Title: Alphabetic Shawn & Gus
Angry: “Shawn!” Gus hissed, “You are dating a murderer!”
Shawn grinned. Gus was angry because he was dating someone. Come to think about it, Gus always disapproved of anyone he dated. A part of his mind pointed out that there were not much to be approved of about the women Shawn dated, but he shut that part up.
“Not exclusively!” he said, smiling sweetly at his best friend.
Balloons: “Not now, Shawn.” Gus said without looking up from his laptop screen, “I am busy.”
Shawn waved the balloons in his hand in front of Gus. “Come on, Gus! You didn’t even listen to my idea. You must participate in my historic and genius plan! We are going to buy a thousand gas balloons and tying them to us so that we can fly!”
Cat: “So now I have a cat?”
“We have a cat. The adoption people wouldn’t let us adopt a baby, so we had to take little Pickles to our bosom, showering all our parental love on it.”
“Y-you...” Gus spluttered, “You told them we are ... together and sharing the custody of a cat?”
Date: “I’ll be right back, Thelma.” Gus said, smiling warmly at his date.
Shawn watched as Gus rose from the table and made his way towards the men’s room. As soon as he was out of sight, Shawn walked over to the table and sat down opposite the pretty brown haired girl. She looked at him questioningly.
“Hi, you must be the girl my Gus has chosen for tonight!” Shawn said gushed. “I am Shawn, the other one.”
“Huh? Other one? And what do you mean, chosen for tonight?” the girl said, bewildered.
“The other one of the threesome, of course.” Shawn said, looking at the girl as though she was being stupid. “My boyfriend was supposed to find someone for our little…game tonight, and I must say, good choice!” he said leering at her.
Thelma jumped up and seizing her purse from the table, rushed out of the restaurant.
Éclair: “Ahhh, éclairs! Do you know what a chocolate éclair reminds me of?”
“No, Shawn.” Gus replied, “And I don’t want to know.”
Shawn grinned and took the most of an éclair in his mouth. Then he pulled it out again, and smirked at Gus.
Free: Shawn grinned as the crowd of the convention pushed Gus into him. It was a perfect opportunity for a free grope.
Gracious: “Oh, you can take this seat,” Shawn said graciously to the woman, “My partner and I can share.”
“Oh, Gussy bear, there is plenty of room in this seat. Or would you like to sit on my lap?”
Hickey: “Ugh, I have such a hangover!” Gus groaned, “What did we do last night?”
“Umm, got drunk?”
“Yeah, but…” Gus said touching the skin of his neck, “I think I have a hickey. Did we meet any girls last night?”
“Umm… no, I mean, I can’t remember buddy, I was pretty drunk….”
Inhuman: “Oh come on, Gus, you can’t kick me out of the car on the highway! How would I ever get back? It’s just inhuman!”
“No, it’s not. Do you know what is inhuman? You dripping mayonnaise on my car seat again! After I told you not to eat that sandwich here.”
“But I was hungry….”
Shawn clambered out and stood at the side of the road, watching the blue car go.
“One, two, three, four…” he began to count. At the count of seven, the car stopped, then began to back up. When the car drew level with him, Gus grumbled “Get in.” without looking at Shawn. Shawn grinned and opening the door, climbed back inside.
Jelly: “Of course pineapple jelly is great, Shawn, but this guava jelly is pretty awesome too. Just give it a chance.”
“Sure,” said Shawn, and wiped off some jelly from the corner of Gus’ lips and popped the finger in his own mouth. “Yeah, it’s… delicious!”
Kiss: As Gus kissed his date Chelsea under the mistletoe, he wondered why none of the kisses ever felt right. He had kissed so many women over the years, but none of them measured up to the kiss his best friend had given him when they were thirteen.
Lax: “Damn!” said Gus, after opening his fridge. All his high in protein, good quality bread sandwiches were gone. He had been lax in his vigilance this weekend. Shawn had distracted him with his plans of acquiring plutonium fuel for that damn risky motorcycle of his.
Misery: When Gus left for college, it was the worst Shawn had ever felt. He could not believe that the only one stable thing in his life, the person who kept him anchored to reality, had deserted him. And he had gone somewhere Shawn could not follow him.
Naïve: “I told you the sales girl was totally into me.”
“Aw, my little chocolate soufflé, don’t get your hopes up,” Shawn said as he drew pictures on his own arm with a green marker, “I am afraid she is just one of those sweet vapid females who are just as nice to a poodle as they are to a handsome eligible man.”
“Oh, yeah?” Gus said smirking triumphantly, “Then why did she just give me her phone number?”
“She gave you her number?” Shawn asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Yeah, it’s right here…” Gus picked up his jacket from the chair back, put his hand inside the pocket and frowned. “Where did it go?” He checked the other pocket.
“Are you sure she gave you her number, buddy?” Shawn said in his best psychologist-talking-to-delusional-patient voice as Gus’ hand came out empty again.
“Yes!” Gus said frustrated, “I don’t know why I keep losing phone numbers…”
Shawn placidly watched Gus searching the pockets of his shirt and pants fruitlessly. Gus could be so naïve sometimes.
Order: The bartender of Four Pints smiled at the slim black customer. “What can I get you?”
“Can you give me something that would knock some sense into a crazy drunk guy?”
Randy, the bartender, grinned. “For your buddy over there?” He said, gesturing at a young man dancing on his chair and very loudly (and terribly) singing The Unknown Stuntman. “Don’t worry; I’ll make you a drink that would make him wanna throw up all the booze he had drunk in the last ten years!”
Gus smiled wearily, “Now that could fill the grand canyon!”
Pathetic: “Thanks for the invite, Mr. S.” Gus said, “I would love to hear all about your last fishing trip.”
“You’re welcome, Gus. Come around at eight. I’ll be making Italian.” Henry smiled a little as he put the phone down. Even though Shawn had sworn he would not come to another dinner to endure his father’s long lectures and even longer fishing tales, Henry knew if Gus came, then his son would come trailing along too. Shawn was quite pathetic like that.
Quotation: “Just look at the stars, Shawn.” Gus dreamily said, “We don’t stop and appreciate the simple beauties anymore…” They were lying supine on a deserted beach, a six pack of beer on the sand between them. Dina, the schoolteacher Gus had been dating for the last two months, had dumped him a few hours ago.
“I have realized that what’s supposed to happen will happen.” Gus said again, “No use trying to force anything. What’s that quotation…?”
“May the force be with you?” Shawn said yawning.
Gus glared at him. “No. If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be.”
Shawn grinned in the moonlight. “Yeah…that’s why you can never get rid of me. I always claw back in, even when you kick me out.”
Red-handed: “Shawn, you are not supposed to have a smoothie in your hand when riding a roller-coaster!” Gus seethed.
“I am so sorry, dude, but I couldn’t leave my pineapple smoothie unguarded, someone might have stolen it!” Shawn exclaimed, “Here, I got some tissues, I will wipe it…”
“You spilled the smoothie on my shirt.”
“I know, I am…”
“Then why do you have your hand on my ass?”
Scene: “I can see it!” Shawn said with a groan, and grasped his own hair; Gus sighed as he looked on. “Your mother died a year ago… you weren’t there…how you wish you got to say goodbye to her!”
“Yes,” gasped the candy stall owner, her eyes brimming with tears, “I wish I could talk to her just one last time!”
“She wants to tell you…” Shawn sank to the ground, holding his head with both hands; all the people around were staring. “She wants you to know that she loves you, and you weren’t a disappointment to her…”
As the candy lady thanked Shawn tearfully and told them they must not think of paying for the candy, it was her pleasure, Gus wondered why Shawn had to cause a scene every time they came to the fair.
Taboo: As Shawn weaved his way through the stalls of the Mexican food fair, the smell of mouth-watering dishes took him back to a night six years ago. That night, the smell of detergent coming from Gus’ purple shirt, the noise and scent of the streets of Guadalajara, and a hell lot of alcohol was mixed with his memories of what happened in their hotel room in the small hours. He and Gus had never ever spoken of that night; it was a taboo subject between them.
Unwanted: A lot of times, little Shawn could not help thinking that his parents had never actually wanted him. He did not factor in their equation of life. He was like one of those stray dogs, that was just there, irrelevant and unnecessary to the world. Suddenly he felt a thump on his shoulder.
“Why are you just standing there, Shawn?” Gus, eyes bright, clothes neat and starched, He-man backpack in place, grinned at him, “Come on, I will race you to school!”
Shawn smiled to himself as they sprinted along the street; maybe he was not unwanted to the whole world.
Visual: “I think this is great fun, Gus!” Shawn said just as Gus was getting ready to putt. “We should do this kind of thing more often.”
“Shawn!” Gus snapped, straightening up, “How many times I have said don’t talk when I am putting?”
“I wasn’t saying anything distracting!” Shawn protested.
“You shouldn’t say anything at all. First you had to tell me how you thought it would be great to get a full body tan in a golf course, and then …”
“That was a dope idea, why don’t you take off your…” Catching Gus’ glare Shawn stopped and grinned. “Okay, I’ll hold my peace from now on.”
“Hah, you? The only way to keep you from interrupting me mid-putt again is keep you at least thirty feet away from me.”
“Now, Gus, don’t be a bowl of overcooked pasta…”
“Thirty feet, Shawn.”
Shawn huffed and walked some distance away behind Gus. When sure that Shawn was far enough away, Gus bent down slightly to prepare for his stroke again. Shawn squinted interestedly as he checked out Gus’ butt. He might not get to have any conversation from here, but the visual was damn good.
Wanted: “Hey, Gus, remember this?” Shawn waved a hideous yellow sombrero at his partner. “Remember that trip?”
“Yes, Shawn, I do remember, however much I try to forget!” Gus said rolling his eyes.
“Aw, don’t be a grumpy pants, Gus, it was a fun trip.” Shawn said, setting the sombrero on his hair at a jaunty angle. “The tacos they sold in that roadside shop, man, I’ll never forget the taste!”
“I hope so, because you are never getting to taste them again.” Gus said wryly. “We are no longer welcome in that town.”
“Hah, the police of San Jóse del Cabo have no sense of humor. That was no real reason to declare us Wanted!”
“You pushed the officer in a drum of glue! And when he scrambled out you emptied a bag of bird food over him!”
“Oh yeah, that was freakin’ epic, right, amigo? Anyway he shouldn’t have tried to arrest me for having a little fun in the streets…”
“Drunken brawl,” Gus corrected, “And then you told them we had diplomatic immunity, because I was the Crown Prince of Papua New Guinea and you were my translator!”
Xerox: Gus stood primly in his black tuxedo, a pink rose in his buttonhole. Shawn’s tuxedo was white, and in the buttonhole, despite Gus’ protests that it was too much, he had put a huge pink gerbera daisy. Shawn reasoned that his free and creative spirit had been oppressed by people for years (“Hah!” said Gus), and he was going to live his wedding day to the fullest.
Shawn looked around to see all the familiar faces. The sitting arrangement had been planned by Juliet and Mrs. Guster, with frequent interpolations and suggestions from Shawn. Henry Spencer sat beside Chief Karen Vick, Shawn’s mother Madeleine with the Gusters. Detective Carlton Lassiter, who claimed that he was only attending because the Chief had ordered him to, sat between Buzz and Juliet.
“Shawn, stop squirming,” hissed Gus, “He is about to begin!”
The minister, who had a very pronounced Adam’s apple and a thin mustache, cleared his throat loudly and said, “Friends, family, we are gathered here today to celebrate the joining of souls of this man, and this man….”
This is it, thought Gus, I am voluntarily embracing a life of chaos and slowly being driven to insanity! I hope I survive it.
This minister’s voice sounds like he has asthma, Shawn thought, we totally should have gotten that big black guy with the baritone voice, even though he had once killed a guy with a church chair! I just hope the jerk chicken does not get cold by the time he finishes.
“Shawn and Gus have written their own vows,” rasped the minister, “Shawn?”
Shawn pulled out a piece of paper from inside of his coat with a flourish and began to read. “Sh…um, I mean, Gus, my caramel sweetness, in the last twenty-five years, you have been the most constant presence in my life. We have shared every little thing, some exciting, some mundane, but all through this…” Gus’s eyes widened with every word, his hand quickly slipping inside his own coat; the paper with his vows was still there. What the hell…? he thought.
“Shawn!” he said in an outraged whisper, “Those are my vows! How the hell did you…?”
Yield: When Shawn had made him sneak out of his house to go see a midnight fireworks display when they were eleven, Gus had not been able to resist. When Shawn practically forced him to become a partner in a fake psychic detective agency, Gus gave in to him again. That was why he grew more and more worried as he noted his best friend’s subtle attempts at seducing him everyday. Gus could envision his fate already. He knew he would yield to Shawn. He always did.
Zealous: “Okay, is it a … set of light sabers?” Shawn asked as he put another shiny little decorative star on the Christmas tree. The tree was luscious and green, hand-picked by Gus.
Gus raised one eyebrow at Shawn as he tried to put a golden miniature angel on the top of the tree.
“Shawn, you know I am not telling you what I got you,” he said after successfully placing the angel. “Did you get your dad’s present wrapped?”
“Yeah,” Shawn gestured at the large box near the door, and smirked. “I got bright pink and orange wrapping paper, just to see his face when he gets it!”
Gus laughed and smacked him on the arm.
“He already knows to expect the worst from you. Anyway, I think he will like the fishing equipments.”
Shawn put the last ornament on and stepped back. “Ta-da! We’re done. Let’s have some of that cheesecake now.”
“No, Shawn, that’s for dessert tomorrow.”
“Aw, man!” Shawn whined, “I can’t see my present, I can’t have cheesecake… are all the fun stuff reserved for tomorrow?”
“Well,” replied Gus with a smile, “we can go do some fun stuff in bed right now…”
“That’s the best idea you’ve had all day, my cream-filled chocolate brownie!” Shawn jumped excitedly, “Let’s go put it in action immediately.”
Shawn started running towards their bedroom door at top speed, but in his haste stumbled over the big pink and orange box and went sprawling to the floor. Gus sighed; Shawn was just too zealous for his own good.