“I’m leaving,” Kurt announced as he entered the living room. He’d done everything he could to steel himself for the onslaught that he imagined might come from that statement.
He’d taken deep breaths, and he’d covered himself in excessive layers of expensive designer clothing as a symbolic armor against both of his boyfriends. He’d, in a sense, girded his loins for the fight.
What he hadn’t expected was the complete lack of reaction to the statement at all.
Sebastian didn’t even look up from his book, and Blaine didn’t bother to stand up from the piano, where he was scribbling lyrics and melodies again. They hadn’t even heard him, which, while frustrating, was also fitting, considering they hadn’t been listening to him at all for weeks now.
“What babe?” Sebastian didn’t bother to look up as he asked the question. “What did you say?”
“I said I’m leaving,” Kurt repeated.
He’d been packing over the past three days, always while the both of them were gone. If they’d noticed that his belongings were slowly going missing, they hadn’t mentioned it. They hadn’t asked.
Now, he was completely packed with the few items he’d had left. He’d moved the other items, especially his clothes, to his new apartment, which would be shared with Finn now that he and Rachel had broken up. Both he and his step-brother were just done with their relationships. Both were just done feeling like second best.
“Okay, what time will you be back?” Blaine asked, still not making eye contact with Kurt.
“I won’t be,” Kurt said softly, but loudly enough for them to hear, if they were interested in listening.
Kurt turned and walked away from the year long relationship he’d never wanted in the first place. It had been Blaine’s and Sebastian’s idea. Deep down, Kurt had always known that it had been Blaine’s way of having what he wanted without losing Kurt.
A way for Blaine to have Sebastian without leaving Kurt. A way for Sebastian to have Blaine while putting up with Kurt’s presence. A way for everybody but Kurt to have what they wanted.
Kurt wasn’t enough for Blaine, and he’d never been what Sebastian had wanted in the first place. And after last night’s argument, Kurt had known his decision of three days ago had been the right one.
He’d been even more convinced when he'd woken up and neither one of them had been in the bedroom with him, begging him to stay. Telling him they loved him. Making sure he felt better after the insanity of the night before.
No, there they sat in the living room, ignoring the aftermath of what they’d probably brushed off as Kurt having another “moment.” As Kurt losing it again.
When he heard Sebastian’s shout, he realized that the parting words had finally sunk in to Sebastian’s consciousness. Kurt had the front door open when Sebastian rounded the corner, sliding across the floor in his socks.
“What do you mean? I thought we talked about this.” Sebastian’s face was one of panic. “Blaine!”
“It’s not hard to figure out, Bas. I think I’m making myself very clear here,” Kurt watched Sebastian flinch at his own words during last night’s argument being used against him. “I’m leaving. And I’m not coming back.”
Blaine rounded the corner and he stood, staring at Kurt’s suitcase, “What the hell? Where are you going?”
“My new apartment. I’ll be living with Finn since he and Rachel broke up. He’s not about to give up his future here just because New York was Rachel’s dream.”
“What does that have to do with you?” Sebastian came forward slowly, hands held up in surrender, and Kurt would laugh at his obvious attempts to not “spook” Kurt if he were in any better mood right now.
It was the stance Sebastian took whenever he’d pissed Kurt off over something and wanted to get close enough to seduce Kurt into forgiving him. He’d used it last night to convince Kurt to calm down long enough to sleep.
“Last night was it for me. I’m done with this. All this relationship does is hurt me, and I’m not doing it anymore,” Kurt replied quietly.
Sebastian reached to take his suitcase, but Kurt pulled his arm back abruptly.
“Kurt, please.” Sebastian’s voice was low and husky.
“I don’t understand,” Blaine replied, and Kurt turned to the man who had been his first love.
Kurt searched his face, and it took a moment, but he found it. Kurt found the confused and oblivious Blaine that he’d fallen in love with years ago. Blaine really didn’t understand Kurt, and that had always been part of the problem. He didn’t do it intentionally. Kurt had known him for long enough to know that at least. Blaine really was just clueless most of the time. He was adorable, and at some point, he’d loved Kurt very much. He just always seemed to want Sebastian, and love Sebastian, more.
“I know you don’t. Neither one of you see this the way I do,” Kurt shrugged and stepped out the door. “And I don’t expect you to.” Kurt took another step down the hallway.
“Wait!” Sebastian dove after him and stood in front of him. “Please, baby. What did we do?”
“Bas, move. I need to leave,” Kurt willed himself not to cry, but he could feel the tears beginning again.
“Not until you tell me what happened. Is this because of last night? I’m sorry I was such a douche. I didn’t mean what I said,” Sebastian cupped Kurt’s face in his hands.
“Please stop,” Kurt closed his eyes. A little voice had told him he should have just left while they were in the living room. But he’d wanted them to know he was leaving.
“No,” Sebastian whispered. “Not until you tell me why.”
“Have you even noticed how all my belongings have been disappearing over the past few days?” Kurt whispered. “How I’ve been quietly getting out of your lives?”
This would be easier if he hadn’t fallen in love with Sebastian. It would also be easier if he hadn’t fallen out of love with Blaine. And he was no longer going to do this.
It was too painful to watch Sebastian love Blaine, and to watch Blaine love Sebastian, and to know that neither one of them loved him.
Sebastian looked at Blaine, and Kurt opened his eyes to watch them silently communicate with each other. He could tell by their expressions that they hadn’t noticed his subtle withdrawal from their sordid little threesome.
Kurt placed his hand on Sebastian’s cheek. “You noticed when Blaine retreated and wouldn’t tell us why. You remember? A few months ago?”
Sebastian nodded, eyes squeezing shut when it appeared that he had realized his error. He always noticed Blaine.
“What are you talking about Kurt?” Blaine looked back and forth between them.
Kurt ignored him and concentrated on Sebastian “I know. Sometimes it’s work. You’re always so busy. But the thing is that you’re never too busy for Blaine. And he’s never too busy for you. But it’s a different story with me, isn’t it?”
Sebastian’s hands dropped and he looked from Blaine to Kurt. “No,” Sebastian denied quietly.
“At least be honest with me, Bas. I deserve that,” Kurt pleaded.
Kurt turned to Blaine, “Remember when you were the one to attend Bas’s work party?”
Blaine nodded. They’d had an unspoken agreement that their relationship would stay behind closed doors. They never attended anything together as a party of three, especially not if it involved work. There were too many questions for that.
The two of them, Blaine and Sebastian, had discussed who would accompany Bas to be introduced as his boyfriend to all his work contacts. Then that boyfriend would attend all subsequent work parties to show a consistency of sorts.
“Nobody even asked. You both decided that it would be Blaine to go. And don’t think I don’t know it’s because he’s more suitable,” Kurt’s voice caught as he turned to Sebastian. “It’s okay, Bas. I get that I’m too out there for you. But you know what hurts the most?”
“What?” Sebastian whispered. Blaine continued to look as if he was completely out of the loop.
“My first show. It was my first show Bas. And even though I know you have a total disregard for what I do, I earned my own show at Fashion Week. And where were you two?”
“When was Fashion Week?” Blaine asked, bewildered.
Kurt turned to him and laughed wryly. “This is what I’m talking about. I told you multiple times when my show was going to be. You ignored me. It’s okay Blaine, don’t worry about it now because you both missed it.”
Sebastian nodded quietly, tears falling, and Kurt wanted to hold him. It had finally clicked with Sebastian, and Kurt could tell he’d suddenly remembered when the show had been. And even though Kurt was the one that had been hurt, he still felt the desire to comfort Sebastian over it.
This whole falling in love with Sebastian Smythe experience was painful. No matter what had happened between the two of them, the arguments, the snarky banter, the near constant irritation, Kurt loved him, and loving Sebastian hurt like hell. Because, unfortunately for Kurt, Sebastian owned a much larger part of Kurt’s heart than Blaine ever had.
The problem was, Sebastian didn’t want Kurt’s heart. He wanted Blaine’s.
Kurt turned back to Sebastian and wiped his eyes with one sleeve, “So you don’t have to worry about faking an interest in my designs anymore.”
“I wasn’t faking an interest, Kurt,” Sebastian denied.
Kurt laughed and gave him what Sebastian called the ‘bitch face’.
“Please. I get it, Bas. Blaine’s music is different. You like his music, and you hate everything related to my work. All I asked for was one night for you to put all that aside.” Kurt stroked Sebastian’s cheek and wiped off a tear. “I begged you for one night where you could support me unconditionally. One night where you were there just for me.”
“What night? When was this?” Blaine stood, bouncing on the balls of his feet, his head shooting back and forth between them as if he were watching a tennis match.
Kurt turned to Blaine and smiled sadly. “It was last night. I’m sure you remember where you were last night, right Blaine?”
Blaine paled, and Sebastian shifted guiltily in front of Kurt.
“We were drinking last night,” Blaine replied.
“Kurt, I’m so sorry. I forgot,” Sebastian said quietly. “And he’s right. We were drinking.”
“I know. You always forget. You both do that when the subject has anything to do with me. But what I came home to last night was the final straw.”
After dozens of unanswered texts and calls, Kurt had finally accepted that they weren’t coming, and he’d gone through the motions at the show. The design firm he worked with had made their small contribution to Fashion Week a competition this year. And because Kurt had won, his designs were chosen for the show. And while it hadn’t been a show that had received as much media coverage as the major design houses, it had been his show. It had been a start for him, and that’s what had mattered.
He’d come home from the after party, and he’d followed the trail of clothing that Sebastian and Blaine had strewn all over the apartment. It had, of course, led to their shared bedroom.
And he’d found Sebastian and Blaine asleep, wasted and obviously recovering from a marathon of sex that Kurt hadn’t been included in. He’d immediately wondered how many times this had happened while he was out of the apartment.
He’d stood, staring at Sebastian as he slept next to Blaine, and the anger had hit him out of nowhere. And when anger came, tears followed.
He’d walked back to the bedroom door and slammed it with every bit of frustration and strength he’d had in him. Sebastian had shot up from the bed, rumpled and confused, and Kurt had had to fight a wave of desire for him. Bas always looked so sexy after sex.
Sebastian had looked at him, eyes narrowing, and then he’d made the mistake of waking up Blaine. Kurt hadn’t even let them get completely awake before he started in on them with the months of pain and anger he felt at both of them.
“You were the ones who begged me to give this a chance,” Kurt had accused through tears that wouldn’t stop falling. “You two. You both knew that I didn’t want this. I never wanted this, but you two would not give up. You had to have this fucked up relationship and include me in it. You promised me that I wouldn’t get hurt. You promised me,” Kurt had glared at Sebastian as he spoke.
Blaine had rubbed his eyes, “What the hell Kurt? What’s wrong with you?”
But Kurt, who’d long since given up on feeling anything for Blaine anymore, had stared at Sebastian the entire time.
“Whatever it is, I’m sorry,” Blaine had stated absently, intent on atoning but completely clueless about what he was apologizing for.
There were supposed to have been rules. They were supposed to know when the other two were having sex. Open and understanding was what they were supposed to have been. But essentially, not only had they not been there for him, yet again, they’d spent the time fucking each other. And to Kurt, it had been as if he’d caught them cheating.
Sebastian had just stared at him, sleepy but concerned.
Finding them like this had been the last straw for Kurt. They didn’t even have the decency to tell him to his face that he was no longer needed. It would be different if they’d claimed an undying love for each other with every breath. If they’d just come out and said that they just didn’t need Kurt anymore.
“Kurt,” Sebastian had said quietly as he got out of the bed. “Calm down.”
Kurt had turned on him, and his anger had reached a point at which he didn’t even care what he said anymore.
“You shut up. This was all your idea, and you know it. All so you could have Blaine all to yourself. How many times did you tell me you loved me? How many fucking times Sebastian? You two don’t even have the decency to tell me that you want to be exclusive with each other. Because I’m not needed anymore. God forbid either one of you want me when you have each other, right?”
“Get a grip, Kurt!” Blaine shouted. “What’s going on with you?”
Sebastian turned to him, “You are not helping.”
Blaine scrambled out of the bed, completely naked, and turned to Kurt, “Why are you yelling at us? I’m sorry we didn’t wait for you to come home, if that’s what you’re mad about.” Blaine reached out to grab his arm.
Kurt glared furiously. “Don’t. Touch. Me.”
“Kurt,” Blaine frowned, pulling back his hand as if he’d been bitten.
Kurt turned back to Sebastian. “I know what he wanted out of this, but what did you want? I need to know Sebastian. Just tell me one thing. All those times when we were in bed, and you whispered to me over and over how much you loved me. Was it ever true? At any point in all this, was it ever true?”
Sebastian looked at him but didn’t respond to Kurt. “Go Blaine.”
“Why?” Blaine looked at him in disbelief.
“This is between Kurt and me right now. Go for a little while.”
Blaine had hesitated, but he left the bedroom.
“Was it true? That’s all I need to know Sebastian. Because right now, it feels like you two don’t care about anybody but yourselves.”
Sebastian had put up his hands, and he’d approached Kurt slowly, as if Kurt would turn on him at a moment’s notice. “Yes, baby. I love you.”
“Then why do you do this? Why is it always him?” Kurt had felt his knees slightly buckle, and he'd turned away before he gave in to the irresistible urge to sink to the floor. “It’s always him, and it will always be him. And I’m so fucking tired of it.”
He was tired of Blaine always coming first. Of Blaine always getting what he wanted. Of Blaine always being the boyfriend that Sebastian would deign to acknowledge in public. Of Blaine always being the one Sebastian wanted.
Kurt needed out of this. He needed to be somewhere he could not see them every day and not have to watch them slowly push him out of their lives.
Kurt had stiffened as he felt Sebastian’s arms around him.
“What is it, baby?” Sebastian had rubbed his back. “Is it just that you’re pissed that we had sex without you?”
“Of course that’s what you’d see,” Kurt had pulled away. “It’s always me throwing a fit, right? Me overreacting again. It can’t ever be because I’m tired of being treated like I don’t matter in this relationship.”
He could admit, to himself, that he was jealous. But he was also incredibly hurt. They were both always so wrapped up in each other that they took Kurt for granted.
“Jesus, Kurt. Just tell me what’s wrong.” Sebastian had demanded.
So Kurt had decided that the one thing that would force them to let him go would need to be said.
“I’m not in love with him anymore,” Kurt had whispered. “But I am in love with you, and I need to go.”
He’d go, and he’d let them both have what they wanted. Each other. Without Kurt around to ignore and to avoid, and without Kurt’s “tantrums” to deal with.
“Wait,” Sebastian had gotten up and stood between Kurt and the door. “Give me some time to think here. You can’t just say that and expect me to know what to do immediately.”
“There’s nothing for you to do, Bas. I’m tired of the mixed signals. I’m tired of you telling me one thing with your words and showing me another with your behavior.”
“I’m not sending mixed signals. I think I’m making myself very clear here. And I’m not choosing, if that’s what you want,” Sebastian had shot back angrily.
The words had felt like a punch to Kurt’s stomach. Of course Sebastian wouldn’t choose him. He’d made that clear over and over with his one-track mindedness over Blaine Anderson. But to hear Sebastian actually say the words felt worse than he’d expected.
“I don’t remember asking you to choose, Smythe. I merely said that I need to leave,” Kurt had gathered himself and he'd tried to go around him to reach the bedroom door.
“No, you’re not leaving. Not like this. You’re too upset. We can talk about it in the morning.”
Kurt had allowed him to wrap him up in a hug, no matter how much it had hurt. He’d wanted to feel Sebastian’s arms around him, and he’d tried to ignore that those same arms had been wrapped around Blaine just hours before.
Kurt had let himself be put to bed. He had lain there, crying, while Sebastian stepped out of the bedroom. He had probably gone out there to tell Blaine that Kurt was having another “fit.”
He had felt another body lower onto the bed behind him, and felt Sebastian wrap his arms around him.
“Blaine’s going to sleep in the other bedroom,” Sebastian had whispered into his ear as he spooned Kurt.
“Whatever,” Kurt had replied. “It won’t change anything Bas. I can’t do this anymore.”
“Okay, we’ll deal with the Blaine thing. But I still don’t know what we did, and we need to talk about it in the morning,” Sebastian had pulled him close.
“Why are you in here with me? You aren’t choosing, remember?” Kurt had bitten out the word choosing, and Sebastian had stiffened beside him.
“I’m here because you need me more right now,” Sebastian had replied quietly. “Now sleep.”
Kurt pulled himself out of the memory of the argument. “I’m leaving Sebastian.”
“Bas, just let him get over this. He’ll come back soon,” Blaine waved at Kurt in irritation. “He’s just being dramatic.” Blaine shut the apartment door with a slam and left Sebastian outside with Kurt.
“He doesn’t mean that,” Sebastian said quietly.
“Yes, he does. And you’ve said it before about me. I’ve lost count of the number of times you two have called me dramatic for being upset at you both. I just can’t do this anymore,” Kurt replied.
“What do you want from me, Kurt?”
“Something that you can’t give me. It really is just that simple, Bas,” Kurt stroked his cheek again. “I love you so much. But not only do you love Blaine more, sometimes it feels like you don’t love me at all. Like I’m there only because, when we went into this, in order to get Blaine, you had to sign up for Kurt too. I’m tired of being second place, and I’ve always been second place in your heart. And although I was first with Blaine for a while, that changed when we happened,” Kurt gestured in a circle to describe the three of them.
“Kurt,” Sebastian leaned into Kurt’s hand and closed his eyes.
“I’m not asking you to choose, Bas. I’m making the choice for you. I fell out of love with Blaine a long time ago, and I was staying to be with you. But I can’t do that anymore. There are too many things that have happened. Too many times where Blaine has not only come first, but his feelings were the only ones considered. It hurts. It hurts to watch you love him the way I want you to love me. And to know that it will never happen is too much for me to take anymore.”
“Please don’t leave,” Sebastian whispered.
“I have to. I appreciate that you’re fighting for me. I don’t expect it from Blaine, because he waits for someone else to do the fighting for him. And he and I don’t feel that way about each other anymore. He loves you, and you love him. And I’m just the one who loses here. I’ve accepted that, Bas. But that doesn’t mean I have to be masochistic about it.”
Kurt maneuvered around him, and Sebastian grabbed his arm one more time. “Can we talk more about this please?”
“Maybe. But not right now. You’ve never made it unclear to me what you wanted from this relationship. It was my fault for falling in love with you. So I’m removing the source of the problem. Me. He doesn’t want me anymore, and I really don’t think he ever wanted me like he wants you. And you want him. That’s never been the issue.”
“You’re not the source of the problem,” Sebastian replied. “I do love you.”
“Maybe. But from this point on, that won’t be enough for me. And I shouldn’t have to stay in a relationship with the two of you just so I can get the scraps of affection that you don’t shower on him.”
Sebastian gasped, “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that I was doing that.”
“It doesn’t matter anymore. I’ll never be him, and I’ve accepted that.”
“I don’t expect you to be him.”
Kurt laughed wryly. “I know. I couldn’t be him if I tried. That message was driven home to me years ago, before we ever became a party of three, and that had absolutely nothing to do with you.”
“Please,” Sebastian said softly.
“Please stop asking me to stay. You have no idea how badly I want to stay for you. With you. But I have to have some sense of self-preservation here. It’s not that I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s that I can’t. My heart breaks a little every day when I watch you with him. Because I know when you turn around, the look on your face will change. The way you look at him hurts me. And that’s not even something I can blame you for, because you love him. But when you turn to me, the expression changes into something that I don’t even recognize. You say you love me. But I don’t feel that from you. But the love you show him just radiates off you. And I’m not going to watch that anymore.”
Sebastian looked away, tears in his eyes. “Can I call you at Finn’s?”
“Why? Do you want to have some kind of affair with me while you stay committed to him?”
“I don’t know what I want. I need time to think. You kind of ambushed me with this.”
“If you’d been listening to me for the past few months, this wouldn’t be an ambush at all. I’ve been trying to tell you how I feel. How much more I need. I don’t bother to tell him, but you I’ve told. Over and over. But you aren’t listening because you can’t hear anything beyond Blaine’s voice.”
“That’s not true.”
"Really? Think about it before you deny it.” Kurt turned away and walked down the hallway.
“I love you,” Sebastian called.
Kurt froze for a moment. “I love you too,” he called back but he resumed walking and didn’t turn around.
He did. It just wasn’t enough anymore.
After a year of a relationship with both Blaine and Sebastian, Kurt has had enough, and he’s decided to remove the source of all his relationship problems from the equation… himself.
Kurt was as alone as he could get in the new apartment when he took into account his puppy of a step-brother living with him.
Finn had taken the breakup with Rachel strangely well, and he was the one trying to provide support for Kurt about his breakup with Blaine and Sebastian. Finn had never really understood Kurt’s relationship with the other two men, but that’s because Finn had struggled for years to understand that gay relationships worked the same as straight ones.
Asking him to understand how Kurt could be involved with two men was more difficult, and in the end, he’d had to resort to asking Finn to consider having both Rachel and Quinn in his life as girlfriends at the same time.
The look of horror on Finn’s face had been priceless, and Kurt had laughed for a good half an hour at Finn’s immediate catatonic state.
When Finn had stopped his mental evaluation, he’d turned to Kurt and asked, “But how do you keep one person from being left out?"
Kurt blinked back tears at that question, because it was so innocent and true to Finn's character to ask that. "I don't know. We never seemed to get that part figured out."
Finn had taken one look at Kurt and said, “Oh. I get it. You were the one who got left out, weren’t you?”
“Yes,” Kurt whispered, and Finn slung one arm over his brother’s shoulders and pulled him in for a hug.
“Why did you try it?” Finn asked.
“Well, sometimes that kind of relationship works. But you have to have three people who are really loving with each other, and you have to have people who don’t let jealousy and attention interfere with the relationship between the other two involved.”
“That would never work for me and Quinn and Rachel,” Finn decided.
“Because Rachel would have an aneurism every time I tried to be with Quinn.”
Kurt snorted, “Yeah. I can see that.”
“Was Blaine the problem?” Finn asked quietly.
“No, but why would you think that?” Kurt turned his head to look up at his brother.
“Because he reminds me of Rachel sometimes.”
Kurt could see that, and he’d made that comparison quite a few times during their relationship.
“No, Blaine wasn’t the problem. Sebastian wasn’t the problem. It was sort of that I was the problem. I don’t love Blaine anymore, but I do love Sebastian. But they’d gotten to the point where I felt like they wanted to be with each other more than they wanted to be with me, so I got out of there.”
“But Sebastian’s called you like a billion times,” Finn argued. “He must miss you.”
“It wasn’t a billion, Finn,” Kurt rolled his eyes at his brother. “But yeah, he’s called a lot. He’s texted a lot too. He wants to talk.”
“Blaine and I have been over for a long time now. I doubt he cares whether I come back or not to be honest.”
“That sucks,” Finn replied.
“Not really. When Sebastian came into our lives, Blaine became the center of our relationship. He craves that sort of thing. Having Sebastian around was exactly what Blaine wanted. I doubt he even misses me right now.”
“How do you know?” Kurt turned to him.
“Because I called Rachel a billion times right after we first broke up because I missed her. That’s what he’s doing.”
“That doesn’t mean we should be together. You said yourself you and Rachel shouldn’t be.”
“Yeah, but that’s me and Rachel. Just because we weren’t right for each other doesn’t mean anything to your relationships.”
“When did you get so smart about feelings and shit?” Kurt smiled at him.
“When you beat the stupidity out of me that day we came up with our back-up plans.”
“Ah yes. I remember that day fondly.”
It had been when Kurt had had just about enough of Finn’s angst over Rachel and his indecision over joining the army. He’d helped Finn to sit down and think about what he wanted to do, and he’d forced Finn to decide what he’d like to do if Rachel was not in his life.
She wasn’t of course, because this had occurred during the time they’d broken up so Finn could encourage Rachel to attend NYADA. But Finn was still looking at life as if he had to answer to Rachel’s dreams, and Kurt had finally just slapped him upside the head.
Then he’d cursed Finn out for putting everything he’d ever wanted on hold to make sure that Rachel had her shot at stardom.
Then when Finn had countered with “But you did the same thing for Blaine!” Kurt had stopped, speechless because he’d realized that Finn had been right.
So they’d sat down together and they’d worked on a back-up plan for New York that involved just them.
Without asking for input from Blaine.
Blaine had been upset, but Kurt had told him nicely that it was something that he was doing for himself, and for Finn, and that he wouldn’t be in New York for another year anyway, so it didn’t matter where Kurt was for that year.
Instead of staying in Lima, Finn and Kurt had gone to New York together and they’d both gotten jobs. They’d reapplied to schools, applied to new schools, and they’d both gotten a year of experience under their belts before their interviews this time.
In the end, Finn had been accepted to Pace, and Kurt had gotten into Parsons for the Spring semester.
And now, years later, they were back together again.
Healing from relationships while their work lives were flourishing, when all along, they’d both assumed that their love lives were fine and their professions had needed the most work.
Their conversation was interrupted by a sudden banging on the door of their apartment. Kurt pulled Finn up and pushed him towards the door, to force him to be the one to answer.
“You’re always saying how you’re supposed to take care of me and defend me, so go do it,” Kurt gestured at the door.
“But you bitch at me when I do that. You can’t just agree to it when it’s convenient for you,” Finn argued with a laugh as he approached the peephole of the door to see who was on the other side.
“Watch me,” Kurt stood back with his arms crossed in front of him.
“Oh shit. It’s Sebastian,” Finn turned to look at Kurt.
“How did he find out where we live?” Kurt replied softly.
“I don’t know,” Finn opened the door and Kurt saw that Sebastian had been lounging against the wall next to the door, completely disheveled and so damn sexy Kurt ached to look at him.
“Hey Finn,” Sebastian said as he stared at Kurt.
Kurt swallowed and shut his eyes. He knew that he couldn’t avoid Sebastian for long. He’d been dreaming if he thought Sebastian wouldn’t be after him to discuss this again.
“Come on in,” Finn gestured for him to enter, and Sebastian’s eyes never left Kurt’s as he stepped inside.
“Hey,” Sebastian said softly. “You’ve been ignoring my calls and texts.”
Kurt nodded, not even bothering to deny it.
“You can’t keep doing that,” Sebastian’s voice lowered.
“I know,” Kurt replied.
“We need to talk. Now,” Sebastian’s words were like a command but the tone of his voice was more of a plea.
“Okay. Come on. We’ll go to my room.”
He closed his bedroom door after they got inside, and he had to fight the urge to bury himself into Sebastian’s chest and just cry. Kurt had missed him so much over the past two weeks, and seeing him now, looking as if he hadn’t slept or eaten in days, made that ache inside him thrum just a little bit harder.
“How did you find out where I live?”
“I went to the source,” Sebastian replied gravely, making it sound much more dramatic that Kurt could imagine it would have been.
“My dad told you?”
Sebastian had begun calling Burt Hummel “the source” about six months ago, and it depended on how the day was going what Kurt’s dad was the source ‘of.’ Some days he was the source of reason, and some days he was the source of all Sebastian’s stress.
Burt Hummel had never approved of Kurt being with both Sebastian and Blaine, and he’d been very irritated with Blaine when he’d discovered that the relationship had been Blaine’s and Sebastian’s idea.
“Yeah, I had to sell my soul to him to get your address, and I had to promise that I would make this better,” Sebastian sat on Kurt’s bed uninvited.
“You can’t do that though,” Kurt replied.
“What? Make this better? I can damn sure try, can’t I?” Sebastian bitched.
“Did you come here just to yell at me?”
“No, I didn’t. I’m sorry, baby,” Sebastian scrubbed his hands over his face.
“You look tired,” Kurt said without thinking.
It wasn’t going to help him get over Sebastian if he continued to be concerned with how he was doing, where he was going, and how he was feeling. Although at the moment, Kurt had to admit that it felt like he wasn’t going to be getting over Sebastian anytime soon anyway.
“I am, baby.”
“Please don’t call me that,” Kurt hugged his own torso and turned away.
“But that’s what you are to me,” Sebastian stood and stepped closer to Kurt, pulling him into his arms. “Please talk to me. Tell me what I need to do.”
“I told you that I’m making that choice for you. You said yourself that you weren’t choosing between us. You made it sound like if I forced you, you’d choose Blaine anyway. So what do you want me to tell you?” Kurt tried to pull out of Sebastian’s arms, but Sebastian’s grip on him was firm even if gentle.
“I was just mad. I didn’t know why you were upset until the next morning. All I knew is that you were going off on us for something,” Sebastian looked defeated.
“I’m done being disappointed,” Kurt ached to wrap his arms around Sebastian and just give in.
Kurt was so in love with this man that it physically hurt him. Regardless of how they started in high school, regardless of how much derision had come between them in college, and regardless of the circumstances that led to their relationship with Blaine.
“I’m sorry I keep disappointing you. But there are times when I don’t know what to do about us either,” Sebastian kissed Kurt on the temple.
“You could start with telling me why Blaine always comes first with you,” Kurt said softly.
Sebastian sighed, “Can we get on the bed? I’m so tired, baby.”
Kurt nodded, and he led Sebastian over to the bed, where the man sprawled out and pulled Kurt down with him. He tucked Kurt against his side and groaned in satisfaction.
“I haven’t slept in days. I miss you being in bed with me,” Sebastian whispered against his forehead.
Kurt closed his eyes tightly. He missed it too, but he didn’t miss the fact that Blaine was on the other side of the bed as well.
“Why Bas? I need to know. I deserve to know.”
Kurt wasn’t giving up on this. He wasn’t going to let himself get sucked back into being with them no matter how much he wanted Sebastian. He couldn’t let that happen again, not and keep his sanity.
“You’re stronger than he is,” Sebastian whispered.
“No shit. I’ve known that for years Bas.”
“Let me finish.”
“I never realized, back when I first met you two, how much Blaine needs people. I saw you, and I just assumed that you were the clingy one. That you were the one who wouldn’t let go long enough for him to have fun.”
Kurt snorted, “You weren’t looking hard enough.”
“I know that now. But the fact is that I saw you that way and I assumed he was more dominant. I thought he was more in control. Then all that shit in high school happened, and we lost touch with each other. I figured once you two were in New York that you’d break up. It never once occurred to me that you two would still be together even after college.”
“Well, he broke up with me a few times in college, but he always came back and begged for me to take him back.”
“Because he has to be the center of somebody’s world,” Sebastian said softly.
“Bas,” Kurt frowned.
“You know it’s true. I know it’s true. He’s charming, and he’s sexy, and once we ran into each other again, I just knew that he was finally single. But he wasn’t. You were still in the relationship with him, and I was shocked by that. Then he and I began talking, and he was interested in getting with me, and he said that you two had talked about having an open relationship before, and that you were okay with it. I was kind of surprised, but I took him at his word. I never knew you didn’t want this until you broke down that night.”
“But,” Kurt interrupted.
“Think about it, baby. You never actually told me that you didn’t want this. You may have told Blaine, but he told me that you were okay with it. So I was kind of thrown off when you said that both of us knew you’d never wanted this. I did make a promise that you’d never get hurt, and that was stupid because I should have realized that I could never prevent that completely.”
He did as Sebastian asked and thought back on the conversations with Blaine about his desire to bring Sebastian into their relationship, and it hit him suddenly that all of his arguments had been used against Blaine only. Whenever Sebastian had been included, the focus had always been on Blaine, and then Kurt had just gone along with it, because he’d agreed in the end in order to make Blaine happy.
Kurt sat up and crossed his legs.
“I need to tell you something.”
Sebastian’s eyes fluttered slightly, as if he were falling asleep, but he turned his head. “Okay.”
“We did talk about being in an open relationship before. Sophomore year of college. But that discussion didn’t go well.”
Sebastian opened one eye and focused more on Kurt. “What do you mean?”
“You know how you said that Blaine needs people?”
“He doesn’t think about things the way other people do. He can be really oblivious, but you should know that by now.”
Sebastian nodded again.
“There was this guy I knew in high school. You might remember him even though I don’t think you officially met. His name was Sam Evans. He looked at me sometimes like I was the most vibrant person in the room. He was special to me, because he was the first guy to ever treat me with real respect. Like I was normal. He and Blaine had a love-hate relationship. I think Blaine felt threatened by him. My sophomore year of college, and his and Blaine’s freshman year of college, Sam came out as bisexual. I’d always wondered about him, but even though he’d hinted at it frequently, the idea of coming out in high school was too much for him.”
Kurt brushed his palms over his knees and took a deep breath.
“He was the focus of this discussion,” Sebastian concluded, correctly.
“Yes. Sam was interested in being with me, and there have been a few times in my life when I’d have given just about anything for the chance to be with him. Even for just one night. Just to see if everything I fantasized about in high school would have been true.”
“Go on,” Sebastian turned onto his side and reached out to thread his fingers with Kurt’s.
“Well, Sam came here too. He got into a different school with a full scholarship, and he started hanging out with us again. That’s when I found out he was interested. I still loved Blaine, but I can’t say I wasn’t curious, because I’d spent a long time wondering about Sam. I should have known not to ask Blaine about it, because he overreacted. We’d jokingly referred to having a third person in our sex life, and that’s mainly because I think, deep down, we were bored with each other and we weren’t even halfway through college. But when I actually brought it up, and mentioned Sam, Blaine accused me of cheating on him. He said that me thinking about being with Sam was just as bad as the “cheating” I did in high school,” Kurt used air quotes to show his disagreement with the old high school incident.
“That guy who texted you in high school right? I vaguely remember Blaine mentioning that.”
“Blaine went off on me about Sam. About how I was selfish to even consider bringing Sam into our lives, and how I was hurting him just by considering asking Sam about it. So I dropped it. But then you came into our lives. And suddenly it was okay for us to be open and have a relationship with you, even though I’d been just as threatened by you as Blaine had been by Sam. Even more so actually, because at the time, Sam wasn’t even out then so there was no actual hope that he and I’d get together. But back then it was very possible that you’d have taken Blaine from me.”
“That sounds like Blaine,” Sebastian said quietly, his eyes closed.
“Even when I brought it up, he never really saw how the situations were similar, if not identical. That’s the problem with Blaine. He doesn’t see how things he says might be inappropriate or insulting, but he can pinpoint my faults quickly. He has a set of standards that I should live up to that nobody else on the whole damn planet has to live up to. Especially not him. It’s been that way since high school. I know we’ve talked about our thing in high school, but I’m about to bring up something that might upset you again.”
Sebastian’s eyebrow rose, “Go on.”
“You know how you were always obvious with him about what you wanted from him?”
“He never considered you slutty in any way. I’m not trying to start a fight. I’m just telling you this as a frame of reference. He suggested that me texting Chandler in high school was me being cheap but you could say all those things to him, and he never thought that about you. It’s that double standard that I have to live up to for him, or he acts out. He gets pouty, and he accuses me of things. Well, he used to. Before he stopped giving a fuck about me to begin with.”
“He still cares about you, baby.”
“You don’t even sound convinced of that yourself.”
“I’m just tired, baby.”
“Bas, look at me.”
Sebastian opened his eyes and met Kurt’s gaze.
“He never came out and said this, but I feel that it was okay for us to have you in our relationship because you wanted him. And the reason that he said no about Sam was because the focus of that would have been about me, and Blaine can’t handle it when he’s not the center of attention. When he’s not the center of somebody’s world. You know that. You said that yourself.”
“I have dealt with that for years, and along the way, it eroded my love for him. I did love him, more than he’ll ever realize I think. But years of making sure he gets the attention he needs, and making sure that he comes first just killed that for me. Because he couldn’t, or wouldn’t, do the same for me. But in the long run, it turned out that you were perfect for us, because you always wanted him. You could give him that attention too. I had someone to share the responsibility of making Blaine happy. I didn’t have to work so hard anymore.”
Sebastian dug into his pocket and pulled out his phone, which was vibrating. “Blaine’s texting me.”
“Has he asked about me?”
He knew the answer to that just by looking at Sebastian’s face. “Never mind. He hasn’t.”
Sebastian held up the phone and stared at it as another text came through. He turned off his phone without even reading them, and he set the phone on the bedside table.
“He can wait,” Sebastian said when he turned back to Kurt. “Will you sleep with me? I’m so tired, and I know if I go back to the apartment, I’ll just lie awake all night thinking about you. We can talk more about this in the morning since I don’t have to work.”
Sebastian looked so exhausted. The law firm he worked for kept him after hours so many nights a week, and then when he got home, there was usually drama to deal with. Drama that Kurt was a part of, and he felt a little guilty for that. But he held firm to the belief that things would not get better for either of them unless Kurt stayed out of the relationship.
“Of course, Bas.”
Kurt retrieved some pajama pants from his drawer that Sebastian had worn on a few occasions, and he tossed them on the bed along with Sebastian’s old lacrosse tee from Dalton, which Kurt had stolen months ago because the cotton was so soft.
Sebastian got dressed for bed, and eyes closed, he reached out a hand for Kurt.
“I’ll be right back.”
“No, no skin care routine. Just me, please,” Sebastian said softly.
Kurt grabbed a t-shirt out of his drawer and changed clothes quickly.
“Okay, but if I end up looking awful in the morning, I’m blaming you,” Kurt whispered as he got into bed and lost himself in Sebastian’s arms.
“You couldn’t look bad if you tried,” Sebastian replied drowsily.
Kurt smiled to himself at that, and the ache to have Sebastian all to himself got a little stronger.
After a year of a relationship with both Blaine and Sebastian, Kurt has had enough, and he’s decided to remove the source of all his relationship problems from the equation… himself.
Kurt had woken first, and for the sake of self-preservation, he’d nearly jumped out of the bed. He’d dreamed about them last night.
That the two of them were together. Just them.
That Sebastian was looking at him with that same expression that always seemed to be reserved for Blaine. In the dream, they’d made love, and Sebastian had done everything Kurt had always wanted from him.
And then he’d woken up, and the tears came again, completely unhindered.
Kurt had escaped from the bedroom, cleaned up in the bathroom, and did a quick morning version of his usual nighttime routine.
Then he’d popped a few Tylenol for the coming headache, and he’d gone into the kitchen to make coffee.
Finn had been up for at least an hour. He was coaching at a high school, and he usually had to leave for work pretty early to accommodate transportation issues. The team had extra practices on Saturdays, but they didn’t last all day, so lately he and Kurt had been traversing the city together after Finn got back from work.
Finn had taken one look at Kurt’s face and closed his mouth to whatever comment he’d been about to make. He’d handed Kurt the coffee can and filled the chamber with water wordlessly.
He’d stayed long enough to grab one cup in a travel mug before he headed off to work.
Kurt had murmured a goodbye to his brother before he’d taken his coffee to stand at the window of their apartment. It was the only window with anything close to what could be called a ‘view,’ and Kurt liked standing there when he felt the need to think.
“Am I allowed to have some of that coffee?” Sebastian’s voice interrupted the thoughts before they could even get started.
“Of course,” Kurt replied before taking another sip, his gaze not leaving the window.
“Good, since I already got a cup before I asked,” Sebastian said.
Kurt heard movement behind him, and he assumed it was Sebastian sitting down on their small couch.
“I was hoping you’d still be in bed when I woke up,” Sebastian said softly.
Kurt turned, hoping that the redness from the earlier crying had finally cleared from his face. He couldn’t take more pity from Sebastian.
“Oh, baby,” Sebastian set his cup down and stood.
“Don’t,” Kurt stopped him when he approached. “We can talk without touching.”
That dream had been a reminder for him. Last night, when Sebastian had asked to stay, Kurt had gone to bed with more hope that he’d finally get what he wanted for once. But then the dream, or his subconscious actually, had driven home the reminder that he’d never get that.
Sebastian was Blaine’s.
He’d always been and he’d always be Blaine’s.
It was Kurt’s fault for wanting him so much. And if he could get through this discussion, and send Sebastian out the door, he’d get better.
So would Sebastian.
Without Kurt around, Sebastian would have less drama in his life. He wouldn’t be so tired all the time, and he wouldn’t be so unhappy. He’d have what he wanted.
“Thank you for sleeping with me,” Sebastian said softly.
He still didn’t look rested, and Kurt felt guilt hit him again.
“Baby, I lied to you before. The day you left,” Sebastian said after a few quiet moments.
Kurt turned from the window to look at him, “About what?”
There were things that Sebastian had said that day that Kurt had trouble believing, but he couldn’t imagine what he could have lied about.
“Will you come sit down? You don’t have to sit with me. But if we’re going to talk, this might take some time,” Sebastian leaned back on the couch and sighed. He put his feet up on the table in front of him, most likely forgetting that he wasn’t in his own apartment at the moment, but Kurt didn’t say a word to him about putting his feet on their table.
Kurt crossed the room to sit in the small chair across from him, and he placed his coffee cup down.
“Okay, what did you lie about?”
“When you said that you didn’t want to stay just to get scraps of attention I don’t give him, I said that I wasn’t aware that I did that. But that’s not true. I know I do that,” Sebastian looked like the admission had been a little painful for him.
Kurt’s eyes began to tear again.
It had always hurt to watch it, but at least if he hadn’t admitted it, Kurt could pretend that it hadn’t been happening. But to hear Sebastian say it, to admit to it, felt horrible.
Kurt stood to leave the room before he fell apart, but Sebastian’s soft “wait” stopped him.
“I don’t do it for the reason you think I do,” Sebastian stood and walked over to Kurt. “I promise I don’t do it because I love him more. Because I don’t love him more.” Sebastian slid a hand to his cheek and brushed his thumb back and forth over Kurt’s skin.
“Sebastian,” Kurt interrupted, determined to argue with what he could plainly see happen every day that they’d been together.
“Stop. Hear me out,” Sebastian pulled him into his embrace. Kurt tried to step out of his arms, but Sebastian held on tighter, “Stop. This no touching thing has to stop. Just listen to me.”
Sebastian cupped both hands around Kurt’s face, “You’re not going to like a lot of what I have to say. But I have to say it, and you need to listen to it.”
Kurt forced himself to look at Sebastian, “Fine. What?”
“You were right about a few things. I did go into this relationship solely to be with Blaine. I never denied that at all. But I didn’t know you then. I knew only the image of you that I’d formed in high school. And then the few times we saw each other in college, all we did was bitch at each other. I didn’t know you because I never tried to get to know you. So yes, you were right. In the beginning, I only wanted Blaine.”
“I know that,” Kurt said brokenly.
“But then Hurricane Hummel came into my life,” Sebastian smiled.
Kurt snorted, “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I finally saw what Blaine saw in you. What your friends see in you. The way you have of just taking over and deciding that a person is worth your time. The way you have of digging through someone’s defenses and making them want to be with you. The way you protect the people you love. Do you remember that night in the club? When you lost your shit over that asshole who called me a slut when I wouldn’t dance with him?” Sebastian smirked at him.
It hadn’t exactly been one of his finest moments. The guy had been hitting on Sebastian the entire night, and he’d gotten jealous when he’d seen Sebastian dancing with Kurt and Blaine. He’d grabbed Sebastian by the elbow, and demanded that he cooperate. When Sebastian had turned him down again, the guy had gotten up in Sebastian’s face, called him a slut, and said Sebastian wasn’t worth his precious time anyway.
Blaine had just stood there, shocked. He’d tried to grab Sebastian’s and Kurt’s hands to pull them away, but Kurt had reached levels of outrage that weren’t describable. When he’d finished verbally lashing the guy for touching Sebastian and for talking to him like that, the bouncers had arrived to kindly escort the guy out of the club.
Kurt had turned, embarrassed that he’d gotten so angry, but Sebastian’s eyes had glittered with admiration, and he’d spent the remainder of the night wrapped up with Kurt.
“Yeah, I remember,” Kurt smiled weakly.
“Those are the kinds of moments I’m talking about. When you just took over my life and decided that I was worth caring about. You could have just walked away with Blaine, dragging me with you and avoiding the conflict completely. But you went after him because he was after me. That was really fucking sexy.”
Sebastian dipped his head and nuzzled at Kurt’s throat.
“You’re not a slut,” Kurt replied softly. “He shouldn’t have said that.”
“No more Craigslist?” Sebastian smirked.
“Oh god, I was a teenager when I said that. You don’t smell like Craigslist.”
Sebastian kissed him softly, and Kurt felt the urge to melt into him and forget all the reasons why he needed to stay away from Sebastian.
“Before I get carried away, we need to finish this discussion,” Sebastian’s voice was hoarse.
“I don’t like this discussion,” Kurt muttered and avoided his gaze.
“I know. I’m not that happy about it either. But we have to fix this. My point to this is that while I may have gone into this only wanting him, I fell in love with you. And you fell in love with me. And that shit matters to me.”
“Only you would call falling in love shit,” Kurt laughed.
“Shut up. I don’t love him more than I love you. At the moment, I don’t even know how I feel about Blaine at all. And I’m not going to address that until I fix this with you. Until I fix us.”
“You can’t fix us without addressing the issue of Blaine.”
“Yes, I can. I can apologize for screwing up. And I can fix this theory you have that I’m not crazy as fuck about you. That’s a start right?”
“Okay, tell me what you need to tell me.”
“I do love you. But I do treat him differently. But I treat him differently because his personality demands it. Yours doesn’t. I don’t have to spend as much time doing things for you so that you don’t spend hours pouting about it. When you disagree with me, we talk it out. We fight it out, and then we move on. It takes twice as much energy to love Blaine because of the neediness. Sometimes I just give him what he wants because I’m so damn tired. It’s easier to concede than it is to fight.”
“Yeah,” Kurt said softly. “I know that. I’ve spent years living that situation. But what it comes down to is that you no longer have any energy left for me. Am I just supposed to suck that up and be quiet about it?”
“You know how you said I look at you differently? How you said that you see how I look at Blaine and then when I turn to you, you see something else in my face. Something you don’t recognize?”
“It’s guilt. It’s because I turn to you, and I see that look on your face. That look of longing and I know that I’m the reason that you’re so unhappy, but I’m just so god damn tired all the time. Mentally and physically. And you still love me, even if I don’t bend over backwards for you. But he doesn’t. He demands so much time and attention. And once the two of you stopped being KurtandBlaine, it became harder for me. Just like it was harder for you before I came along. But all along, I thought I’d never have to worry about you leaving me. But I see that I was wrong. That I moved beyond taking advantage of you and into just plain neglecting you. And I’m so god damn sorry for that.”
“I’m sorry that I caused so much drama. I know I can be a bitch, and I’m sorry if I make things harder on you, or if I add to your stress. I don’t mean to do that.”
“You know how you were so upset about the work party. There was a reason for that, and I never stopped and thought about telling you. It just never crossed my mind that you’d be upset about it. But the reason Blaine went had nothing to do with you being inappropriate. Because you’re not. In fact, I think my boss’s wife would love you. You’d charm the skirts off of every woman there simply by being you. It’s because of something else.”
“I ran into my boss while Blaine and I were out shopping for your birthday present.”
Kurt’s eyebrow lifted.
“Okay, I was shopping for it and Blaine was with me.”
“Monogrammed towels, Sebastian. That is why Blaine is not allowed to shop for people.”
Sebastian snorted, “Just listen. We ran into my boss, and before I could even figure out a way to introduce him so that it would be vague enough for work, Blaine had introduced himself as my boyfriend. And it would have caused a lot more questions if I had shown up with you instead, especially when there was the chance that we might run into him again sometime in the future. It was never because I didn’t want to show you off. The situation just snowballed on me, and I couldn’t back track and fix it before Blaine was off and running his mouth.”
Kurt nodded, “Okay, I get that. I’m sorry I never said anything.”
“The fact that you don’t complain about things backfires on me too you know. I never know what I’ve done wrong because you won’t tell me until you’re too pissed to listen to me. I never wanted to hurt you. I swear I never wanted to hurt you.”
“I know,” Kurt said softly.
“I’m so sorry I missed your show. I know how much that meant to you. And when you looked at me, wanting to hold me, and you wiped a tear off my face, while you were the one hurting because of something I’d done, that almost killed me.”
Kurt watched Sebastian swallow, and he pulled Sebastian closer to him.
"We’re both miserable, aren’t we?” Kurt spoke after a few minutes of silence. “When I’m there, I’m miserable but now I’ve made you miserable by leaving. What am I supposed to do? I don’t know what to do.”
Kurt felt the stupid tears fall again, and he brushed them away with his sleeve.
“I can’t give you what you want without giving up what I want,” Kurt sobbed brokenly. “I can’t do that anymore. I love you so much, but I can’t do it. I can’t watch you two together anymore. I hate it because I’m jealous about it. Even if you say things will be different, and you start spending more time with me, it’ll just be harder on you. You’ll be stretched even thinner.”
“I can handle it baby,” Sebastian held him tighter.
“No you can’t. And even if you tried, he won’t let that happen anyway. He’ll demand more and more of your time to compensate for what you’re giving me. And then you’ll be more exhausted every day. This relationship just won’t work anymore. Remember when we talked about us being equal, and how jealousy and attention were never going to be a problem for us? We were so stupid, Sebastian.”
Kurt wrapped his arms around Sebastian’s neck and hated himself for crying so much. Sebastian hated it when he cried.
“I need you. I love you, but Blaine and I aren’t good together. Blaine had no problem splitting up with me, but he can’t and won’t give you up. And you can’t give Blaine up. I don’t want to give you up, but I can’t stay with you and Blaine. I don’t know what to do anymore.”
“I don’t know either, baby. I wish I did. I wish I had the answer that would fix all this without anybody getting hurt at all. But I don’t,” Sebastian whispered against his shoulder.
“So we have to do it this way,” Kurt pulled back from the hug and cupped Sebastian’s face in his hands. “I have to do it this way. It’s tearing me apart to be there. It’s also tearing me apart to know that you’re hurting too, but somebody has to be the strong one here. Someone has to end this. And I chose me.”
“No,” Sebastian argued. “No.”
He pulled Kurt closer to him. “No,” he repeated more firmly. “I can fix this. I just need a chance. I need time,” Sebastian pressed a kiss against his mouth. “Please let me fix it.”
“There’s only one way I can think to fix this, and it’s something that I refuse to ask you to do.”
Sebastian nodded but didn’t say a word.
“I can’t and won’t make you choose. It may sound like that’s what I’m doing, but I’d rather make the choice for you, even if it hurts both of us. I don’t want you to resent me. I don’t want to ask you to be with me and then wake up a year down the road and find you angry at me because you’re not with Blaine anymore. I can’t do that.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“Can you forgive me for being such an asshole lately?”
Kurt looked into his eyes, and his will almost softened enough to forget how important this decision was for him. He wanted to drag Sebastian off to bed and make love for the rest of the weekend, but that would just put him right back into the situation that was breaking his heart.
“Yes. I understand why all of it was happening, because I was in the same position you were in. But I still don’t believe this will work. I can’t go back to the way it was before, and I don’t see how we’re going to be able to change any of it. The dynamic is wrong for us.”
“Can I stay here this weekend? We can talk more, and we can just focus on us for once. I’m not giving up on you, and really, I just miss you so damn much,” Sebastian asked softly.
“Yes, you can stay. But Sunday night, we’re going to make a final decision, and you have to take Blaine into consideration too. It’s not fair otherwise,” Kurt kissed him and brushed his fingers through Sebastian’s hair.
“Deal. I need to go call Blaine. There are about twenty unread messages from last night through early this morning. I’ll go do it in the bedroom, because he’ll probably piss me off at some point, and you don’t need that drama.”
“Okay,” Kurt kissed him again and watched him walk down the hallway.
Kurt had visited the restroom and was walking back down the hall when he heard Sebastian’s voice get sharper and louder in the bedroom. He stepped closer, fighting the urge to eavesdrop on him, but failing miserably. He opened the door slightly, about a half inch, and just listened.
“I know what you had going on last night,” Sebastian argued.
He hesitated for a few minutes, obviously listening to Blaine on the other end of the phone.
“You didn’t have a problem with us missing Kurt’s opening night at Fashion Week, so you can’t get really pissed at me that I ignored your gig last night.”
A few beats of silence passed, “Yes, I ignored you on purpose. I needed time with Kurt last night. I’m losing him, Blaine.”
Kurt ached for him, not just because he wanted Sebastian so much, but because his decision was putting Sebastian through so much turmoil. His hand pressed gently against the door, to open it, but then he put his hand back down, deciding at the last minute to just leave Sebastian alone.
“No, I’m not coming back to the apartment this weekend. I’m staying with Kurt.”
More beats of silence, and a sigh of frustration, “Yes, I love you.”
Kurt wrapped his arms around his torso, hating how tired and frustrated Sebastian sounded.
“No, that’s not going to work this time. I’m staying here. I need him, Blaine.”
Sebastian let out another huff of frustration, “That doesn’t concern you, actually. Blaine. Just listen for once. This isn’t about you right now. This is about Kurt and me. Our relationship. I’m staying here because he’s given me until Sunday night to fix this, and I’ll be damned if I’m letting him walk away from me again.”
Kurt heard the sound of a phone being thrown, and he scurried away from the door before Sebastian could catch him listening.
After a year of a relationship with both Blaine and Sebastian, Kurt has had enough, and he’s decided to remove the source of all his relationship problems from the equation… himself.
Kurt was back in the living room, fresh cup of coffee in hand, when Sebastian came back out. He leaned over Kurt and kissed him softly before taking a seat next to him on the couch.
“I listened in on your conversation,” Kurt admitted quickly, before he lost his nerve. “Not all of it, but some of it. He’s mad at you, isn’t he?”
Sebastian grabbed Kurt’s legs and pulled them so that Kurt’s feet were on his lap. He leaned back and propped his own feet back up on the table, and then he lolled his head in Kurt’s direction to look at him.
“You could have come in and listened if you wanted. I just took it in there because I knew he’d get mad and I figured you’ve had enough stress over the past few weeks.”
“I wish I hadn’t listened because I feel like I’m causing you more pain because you’re having problems with both of us now,” Kurt relaxed against the arm of the couch.
“I’ll deal with Blaine later. I want to know something.”
“Okay,” Kurt sipped his coffee again.
“When did you realize that you weren’t in love with Blaine anymore?”
“I remember the moment when I first accepted it. But I think it was a gradual thing. Being tired, like you said, giving up on trying to please him. We had problems in high school. We had problems in college. We were never really what we needed to be. I built up this resentment against him. Because I always gave in to him. And the resentment grew bigger and bigger all the time, until I just looked at him and couldn’t see the teenage dream I used to see. But the moment that I accepted it, was a night that we were all having sex. And I’ll be honest, it was less us than it was you two being all over each other and me a spectator. I realized that I didn’t care that Blaine was having sex with you. But I did care that you weren’t having it with me. I realized both of those things that night. That I didn’t love him, and that I did love you.”
“But why put up with us? I mean, if I were in your position, I wouldn’t have,” Sebastian replied. “I know we talked about how much attention I gave him. But we didn’t talk about the sex. And I know that he and I have sex more than you and I do. I’m not happy about it.”
“Well, neither am I, but it’s also a product of the attention thing. And back when this all started, the whole point of it was for Blaine to have you and me. He was the center of the relationship from the beginning. So it was a natural side effect that he’d be the center of our sex life.”
“You sound way too accepting of that,” Sebastian snorted.
“Well, what else was I going to be? I had a total of 3 boyfriends throughout high school and college. I was with Blaine up until the times that he broke up with me. It’s not like I was out having sex with anybody else at all,” Kurt pointed out. “I had two other boyfriends, who lasted a few months each. And then Blaine was back in my life. As far as I knew, Blaine was the one guy who’d always wanted me. The other relationships didn’t work out, and maybe it’s because I didn’t know how to have a different kind of relationship. I don’t even know. You made only the fourth guy I’ve ever slept with. And you clearly stated that you wanted only Blaine. What was I going to do? Whine about not getting fucked enough?”
Kurt chose not to point out that Blaine actually had whined about that at one point in their relationship. He wasn’t going to influence Sebastian’s choice any more than necessary.
“But you haven’t been getting fucked enough,” Sebastian argued. “And that’s partly my fault.”
“I left two weeks ago, but do you remember when the last time we had sex was? With or without Blaine,” Kurt put down his coffee cup and hugged a pillow to his chest.
“I’d say at least a month ago. Maybe more,” Sebastian answered with a frown on his face.
“If you include the last two weeks, it was eight weeks and four days ago. The night Blaine passed out on the sofa when we got back from that party. The one after his gig at Nightbird,” Kurt corrected.
“God, two months ago. I’m sorry baby.”
“I’m not asking for an apology. I just wanted to know if you realized it. It’s not something I even complain about, because what’s the use in complaining? You said it yourself, you’re tired. I know you’re tired. They work you to death, and I’m always at work, or designing in my office here. We just don’t spend enough time together period, so how are we going to have enough time to have sex?” Kurt reached out and met Sebastian’s hand, curling their fingers together. “The amount of sex has no bearing on how much I love you. But I do admit that I miss it. I miss the times when it feels like you’re focusing all on me.”
“You should have complained. And I shouldn’t have let it get to that point where you felt complaining wouldn’t do any good. I miss it too. I miss making love with you. I see your face then too you know. I see how much more you need in bed. What I don’t give you,” Sebastian tugged at Kurt’s hand, and he slapped his legs with his other hand. “Come here.”
Kurt hesitated. He loved sitting on Sebastian’s lap, and they usually only did that when they were alone, but they hadn’t been alone together, besides this weekend, in weeks.
When Sebastian tilted his head, Kurt gave in, and he crawled over to him, straddling him and putting his head on Sebastian’s shoulder.
Sebastian groaned an approval and he wrapped his hands around Kurt’s waist, and they sat, hugging each other. “I miss you so much.”
“I miss you too,” Kurt replied.
All this alone time with Sebastian was going to accomplish something this weekend. It was going to end up convincing Kurt to go back, and his sanity really couldn’t handle that.
“I hate having to admit this, but sometimes I feel like I have to hide you. How I feel about you.”
“What do you mean?” Kurt pulled his head up and looked into Sebastian’s beautiful green eyes.
“I want to touch you all the time, but I feel like if I do, Blaine will get jealous. And jealous Blaine isn’t fun to deal with.”
Kurt closed his eyes, “I know that. I get what you mean. I don’t like it, but I do understand it.”
“I realize what he does, you know,” Sebastian stroked Kurt’s face with the back of his fingers. “How he tries to distract me when I’m with you, and we don’t have to be doing anything at all. The way he nudges me if you and I are flirting in the kitchen. The way he is too impatient to wait for us to finish kissing before he’s pulling my face toward his. How I can be touching you, and he tries to distract me away from you. You might think I don’t see that, but I do.” Sebastian rubbed Kurt’s back with the other hand as he spoke.
“He’s always been like that. Finn sees it in Rachel too. He calls it the ‘look at me, look at me’ reaction. He said she used to do that all the time when she thought he was paying too much attention to someone else, and it didn’t even have to be another girl. With Blaine, it’s just easier to let yourself get distracted because then he smiles, and he’s happy again.”
Kurt tried to keep the bitterness out of his voice, but it was hard enough dealing with Blaine’s issues when he wanted to rant and rail at Blaine over Sebastian. Even though it wasn’t Blaine’s fault that Kurt wanted Sebastian.
It wouldn’t do any good to be angry with Blaine because Kurt couldn’t have what he wanted with Sebastian. It would just make Kurt look like a jealous selfish bitch, and if that’s how Sebastian and Blaine saw him, nothing he said would get taken seriously.
“I have another question,” Sebastian said softly.
Kurt fidgeted on his lap and looked down at him. “What?”
"Why is it that you bottom with me, and you seem to love it, but I’ve only ever seen you top with Blaine. Has it always been like that between you two?” Sebastian’s hand continued to lazily stroke Kurt’s back as he asked the question.
“Honestly, I’m versatile. But Blaine is a complete bottom.”
"Oh, I know Blaine is. Now. But I’ll be honest, when I first met you, I thought the opposite. I assumed he was the versatile one and you were the bottom. I assumed he would bottom for me and top you, but you definitely educated me on how wrong I was about you. Although I have to admit, those power bottom experiences with you were life-changing.”
Kurt snorted and leaned in to kiss him, “So you like me when I power bottom?”
“Oh god, yes. Like is not the word. And to be honest, the times I watched while you fucked Blaine, I was kind of jealous that he got that from you.”
Kurt sat back, “You want to bottom? I didn’t think you ever did that.”
“Of course I have. The guys I fucked in high school and college weren’t all bottoms, even though that’s always been my preference. Some were nice and big, burly guys. Really built. Some were skinny little twinks. Some were jocks with closet issues. Some bottomed. But some only topped, and I bottomed for them.” Sebastian fastened his hands on Kurt’s hips.
“It’s like everything I know is a lie,” Kurt smirked.
“You know it.”
“If I’d known that, I’d have…” Kurt let that thought die.
He’d been about to say that he would have asked for them to have sex that way. With Kurt topping Sebastian. But honestly, it wouldn’t have worked out that way. Before, the way their sex life went, Blaine was the one who bottomed. For both of them. And that’s the way Blaine liked it. Kurt supposedly gave the best blowjobs, and Sebastian was a rimming god. But when it came down to who got the most attention in bed, it had always been Blaine.
So even if Kurt had suggested it, it wouldn’t have happened.
“You’d have what?”
“Nothing,” Kurt said softly. “It was nothing.”
“So I’ll guess. You were about to say we could have done that in bed right? And then you stopped, because you realized that Blaine would have pitched a jealous fit if he wasn’t the one getting fucked that night, right?” Sebastian supplied bluntly.
“Not exactly the way I was thinking it, but yes. You just don’t care how blunt you are, do you?”
“No, never have and never will. But we can be honest here. You resent him, and you have every right. You have the right to resent me. I resent Blaine. Right now, he resents me. And he always resents you. But the thing is, he doesn’t have the right to resent you. He gets what he wants from me. You don’t. So he can’t really bitch about you getting something you want for a change, even though he still does.”
“That sounds like bitterness. Is that what you two talked about?”
“In short, yes.”
“Are you going to tell me the long version?”
“He complained at me because I missed his gig last night. And he got mad when I owned up to the fact that I knew he had a gig and I missed it on purpose. When I pointed out that we missed your show, and he never said a word about it, he said, and I quote ‘It’s not the same thing, Sebastian.’”
“Is that why you threw the phone?”
“Shit, you heard me do that too? Remind me to buy another one because that one hit your wall pretty hard. I’m pretty sure it’s trashed.”
“You didn’t answer my question about why you threw the phone.”
“I don’t want to,” Sebastian closed his eyes and leaned his head back onto the couch.
“Okay,” Kurt replied. “You’re still so tired. Come on.”
Kurt pulled him up and kissed him quickly.
“Where are we going?”
“You’re exhausted. So you are going to take another nap. And since you’ll just whine if I don’t lie down with you, I’m going to take a nap with you.”
“I don’t whine,” Sebastian argued.
Kurt stopped in the hall and turned to him, one eyebrow raised in disbelief. “I’m sorry? What?”
“I don’t whine. I just mildly protest in a manner that gets your attention.”
Kurt threw his head back and laughed, which elicited a tired smile from Sebastian. “That is the best politically correct method of explaining what you do that I’ve ever heard. God, you’re such a damn lawyer.”
Sebastian pulled him close. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. But for what?”
“Giving me a chance. For smiling. For taking over and taking care of me. Take your pick.”
“Come on. I could use a nap too. I slept with this guy last night who was all over me. He hogged the bed, and the covers, and he was really handsy,” Kurt said mockingly.
“And you loved it, didn’t you?” Sebastian asked softly.
“God, yes. Every moment of it,” Kurt leaned in and kissed him. “Just like I’m going to love every moment of this nap. Every moment of this weekend. I’m so afraid that when Sunday night comes, this will all be over. And I’ll be alone again.”
“It won’t be over. I won’t let it,” Sebastian said firmly. “Now, sleep with me. I feel the need to get handsy.”
Kurt stripped down into his briefs and his t-shirt, and he pulled down the covers on his bed. He turned to find Sebastian staring at him rather than getting undressed.
“Stop that,” Kurt said firmly.
“Why?” Sebastian grinned unashamedly. “Your ass is fabulous and you know it. You pride yourself on that fact. So why should I stop leering at it?”
“Because we aren’t having sex. Not until we figure all of this out.”
Sebastian pouted, and the sight was so adorable, a word that he would have never in his wildest dreams have associated Sebastian with back in high school.
“Okay, I guess I can accept that,” Sebastian licked his lips and ran his hand over his chest, a blatant attempt at seduction. Poorly and pornographically executed, but still hot.
Unfortunately, for Kurt it had a really good chance of working, so he turned away and snorted. “Get in the bed you sex addict.”
“Fine,” Sebastian stripped down to his briefs and climbed into the bed.
He pulled Kurt close to him, sighing softly as he ran his fingers over Kurt’s skin.
After minutes of letting Sebastian stroke his body, Kurt was almost ready to seduce the man himself, until he realized that Sebastian’s fingers had stopped moving, and his breathing had regulated. Kurt laughed softly when he realized that Sebastian had fallen asleep. Quickly, too, because he really was exhausted.
Sebastian falling asleep had saved Kurt from giving in and having sex with him, something that would break down the carefully placed walls that were already crumbling, tiny pieces at a time. If he gave in. If they made love, he’d never be able to let Sebastian go.
He’d never be able to walk away again.
Kurt didn’t think he would actually sleep when he lay down with Sebastian, but he woke to soft snoring and the man he loved being as unconsciously handsy as a person could get. Sebastian’s hand was cupping Kurt’s groin, and the groin in question was very aware of this fact.
He gently moved Sebastian’s hand away, and he held his breath when it looked like Sebastian might wake up. Kurt fidgeted to get more comfortable in the bed, and he resigned himself to being entrapped until Sebastian woke up.
Kurt turned his head to watch him sleep.
Sebastian looked younger when he slept. He looked almost like he was still eighteen years old. The lines in his face, brought by worry and work stress, and probably by KurtandBlaine drama, couldn’t be seen when he was sleeping. His hair was mussed, sticking up in areas, and Kurt fought the urge to run his hands through it.
Not to fix it, but because Kurt just wanted to touch him. But he didn’t want to wake Sebastian.
“I can feel you staring at me,” Sebastian’s voice was gravelly.
“Sorry. I get creeper tendencies when I wake up,” Kurt whispered.
Sebastian opened one eye, and he smirked at Kurt. “Don’t you dare get up,” he murmured as he pulled him closer the very moment Kurt moved again.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“Good,” Sebastian snuggled into him again.
If someone had told Kurt in senior year of high school that less than ten years later, Sebastian Smythe would be cuddling with him in bed, he’d have laughed in the person’s face. But here he was, a regular cuddle whore, refusing to let Kurt get up. They’d always had such few occasions where they could wake up like this that the whole situation was foreign to Kurt.
He also couldn’t remember a time that he’d woken to find Sebastian cuddling Blaine either, his heart pointed out helpfully.
“How long was I out?”
“Actually I don’t know. I can’t see the clock or reach my phone because this guy I’m in bed with has grabby hands and has me trapped under him,” Kurt replied in amusement.
“Never mind then. I don’t need to know that badly, not if it means you have to get up to tell me.”
Sebastian kissed him, moved to lean over him, and he propped himself up on his elbows to stare down at Kurt. He could tell Sebastian was getting ready to put on some kind of seduction plan. Kurt could see it in his eyes. His eye lids were heavy, and the green shade of his eyes seemed to get darker. Kurt watched as Sebastian’s tongue darted out to lick his own lips, and Kurt swallowed nervously.
If Sebastian pressed this, Kurt knew he’d give in and agree to make love. It wasn’t like making love with Sebastian was a hardship for him. It was just that he was so scared that at the end of this weekend, he’d lose Sebastian anyway. Because even though he had Sebastian’s full attention right now, all of that could change in a split second if Blaine were here.
Kurt slid his hands across Sebastian’s bare shoulders, and his fingers trailed down Sebastian’s arms, to his much adored biceps. Sebastian’s arms were seductive, and they were very strong, though you couldn’t tell that just based on the clothes he wore. His muscles were defined but not bulky, and when he flexed his arms, the sight had been known to make Kurt moan slightly.
Maybe more than slightly.
“Make love with me,” Sebastian said softly.
“Okay,” Kurt replied just as softly.
Sebastian snorted, “That was a little too easy. I thought I’d have to work at that a little more, to be honest.”
Kurt giggled because despite his inner monologue about how he wasn’t going to have sex with Sebastian, and how he’d said that they needed to fix their relationship first, he’d known deep inside that he’d say yes. All Sebastian had to do was ask. Or say he wanted it.
And Kurt would agree, because he missed Sebastian’s touch. Because he missed making love with him, and because it had been eight weeks and four days since they’d last made love.
“I want you. I always want you, and even though this isn’t going to fix us, I miss you. I miss us making love. And even though I know it’ll make everything more complicated and soul-shattering if we screw this up, I knew I could never really say no to you.”
Sebastian closed his eyes, “I hate when you talk like this is it for us. Like this is the last weekend we’ll be together.”
“Shh. Let’s not discuss that anymore,” Kurt pulled Sebastian’s head down for a kiss, and slanted his mouth against him, forgetting that he shouldn’t open his body and his heart up to Sebastian completely.
Forgetting that in one fell swoop, Blaine could walk right in and take him away again. Maybe for good.
Sebastian groaned against his mouth, and his hands tangled in Kurt’s hair, pulling his head in closer, tilting his head back slightly as he kissed him.
Sebastian took over, as he always tended to do when they were together, lips demanding, tongue seeking access to his mouth, hands trapping Kurt’s face. Kurt sighed against his mouth, caught by memories of the first time Sebastian ever kissed him like this. Like he couldn’t get close enough. Like he couldn’t stop touching him. Like he couldn’t and wouldn’t ever stop loving him.
Kurt felt tears form at the corner of his eye as they kissed, and he blinked when he felt Sebastian’s thumb brush over them, wiping them away.
“Stay with me,” Sebastian whispered when he pulled away from the kiss. “I can’t be without you. Please don’t leave me. I love you so much.”
“Bas,” Kurt’s voice broke on the nickname. “I love you too.”
The tears began to fall unhindered again, and Kurt was near the point of silent sobbing. His body shook as he cried, and Sebastian held him, pulling him tightly against him, murmuring words of love and encouragement to him. Telling him that they’d be fine. That Blaine would change. Words Kurt knew weren’t true, but he could tell that Sebastian thought they were.
When he voiced those concerns, Sebastian’s eyes narrowed. “Then I’ll leave. I’m not giving you up. Well, actually, I’ll ask him to leave. The apartment is in my name still, so I can’t really move out.”
“No, Sebastian. You don’t want that,” Kurt scrambled off the bed and grabbed a pair of shorts, pulling them on quickly. “I told you I can’t take you resenting me later. I never should have agreed to this.” Kurt wiped the tears from his face and stared down. “I shouldn’t have let my guard down. You don’t want to choose between us. You said that the day I left.”
“Stop telling me what I want, god dammit,” Sebastian followed him off the bed, but he didn’t bother putting his clothes back on. “You don’t know what I want. I’m fucking in love with you. And I’m not going to stand by while you walk away from me. I need you, and if that means that I have to choose, then I’m fucking choosing,” Sebastian shouted. “I told you I said that because I was blindsided by this. I know what I want right now. And it’s you.”
“Sebastian,” Kurt sat down on the bed. “I can’t. You love him. You were supposed to make the decision based on what you want from both of us.”
“And I can’t do that. I see that now. I can’t ask you to come back to that situation, knowing Blaine the way we both do. So the only other choice that lets me have you is this. So this is the choice I’m making.”
“But,” Kurt began to interrupt, but Sebastian kneeled in front of him.
“But you always wanted him more.”
“Not always. Just at the beginning. You don’t see the things that I see. You see other things, don’t get me wrong. But you look at me and Blaine through some kind of ‘Blaine’s finally gotten what he always wanted’ filter. But you don’t see the reality behind my relationship with Blaine. I did love him. Maybe I still do. I don’t even know anymore. But I do know one thing.”
“If it had been him walking out on me two weeks ago, I’m not sure I would have gone after him.”
“What does that even mean, Sebastian?” Kurt cupped his hand over Sebastian’s jawline and blinked tears from his eyes.
“I mean what I said. If he had walked out on me, I’m not sure I would have gone after him. He is,” Sebastian hesitated, as if he couldn’t find the right words to describe him. “He’s Blaine. And I’m tired, Kurt. I’m really tired, and I’m not sure anybody realizes how tired I am. Except you. And I don’t just mean physically tired.”
“I know what you mean,” Kurt leaned over and kissed him. “I get it.”
“You get it because you’ve been there.”
Kurt knew that wasn’t the only reason he understood. He knew Blaine better than anybody probably.
"Sometimes I come home, and it starts immediately. And I know I do it because he expects it. Because that’s what he needs. I know he’s not doing it on purpose, at least part of me thinks that. But then part of me thinks he’s just needy because he wants all my attention and doesn’t want you to have any of it. He’d deny it if I asked. But I see the looks he gives me when I touch you. They’re frustrating, and sometimes I don’t touch you, when I should, because of those looks. Because I don’t want to argue. And that's not fair to you, and I know it's not fair."
Sebastian’s shoulders dropped, and he sighed before allowing his head to tilt and come to rest on Kurt’s legs.
He kept talking as he sprawled his legs in the floor and kept his head in Kurt’s lap, and Kurt began absently threading his fingers through Sebastian’s hair.
“Sometimes, I just want to come home to you. Because you worry about me and not about whether or not I’m paying you enough attention. You worry about whether or not I’m getting enough sleep, not about why I’m too tired to fuck you. You ask me if I’m okay, instead of asking me why I don’t appreciate you enough. I do take advantage of you, and I know I do it. And I have to stop, because I slept next to him for night after night, and he never noticed that I wasn’t sleeping. Because I was up thinking about you. Because I couldn’t sleep. But I was here five minutes and you realized how tired I was,” Sebastian closed his eyes as Kurt stroked his hair.
“Come here,” Kurt pulled him to his feet and back onto the bed. “You make it sound like I’m a little too good to be true, so we need to talk some more. Because I am not all that, Bas.”
Sebastian snorted, “Really?”
“Yes, I’m a bitch, and I know it. I own it, because you know what, it got me through a lot in high school. I complain about stupid things. Like whether or not you left dirty dishes in the sink. I complain about you leaving the lid off the toothpaste, and I complain about Blaine using my shampoo that I have on special order. I used to put bronzer in his moisturizer, just because he wouldn’t listen to me about the fact that while I can pull off the porcelain look, he needs a tan. I know all this. I own this. And I know why I do it.”
“I gotta admit, that toothpaste thing gets on my nerves,” Sebastian laughed softly as they snuggled on the bed.
“I know. I purposely argue with you about the very things I know get on your nerves. Because then, you’re arguing with me. I know it’s stupid. It’s juvenile, and it’s like I don’t care how I get your attention as long as I get your attention. I bitch when we’re at dinner, and I know I’m snotty. I have a very low tolerance for people. Pretty much any people. And a lot of the time, I feel like other people aren’t really bright enough to bother talking to,” Kurt wasn’t proud of his faults, but he was willing to own up to them.
Sebastian snorted, “Damn. And you call me blunt.”
“I’m judgmental and I can be the meanest person on the planet. But I fight for certain things. I fight for the people who love me, and I fight about stupid everyday things. But I never fight for myself. I’d defend you to the death from creepers like that guy at the club. I fight for my girls. I fight for my family. And I used to fight for Blaine.”
“I remember that very well,” Sebastian said softly.
“But I don’t fight for myself. I know I don’t. I can verbally tear down someone who is homophobic, but that’s for the good of the entire gay community. But someone who comes after me, I don’t fight. And I know why I don’t, and it kind of plays into this situation we’re in.”
“I don’t fight because I’m afraid I’ll lose. I’m afraid that no matter how much I want something, I’ll never get it. So if I don’t fight for myself, I don’t face that thing, whatever it is, being ripped away from me when I lose. And I nearly always lose,” Kurt thought back to all the things in high school that he’d tried to get for himself.
And then he thought more about his experiences in college, about everything that someone else got that he’d also tried to get for himself, and he sighed.
“You can’t lose me,” Sebastian said quietly. “So you’d rather not fight for me. Because if Blaine ends up winning, it’ll be worse.”
“It’s not that I don’t want to fight for you. It’s that Blaine wins. He always wins, and he will always win. That’s a fact of my life that I came to grips with a long time ago. So I don’t fight Blaine. I don’t compete with him anymore, because it doesn’t matter what I’m competing for, he will win. There’s never been a time in my life when he didn’t win. So what’s the point?” Kurt brushed away the tear that he felt running down his cheek.
“I’m the point, goddammit,” Sebastian said in frustration. “This isn’t just a solo, here. This isn’t a spot in a prestigious school, and this definitely isn’t the lead in a play. This is us, Kurt. This is more important, so you can’t just give it up. You can’t!”
Kurt stilled next to him because Sebastian was right.
He was more important. He was worth fighting for.
“You’re right,” Kurt whispered. “I’m sorry.”
Kurt pulled Sebastian into a hug and held him tightly. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t realize what I was doing. I just saw it as me finally understanding that you’d never want me the way you want Blaine. And so I chose to stop it before I got even more hurt in the process.”
Sebastian hugged him back, his face buried again in Kurt’s neck. “You can’t leave me. I will not accept it. If you try, I’ll come after you again. I’ll never stop coming after you.”
“I’m so in love with you I want to punch you in the face in frustration sometimes,” Kurt whispered. “Things have got to change. I won’t sleep in the same room with him. I’ll take the other room. You can spend time with him and then spend time with me, and I won’t make demands. I’ll take what I can get, because I love you so much.”
“Kurt,” Sebastian began.
“I promise I’ll be less irritating, and I’ll make dinner more often, and then you can spend more time with Blaine, because you’re right. He needs attention more than I do. And I’ll help you with him again, but I’m not sleeping with him, because I don’t love him anymore. But I do you.”
“Kurt,” Sebastian laughed and clapped a hand over his mouth.
“WHHH?” Kurt murmured from behind his hand.
“Kurt.” Sebastian said firmly. “Shut up for a second.”
Kurt nodded behind his hand, and Sebastian released him. “What?”
“I’m choosing you. Not because I think you’re making me choose. But because I need you. I’m in love with you, and when I look at you I feel different things than when I look at him. I don’t even know if what I feel for him is love anymore, even though I tell him I love him. I tell him that because he asks me if I love him. But sometimes, I respond because it’s habit rather than an undying need to tell him that I love him. I resent that. I resent him more than I care for him, right in this moment in time. When I went into this relationship, it was not because I was already head over heels in love with him. It was because I finally saw a chance with him, and I took it.”
“Sebastian,” Kurt said softly.
“Let me finish. None of us thought this decision through, especially not Blaine. He went into this because he wanted to sleep with me, and he knew that getting you to agree to this was the only way he could get that without breaking up with you. No, he didn’t tell me this. This is my opinion about our situation. What he wanted was a threesome, when what we tried was a polyamorous relationship when the three people involved were not in love,” Sebastian replied as he slid a hand into Kurt’s hair.
“I know. It was not the right kind of situation from the beginning. It was unfair from the start because Blaine had all your attention, and he had all mine,” Kurt leaned his head into Sebastian’s touch. “There was nothing left for you and me to give each other, and in the beginning, no motivation either.”
“Not anymore. I fell in love with you, but I can honestly say that I didn’t fall in love with Blaine. That’s the reason I’m choosing you. Not because you’re being selfish and making me decide this. It’s because there’s no other decision to make. I know I went off the night you screamed at us, and I know I said I wasn’t going to choose. But that was simply because you and I fight. You piss me off and I piss you off, and I said that without thinking.”
“You’re not going to resent me?” Kurt asked.
“Only if you leave me again, and then I’ll resent the hell out of you.”
“Okay. But what are we going to do?”
“I don’t know honestly. We have to talk to Blaine, but the apartment is in my name, and I’m not giving that up. We’ll figure it out. It might be a gradual thing, because I can’t just kick him out. We can just let him know that things will be different, and that I’m choosing you, and he can have time to find a place,” Sebastian grimaced. “It won’t be pretty, but what breakup is pretty?”
“I’m helping Finn with rent, so I can’t just up and leave until he finds another roommate.”
Sebastian nodded. “We’ll work it out. Because we are not going through this again. You and I are going to keep talking, and this between us is going to get better.”
“Good, because I want it to get better. I want to be with you so much I ache with it every day. I want us to be us, and I had just convinced myself that I’d never be able to have that. So that’s why I gave up,” Kurt turned on his side and leaned in to kiss Sebastian. “I never stopped loving you though. Even though I left you.”
“Okay,” Sebastian smirked just as he kissed Kurt, and the look on his face made it clear he was going to get them back to the making love part of their day, when a knock on the door interrupted.
“What Finn?” Kurt shouted, covering Sebastian’s ear with his hand so as not to temporarily deafen him.
“Blaine’s at the door. I figured I’d better tell you before I let him in.”
“Well, this confrontation is coming sooner than I anticipated,” Sebastian grimaced. “Seriously. When we’re not cockblocking ourselves, other people pick up the slack.”
Kurt laughed as Sebastian got up and started pulling on clothes. Kurt got dressed quickly, and he headed out the door before Sebastian had finished because he’d started with more clothes on in the first place.
He hesitated at the door, because he really didn’t like conflict, and he didn’t want to have one right now.
When he opened it, he found Blaine fuming on the other side. “Where is he?”
“He’s in my room. Getting dressed,” Kurt replied.
“We need to talk,” Blaine replied firmly. “Sebastian and I, I mean.”
So this was how Blaine was going to handle the situation. “Okay, if that’s what you want.” He’d wait for Sebastian to address that.
Sebastian entered the small greeting area that wasn’t even big enough to be accused of foyer status, and he lounged against the wall, “Hey Blaine.”
“We need to talk. Alone.”
“No, not alone. Anything you want to say can be said in front of Kurt, actually. And the same goes for him.”
Finn entered the room, and he stopped to get his coat, “You know what guys? I’m not prepared for this kind of situation. I’m going to go. Kurt, you text me when it’s safe to come home.”
“Where are you going?”
“I don’t know. Shopping.”
“You hate shopping.”
“I hate this more. See ya,” Finn shot out as he shut the door firmly.
“Come on in, Blaine,” Kurt gestured for him to enter and then walked into the living room, assuming that Sebastian would make sure that Blaine followed.
Kurt stood at the window for a brief moment before he turned to look at them.
Blaine was furious, he could tell. He couldn’t tell for sure which one of them Blaine was actually angry with, but he’d assume Sebastian because of missing the gig the night before.
“Okay, Blaine, we need to talk.”
“I have been texting you and calling you for almost twenty-four hours Sebastian. I had to go to Kurt’s dad to find out where you were.”
“How well did that work out for you?” Sebastian asked.
“He said I needed to fix something. But then when I said I had no clue what he was talking about, he got upset with me.”
Kurt bit back a grin. That was just like Burt Hummel.
When he’d let him know he was moving in with Finn, he’d had to explain everything to his father. He’d never been all that crazy about Kurt’s relationship in the first place. He’d asked Kurt if Blaine had pressured him into this, and Kurt had said no, even though that hadn’t been exactly true. And his father seemed to have picked up on that, because he’d treated Blaine a little differently after that. And his father had never really spent enough time with Sebastian to ever get to the point where they could really get along.
But essentially, Burt Hummel had given both Sebastian and Blaine a test. Sebastian had passed it, and Blaine had not.
“Why haven’t you called me back or texted me?” Blaine lowered his voice, as if he was trying to keep the conversation out of Kurt’s hearing range.
“Because I threw my phone into Kurt’s bedroom wall and broke it,” Sebastian shrugged.
“You know what about. About why I’m here. I told you why I was spending the weekend with Kurt. You can’t tell me you don’t understand what’s been going on, not unless you really weren’t listening to me.”
“Sebastian, we need to take this discussion home,” Blaine glanced in Kurt’s direction and lowered his voice again.
“Because he left us. He left you. This doesn’t involve him,” Blaine replied angrily.
“Yes it does,” Kurt said firmly. “I’m done being talked around, and talked down to, and talked about. Look at me, Blaine.”
Blaine turned his head, but he seemed too angry to really focus on Kurt. He had that look Kurt had seen multiple times before. That look of betrayal. That look of barely controlled anger he got when something didn’t go his way.
“I left because I was tired of feeling like he only wanted you. Because he did so much for you that there was no time left for me. I left because I felt like I was a third wheel in the relationship. And you are partly the reason for that. But so am I.”
“What I mean is that you seem to go out of your way to keep all of Sebastian’s time and attention for yourself. Even if he’s going out of his way to do something for me. Sometimes I think you don’t realize you do it and sometimes I think you know very well that you do it.”
“What? What are you talking about?” Blaine looked shocked.
And this was the point where everything always went wrong when he tried to explain to Blaine why he was upset with him. This was the point where Blaine’s lack of self-awareness kicked in, and he became oblivious and defensive. This was the point where Blaine began disputing anything he said with a brush-off about how that wasn’t important, or it wasn’t true, or it didn’t matter in the long run.
This is where Kurt hit a road-block every time he tried talking to Blaine.
“I’d love to be able to assume that you have no idea what I’m talking about, but sometimes I really don’t think so. Sometimes, I think you know very well what you’re doing, but you do it anyway because you can’t help yourself.”
“I don’t do anything,” Blaine said firmly.
“Why can’t you ever compromise?” Sebastian asked softly, and Kurt glanced over at him.
“I do compromise,” Blaine countered.
“About what? Name one thing you compromise on. About us I mean. Not work, and not your music. I mean about your relationship,” Sebastian asked.
“I compromised about you spending the weekend here,” Blaine replied.
“No, you didn’t. I told you I was doing it, and I really gave you no choice,” Sebastian answered.
“Then I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Blaine sat down and stared at Sebastian.
“Why are you so angry?” Kurt asked softly.
Blaine glared over at him, and Kurt felt like he’d flashbacked into high school, with Blaine sitting next to him and glaring to the side at Kurt in Glee Club. That’s what his face had reminded Kurt of.
“You feel like because I left, Sebastian is cheating on you with me, don’t you?” Kurt asked quietly.
Blaine looked startled, but he didn’t answer.
“I’ve seen that look before, Blaine. You can’t really think that way, can you? We were all in a relationship together. It’s not cheating if he loves me too.”
“You left,” was all Blaine said.
“Blaine,” Sebastian leaned his head back and sighed.
He wanted an apology, and he wouldn’t discuss this any further until he got one.
“Sebastian, I just can’t. I can’t. I don’t even know,” Kurt stood.
Sebastian stood as well, and he looked down at Blaine. “Is it true? Are you angry because you think I’m cheating on you because I’m here with Kurt?”
Blaine turned his head to avoid Sebastian, not answering, and Kurt walked over to the window again. He should have known this was how this discussion was going to go.
“I want out Blaine, and it’s as simple as that,” Sebastian said.
“You want out of what?” Blaine stood up.
“This relationship. It isn’t working. We shouldn’t have even tried it in the first place. You can’t do a three person relationship without real love. A two-person relationship is difficult enough.”
“It’s working just fine. Well it was,” Blaine replied firmly.
“It was working for you because you were getting what you want,” Kurt replied, still looking out the window rather than at Blaine.
“What are you talking about?” Blaine shot back.
“I mean you had me for a while, and you had Sebastian. We both wanted you, and instead of choosing between us, this is what you wanted. And we shouldn’t have agreed to that. Neither one of us,” Kurt answered.
“That’s not how this happened,” Blaine denied. “I just wanted us to give this a chance. Because I’d always been attracted to you, Sebastian.”
“Attracted yes. But you didn’t love me. And I didn’t love you. But along the way, I fell in love with Kurt, and you fell out of love with him. Why were you staying? Why didn’t you leave instead of him? I just want to understand Blaine. I want to know what your motivations are.”
“I loved the fact that you wanted me so badly,” Blaine replied. “But I don’t know if I love you or not. I like the attention, and the sex is amazing. But the rest, I’m not good at it, and I never have been.”
“Do you realize that when he tries to touch me, you try to distract him? I’m not throwing out accusations because I already know that you do it. I just want to know if it’s on purpose,” Kurt said, keeping his voice level and calm.
“Yes,” was all he said.
“You’re jealous of him?” Sebastian asked, and Kurt turned around in time to see Blaine nod.
“But why? You’ve had him focus on you for so long. What’s so bad about me getting my own time with him?” Kurt asked.
“I don’t know. I just know that I don’t like it,” Blaine confessed with a shrug.
Well, at least he was being honest about it rather than denying it. That was progress, Kurt guessed.
“We can’t do this anymore Blaine. I’m exhausted, and part of the reason I’m exhausted is because you demand so much from me. I can’t keep ignoring him just to make you happy. And I’ll be honest with you, brutally honest most likely, but if you had been the one to leave this relationship, I don’t think I would have fought for you.”
Blaine flinched, but he didn’t say a word.
“You never notice anything about anybody else because you don’t try to. You don’t think about how your actions affect other people. And that’s tiring Blaine. I want to be able to kiss him, touch him, and have sex with him without you trying to guilt me about it. Because I’m in love with him. I need him, and I’m not going to let him go.”
“If that’s your choice,” Blaine replied, quietly with a slight tone of resentment in his voice.
But he was calm now.
Tomorrow, when Blaine had the chance to talk to their friends, that’s when everything would blow up. When he’d gotten to them first, and he’d played his victim card. When he’d told everybody about how wrongly Sebastian and Kurt had treated him. When he’d shamed them to all their friends.
Only then would Blaine feel better about this.
And both he and Sebastian knew that’s what was going to happen, and though they’d never discussed it, they were going to allow it to happen.
But Kurt looked over at Sebastian, his face steeled with resolve, and he realized that it was going to be okay. Because they had each other, and they could handle the outrage that would come from people who had chosen Blaine’s side in all this. They had no choice but to handle it, because they were the ones ending this with Blaine.
“It’s my apartment,” Sebastian said hesitantly.
“I know,” Blaine replied, that tone of betrayal back in his voice.
“I’ll give you time to find an apartment,” Sebastian continued. “We have to wait for Finn to find a roommate anyway. Before Kurt can move back in with me.”
“Fine,” Blaine snapped. “Whatever you want. I’ll move out now if that will make it easier.”
“No,” Kurt stopped and sighed before he finished his thought. “You know what. It’s not my apartment. I can’t make that call.”
“You can stay until you find a new place. Someplace you can afford. But know this. If Finn finds a new roommate first, and Kurt moves back in before you move out, he will be with me. We will be sharing a room, and the apartment belongs as much to him as it does to me, regardless if his name is on the lease.”
Kurt wanted to tackle Sebastian and throw his arms around him, but this wasn’t the moment for that.
This was "the business of breaking up" as quoted by one of his favorite actresses, Meg Ryan, in one of his favorite movies. This was the nasty, uncomfortable part of breaking up.
This was the situation that, in the rom-coms he loved, occurred after the storm out. This was the “picking up all your stuff at your ex’s” kind of business. This was the painful part, when the elation over moving on paled a little in comparison to the sympathy felt for the person being left behind.
And Kurt felt a little happier than maybe he should, if he was honest with himself. Because all along he figured that the loser, the person left behind in this situation, would automatically be him. And to know that it wasn’t was comforting and, yes, a little guilt-inducing.
But he wanted to be happy, and Sebastian wanted to be with him, and he was going to hang on to him with both hands, just in case Sebastian thought about changing his mind.
And he refused to feel guilty about that.
He watched the emotions play over Blaine’s face, and then he saw signs of resignation there.
“I’ll see if Jake can let me stay.”
“Your choice. You have the time. All you need to do is take it.”
Blaine nodded, and he glanced at Kurt before he turned to leave. “If it means anything, I’m sorry for the things that I did to force you two apart.”
“Thank you,” Kurt replied softly.
Sebastian repeated his words, and they watched Blaine leave the living room, Kurt flinching when the door slammed behind him.
“Well, that was unpleasant,” Sebastian said in the direction of the front door.
“Yes, it was. Thank you,” Kurt walked over to him and wrapped his arms around him. “For saying the apartment was mine too.”
Sebastian bent to kiss him, “It is. Now, before you text Finn, can we please go make love now?”
He sounded like a kid asking if he could finally unwrap Christmas presents.
“Yes,” agreed, dragging Sebastian towards his bedroom.
“I want to bottom. I’ve been craving that since we talked,” Sebastian confessed with a smirk as he shut the door behind him.
“Oh really?” Kurt smiled at him and pressed him against the door. “Craving it, huh?”
“Yeah,” Sebastian wrapped one hand around the back of Kurt’s neck and pulled him in for a kiss.
He could kiss Sebastian for hours. The man was incredibly talented in that particular endeavor. He knew just how to bite Kurt’s lip to inflict just enough tension but no pain. He knew just how much teasing he needed to do before Kurt would open his mouth for him. He knew how to make Kurt weak just with the touch of his fingers and thumbs. He knew how to make Kurt ache with want, just with a kiss, and that was how Sebastian was kissing him.
Sebastian pushed away from the door, arms wrapped around Kurt, and he backed them towards the bed. Kurt laughed against his mouth, and he allowed Sebastian to undress him, the clothes falling to the floor unheeded.
“God, I missed you,” Sebastian murmured against his mouth.
“Missed you too. So much,” Kurt pulled back to say. He stroked Sebastian’s cheek with the backs of his fingers. “I love you so much.”
“I love you too.”
Kurt watched as Sebastian stripped, always glorious when he was naked, and the long limbs were so gorgeous, spattered with sexy little freckles. His body was amazing, and Kurt’s mouth flooded in anticipation. It had been so long for them.
Two months too long.
Sebastian seemed to realize what he was thinking, because the smirked turned into a soft smile. “Come on, baby.”
He crawled into the bed and adjusted the blankets and pillows to suit his needs, and he blatantly opened his legs in invitation, a sudden and lascivious grin on his face.
Kurt giggled, and he got into bed, kissing the first section of skin his mouth could reach, which turned out to be Sebastian’s knee.
“Can you handle this?” Kurt asked smugly. “I am a bit well-endowed, and you don’t bottom often. This might be too much for you.”
Sebastian snorted, “Just prep me, you egotistical smartass.”
“Aww. Your endearments for me just touch my heart,” Kurt replied as he began prepping Sebastian, and smirking when Sebastian nearly thrust up off the mattress.
Kurt leaned down and kissed him as he kept stretching him, and he was probably being more thorough than was really needed, but he could get a little OCD about it hurting. He wanted Sebastian to enjoy it as much as he did, but the man could be just as bitchy as Kurt could when it came to being impatient in bed.
After minutes of stretching, teasing along his prostate, Sebastian’s demanding bitch side came out, and Kurt laughed softly.
“Now, dammit,” Sebastian glared.
“Not yet. I want to make sure,” Kurt ignored his protests until he felt that Sebastian was prepared enough.
“Kurt,” Sebastian’s voice was clipped.
“Okay, okay,” he bent down to kiss him. “You’re bitchier than I am, and that’s saying something.”
When Kurt’s cock was ready, condom and lube applied as Sebastian bitched, he entered Sebastian slowly. He wanted this to last, because he’d never topped with Sebastian before. Sebastian gave a satisfied groan, and Kurt grinned down at him.
He was beautiful, sprawled out on the bed, a sheen of perspiration already covering some parts of his skin. His eyes were closed, and his arms were strewn haphazardly above his head, on the pillows. Kurt just watched him as he began thrusting, catching the play of emotions on his face, and the way his lips pressed together during particularly deep thrusts. Sebastian wasn't quiet either, Kurt smiled.
The curse words leaving his mouth were stuttered and rather violent in nature, and Kurt grinned when Sebastian became frustrated with Kurt’s slow steady thrusting. Sebastian’s legs wrapped around him, pulling his hips closer, a futile attempt to make Kurt fuck into him faster. Something Kurt was not about to do.
It felt too good inside him to rush this.
Sebastian was so tight, partly because he rarely bottomed, but Kurt didn’t care. He was just in a state of wonder that Sebastian wanted to bottom, and he was going to make it last as long as he could.
He allowed his hips to snap forward sharply randomly, with just enough intensity that Sebastian would curse, or shout his name. Then he’d return to slow thrusting, to keep himself from coming sooner than he wanted to come.
Sebastian would gloat later that Kurt had come first, and Kurt would of course argue that his memory was faulty, and he’d come in a messy fit of curses and muttered nonsense long before Kurt had. But all too soon, they both came, and Kurt pulled out, disposing of the condom in a small wastebasket nearby to keep from having to leave the room to visit the bathroom.
He snuggled next to Sebastian, and the man was already almost asleep.
Kurt smiled as he tugged the blankets over them, and Sebastian murmured against his temple.
“You warm enough?” Sebastian asked as he adjusted the blankets, still half asleep.
“Just enough. I’m perfect.”