you’re not. I mean, you’re gonna be the king of Asgard one day, right? You can’t be that dumb if they’re giving you permission to rule over all those big, muscular people. They’re trusting you with something. That’s got to say something, right?

- Clint

 

I AM UNSURE

- Thor

 

PERHAPS I AM AS FOOLISH AS MY BROTHER SAYS

- Thor

 

Look. If you want my opinion on it, you’re not stupid. It’s just culture shock, you know?

- Clint

 

I DO NOT FOLLOW

- Thor

 

AS USUAL

- Thor

 

Right. OK. Let me explain this to you.

- Clint

 

When I was 21, I went to Paris. Stayed in a fancy hotel, ate in posh restaurants, the works. One day, I go down for breakfast and they’ve run out of jam. I want me some of that delicious continental breakfast, so I switch into French mode, flag down a waitress and ask – and I’ll always remember these words – ‘excusez-moi, mais avez-vous des préservatifs?’ And she slaps me. Right in the face. Turns out I’d asked for condoms.

- Clint

 

THAT IS INDEED AN UNFORTUNATE INCIDENT, BUT I DO NOT SEE THE RELEVANCE

- Thor

 

Well, you know. You’re new to these parts. You aren’t 100% sure of everything. Sometimes you make mistakes. It’s like when I asked for condoms instead of jam, get it? I didn’t make that mistake because I was dumb. I just hadn’t adapted to the language and stuff. You’re just figuring stuff out here on Earth. Erm, Midgard. You’ll get used to it.

- Clint

 

Although you may want to ease up on the all caps. Don’t think that’s helping.

- Clint

 

FRIEND CLINT, YOU ARE TRULY A MAN OF HONOR AND VALOR

- Thor

 

I UNDERSTAND NOW. I AM NOT THE FOOL AT ALL! IT IS YOU MIDGARDIANS AND YOUR PETTY, TRIFLING RITUALS WHO ARE THE TRUE MASTERS OF FOLLY

- Thor

 

Erm, no, not exactly what I was saying...

- Clint

 

I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT YOU ASKED FOR SEXUAL PRECAUTIONARY DEVICES INSTEAD OF A DELICIOUS FRUITY SPREAD

- Thor

 

HO, WHAT A FROST GIANT YOU MUST HAVE LOOKED!

- Thor

 

I MUST TELL EVERYONE IMMEDIATELY

- Thor

 

You’re the worst Asgardian I’ve ever met, and the only other one I know tried to brainwash and kill me.

- Clint

 

*

 

Operation In-YOUR-end-o is a go. I repeat, the Operation is in motion.

- Tony

 

Pardon? I don’t understand.

- Steve

 

You will.

- Tony

 

*

 

I WOULD JUST LIKE TO TELL YOU THAT I AM ON MY WAY TO VISIT YOU

- Thor

 

Oh, OK. Not having a strop any more, then?

- Bruce

 

NO. IT IS NOT BECOMING OF A MAN OF MY INTELLIGENCE

- Thor

 

IS THAT WHY YOU MEDITATE SO FREQUENTLY, FRIEND BRUCE?

- Thor

 

Yeah, definitely. That’s the reason. We geniuses have it hard, don’t we?

- Bruce

 

WE CERTAINLY DO

- Thor

 

:)

- Thor

 

BEHOLD, I AM SMILING!

- Thor

 

:)

- Thor

 

:)

- Bruce

 

*

 

Stork, what have you dope to my phone? Change it crack intercrurally!

- Fury

 

I have done nothing. Nick, I’m devastated that you would accuse me of something. The texts we shared this morning were so special.

- Tony

 

This isn’t fluffy, Stork! I nerd this phone for wank!

- Fury

 

*WORK

- Fury

 

Damnit, Stork!

- Fury

 

Just so you know, I’m printscreening this and e-mailing it to everyone at S.H.I.E.L.D as we speak.

- Tony

 

Why? I haven’t dope anyone!

- Fury

 

FUCK. *DONE ANYTHING.

- Fury

 

Well, that’s true. You haven’t apologised to Steve, for a start.

- Tony

 

Motherfuckers!

- Fury

 

Nick, that’s not very nice.

- Tony

 

Oh, and you owe Steve $50.

- Tony

 

You bat wand!

- Fury

 

*BASTARD

- Fury

 

 He’ll take a cheque.

- Tony