After everything that happens with the Alpha, Stiles has to reach an entirely new level of bullshit artistry to talk his dad out of sending him away to live in a monastery [which he gets out of by reminding his dad about Catholic priests and running out before his dad remembers Buddhists], and explain away the existence of a large number of things that make no sense. Of course there are no werewolves, or werewolf hunters, and hahahah Derek Hale is really a sweet person once you get to know him, no, really, ignore the homicidal looks he is no doubt giving my back right this minute, I swear.
Scott is exactly zero help because that's his actual purpose in life.
Stiles despairs of everything, but he still buys two pints of Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Therapy and drives out to the House of Despair and Fire. He keeps going through names for the Hale house, but really, there are no good ones for 'I’m sorry assholes burned your whole family and your crazy uncle killed your sister and you killed your uncle,” and how can this be anyone's actual fucking life? It's like Winchester brothers levels of suck, but they get to die together at least and are possibly soulmates. Stiles is still super confused on that specific part because wincest is fine and all but what the actual fuck. He only started watching the show hoping for hints on how to keep living now that this is his life but he doesn't have a magic car, so that's out.
Stiles tosses a pint and a plastic spoon at Derek who is scowling. Unsurprisingly. Stiles has all of Derek's scowls labeled on a chart on his computer. This one is the “I am the unhappiest” scowl.
Derek scowls up at Stiles until Stiles says, "I'd bring a bottle of whiskey but you can't get drunk. So, ice cream it is."
Derek opens the pint and digs into the ice cream as Stiles opens his own.
"I'd have offered to share but I figured you'd hit me - plus werewolf saliva? How come biting people works but making out with someone doesn't? Is it like those viruses you need blood contact to get? Only, the opposite of basically all diseases like that because it makes you a superhero instead of sick and tired all the time."
"Do you hear the words that come out of your mouth?" Derek asks.
"Nope." Stiles says. "It's safer for everyone involved that way."
Derek stares at him with the “WTF” scowl that Stiles feels heavily is his own personal scowl since he is the one who brings it out the most, but Derek is still eating the ice cream and looks a little less pensive so Stiles counts this as a victory and potential bonding moment. Ten minutes later when they both get shot at Stiles rethinks potential bonding moments. Why is this his life? Actually, why is this Derek's life? Just, why.
Three hours of terror later, while they hide in Derek’s car, apparently the hunters have declared war on Derek and set more of the house on fire for... taunting? Reminding? Stiles is so appalled at the human race at this point that he kind of wants to be turned into a werewolf so he no longer has to be a member of it.
Stiles stares at the additional rubble of the house and says, "No, seriously, are you cursed? Was there an angry gypsy and a strawberry pie? I don't understand how this much crap can happen to one person."
Derek just sighs a lot.
"If I try to hug you, are you going to Hulk out on me?"
Derek gives Stiles the most miserable look on the planet and Stiles climbs over the stick to sort of drape himself on Derek. It's awkward so he can't get all of the Stilinski hug magic going but Derek gets gradually less tense as they sit there. Stiles maybe pets his hair a little bit but no one will mention that ever because Stiles likes having all of his limbs attached.
The next day Scott bitches for five straight minutes that Stiles smells like Derek and is a giant betrayer and Stiles calmly shoves a fork into Scott’s hand and hisses, "It wouldn't have worked and you know it."
They actually start screaming at each other until they realize the entirety of the lunch room is gawking at them, and Stiles says, "I have had your back the whole fucking time no matter what dumb ass shit you pulled so you will give me the benefit of the doubt here or I will put that fork in your eye."
Scott makes wounded faces. Stiles gets on his phone to search through eBay for someone selling their life; a new one has to be out there somewhere. They've made up by lacrosse practice and Stiles sort of promises not to hang out with Derek all the time, but he's totally lying and Scott knows he's lying, and he makes more wounded faces. Stiles tells him that he's joining the Peace Corp and moving to Guam. Scott is distracted by trying to figure out what the hell Guam is, and Stiles flees out of the locker room as Danny is explaining patiently where Guam is. Stiles is pretty sure Danny has an actual halo hidden on his person.
On the field, Jackson busts out with a backflip and Stiles yells, "WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCKING FUCK ARE YOU, FUCKING. NO. THAT IS IT."
He storms off the bench and goes into the locker room to strip off to go explain to Derek that even though he has the most tragic of lives of the entire first world he did not turn Jackson ‘I am an Abercrombie and Fitch breeding experiment’ Whittemore into a werewolf. Luckily, Derek is lurking around the locker room like the creeper he is, so Stiles can throw his pads at him until he remembers Derek has claws and there is a brief period of time when Derek chases him around the locker room as Stiles shrieks.
He stops shrieking when he realizes that Derek is laughing.
Derek says, "Why'd you stop?"
Stiles slumps against the wall and says, "You made Jackson into a werewolf. I have so many things I want to say right now that they're all crowding up into my mouth fighting over which one can come out first."
Derek just nods. "I need a place to crash."
They stare at each other as Stiles slowly says, "If you are indicating that you want to sleep in my house, that ship sailed into the Indian Ocean and crashed, and all the men died, and there is silver at the bottom of the ocean, and this is getting away from me but, oh my god, NO."
Derek just stares at him. Stiles says, "Go live with Jackson. Wait, have you turned more people? How many more people? Why can't you live with them? But really, how many more people? Your plan isn't to turn the entire town out of spite is it? Because I understand the spite but you can't do that."
Derek has the look of a man who can do whatever the fuck he wants, when he wants, because he's an Alpha werewolf and possibly the tenth most attractive person on the planet. [Stiles might have a contest with himself in that regards where he compares his memory of what Derek looks like against various celebrities. So far Derek is winning a lot but that might be because he is actually around Stiles to be stared at and catalogued.] Stiles is starting to accept that being bisexual might actually be a thing that applies to him. He is starting to contemplate Derek, himself, and maybe Angelina Jolie having a threesome because she's bisexual so it would totally awesome. They could talk about sexual politics afterwards while Derek dreams of chasing deer.
Derek starts sniffing the air, so Stiles gets up and says, "Good talk we had there. I have to go back to practice now, or home, or move to another state. Bye." He starts to run off then remembers that only encourages werewolves so he starts to walk in slow motion out of the locker room. Danny chooses that exact moment to come in to tell him that the coach is yelling about him taking off, and Stiles starts babbling about doing the Robot, and Danny takes pity on him and says, "I worked out he wasn't your cousin."
Stiles says, "His name is Derek Hale."
"I got that from the internet." Danny says. "Is there any particular reason he hangs out in your room and you feel compelled to lie about who he is and why he's there?"
Stiles says, "What? No. No reason. I mean it's totally normal for a 24 year old male model to be hanging out with a sixteen year old person he's not related to, I read it in Stalkers R' Us, which is a magazine I subscribe to for the articles but not the tips. Those are for Scott and Derek. I'm just the nice friend who pays for it."
"Pretty sure we're not friends, Stiles," Derek says, kissing him on the cheek, and strolling out of the fucking locker room like a professional troll. Stiles flails and falls into a locker and Danny says, "Oh, come on, don't panic."
"I'm not panicking because I think you care,” Stiles says, “I'm panicking because I want to hit that and that's so bad for me on so many levels and he knows, and he's going to ruin me."
Danny opens his mouth and Stiles hisses, "He's a life ruiner! I'm going to die!"
"Are you on medication?"
"Not enough of it."
“I'm not going to tell anyone,” Danny says. “You don't have to worry about that.”
"Seriously, the very, very least of my concerns here," Stiles says. "But I appreciate that. Are you actually an angel, by the way? I've had thoughts. I mean you're BFF with Jackson, so you have to at least be a saint. I want to see your halo. That isn’t a euphemism of any kind."
Danny grins at all, all dimples and shiny teeth, and says, "Did you accidentally dump all of the internet into your brain one day and now it's falling back out in random pieces?"
"We do need a goalie to play lacrosse," Jackson interrupts as Stiles has a revelation and turns back to Danny.
"Wait, are you Castiel? He's hot, and I think he's banging Dean. It makes sense!"
Danny shakes his head and says, "Jackson, if you could please give us a moment here?"
"I don't care if Stiles wants to have his gay crisis all over the locker room floor, Danny.” Jackson says. “Outside!"
Stiles says, "Fuck you," at the same time Danny smiles tightly, and says, "I'm going to stay in here right now and you're going back outside."
Jackson says, "Derek is never going to fuck your useless ass and neither is Lydia."
"I'm going to have his dick in my mouth in a week," Stiles snaps out.
Danny hurriedly says, "Sex is not something you need to start one upping people over!"
Jackson laughs meanly and says, "You're not going to have--" but he's cut off by Danny who smacks his hand over his mouth and says, "Out. Side."
Scott comes in and says, "Guys. Coach is seriously getting pissed off and his freakouts hurt my ears."
"I guess we're having a family meeting here." Stiles says. "This is so lovely. Scott, congratulations; you have a new cousin."
Scott says, "What?"
Stiles waves at Jackson and Scott says, "Oh, yeah; I knew about that."
"You didn't think about telling me?"
"I figured Derek would have said since you're up his ass all the time now," Scott says moodily. [THEY ARE SO ADORABLY CODEPENDENT]
"What are we talking about?" Danny asks.
They all look awkward and Stiles says, turning to Scott and Jackson, "You are a crap friend. Both of you."
Danny says, "Right. Stiles, if you're okay, I’m going back outside and I’m taking Jackson and Scott with me."
"I'm awesome," Stiles says. "I'm better than pie."
Scott says, "I'm not a crap friend."
"No one cares."
"You keep hanging out with the guy who totally fucked me over and--"
"SHUT UP," Stiles yells. "I am going through personal issues of my own right now so yours are just going to have to wait. Take a number and wait in the corner of shame. It's over there!"
Scott says, "But Allison..."
"No! I got shot at again! We're at war! I want to have sex with Derek Hale so hahaha, joke’s on me, I'm bisexual! and he's probably going to murder me and I am out of lies to tell my dad, who, if you remember is the sheriff and I am out of things to fucking do for you right now."
Scott's face scrunches up and he says, "You want to have sex with Derek?"
"Yes, that's the important part. Not the part where they burned the rest of the Hale house down while we watched."
Danny says, "I really want to know what's going on right now."
"For your own sake, Danny,” Stiles says. “Stop being friends with Jackson and move out of state. Several states. The Virgin Islands. You can make a lot of awesome 'not when I'm done with it' jokes."
"If you want out, get out then,” Scott says. “No one’s making you stay."
Stiles is on top of him so fast he almost feels like a werewolf. There is a brief period of teenage boy yelling and snarling before Derek blurs in and picks Stiles bodily up off of Scott and growls until Scott backs off.
"What the fuck,” Danny says, still not as gone as he’d like.
"Great,” Jackson says. “Way to be subtle."
"Have you been outside listening the whole time?” Stiles demands nervously. “Because there were several things said that need a lot of context. A lot."
Derek says, "No, I forgot about something." He looks at Scott and says, "Down."
Scott whimpers a little bit, and Stiles says, "Awesome."
Stiles wakes up on a Friday at one in the morning to see Derek climbing in his window.
"It's cold, you ass! Shut the damn window! Wait, get out and shut the window."
Derek shuts the window without getting out, instead choosing to strip off his shirt, which causes many reactions in Stiles. Many. As he strips off his pants, Stiles says, "Um, okay, where do you see this going because my dad is definitely nearby and I am not quiet for any reason."
Derek huffs out a faint laugh, and flops down on the bed and Stiles. "I'm here to sleep."
He shoves his face and his cold nose right into Stiles' neck, which makes Stiles need to say, "You don't need to turn around three times?"
Derek ignores him in order to relax enough to pass out. Stiles says, "No way. No. Off. No. Damnit." He tries to push at Derek but Derek is huge and werewolves have denser muscles and Stiles is totally trapped. He ponders calling Scott for assistance but he can't reach his damn phone. He tries to wiggle in that direction but Derek growls and Stiles freezes.
"Go to sleep."
It's cold out and Derek is warm and snuggly so Stiles thinks, fuck it, and goes to sleep. He wakes up five hours later to the blaring of his despised alarm. Derek makes many unhappy noises and crushes it with his bare hand. Stiles tries not to find that attractive and fails.
"While I completely feel you,” he says. “Literally, since you are on top of me, I will need you to buy me a new alarm clock. Also, I need you to get the hell off of me so I can get ready for high school."
Derek ignores him.
"I have no shame whatsoever about calling for my father."
"You smell good."
"Don't even start that shit with me right now!" Stiles says. "Get off of me."
Derek gets up and stretches.
Stiles wonders briefly whether this is a sign that there is a god and that said god totally loves him (or possibly, that said god totally hates him). The data is confusing. He goes to shower and jerk off because how can he not. He hopes Derek can hear him. Stiles says his name while he does it just to make sure. When he comes back into the room in his towel, Derek is still communing with his pillow. Stiles drops the towel and goes to his closet. Derek moves very, very quietly to watch. He's back pretending to be asleep when the reverse strip tease is over.
"Today is my dad's day off so be a ninja-wolf, okay?" Stiles says into Derek's ear.
Derek vaguely tries to smack him and Stiles promises, "I'll get you Milk Bones."
Derek lifts his head up as Stiles flees from the room.
Derek sleeps for another five hours until noon. He hears John Stilinski moving around downstairs and thinks about leaving. Then he gets up and uses the bathroom anyway, because he figures the sheriff should get used to him now.
When Derek opens the door, John is holding a gun and staring at him.
"You decided to break into my house," he says. "I'm not sure why you thought that was a good idea, but let me assure you, it really wasn't."
"Didn't break in," Derek says.
"Okay, so Stiles let you into my house."
"Stiles is underage."
"I'm not having sex with him," Derek says. He does not add, "yet."
Derek walks around John, who is still holding the gun, and heads downstairs to look for food. Scott had mentioned at some point that Stiles could cook and Derek had added that to his secret mental list of reasons to mate with Stiles.
"Stiles knows you,” Sheriff Stilinski says, as he watches Derek Hale eat cereal in his kitchen.
"Basically," Derek says, in between bites. He’s kind of disappointed; he was hoping for actual food. Though it’s nice to have milk that isn’t hovering so hard on the expiration date.
“What’s his real name?”
“Does Scott even know that?” Derek asks. “I’m pretty sure he doesn’t.”
“You don’t know.”
“It’s Gemin,” Derek says. “I did actually used to live in this town.”
They stare at each other. Derek finishes his cereal and sends Stiles a text that says, “I want you to make me lasagna tonight.”
Stiles texts back every rude word he can think of and some he asks the room at large for - it takes fourteen texts. Derek saves them all.
Stiles walks in the door, looks at Derek, looks at Derek and his father, who says, "Stiles, we need to have a talk."
Stiles yells at Derek, "What did I say about being a ninja? NINJA! Sneaky! Why are you the bane of my existence!"
"Arch-nemesis!" Stiles continues, when Derek just ignores him.
"Which one of us is Lex Luthor?" Derek asks, and Stiles can't help but smile at him. He catches himself and says, "No, don't you try to charm me."
Derek smiles at him, a big gorgeous smile that leaves Stiles saying, "Yurk," and falling over a stool.
Stiles' dad looks down at him sadly. "Are you okay?"
"Nope,” he says, refusing his dad’s hand to pull him up. “I am fine here on the floor."
John Stilinski shakes his head and walks around the table towards the cabinets.
"I am glorious, in fact," Stiles continues, but he he can’t stop himself from muttering under his breath, "fuck you, Derek. Fuck your perfect abs and your perfect chest and your perfect face and your calves. Fuck your calves. Fuck how much I want your dick in me. It's so unfair."
When Derek gets up to leave, he pulls Stiles over so that his father can't see them, and he whispers back, "I'm going to put my dick so far up you that you will feel it for the rest of your life."
Stiles tries hard not to faint. He mostly succeeds.
Stiles and Scott watch the werewolf episode of Supernatural together. Stiles spends the last five minutes pretending he's not crying while Scott frantically calls Allison. They agree not to talk about it again.
They also watch the wish fulfillment one, and sometimes Stiles will just yell 'teddy bear' out of nowhere and Scott will lose it. Allison always twitches but no wants to know.
Derek turns a lot of people and is smug about it. Stiles is disgusted and smacks him a lot, saying, "Stop being proud that you can bite people, you moron. Two year olds can accomplish that life skill."
Derek responds maturely, by biting Stiles' neck and then there is a lot of yelping as Stiles tries and fails to shove Derek off of him.
"Werewolf rape!" Stiles insists.
"Clearly,” Derek says dryly. “What with the way you're wrapped around me like a sloth."
"That's your fault, too." Stiles is sure of it.
Derek brings Stiles Isaac to cuddle. Stiles throws a shoe at Derek, but he admits defeat immediately, and stops complaining about Derek expanding his pack.