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“What, so you just don’t wanna be with anyone, ever?”
“No! Dave, that’s totally not the point I was trying to make here!” John groaned, fisting his hands in his thick hair, “I thought that you of all people would get it; you just told me last week that you liked dudes!”
“Well you know what they say man,” Dave hooked his thumbs into his belt loops and canted his hips, “The only thing ‘ever came outta Texas was steers ‘n queers, ‘n I sure as fuck don’t look like no steer. I like cock, stop the world, but the point is that I still like it. I’m not sure I’m getting what you’re throwing down.”
John closed his eyes. Took a deep breath. Counted to three. He had to keep his head here; if he couldn’t explain this to his best bro, how the hell was he going to tell any of his other friends?
“I just don’t, okay?” he said flatly, “I know when we were in the game I was pretty set on being ‘not a homosexual,’ but that was just because I knew I wasn’t attracted to dudes and I figured all the stuff with girls would come later…”
“So wait,” Dave held up his hand, “You say that like you’re not the straightest line on the page, but you’re not gay either.”
“I’m not gay, Dave! It’s –well, I dunno, maybe it’s a little like that, but it’s not at the same time!” John found himself struggling for an explanation. Was this thing really so hard for Dave to understand? How the hell was it so incomprehensible for John to just not be interested in sex?
“Wow. I suddenly understand nothing.”
“Dave! I’m not into girls or guys like that! It’s called being asexual!”
“Which just brings us full circle back to my first question.”
“What, no! Ugh,” John pushed his glasses up into his hair, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes, “It’s just sex, Dave! Sex! It’s not like I don’t want to be with anyone, I think it’d be awesome to meet some nice person and fall in love and all that jazz—“
“—Bold words coming from a newly-minted seventeen year old—“
“—Shut up, Dave! I still like people and all that stuff, I just don’t want to have sex with them. I don’t think that it’s all that interesting, to be honest.”
Dave quirked an eyebrow above his shades, “Bro, Egbert, we are talking about sex here. I know you’re not a prude; you dealt with Karkat’s retarded black-red reacharound longer than anyone rightly ought to.”
“Daaave, where are you even going with this?”
“It can’t be a comfort thing, can it? You’re not just staying away from the nasty ‘cause you’re uncomfortable?”
“I’m not uncomfortable. It doesn’t really bother me at all,” John chewed thoughtfully on his lower lip, trying to think of the best way to phrase his jumbled feelings, “It’s like, sure, sex, big deal. Everyone talks about it, it’s supposed to be great, blah blah blah. Then there’s me sitting over here in the John Corner, vaguely intrigued about the whole thing with no actual urge to see what all the hype is about. I just have no sexual attraction to either sex. Sure, some dudes and girls are hot, I can tell that because I have eyes, but it’s just a casual observation. There’s no spark or anything.”
“Hold up. Dudes and chicks. Egbert, you inadvertently coming out to me or something?” Dave asked, amused smirk playing on the edges of his lips.
“Eh, well, I dunno, maybe? I mean, it’s not really a sex thing. It’s about what’s on the inside that makes me romantically attracted to someone. I guess it wouldn’t really matter if it’s a guy or girl to me. I know that a lot of asexuals only like one gender though, I looked a lot of this stuff up.”
“So you would have a totally normal relationship with someone, just no hanky-panky on the side?”
“Pretty much. That’s all I really want. I know it’s not exactly…erm…conventional, but maybe I’ll get lucky and find someone. After all, I technically have aaaaaaaall the luck now, right?” John laughed, rocking back onto his heels and back again.
Dave chuckled, “And to think that Jade was worried that you’d be a sad, lonely old geezer with your whole ‘relationships are stupid’ tirade. Egbert, you’re a regular romantic aint’cha?”
“Asexual biromantic,” John threw back, just to be a smartass, giving Dave a punch to the arm for good measure.
“Shit man, I was totally in the wrong there,” Dave rolled his eyes, sarcasm dripping from his words, “I might not totally understand your whole thing, but that’s just it—it’s your thing. We’re bros man, we’ve seen some shit. I’m not gonna leave you on your ass because of where your dick may or may not be going. No one deserves to be deprived of the Strider Swag that nonchalantly.”
“Thanks Dave,” John smiled, slinging his arm over the blonde’s shoulder.
“…Although I’d like to see you explain your asexy-whatchamacallit to Karkat. I bet he’d flip his nubs over you ripping the rug out from under his crippled understanding of our ‘fucking ignorant one-rom excuse for romantic coherency.’”
John threw his head back and laughed, Dave chuckling lowly beside him.
“I’ll put him on the list.”