"Captain, I have to admit, I'm a little confused by this incident report," Coulson said, studying his computer monitor. He snuck a look at Steve, who frowned.
"Did I fill in the form wrong? Or uh -- well, I used the spellchecker thing, it didn't say any of my words were wrong," Steve replied, craning his neck.
"No, it's perfectly legible, your usual concise report," Coulson replied, leaning back. "I'd just like to clarify a few points."
"Oh! Sure," Steve nodded.
"It says here that a humanoid female appeared in your quarters at approximately twenty-two hundred last night," Coulson said. "And she said that she was attempting to repopulate her race, who come from a planet in a distant galaxy."
"That's right," Steve said cautiously.
"She then offered you the option of preventing her, and I quote, forcible colonization of humanity in order to gestate a million young, by impregnating her yourself."
"Yes, Agent Coulson."
"I'm going to skip the complicated portions where she explained how this would repopulate her home planet..." Coulson skimmed down the report. "Now I just want to be absolutely, one hundred percent sure, when you said you engaged in coitus for reproductive purposes..."
"Mmhm. Were you coerced into this act?"
"Well." Steve frowned again. "She was an awfully pretty dame. And I figured it was preferable to a million people dying. No, I didn't feel coerced. I got the feeling if I told her to buzz off and find some other planet she would have. She was nice. Good manners, you know."
"Good manners," Coulson said faintly. "Yes, well, I see that in the statement here. Are you...certain this wasn't a dream, Captain? I have to ask."
"I thought someone might ask. There's video footage," Steve said helpfully. "I attached it."
"See attached file."
"Tony helped me do that."
"You asked Tony Stark to help you send me a sex tape?"
"I told him he could watch it. I'm beginning to get the hang of how to deal with Tony," Steve said proudly. "Did you review the tape?"
"No, uh, as much as I...admire you, Captain, I don't think that's something I need to see," Coulson said. "And you're not concerned that a million of your offspring are currently repopulating a solar system in another galaxy?"
"She seemed like she'd be a pretty capable mother. I made sure to ask about, you know, whether her people eat their young or are in the habit of invading other planets for non-procreative purposes. She said they were mostly scientists. I offered to introduce her to Bruce, but she seemed happy with me."
"Steve, I'm going to ask you a question."
"Shoot," Steve said.
"You are claiming you had sex with an alien princess in order to save the planet?"
"That's about the size of it," Steve replied, nodding.
"Well." Coulson clicked his mouse, and the file disappeared. "I'll put this in our sensitive-case folder. And thank you for taking one for the team, Captain."
"My pleasure," Steve replied.
"So the report informed me," Coulson sighed. "Dismissed, Captain."