Chapter 1: Agent Coulson and the Spoiled Children
Date : February 29th
Attending Agent : Agent Coulson
Subject of brief : Regrouping the initiative. Discussing progress.
Finding out where Tony gets his suits.
12:00 – Agent Coulson arrives, exactly on time. He looks very dashing. He’s definitely not writing this.
12:07 – Seven minutes late, the first Avenger arrives (Natasha Romanoff).
12:08 – Clint Barton enters. Natasha whispers that he ‘was supposed to wait five minutes’. He pinches her behind. Agent Coulson pretends not to notice.
12:11 – Bruce Banner arrives. His shirt is hanging off him in tatters. He warns Agent Coulson that ‘if he says so much as a single, solitary syllable about the state of his shirt, he will switch his hair regrowth spray with sulphuric acid’. Agent Coulson would like it put on the record that he does not use hair regrowth spray.
12:12 – Ever.
12:16 – Natasha has been filing her nails with a shark tooth for six minutes. Tony Stark and Steve Rogers arrive. They are the last two required for the meeting to begin.
12:18 – Agent Coulson begins proceedings by opening the forum for discussion on the success of the previous mission. Tony is unwilling to answer until his ‘people’ have brought him a caramel macchiato. Steve says that this is ‘spoiled’ and that Tony is a ‘hollow shell of a man inside the armour’. Clint snaps his fingers. Natasha raises an eyebrow. Agent Coulson considers the secret supply of cyanide pills he keeps in his desk drawer.
12:20 – Tony Stark and Steve Rogers are still arguing about whether or not Tony is ‘too spoiled to function’. Tony says that he’s not spoiled, he is ‘chiselled, handsome and not bad in the sack, either’. Steve says this has nothing to do with whether or not he is spoiled. Tony agrees, but says it’s still true. Bruce starts banging his head into a wall. Agent Coulson is tempted to do the same.
12:23 – Natasha ends the argument by throwing a pen at Tony. It hits him on the temple and knocks him out cold. Steve looks grateful. Clint looks jealous. Bruce looks horrified. Agent Coulson has been specially trained not to reveal his emotions, but were he able to show how he felt, he would probably look a mixture of impressed, aroused and terrified.
12:26 – The door to the room – which has been deadlocked – bursts open and Thor Odinson enters, beaming. He announces that he ‘was not informed’ of the meeting, but would like to join in. He has brought ale. Clint looks pleased about this. Steve looks dubious. Tony is still unconscious, but his finger is twitching.
12:28 – Tony wakes up, suddenly, grabbing Steve’s arm in the process. Steve yells. Bruce winces. Tony explains that the arc reactor ‘has its uses’. Natasha looks disappointed. Agent Coulson just wants the meeting to start.
12:30 – Thor falls over the couch. Agent Coulson has nothing left to say on this matter, but he isn’t cleaning up Asgardian blood.
12:34 – Agent Coulson asks whether or not the Avengers felt they worked well as a team. Thor grins, blood trickling down his forehead, and announces that they were ‘BROTHERS IN ARMS’. Agent Coulson accidentally activates caps lock for that sentence, but finds it rather fitting. Natasha crosses her arms and asks what is meant by ‘team’. Tony says it means ‘Stark’s bitches’. Clint objects by flicking an elastic band at Tony. Steve says he felt they worked well together. Bruce starts laughing hysterically.
12:37 – Clint starts drinking Thor’s ale.
12:39 – Clint is completely drunk.
12:41 – Tony is also intoxicated.
12:43 – Natasha is now drunk. Thor is trying to explain Asgardian courting rituals to Bruce, who looks unusually interested.
12:45 – Tony tells Steve that he’s called Iron Man because he’s ‘got abs of steel’. He asks Steve if he would like to feel them. Steve declines.
12:46 – Tony is still requesting that Steve touch various parts of his body. Steve is gallantly refusing. Agent Coulson has given up on both this meeting and his sanity.
12:48 – Natasha and Clint are making out on the sofa. Tony is taking pictures.
12:50 – Natasha has discovered Tony’s photography hobby. She crushes his phone with her bare hands. Tony squeaks and hides behind Steve. Steve announces that he wishes he could get drunk. Agent Coulson knows the feeling.
12:52 – Tony requests they play a game. Agent Coulson denies the request and asks that they discuss their plans for the next mission, should they be called up at a time when they are not already together. Tony groans. Clint giggles.
12:53 – Agent Coulson wonders what his punishment would be for murdering Earth’s saviours. He thinks he’d like to risk it.
12:59 – All Hell has broken loose. Agent Coulson stands on the desk, demanding order. Natasha and Clint are still kissing on the sofa. Bruce and Tony are arguing about who is ‘the most geniusest’. Steve is crying. Thor is announcing to no-one in particular that he kissed a girl, once.
13:05 – Agent Coulson is writing this with his head in his hands. He’s afraid of what he’ll see if he looks up.
13:07 – He still hasn’t looked up, but he can hear laughter and faint sobs.
13:11 – Tony has removed his shirt and is proudly displaying the arc reactor to Bruce. Bruce appears mildly impressed. Thor likes ‘its lustrous glint’. Clint and Natasha are still preoccupied.
13:15 – Steve stops crying. Tony looks pleased about this.
13:18 – Steve and Tony have relocated to the corner of the room to talk about ‘literature’. Agent Coulson attempts to get them to sit back at the table. Tony calls him a ‘peanut-headed surname’. Agent Coulson is more pissed off than offended.
13:19 – Agent Coulson realises he has sworn in the official minutes. He doesn’t give a fuck.
13:20 – Agent Coulson considers quitting.
13:21 – Agent Coulson doesn’t want to let the bastards win.
13:25 – Natasha and Clint have stopped kissing and are now arguing about who is the better assassin. Clint throws a paperclip over his shoulder. It hits Thor in the nose. Thor doesn’t notice.
13:27 – Natasha and Clint start kissing again. Steve and Tony follow suit.
13:30 – Agent Coulson hasn’t opened his eyes in nearly two minutes.
13:35 – Agent Coulson opens his eyes. Thor and Bruce are now kissing. Agent Coulson feels like he has walked onto the set of a B grade pornography film. He didn’t sign up for this shit.
13:37 – Bruce requests that they take a break so he can take Thor to the bathroom and clean up his head wound, which is now bleeding fairly profusely. Clint looks rather ill. Agent Coulson grants Bruce’s request, and everyone files out of the room.
13:49 – Agent Coulson realises that he did not give a time for the Avengers to be back in the room. He resolves to wait half an hour in total.
14:19 – Agent Coulson wishes he hadn’t been born. He finds a Twinkie in the desk drawer. He eats it, then records it on the minutes.
14:21 – Why is Agent Coulson still here?
14:25 – Fury, if you’re reading this, you don’t pay Coulson enough.
14:27 – Agent Coulson is too traumatised to leave this room. Send help.
Chapter 2: Agent Coulson and the Idle Gossip
Agent Coulson's mission, should he choose to accept it, is to find out how the Avengers are coping with life at Stark Towers. His mission is NOT, dammit, to babysit randy teenagers and clean up sick.
Date : April 11th
Attending Agent : Agent Coulson
Subject of brief : Check to see how Avengers are coping with communal life in Stark Towers. Remind Avengers that you are in charge.
You are in charge. You are the boss. You can do this.
08:59 – Agent Coulson arrives, one minute early. Having decided to hold this meeting on neutral territory at a local cafe, he orders an iced tea. He expects Fury to take this out of his expenses.
09:04 – Natasha Romanoff arrives. She orders vodka. Agent Coulson does not think this will be covered under expense claims.
09:06 – Natasha tells Agent Coulson she likes his tie. Agent Coulson suspects that this is a diversionary tactic intended to make him forget that the rest of the Avengers team are going to be horribly late, but he accepts the compliment. It is a nice tie.
09:08 – Natasha so far likes Agent Coulson’s hair, his shoes, his suit jacket, his distinguished aura and his musky scent.
09:11 – Natasha has run out of false compliments. Agent Coulson suggests she might compliment his jawline. She winces. He doesn’t push the matter.
09:14 – Bruce Banner arrives. He orders an espresso and three chocolate éclairs. Agent Coulson is not surprised, but he is hungry.
09:15 – Bruce and Natasha are talking amongst themselves. Agent Coulson is pleased to report that they are using their indoor voices. Bruce says he ‘can’t believe the mess Tony made last night’. Natasha says she’s going to be sick if Bruce reminds her. Agent Coulson is starting to worry about where this meeting is going.
09:17 – Thor Odinson arrives. Again, he was not invited, but jubilantly announces he ‘wishes to partake in the festivities of his friends’. He orders seventeen chocolate brownies, three slices of cherry pie and four pots of tea. Agent Coulson is going to make sure that this isn’t covered by his expenses.
09:19 – Bruce asks Thor for his opinion on ‘last night’s majestic fuck-up’. Thor laughs heartily (Agent Coulson can’t think of another adjective that fits better, so suck it up, Fury) and declares that ‘Midgardians are learning the ways of Asgard’. Agent Coulson does not understand this reference. He’s not sure he wants to.
09:23 – Thor has eaten fourteen of the brownies. Natasha says he can’t have any more or he’ll be sick. Bruce says that’s unlikely; Thor is used to eating more than that in a shorter period of time. Agent Coulson has faith in Bruce’s knowledge of Asgardian biology.
09:24 – Thor is sick.
09:31 – Steve Rogers arrives just as the cleaning staff have finished cleaning up Thor’s mess. Agent Coulson remarks that it is unusual for Steve to be late to team meetings. Steve sighs and says that ‘life got in the way’. Natasha pats him on the shoulder. Bruce offers him one of Thor’s remaining brownies. Steve announces that it smells like sick. Thor looks shifty.
09:34 – Agent Coulson is trying to deduce from the hushed whispers of his subordinates what exactly occurred last night. So far, he has picked up on the words ‘Tony’, ‘royal’ and ‘prick’. He thinks he can make an adequate assumption as to the previous night’s events from this. It doesn’t look pretty.
09:36 – Steve caves in and orders coffee and toast. Thor pats him on the back rather violently. Natasha has eaten Thor’s pie. Thor hasn’t noticed.
09:38 – Thor has noticed. He looks warningly at Natasha, who raises an eyebrow. Thor immediately backs down.
09:40 – Clint Barton arrives, only 40 minutes late. He looks at Natasha and shakes his head. She shrugs and says ‘if he won’t come, he won’t come’. Agent Coulson would have preferred this to be in context, but thinks he gets the gist. He here makes a note not to expect Tony Stark to turn up, for a change.
09:42 – Clint does not order anything. Agent Coulson is glad of this as he does not like filling out expenses forms.
09:44 – Agent Coulson announces that the meeting has officially begun. He brings up the first point of discussion; communal life in Stark Towers. Bruce snorts. Steve sighs morosely into his coffee. Natasha cracks her knuckles. Thor eats a brownie. Clint raises an eyebrow. Agent Coulson thinks he can see their point.
09:45 – ‘Living with Stark is like constantly babysitting the world’s hairiest toddler’ is Natasha’s statement. Agent Coulson would like to point out that arranging these meetings is a lot like that, but doesn’t. He likes his testicles to be kept in place.
09:47 – ‘In Asgard, we have a term for people such as him’ begins Thor’s statement. It finishes with ‘and we would call him a pansy’. Bruce does not wish to make a formal statement, but would like it noted that he fully agrees with Thor.
09:50 – Steve does not make an official statement. Instead, he announces that this is ‘absolutely not OK’ and slams his hands on the table, standing up with enough force that he knocks his chair backwards.
09:51 – Tony Stark walks in. He has a black eye. He takes one look at Steve, who has just stood up, and asks if he came in at a bad time. Steve gives him a withering glance. Natasha gives him the finger. Agent Coulson would give anything for an easy life.
09:52 – Tony sits down, as does Steve. Tony orders what Agent Coulson would call a ‘hangover breakfast’, but what Tony calls ‘the breakfast of champions’. Steve mutters under his breath ‘the breakfast of idiots, more like’. Tony pretends to be offended. Agent Coulson wonders how much he’s actually pretending.
09:55 – None of the Avengers have said a word to one another in almost 3 minutes. This is possibly a new record. Agent Coulson is – for the first time in his life – unnerved. He decides to find out what happened last night and adds to the list of motions ‘fix the Avengers’ social lives’. He thinks that might take a long time and changes it to ‘fix the Avengers’ social lives involving events that have occurred within the previous 24 hours’.
09:58 – Agent Coulson subtly asks Tony what happened at Stark Towers last night. Tony raises an eyebrow and says that it is ‘not nice to listen to idle gossip’. Steve retorts that ‘it isn’t nice to leave your best friends locked in a cellar for two hours with an insane robot either’. Agent Coulson thinks this answers his question.
10:00 – Tony and Steve are arguing about what constitutes insanity in a robot. Bruce and Thor have tuned out of the conversation and are ordering more pastries from the scared-looking waitress. Natasha and Clint are throwing napkin trajectories at other customers. Agent Coulson wonders how the meeting managed to disintegrate into madness so quickly when it had started so well.
10:01 – Agent Coulson realises how the meeting managed to disintegrate into madness so quickly when it had started so well. It is because his life is a karmic joke.
10:03 – Steve says that Tony ‘only cares about metal things with oily joints’. Tony says that none of his robots have oily joints, thank you very much. Steve says that he’s just proven his point. Tony says that his mom’s just proven his point. Steve tells Tony to stop being childish. Tony tells Steve to stop being terribly muscly. Steve blushes and says that he can’t help it. Tony says that he can’t help being childish. Steve says that it’s not the same. Bruce interjects and says that technically it’s not dissimilar as Tony’s immaturity is due to brain chemistry. Tony sticks his tongue out at Steve. Agent Coulson rests his head on the table.
10:08 – Thor is sincerely explaining to Clint in hushed tones (for an Asgardian, this means only slightly above normal speaking range) how he should further woo Natasha. He tells him that he ‘must not smash cups or plates. I do not know whether bowls are acceptable’. Clint nods seriously. Agent Coulson thinks he’s actually listening. Steve and Tony have relocated to a nearby table where they are having a heated debate in hissed whispers. Agent Coulson can only pick up on a few words; ‘kinky’, ‘genius’ and ‘handsome’ from Tony and ‘narcissist’, ‘spoiled’ and ‘unfair’ from Steve.
10:15 – Bruce tells Agent Coulson that last night, Tony invited all the Avengers down to his basement, where he intended to show them the updates he’d been making to their uniforms. Instead, Tony had forgotten and locked everyone in the basement. One of his old robots had developed a claustrophobia virus and started screaming about the walls caving in. Thor had fainted. They had been stuck for two hours. Agent Coulson makes a mental note to check whether there is security camera footage of this, and to upload it to his private Youtube account immediately.
10:18 – Clint smashes a bowl. The cafe goes quiet. Natasha furrows her brow. Clint turns red and mutters ‘Thor told me to do it’. Natasha sighs and looks at Thor, who tries to hide behind his beard.
10:20 – Steve and Tony are kissing furiously at the next table. Agent Coulson is glad that his seat is facing away from them. Bruce is not so lucky. He’s turning green, but not in the way that foreshadows a Hulk episode.
10:22 – Bruce is sick.
10:23 – Thor is sick.
10:24 – The cleaning staff come over and look at Agent Coulson angrily. He tells them that he’ll use contraception next time and it’s not his fault that their mother has gone out to work, leaving him in control of all of them. A cleaner shoves a mop into his hands. Agent Coulson is not paid to clean up sick. He’s not going to do it.
10:30 – Agent Coulson has finished cleaning up Thor’s sick. Bruce’s sick has been cleaned up by an actual cleaner. Agent Coulson hands the mop back and makes a note in official S.H.I.E.L.D e-documentation to bring the lazy cleaner in for questioning and a good telling off.
10:34 – Clint asks if the meeting is finished. Apparently, he and Natasha have to ‘see a man about a dog’.
10:36 – Tony calls over that if they don’t wrap the meeting up soon, he is going to be forced to copulate with Steve on the table. Steve does not seem opposed to this. Agent Coulson very much is.
10:37 – Agent Coulson calls an end to the meeting. Within seconds, he is the only one left at the table. Tony and Steve also rush out.
10:38 – Agent Coulson notices that Thor hasn’t finished his pie. He decides to finish it for him.
10:44 – Agent Coulson is still eating pie. It’s good, but if he comes back to this place – if he’s allowed back, that is – he’ll probably try the lemon.
Chapter 3: Agent Coulson and the Relaxing Beach Holiday
Date : June 15th
Attending Agent : Agent Coulson
Subject of brief : Team morale building exercise. Drive to the beach. Enjoy time off.
Find a reason for living
09:00: Coulson is waiting by the car. He has been waiting by the car for ten minutes. In those ten minutes, he has saved a man from drowning and prevented a teenage girl from getting shot. He hopes the Avengers are on time today or he’s going to set some new records for crimefighting that’ll make Fury blush.
09:04: The Avengers are late.
09:06: Tony Stark is the first to arrive. Coulson would like it noted that it is apparently entirely possible to surprise an agent who has seen it all before.
09:07: Steve Rogers is the second to arrive. Tony looks at him and sighs, saying “When I tell you to wait five minutes, could you actually wait five minutes? And tuck your shirt in, it looks like I’ve been deflowering you.” Steve blushes and mumbles something that Coulson thinks (but my God he hopes he’s wrong) sounds like “You have been deflowering me,” adding “and I hate being late.” Coulson just hates everything. Mostly his job, but also his life.
09:08: Agent Coulson is debating as to the accuracy of describing his existence as a ‘life’.
09:09: Tony asks if they can play a game while they wait for the others. Coulson says no. Tony sulks.
09:12: Tony is still sulking. Steve has gone to sit in the back of the car.
09:14: Tony is still sulking. Coulson has sat in the driver’s seat.
09:16: Steve sighs and tells Tony to get in the car. He does, but he’s not happy about it. Agent Coulson realises that his car doesn’t have child safety locks.
09:19: Bruce Banner, Thor Odinson and Natasha Romanoff arrive. Natasha says that Clint is trying to choose a pair of jeans that he can actually sit down in. Agent Coulson thinks this is a good idea.
09:20: Thor is admiring the car, which he calls a ‘mighty metal chariot’. Agent Coulson is simultaneously flattered and disturbed.
09:21: Thor has managed to burst the exhaust pipe. Agent Coulson has burst a blood vessel in his brain.
09:24: Steve has managed to persuade Tony to fix the exhaust pipe. Agent Coulson doesn’t want to know how Steve managed to persuade him.
09:26: Clint Barton arrives. He is wearing sweatpants. Natasha raises an eyebrow. Clint states that it was the best he could do on short notice. As far as Agent Coulson is concerned, as long as he doesn’t have to put up with two hours in a car journey sat next to a man whose buttocks look like over-ripened peaches in strained denim, it’s all good.
09:27: Tony has finished fixing the exhaust pipe. He has improvised something out of a paperclip and Dictaphone. He has promised that the exhaust pipe does not have Artificial Intelligence.
09:29: The exhaust pipe announces that it is “above this shit, driving you bunch of pansies around, farting out gas like Barton after a strudel” and it wants a promotion. Tony says “you are not above anything. You are an exhaust pipe,” and that seems to shut it up.
09:34: Agent Coulson is able to begin the journey. Thor has sat in the front passenger seat and is fiddling with the stereo.
09:35: Thor has decided that ‘Single Ladies’ by Beyonce is similar to a ‘merry Asgardian rousing anthem’. He is threatening to tap the knuckles of anyone who attempts to change the station with Mjolnir.
09:36: Clint decides he would rather risk Mjolnir than put a ring on it. He reaches out to change the station. Thor roars indignantly and flicks Clint on the side of the head. Clint is immediately knocked unconscious.
09:37: Thor looks bashful. He says it was an accident.
09:38: Agent Coulson wordlessly turns the radio off. The Avengers sit in silence.
09:39: Natasha announces that she is bored.
09:40: Steve says that he is bored.
09:41: Bruce states that he is bored.
09:42: Tony moans that he is so bored he might start a debate with the exhaust pipe.
09:43: Clint is still unconscious. Thor is reaching into the back seat and stroking his head. Bruce is giving him a very funny look, as is Natasha.
09:46: Tony starts a debate with the exhaust pipe. He rolls down his window and almost climbs out. He asks the exhaust pipe what it thinks of the situation in Chechnya. The exhaust pipe tells him to ‘fuck off’. Agent Coulson is on the exhaust pipe’s side in this one.
09:50: Natasha complains that she is still bored. Bruce agrees.
09:53: Bruce offers to give a lecture on the Higgs-Boson concept in order to alleviate the boredom. Steve seems interested. Everyone else does not.
09:55: Tony asks if they can play a game. Agent Coulson values his sanity – what precious few shreds are left of it – and says no. Tony sulks.
09:56: Steve asks if they can play a game. Suddenly, this seems like an excellent idea. It appears that no-one can say ‘no’ to Captain America. Agent Coulson decides to give it a try. He says ‘no’.
09:57: The Avengers start playing ‘I Spy’. Steve goes first. His letter is ‘T’.
09:58: Tony is guessing all the rude words and insults he can beginning with ‘T’. So far, he has attempted ‘twat’, ‘tit’, ‘tool’ and ‘testicular wart’. Steve says that ‘testicular wart’ is two words. Bruce says he is going to be sick.
09:59: Natasha guesses ‘Tony’. She is correct. Bruce says that Tony already guessed ‘twat’. Tony pokes him. Bruce says he still feels sick. He asks if they can pull over. Agent Coulson pretends he hasn’t heard him.
10:03: Tony announces that ‘I Spy’ is boring and he wants to play ‘Nick Fury Spies’. Natasha asks him how this would work. Tony explains that each player has to imagine where Fury might be and guess what he might be able to see. Thor says that this sounds like ‘excellent merriment’. Bruce says that he feels sick. Clint doesn’t say anything as he is still unconscious.
10:04: Tony says “I, Nick Fury, punisher of faith and drinker of the tears of orphans spy, with my one beady little eye, something beginning with ‘b’ and then ‘m’.” Steve points out that that would be two words. Tony says that the rules of ‘Nick Fury Spies’ are different. Steve accepts this and guesses ‘beer mat’. Agent Coulson wonders what the Avengers think Nick Fury does on a job. He realises that he doesn’t actually know what Nick Fury does when he’s at work and resolves to find out.
10:05: Bruce’s guess of ‘I’m seriously going to hurl’ turns out to be incorrect in terms of ‘Nick Fury Spies’ but ultimately unfortunately correct. He is sick. Agent Coulson pulls over and wonders when his job title changed from ‘ultimate BAMF’ to ‘underpaid babysitter’.
10:07: The exhaust pipe says that Bruce is ‘a weak little hussy’. Bruce is apologetically attempting to clean up his mess. He is not doing a successful job. The smell of vomit appears to rouse Clint, probably because he has a fair portion on his face.
10:08: Clint guesses ‘bondage and masochism’. Bruce is promptly sick again. Steve takes him out of the car to get some fresh air.
10:10: Natasha has guessed ‘bone marrow’. Tony says she has the first word right. Thor booms ‘bones of mortals’.
10:11: Thor was correct. Natasha shakes her head. Agent Coulson briefly wonders why he was ever born before going to get Bruce and Steve.
10:15: The Avengers are on their way again. Bruce is sitting in the front, on Steve’s advice. The smell of vomit is lingering.
10:17: Thor says his word begins with ‘m’.
10:18: Steve guesses ‘Midgard’. He is correct. Thor sulks.
10:19: Steve says that his phrase begins with ‘o’, ‘o’, ‘o’ and ‘e’. He is grinning mischievously.
10:26: No-one has guessed Steve’s phrase. Agent Coulson hopes they reach a service station soon. The smell of sick is beginning to become overpowering.
10:27: Tony suddenly starts laughing. Natasha looks shocked and reflexively throws her lipstick at him. Tony keeps laughing. Steve is beaming. Agent Coulson never knew it was possible to crave fresh air, but apparently it is.
10:29: Tony manages, through peals of hysterical laughter, to say ‘out of one eye’. He is correct. Steve is grinning and blushing. Natasha announces that she has become diabetic. Bruce announces that he feels sick. Agent Coulson slams on the brakes and the car squeals to a halt. The exhaust pipe says that it is sick of being abused.
10:36: Bruce is standing outside the car, being sick. Thor is attempting to comfort him by rubbing his back. It doesn’t look like it’s helping. Natasha and Clint are throwing things at passing cars. Agent Coulson wants to throw in the towel.
10:40: Bruce sheepishly gets back in the car, as does Thor. Agent Coulson starts the engine.
10:42: Tony says that his phrase begins with ‘c’ and ‘c’.
10:43: Steve guesses ‘crushed children’. Tony looks shocked, but apparently Steve is correct. Bruce looks queasy.
10:44: Steve says that his phrase begins with ‘b’ and ‘j’.
10:45: Tony guesses ‘bloody justice’. He is correct.
10:46: Clint is cross that Tony didn’t guess ‘blowjob’ before he got it right. Natasha says that Steve and Tony clearly have ‘creepy couple ESP’ and she would rather be kicked in the face by a naked Lenin than carry on with this game.
10:54: The Avengers are still sitting in silence.
10:55: Bruce switches the radio on. ‘Call Me, Maybe’ starts playing. Tony says that he is going to kill himself. Agent Coulson feels similarly.
10:56: Steve and Thor are singing along to the radio. No-one else knows the words. The others look disgusted.
10:57: Tony asks Steve how he knew the words to ‘the most annoying thing since cholera’. Steve says he borrowed Tony’s iPod last week. Tony turns bright red.
11:00: ‘Boyfriend’ by Justin Bieber (Agent Coulson has been reliably informed that this is the case. He obviously was not aware of this before. Not at all. No.) begins playing. Tony and Steve look at each other for a few seconds before simultaneously bursting into song, complete with over-the-top gestures and facial expressions. Agent Coulson remembers the time when he idolised Captain America. He misses those times.
11:14: The Avengers have worked their way through a medley of irritating ditties. Agent Coulson doesn’t recognise any of them.
11:16: ‘Eye of the Tiger’ comes on. Bruce makes a move to change stations but Agent Coulson completely justifiably) smacks his hand out of the way.
11:18: The Avengers are staring, wide-eyed, as Agent Coulson performs a stunning and heart-stopping rendition of ‘Eye of the Tiger’.
11:20: Bruce silently turns the radio off. Agent Coulson grins. Mission successful.
11:22: Tony announces that he is bored.
11:23: Tony announces that he is bored.
11:24: Tony announces that he is bored.
11:25: Tony announces that he is bored. Natasha takes off her shoe and starts beating him with it. Steve doesn’t stop her.
11:27: Thor announces that he is hungry. Agent Coulson is also hungry.
11:42: Agent Coulson pulls over at a diner on the roadside. He tells the Avengers to behave themselves.
11:59: The Avengers aren’t behaving themselves. Bruce has been sick on the floor. Thor has eaten sixteen hamburgers (Agent Coulson is NOT taking this out of his expenses). Natasha and Clint are stealing other customers’ food. Tony and Steve have disappeared to the bathroom. Agent Coulson wonders if he could drive his car into oncoming traffic.
12:23: The Avengers wordlessly file back into the car. They have been banned from all diners in the state. As a punishment, Agent Coulson announces that they won’t be going to the beach. He turns the car around.
12:26: Thor is crying. Agent Coulson feels like the worst person that ever existed. He turns the car back around.
12:32: Tony complains that there is sick on his seat. Bruce blushes. Steve sighs and says that Tony can sit on his lap. Tony doesn’t complain about this.
12:34: Steve and Tony are violently kissing. Bruce is not happy about this.
12:46: Steve and Tony are still kissing.
13:01: It is looking dangerously like the kissing is on the edge of turning into something else. Agent Coulson slams on the brakes. Tony falls off Steve’s lap. Agent Coulson tries very hard to feel bad about this. He doesn’t succeed.
13:05: The beach is now visible in the distance. Thor becomes inordinately excited and starts bouncing up and down in his seat. Agent Coulson can feel the car lifting off the ground. He prays.
13:07: Natasha says her word begins with ‘u’ and ‘p’. Tony says they’re not playing any more. Natasha raises an eyebrow. Tony changes his mind.
13:08: Bruce guesses ‘unsanitary practices’. Steve seems impressed. Natasha says he’s not correct.
13:09: Thor guesses ‘umbrella partridge’. No-one seems impressed. Thor is not correct.
13:10: Clint guesses ‘unfulfilled potential’. He is correct. Agent Coulson is impressed.
13:11: Clint’s word begins with ‘m’, ‘i’ and ‘f’. Tony guesses ‘mother I’d fuck’. Steve pokes him.
13:12: Bruce guesses ‘maggot infested fool’. Bruce is correct. Natasha looks jealous.
13:18: Bruce’s word doesn’t begin with anything because they have arrived at the beach. Thor whoops joyously and announces that he ‘must disrobe’. Before anyone can stop him, he has taken off all his clothes bar his underpants, jumped out the car and started running towards the ocean.
13:20: Tony looks at Steve. Steve looks at Tony. Tony challenges Steve to a race to the sea. Steve accepts. Agent Coulson wishes he’d brought a good book.
13:26: All Avengers are now writhing naked in the ocean. Thor announces that he is a merman. He seems to really believe it. Agent Coulson would here like to note that Thor is due a SHIELD psychiatric examination. He doesn’t think his chances of passing it look very good.
13:29: Agent Coulson plays a game of ‘I, Agent Coulson, hard-working and underappreciated agent, spy with my little eye’. His word begins with ‘t’, ‘n’, ‘m’, ‘s’, ‘e’ and ‘s’.
13:30: Agent Coulson guesses ‘things no man should ever see’. He is correct. Bruce proves his point by emerging from the see in nothing but a pair of boxers rendered almost transparent by the sea, announcing that he is Daniel Craig.
13:45: Natasha and Clint are building a sand fortress, complete with sand machine guns, sand soldiers and sand decomposing bodies.
13:50: Thor crushes the sand fortress by mistake. Natasha and Clint glare at him with the fury of Fury.
13:51: Natasha and Clint are chasing Thor, wielding makeshift spears. They appear to have been constructed from seaweed and driftwood. They look lethal.
13:55: Agent Coulson’s word begins with ‘t’, ‘s’ and ‘t’. He guesses ‘terror, sheer terror’ and is correct.
14:00: Agent Coulson wants to go home. Tony and Steve are furiously kissing. Thor is crying. Bruce is being sick.
14:05: Agent Coulson goes home. He’s not a damn taxi service. He’s not a babysitter. He’s an agent and he’s going to take early retirement at this rate.
14:06: Agent Coulson’s phrase begins with ‘n’, ‘w’ and ‘o’.
14:07: He guesses ‘no way out’. He is correct. He has received a text from Tony that reads ‘we miss yoooou, daddy, come home’.
14:09: He receives a text from Tony. It is a picture of Steve posing seductively with the caption ‘you are missing out on a lot of fun, Agent ;)’
14:10: Tony texts again. It is a picture of Steve looking sad. In the background, Thor is holding Clint above his head. Natasha looks furious.
14:11: He received another text. It is from Tony and contains a picture of Steve hugging a crying Thor. The caption reads ‘having fun with the kids, wish you were here!’
14:12: Agent Coulson needs a day off. He turns the car around.
14:36: Agent Coulson is writhing naked in the sea and it feels pretty damn good. Suck on it, Fury.