Chapter Text
Date : February 29th
Attending Agent : Agent Coulson
Subject of brief : Regrouping the initiative. Discussing progress. Finding out where Tony gets his suits.
Minutes :
12:00 – Agent Coulson arrives, exactly on time. He looks very dashing. He’s definitely not writing this.
12:07 – Seven minutes late, the first Avenger arrives (Natasha Romanoff).
12:08 – Clint Barton enters. Natasha whispers that he ‘was supposed to wait five minutes’. He pinches her behind. Agent Coulson pretends not to notice.
12:11 – Bruce Banner arrives. His shirt is hanging off him in tatters. He warns Agent Coulson that ‘if he says so much as a single, solitary syllable about the state of his shirt, he will switch his hair regrowth spray with sulphuric acid’. Agent Coulson would like it put on the record that he does not use hair regrowth spray.
12:12 – Ever.
12:16 – Natasha has been filing her nails with a shark tooth for six minutes. Tony Stark and Steve Rogers arrive. They are the last two required for the meeting to begin.
12:18 – Agent Coulson begins proceedings by opening the forum for discussion on the success of the previous mission. Tony is unwilling to answer until his ‘people’ have brought him a caramel macchiato. Steve says that this is ‘spoiled’ and that Tony is a ‘hollow shell of a man inside the armour’. Clint snaps his fingers. Natasha raises an eyebrow. Agent Coulson considers the secret supply of cyanide pills he keeps in his desk drawer.
12:20 – Tony Stark and Steve Rogers are still arguing about whether or not Tony is ‘too spoiled to function’. Tony says that he’s not spoiled, he is ‘chiselled, handsome and not bad in the sack, either’. Steve says this has nothing to do with whether or not he is spoiled. Tony agrees, but says it’s still true. Bruce starts banging his head into a wall. Agent Coulson is tempted to do the same.
12:23 – Natasha ends the argument by throwing a pen at Tony. It hits him on the temple and knocks him out cold. Steve looks grateful. Clint looks jealous. Bruce looks horrified. Agent Coulson has been specially trained not to reveal his emotions, but were he able to show how he felt, he would probably look a mixture of impressed, aroused and terrified.
12:26 – The door to the room – which has been deadlocked – bursts open and Thor Odinson enters, beaming. He announces that he ‘was not informed’ of the meeting, but would like to join in. He has brought ale. Clint looks pleased about this. Steve looks dubious. Tony is still unconscious, but his finger is twitching.
12:28 – Tony wakes up, suddenly, grabbing Steve’s arm in the process. Steve yells. Bruce winces. Tony explains that the arc reactor ‘has its uses’. Natasha looks disappointed. Agent Coulson just wants the meeting to start.
12:30 – Thor falls over the couch. Agent Coulson has nothing left to say on this matter, but he isn’t cleaning up Asgardian blood.
12:34 – Agent Coulson asks whether or not the Avengers felt they worked well as a team. Thor grins, blood trickling down his forehead, and announces that they were ‘BROTHERS IN ARMS’. Agent Coulson accidentally activates caps lock for that sentence, but finds it rather fitting. Natasha crosses her arms and asks what is meant by ‘team’. Tony says it means ‘Stark’s bitches’. Clint objects by flicking an elastic band at Tony. Steve says he felt they worked well together. Bruce starts laughing hysterically.
12:37 – Clint starts drinking Thor’s ale.
12:39 – Clint is completely drunk.
12:41 – Tony is also intoxicated.
12:43 – Natasha is now drunk. Thor is trying to explain Asgardian courting rituals to Bruce, who looks unusually interested.
12:45 – Tony tells Steve that he’s called Iron Man because he’s ‘got abs of steel’. He asks Steve if he would like to feel them. Steve declines.
12:46 – Tony is still requesting that Steve touch various parts of his body. Steve is gallantly refusing. Agent Coulson has given up on both this meeting and his sanity.
12:48 – Natasha and Clint are making out on the sofa. Tony is taking pictures.
12:50 – Natasha has discovered Tony’s photography hobby. She crushes his phone with her bare hands. Tony squeaks and hides behind Steve. Steve announces that he wishes he could get drunk. Agent Coulson knows the feeling.
12:52 – Tony requests they play a game. Agent Coulson denies the request and asks that they discuss their plans for the next mission, should they be called up at a time when they are not already together. Tony groans. Clint giggles.
12:53 – Agent Coulson wonders what his punishment would be for murdering Earth’s saviours. He thinks he’d like to risk it.
12:59 – All Hell has broken loose. Agent Coulson stands on the desk, demanding order. Natasha and Clint are still kissing on the sofa. Bruce and Tony are arguing about who is ‘the most geniusest’. Steve is crying. Thor is announcing to no-one in particular that he kissed a girl, once.
13:05 – Agent Coulson is writing this with his head in his hands. He’s afraid of what he’ll see if he looks up.
13:07 – He still hasn’t looked up, but he can hear laughter and faint sobs.
13:11 – Tony has removed his shirt and is proudly displaying the arc reactor to Bruce. Bruce appears mildly impressed. Thor likes ‘its lustrous glint’. Clint and Natasha are still preoccupied.
13:15 – Steve stops crying. Tony looks pleased about this.
13:18 – Steve and Tony have relocated to the corner of the room to talk about ‘literature’. Agent Coulson attempts to get them to sit back at the table. Tony calls him a ‘peanut-headed surname’. Agent Coulson is more pissed off than offended.
13:19 – Agent Coulson realises he has sworn in the official minutes. He doesn’t give a fuck.
13:20 – Agent Coulson considers quitting.
13:21 – Agent Coulson doesn’t want to let the bastards win.
13:25 – Natasha and Clint have stopped kissing and are now arguing about who is the better assassin. Clint throws a paperclip over his shoulder. It hits Thor in the nose. Thor doesn’t notice.
13:27 – Natasha and Clint start kissing again. Steve and Tony follow suit.
13:30 – Agent Coulson hasn’t opened his eyes in nearly two minutes.
13:35 – Agent Coulson opens his eyes. Thor and Bruce are now kissing. Agent Coulson feels like he has walked onto the set of a B grade pornography film. He didn’t sign up for this shit.
13:37 – Bruce requests that they take a break so he can take Thor to the bathroom and clean up his head wound, which is now bleeding fairly profusely. Clint looks rather ill. Agent Coulson grants Bruce’s request, and everyone files out of the room.
13:49 – Agent Coulson realises that he did not give a time for the Avengers to be back in the room. He resolves to wait half an hour in total.
14:19 – Agent Coulson wishes he hadn’t been born. He finds a Twinkie in the desk drawer. He eats it, then records it on the minutes.
14:21 – Why is Agent Coulson still here?
14:25 – Fury, if you’re reading this, you don’t pay Coulson enough.
14:27 – Agent Coulson is too traumatised to leave this room. Send help.