ENTERPRISE SHIP'S-CAT LOG
ENTERED BY FAT BILL
SHIP'S-CAT FIRST CLASS
(OVER ONE HUNDRED PESTS EXTERMINATED)
0000: Entered First Officer's Quarters as start of duty patrol. First Officer asleep with Jackass, Ship's-cat Fourth Class (One Pest Exterminated) curled up at his feet. Complimented Jackass on following correct duty procedure.
0005: Curled up on First Officer's chest and stared at same until ears were scratched.
0015: Fell asleep on First Officer, as per protocol.
0100: Departed First Officer's Quarters for second leg of duty patrol.
0101: Arrived at Captain's Quarters and proceeded to announce presence.
0106: Door to Captain's Quarters flung open by Captain. Captain correctly greeted me with passphrase 'you little piece of shit why the fuck are you sitting out here scratching the door and howling like a banshee fuck you you don't even like me go away I'm not going to feed -- well, fuck you, you fuck, just march in like you own the place, why the hell not.'
0110: Captain returned to bed. Jumped on after him.
0115: Captain finished review of landing style, and stopped clutching groin.
0116: Both Captain and myself fell asleep.
0400: Captain's alarm began to play his reveille.
0405: Captain's alarm began to play his reveille.
0410: Became tired of captain's alarm playing reveille. Poked paw into Captain's mouth.
0411: Successful in waking Captain.
0415: Fell asleep on pillow while Captain went to bathe.
0425: Kicked out of the room by Captain, as per protocol. Washed tail, proceeded to next stage of duty patrol.
0430: Breakfast. Diet Kibble. Terrible.
0445: First Nap.
0600: Proceeded to ship's mess for breakfast. Stared at Captain until he gave up half of sausage, as per protocol.
1034: Attempted to claw Klingon warrior's face off. Only moderately successful, but Chief Medical Officer hit him over the head with a surgery tray.
1035: Peed on Klingon warrior.
1045: Chief Medical Officer finished lecture on breach of sanitary protocols involved in peeing on Klingon warrior.
1046: Captain appeared in Medical. No shirt. Blood copious. Chief Medical Officer drew one deep breath and started in on Captain.
1115: Chief Medical Officer still lecturing. Captain not paying attention due to unconsciousness.
1130: Chief Medical Officer finished lecture. Realized I was two hours overdue for Second Nap. Unavoidable break in routine.
1132: Second Nap, on Chief Medical Officer's desk.
1353: First Officer arrived in Medical. Uninjured.
1400: Jumped on First Officer's lap while he sat with unconscious captain. Purring had no effect on stress levels.
1430: Purring began to have effect on stress levels.
1500: Captain woke for approximately two minutes.
1504: First Officer banished from Medical on grounds of not having eaten since Klingon attack. Detailed to follow to mess and stare at until food was consumed.
1515: Lunch with First Officer. Vulcan stew continues to be worse than diet kibble.
1530: First Officer called to bridge. I was called to Ship's-cats Meeting in Engineering.
1545: Ship's-Cats Meeting in Chief Engineering Officer's lair. Was decided that cats not on active duty will keep strict watch for signs of stress in crew and treat as necessary. Will coordinate with other ship's-animals.
1600: All hands took Third Nap.
1700: Woke early, went to check on First Officer. Still on bridge. Cats not allowed on bridge, so went to check on Captain. Still unconscious.
1715: First Medical Officer displaying signs of stress. Jumped on lap.
1717: Was told I was a useless lump of lard who shed over all sterile surfaces. Decided to ignore that as further sign of stress.
1720: Began to purr.
1750: Purring had significant effect on stress levels. Ship's-dog Tib put nose on First Medical Officer's lap, but I graciously did not smack it away.
1800: Captain conscious! I left Chief Medical Officer's lap for duty post in corner of Medical, followed by Tib.
1815: Commendation recommended for Ship's-dog Tib, who is surprisingly comfortable as a cushion.
1954: First officer appeared in Medical.
2100: Picked up by Chief Medical Officer and handed to First Officer, with orders to make sure he slept.
2115: Detour to mess for dinner. Correction to previous remark made at mess: all Vulcan food is worse than diet kibble.
2200: Arrived in First Officer's Quarters.
2215: Assumed duty position on pillow.
2355: Woke up.
2359: Finished grooming First Officer, as per protocol. All well.