Twenty Random Facts About Atlantis

by zellieh

Summary:

Nobody can find the still, but everybody knows who runs it.

Notes:

Inspired by a Battlestar Galactica fic by bantha_fodder (among others). Crack fic.

1. There’s a working ZPM recharger in McKay’s lab. It was mislabelled as a broken Ancient hairdryer. They’ll find it one day. But the idiot who mislabelled it will have been Wraithed by then.

2. When Ronon’s sex life erupted into a screaming hair-pulling catfight in the middle of the mess hall, Sheppard and Weir had to try and explain lots of things to him very quickly. But Sheppard stammered and Weir blushed and eventually they called in Beckett. Who went into such amazing detail that he somehow ended up being carried through the corridors and dragged into Ronon’s room. No-one ever mentions this. Except McKay.

3. In the basement there’s a storeroom that they never find. It’s full of the equivalents of an Ancient first-aid kit. The pocket-sized healing devices can cure even the most severe injury.

4. The names confuse the newbies, but not the old hands. All the old hands know that Grodin’s mug belongs to Weir, Zelenka uses Dumais’ laptop, and Sheppard writes with Sumner’s pen.

5. Nobody can find the still, but everybody knows who runs it. And the four-eyed pony-tailed bastard charges extortionate prices and won’t give credit.

6. Beckett got so sick of people sidling up to him in the Infirmary that he filled little baskets full of lube and condoms and put them in the mess hall. Now people lurk around corners when he goes to fill them. At least he doesn’t have to look them in the eyes.

7. Sumner’s one personal item is a ratty old teddy bear that used to belong to his kids. He takes it with him to every posting, for luck.

8. No-one goes into the lab where the energy cloud was held. It’s gone. It’s definitely gone. McKay checked, double-checked, and then went back and triple-checked. Just to be sure it was gone. But still no-one goes into that lab. Or near it.

9. Everybody knows about Zelenka’s thing for Weir. He thinks he’s being subtle - that he’s got away with it - because no-one’s placed a bet with him about it. That’s because they’ve placed those bets with McKay.

10. Bates doesn’t like Teyla. That’s why he watches her constantly on the security cameras. Especially when she’s in the gym with Sheppard. Because he doesn’t like Sheppard either.

11. 10,000 years ago the city flew across two galaxies. When they find the flight control room Sheppard’s going to sit in the chair and come in his pants. But Weir won’t put that in the report.

12. Twenty years from now the side-effects of the ATA gene therapy will really kick in. People will be very unhappy with Beckett. Especially the parents.

13. Nobody interrupts Sheppard’s afternoon ‘meetings’, no matter how loud the ‘shouting’ gets, and Weir never asks for any reports. And nobody sees anyone coming out of his office looking rumpled either. But nobody will put their stuff on his desk, and only newbies sit on the couch in his office.

14. In about six weeks they’ll find out that the blue-purple meat interferes with contraceptives.

15. When they finally defeat the Wraith, the old hands will drink themselves into unconsciousness while the newbies dance and cheer. Their bad mood won’t spoil the party, though, because there will be far more happy newbies than there will be old hands.

16. The botanists are all very calm. Coincidentally, they’ve been calm ever since they identified the plant that Teyla uses in her meditation incense. Very calm. Especially Parrish. Major Lorne is also very calm.

17. When they first got back to Earth, Carter shook McKay’s hand and they had a long, meaningful conversation. Then she kissed him. Unfortunately, McKay was still coming down off the stimulants, exhausted, high on coffee, and slightly drunk at the time, so he doesn’t remember any of this. That’s going to get him in a lot of trouble next time he sees Carter.

18. Miko Kusanagi has the Ancient gene. She’s very popular with the female staff, because she knows how to properly ‘adjust’ the shower settings.

19. When he accepts military command of Atlantis, Everett knows that if he survives this, he’ll definitely make General before he dies.

20. Last month they found the Ancient Concert Hall. McKay played a piano concerto so beautiful that Zelenka cried. Sheppard played Willie Nelson.

Notes:

For those who don't recognise the name, Willie Nelson is an American Country & Western singer, like Johnny Cash, the famous Man In Black on the poster in Sheppard's room.