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fourteen (plus one)

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01. Robb

Robb is the first, because Robb is always comes first for Theon. They drink and they laugh and collapse, hazy and pissed to the eyeballs, on the futon in the corner of Robb's apartment that Theon's been living on for the past couple of months, fumbling with each other's clothes and kissing sloppily and pretending that they find the whole thing terribly amusing and not at all nerve-wracking. And maybe Robb really doesn't, Theon can't properly tell when he's this sloshed - but he certainly does.

He really doesn't want to have to move out.

He really doesn't want to fuck things up with his best friend.


02. Jon

Jon is next, because, well, Jon is there. When Theon forces his bleary eyes open in the morning, Jon's the one standing in the kitchen with his boxers and a half-empty bowl of cereal, while Robb is nowhere to be found. And maybe it's because he's got work that day, or finals, or some other golden boy activity that he needs to be at, but Theon's head is pounding and his throat is dry and he can't be fucking bothered to check Robb's calendar. He also doesn't bother to give Jon much a warning when he grabs him by the shoulder and throws him against the counter, shoving a knee between his legs.

Jon, as he does with most things, just sort of goes with it.

Maybe it's a revenge-fuck for Robb's absence the morning after and maybe it's not, but afterwards Theon decides he ought to have given Jon time to put his cereal down beforehand, as he stands up and takes off his milk-soaked shirt.


03. Jeyne W.

Robb's almost sort-of girlfriend is after that, because when Theon drops by Jeyne's looking for Robb later that morning, she answers the door with red eyes and a smile that says she's not going to admit to having been crying, even though she knows that he knows that she totally was. When she tells him that she'd gone from almost-girlfriend to completely-and-utterly-not-girlfriend when Robb had prematurely broken things off with her a few hours ago, it's all he can do not to hug her.

So, instead, he kisses her. She drags him inside and he passes it off as sympathy sex. She takes it that way, clutching his hair and calling him by the wrong name, but he doesn't have it in him to be all that miffed about the fact.


04. Jeyne P.

He's on his way out of the girl's dorm hall, trying to set his clothes right and get his hair to lie flat, when he runs into the fourth. The other Jeyne, he remembers, Robb's sister's friend. She's grown up a bit since he'd last seen her, and he's trying to debate whether or not to hit on her or just go home - back to Robb's, anyway - and have a nap, because, really, even he only has so much stamina.

She's always been into him, though, and now is no exception, and Theon figures he might as well just go back to her room and hang out for a bit. That plan is forfeit when the door closes and she shoves him onto his back on her bed. On the one hand, he's quite exhausted by now, but on the other, she's taking her top off - and that more or less settles the matter.


05. Margaery

He's feeling a bit used by the time he's off of the university campus, and rather than continue his search for Robb, he texts Margaery. She is, of course, a right cunt, but a rather clever one, at least.

need some advice. lunch?

She calls him a 'useless wanker,' but agrees to meet him for coffee anyhow, and he inhales two cappuccinos and a muffin before she even arrives. The usual song and dance and banter is cut short and he goes straight to what's on his mind.

"So, you fucked your best friend?" she says when he's done. "Who hasn't?"

"I… really don't know how to answer that."

She laughs, makes him pay, and then drags him into the loo. And that's where number five happens.


06. Loras

Number six is when her brother shows up, still steaming from a fight with his douchey post-grad boyfriend and looking to get revenge for this or that. Theon can't really be bothered to care, either way - they're both just obnoxious poofters, as far as he's concerned - until Margaery volunteers him as a casual revenge fuck.

"What? I'm not… " He's not really sure how to continue that sentence without being overtly offensive and, honestly, kind of inaccurate.

"Gay?" Margaery says for him. "Is that why you fucked Robb, then?"

Theon flounders, feeling like one of the fish that his mad uncle Aeron is always going on about.

"You fucked Robb?" Loras asks, looking him up and down, then nodding. "Nice."

Part of him wants to clear it up, to set things straight, because Robb is different, but there's another part of him that's honestly quite tired at only mid-afternoon and doesn't have it in him to argue with Loras's hands, or his mouth, or his smile when he pulls Theon into the men's room.


07. Sansa

He stops back at the apartment for a while for some food and some sleep, not bothering to check if anyone's home. When he wakes, there's nothing left for him but a note from Robb, that reads, 'Family dinner tonight. Come by if you can.'

It's not as if he's an actual blood relation, but he more or less grew up in the Stark house, so he hops a train uptown just in time to catch desert, if only because it's a surefire way to find Robb.

As it turns out, it's not. By the time he arrives, Robb and Jon have already skipped out for some party that no one had bothered to invite Theon to, so he plans to slip back out the door as soon as he says his hellos to Bran and Rickon, but he gets caught in the hallway by number seven.

"Is it true that you had sex with Jeyne Poole?" Sansa demands, with an iron grip around his arm.

"So what if it is?"

"Well, then I need you to have sex with me, too."

Theon's brow creases, and he's about to ask her what the hell she's talking about, when she pulls him in through the door of her bedroom. She sees his expression and rolls her eyes. "Well, come on, you're, like, the easiest boy at Uni. I can't have people saying you'd shag Jeyne Poole and not me. So, go on then, get to it."

And Theon's got a certain amount of self-respect, but not a whole lot. So, he shrugs, and gets to it.


08. Gendry

Number eight is when he stumbles out of the Stark apartments and runs straight into Arya's rugby player ex-boyfriend, standing there with flowers and an indecisive look on his face. Theon attempts to shove past him, but Gendry follows.

"Hey, you're Theon Greyjoy, right?"

Theon sighs. "Yeah, what's it to you?"

"I heard you're gay now."

Theon stops. "Where the fuck did you hear that?"

"Well, Loras Tyrell's in my psychology class, and he was talking about - "

Theon groans, running a hand through his ridiculous bed-head hair. "Fucking Tyrells."

"So, anyway, I'm still not quite sure if I want to get back with Arya, yeah? And I was thinking that if I knew whether or not I liked guys, then…"

Theon sighs again. He's not even surprised anymore. He just nods at a nearby supply closet and says, "Alright, but let's make it quick. I have a party to get to."


09. Lancel

He's barely in the door of the party, when he runs into a very, very drunk Lannister, who grabs him by the hair and kisses him. Next thing he knows he's on a sofa and his trousers are around his ankles, and there goes number nine.


10. Ygritte

He's more than a little buzzed when he finally comes upon at least half of his quarry, finding Jon with his weirdo, survivalist, nature-hiking friends, and one very angry, very lewd-mouthed girlfriend who slams a rather well-aimed fist into his face.

"You think you can just go around fucking other people's boyfriends?" she yells, and there's quite a bit of alcohol on her breath. Theon just shrugs, because that's basically what he's been doing all day.

"Ygritte," Jon starts, but she shoots him a sharp look that cuts him off.

"Not now, Snow," she tells him, then turns back to Theon. "That how it is, then? Alright, well, how about we play a game?" She sets down two shot glasses, one in front of him, and one in front of her, and an enormous bottle of tequila in the middle. "If you can out-drink me, then you're welcome to him."

Jon blanches and Theon frowns. "I don't really want him, actually."

Ygritte ignores them both. "But if I out-drink you," she says, smirking, "then I'm welcome to you."

"Ygritte," Jon says again, harsher this time.

"Fair is fair, Snow."

And it's not as if Theon really wants either of them, but what he does want is to get idiotically, fantastically drunk. So he nods, and takes his first shot. In the end, she drinks him under the table, and that's where number ten happens.


11, 12, 13. Pyp, Grenn, and Satin

By the time that's over with, he's so spectacularly inebriated, that when someone yells, "Foursome!" and shoves him into a room with three of the aforementioned weirdo, survivalist nature-hikers, Theon doesn't even bother to protest.

And, by this time, he's far too drunk to keep count.


14. Sam

Number fourteen - he thinks it's fourteen? - is right before he leaves the party, having found out from someone who's name and face he can't quite remember that Robb had already gone home. He runs into Jon's girly, fat friend who's got his knickers are all knotted up about still being a virgin at his age, and feeling very sorry for himself and all that. Theon feels kind of sorry for him, too, and normally he'd just pass the poor sod by, but today is different, so today he fucks him. Because, hell, why the fuck not?


15. and back to the beginning

By the time he gets back to the apartment, the sun's starting to come up and his head is starting to pound from the overhanging threat of future sobriety. He doesn't even realize that a full twenty-four hours have gone by since he's last seen Robb - which is a near unheard of amount of time apart for them - until he actually sets eyes on him. He's just sitting there, slumped on the edge of Theon's futon rather than his own bed, and he sort of smiles when Theon slumps down next to him.

"So," Robb begins, then clears his throat, obviously nervous, "the other night was a bit, um… odd, wasn't it?"

And Theon can't help himself - he laughs. He's not sure if it'd be this funny if he wasn't still sort of drunk, but at this point, it really, really is. "Trust me," he tells Robb, "you don't know 'odd' until you've heard about the fucking day I've had."