Work Text:
Steve, I bought a fondue set today.
- Tony
That’s... lovely, but we never have fondue. Melted cheese is a poor representation of the American dream.
- Steve
No, Steve. I don’t think you understand.
- Tony
I bought a FONDUE SET.
- Tony
;)
- Tony
... probably shouldn’t have invited Fury round for fondue, then.
- Steve
Oh God.
- Tony
Where is your God now, Rogers?
- Tony
God would not allow this to happen.
- Tony
I’m sorry. I guess I haven’t quite got the hang of euphemisms yet.
- Steve
Or innuendo.
- Steve
Are you still there?
- Steve
Yeah, sorry. Just killing myself.
- Tony
I’ll cancel! It’s no big deal.
- Steve
You have no idea. I fully expect to get a typo-ridden text from Fury telling me he had no idea I was interested in him sexually. Any minute now, Rogers. Any minute now.
- Tony
I really am sorry. I’ll make it up to you.
- Steve
I expect a LOT of fondue.
- Tony
And actual fondue, too.
- Tony
I need the sweet tendrils of melted chocolate to warm the cockles of my (literally) shattered heart.
- Tony
You’re not demanding at all. Really.
- Steve
*
Stark! I never knew you were interested in me sexually.
- Fury
Ha. I didn’t see that coming. Really. Took me by complete surprise.
- Tony
If I knew that you ladies wanted me like THAT, I’d have used my feminine charms to get you to behave during debriefs.
- Fury
Ooh, don’t say ‘debriefs’, Nick. You’re getting my panties in a twist.
- Tony
I’m devastated to see that you’ve rectified your Autocorrect, by the way. Your innuendo-laden texts really brightened up my morning, if you get what I mean ;)
- Tony
Now, Stark. Don’t want Rogers to get jealous.
- Fury
He definitely will, knowing that you’ve been texting me and not him.
- Tony
I’ll rectify that, don’t worry. What, you thought I was going to rib you about this but not him?
- Fury
I feared so.
- Tony
And don’t say ‘rib’, gives me a warm feeling in my downstairs area.
- Tony
*
I can’t believe you fell for it. Again. Brother, does your idiocy know no bounds?
- Loki
IT IS NOT IDIOCY, BROTHER. IT IS TRUST.
- Thor
Yes, rooted in idiocy.
- Loki
:(
- Thor
BEHOLD, I AM SAD
- Thor
Oh, brother.
- Loki
YES?
- Thor
And people wonder why I feared you were not suitable to take the throne of Asgard. The realm needs a noble and valiant king, not a bearded goat with a hammer.
- Loki
:’(
- Thor
BEHOLD, TEARS
- Thor
BROTHER?
- Thor
WILL YOU LET ME OUT OF THIS ROOM NOW? IT SMELLS LIKE FROST GIANT
- Thor
BROTHER?
- Thor
LOKI?
- Thor
PERHAPS YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN THAT YOU HAVE LOCKED ME HERE
- Thor
I SHALL WAIT HERE, THEN
- Thor
Yes, do.
- Loki
*
I got an interesting text from Fury earlier.
- Natasha
Oh, darn. I’m so embarrassed. I think I’m going to bury my head in the sand for a few days.
- Steve
I would if I were you.
- Natasha
I wish I weren’t me, sometimes.
- Steve
Now come on. If you weren’t you, you might not be someone with great abs.
- Natasha
I think I’d cope. I managed admirably before.
- Steve
I might end up as someone who actually understood modern life.
- Steve
Steve, a pity party is the worst kind of party. All those tears make for really bad wine. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
- Natasha
Tony would make an innuendo out of that.
- Steve
He would, and I’d hit him over the head. You two are so sweet together that when I look at you I worry I’m going to develop diabetes and tooth cavities. So you don’t get all his rude references. You know what? I wish I didn’t.
- Natasha
If you ever show anyone that text, I will cut off both your legs and beat you to death with them.
- Natasha
But really. You two are good together. You sort of balance each other out.
- Natasha
Wow. I don’t know what to say, really.
- Steve
‘Thank you’?
- Natasha
Thanks.
- Steve
Don’t mention it.
- Natasha
But do mention it, because I might need to call in a favour in the next few days.
- Natasha
You’re welcome.
- Natasha
*
TODAY HAS BEEN LESS THAN ENJOYABLE. I SACRIFICED FOUR OXEN AND STILL I DO NOT FEEL BETTER
- Thor
What happened? Are you all right? Do you need to come by and blow something up?
- Bruce
IT IS HARD TO EXPLAIN
- Thor
IT INVOLVES MY BROTHER
- Thor
Well, that’s less than reassuring. You can come by if you want. Honest. I’ve got a massive diamond that Tony gave me as a joke a few months ago. It’s almost the size of a cow. Said it was an engagement ring for the Hulk, the bastard. Pretty much the hardest element there is. You can smash it up if you want. Might make you feel better.
- Bruce
I DO NOT THINK IT WOULD HELP
- Thor
Aw, c’mon. It’s really hard. You can smash it into a million tiny pieces if it helps.
- Bruce
A MILLION?
- Thor
Yes. Approximately, of course.
- Bruce
TINY PIECES?
- Thor
Yup.
- Bruce
HOW TINY?
- Thor
Very.
- Bruce
TEENY TINY?
- Thor
Jesus, yes, if it would help you relieve some stress.
- Bruce
You can smash it into microscopic little shards and then I’ll tell Tony that it’s a Tony-sized engagement ring.
- Bruce
I WILL BE THERE AS SOON AS I HAVE CONVINCED LOKI TO UNLOCK THIS DOOR
- Thor
You’re locked in somewhere? Christ, where?
- Bruce
I BELIEVE YOU MIDGARDIANS WOULD CALL IT ‘A PUBLIC BATHROOM’
- Thor
Oh, God.
- Bruce
YES. IT IS A MOST UNSUITABLE PRISON FOR ONE OF THOSE
- Thor
Where is this bathroom, exactly?
- Bruce
SOMEONE HAS WRITTEN ‘BROOKLYN BANDITS FO’ LYF’ ON THE DOOR. I BELIEVE IT TO BE FROST GIANT CODE
- Thor
OK, so Brooklyn. I’ll get Stark to track the GPS on your phone or something.
- Bruce
I’ll be there soon, OK?
- Bruce
ALL RIGHT
- Thor
I THANK YOU, FOR THERE IS A DEFINITE LINGERING ODOUR. I AM UNCERTAIN AS TO WHAT IT IS
- Thor
OH. I HAVE JUST REALISED WHAT IT IS
- Thor
ANY TIME YOU WOULD LIKE TO ARRIVE HERE WOULD BE AMENABLE
- Thor
PREFERABLY NOW
- Thor
*
I’m sorry, I can’t make it to your fondue night tonight as I’m busy being heterosexual.
- Fury
I never made fun of you for your accidentally rude texts. Remember when you couldn’t work out how to use Automatic Correction or whatever it’s called?
- Steve
I was the only one who didn’t take pictures and send them to everyone.
- Steve
There is no loyalty amongst the bros of S.H.I.E.L.D, Rogers. Ask Coulson.
- Fury
I’m sure I can prove you wrong.
- Steve
You’re sure? Want to bet on it?
- Fury
Sure. $50.
- Steve
Fifty? You sure, now?
- Fury
As can be.
- Steve
All right, Rogers. You’re on.
- Fury
Not for tonight, though. I’m washing my hair.
- Fury
You don’t have any.
- Steve
I’m sorry, that was low.
- Steve
I’m so winning this.
- Fury
*
Are you sure you don’t want to come to mine after all? You can use my shower. It’s fine. I don’t mind.
- Bruce
I THANK YOU, BUT I WOULD RATHER NOT
- Thor
I WILL NOT MAKE SUCH EXCELLENT COMPANY AS USUAL
- Thor
You are pretty excellent company, it’s true.
- Bruce
Look, something’s wrong. What is it? You can tell me. I’m not going to laugh or judge you or anything. Well, unless it’s funny.
- Bruce
I’m kidding, by the way. I won’t mock you. Promise.
- Bruce
I know it’s Loki.
- Bruce
Ignoring me isn’t going to help.
- Bruce
Are all Asgardians this childish or is it a family thing?
- Bruce
*
Are you coming home at some point today? I’ve got the fondue kit all set up and waiting.
- Tony
And yes, by that, I do actually mean a normal fondue kit. You don’t even need to be naked to use it.
- Tony
I’ll be home later. I’m just sorting through some things with Coulson.
- Steve
Things? Like what?
- Tony
How to maim or seriously injure Fury, mostly.
- Steve
And you didn’t invite me? I’m wounded.
- Tony
Not as wounded as he will be soon, hopefully.
- Steve
He’s still being a dick, huh?
- Tony
Yes, you could say that.
- Steve
Hmm.
- Tony
‘Hmm’? What does that mean?
- Steve
It means, and I’m going to quote the dictionary definition here, Cap, ‘hmm’.
- Tony
Right. If you’re done being cryptic, I should be home in about fifteen minutes.
- Steve
I will disrobe in preparation.
- Tony
But you said... never mind.
- Steve
I said you didn’t HAVE to be naked. I didn’t say I wasn’t going to be.
- Tony
;)
- Tony
Dear God. Thank the Lord that Fury isn’t coming round.
- Steve
*
I MUST ASK SOMETHING OF YOU
- Thor
Ask away, oh great one.
- Clint
I FEAR IT WILL SOUND FOOLISH
- Thor
Totally used to that, big guy. Go right ahead.
- Clint
THAT IS THE PROBLEM, FRIEND CLINT. I FEAR THAT I AM CONSIDERED FOOLISH BY MOST MIDGARDIANS
- Thor
Oh. Right.
- Clint
IS THIS THE CASE?
- Thor
Um. I don’t know if I’d say ‘foolish’, per se...
- Clint
But yeah. Basically. Sorry, dude.
- Clint
DO YOU THINK ME FOOLISH?
- Thor
No! No, you’re not. I mean, you’re gonna be the king of Asgard one day, right? You can’t be that dumb if they’re giving you permission to rule over all those big, muscular people. They’re trusting you with something. That’s got to say something, right?
- Clint
I AM UNSURE
- Thor
PERHAPS I AM AS FOOLISH AS MY BROTHER SAYS
- Thor
Look. If you want my opinion on it, you’re not stupid. It’s just culture shock, you know?
- Clint
I DO NOT FOLLOW
- Thor
AS USUAL
- Thor
Right. OK. Let me explain this to you.
- Clint
When I was 21, I went to Paris. Stayed in a fancy hotel, ate in posh restaurants, the works. One day, I go down for breakfast and they’ve run out of jam. I want me some of that delicious continental breakfast, so I switch into French mode, flag down a waitress and ask – and I’ll always remember these words – ‘excusez-moi, mais avez-vous des préservatifs?’ And she slaps me. Right in the face. Turns out I’d asked for condoms.
- Clint
THAT IS INDEED AN UNFORTUNATE INCIDENT, BUT I DO NOT SEE THE RELEVANCE
- Thor
Well, you know. You’re new to these parts. You aren’t 100% sure of everything. Sometimes you make mistakes. It’s like when I asked for condoms instead of jam, get it? I didn’t make that mistake because I was dumb. I just hadn’t adapted to the language and stuff. You’re just figuring stuff out here on Earth. Erm, Midgard. You’ll get used to it.
- Clint
Although you may want to ease up on the all caps. Don’t think that’s helping.
- Clint
FRIEND CLINT, YOU ARE TRULY A MAN OF HONOR AND VALOR
- Thor
I UNDERSTAND NOW. I AM NOT THE FOOL AT ALL! IT IS YOU MIDGARDIANS AND YOUR PETTY, TRIFLING RITUALS WHO ARE THE TRUE MASTERS OF FOLLY
- Thor
Erm, no, not exactly what I was saying...
- Clint
I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT YOU ASKED FOR SEXUAL PRECAUTIONARY DEVICES INSTEAD OF A DELICIOUS FRUITY SPREAD
- Thor
HO, WHAT A FROST GIANT YOU MUST HAVE LOOKED!
- Thor
I MUST TELL EVERYONE IMMEDIATELY
- Thor
You’re the worst Asgardian I’ve ever met, and the only other one I know tried to brainwash and kill me.
- Clint
*
Operation In-YOUR-end-o is a go. I repeat, the Operation is in motion.
- Tony
Pardon? I don’t understand.
- Steve
You will.
- Tony
*
I WOULD JUST LIKE TO TELL YOU THAT I AM ON MY WAY TO VISIT YOU
- Thor
Oh, OK. Not having a strop any more, then?
- Bruce
NO. IT IS NOT BECOMING OF A MAN OF MY INTELLIGENCE
- Thor
IS THAT WHY YOU MEDITATE SO FREQUENTLY, FRIEND BRUCE?
- Thor
Yeah, definitely. That’s the reason. We geniuses have it hard, don’t we?
- Bruce
WE CERTAINLY DO
- Thor
:)
- Thor
BEHOLD, I AM SMILING!
- Thor
:)
- Thor
:)
- Bruce
*
Stork, what have you dope to my phone? Change it crack intercrurally!
- Fury
I have done nothing. Nick, I’m devastated that you would accuse me of something. The texts we shared this morning were so special.
- Tony
This isn’t fluffy, Stork! I nerd this phone for wank!
- Fury
*WORK
- Fury
Damnit, Stork!
- Fury
Just so you know, I’m printscreening this and e-mailing it to everyone at S.H.I.E.L.D as we speak.
- Tony
Why? I haven’t dope anyone!
- Fury
FUCK. *DONE ANYTHING.
- Fury
Well, that’s true. You haven’t apologised to Steve, for a start.
- Tony
Motherfuckers!
- Fury
Nick, that’s not very nice.
- Tony
Oh, and you owe Steve $50.
- Tony
You bat wand!
- Fury
*BASTARD
- Fury
He’ll take a cheque.
- Tony