Work Text:
Tasha
- Clint
Tasha
- Clint
Tasssha
- Clint
Clint, if you text me one more time, I am going to hunt you down, cut your arms off, fashion a crude bludgeon and beat you to death with the soggy ends. What do you want?
- Natasha
Im reaaaaaaaally drunkn
- Clint
Thoris here toooo
- Clint
HES SO DRUNK!!!! DID YOU KWOW THATA HE HAS A HELEMT?????? I DIDOT KNOW THAT!!!!!!
- Clint
I’m genuinely thrilled for you. I hope we can continue this conversation sometime. I’ll make a note in my diary. How does never sound for you? It works for me.
- Natasha
NO NO WAIT
- Clint
TASHA
- Clint
TAAAAAASAHAHAAAAAAAA
- Clint
I WANT TO TELE YOUJ ABOUT THORS’ HELEMET!!!!!!!!! JESUSSS
- Clint
ITS FUNY BECAUSEE IT SOUJNDS LIKKE I MEAAN HIS PESNI
- Clint
hahahahahahahaha
- Clint
I am not even joking now, Hawkbreath. Keep texting me and I will kill you. With my face.
- Natasha
yoer no fuuuuun
- Clint
Imgoing to talk to thr
- Clint
laterzzzzzzzzzzz
- Clint
-
You know how you’re like a genius chemist guy?
- Clint
Well, I’d hate to blow my own trumpet, but yes. Carry on.
- Bruce
You don’t happen to have concocted some super hangover remedy, perchance? My head feels like Thor’s been shouting into my ear all night. Probably because he was. That guy’s voice is like a sonic boom, Jesus.
- Clint
I’m afraid that’s not really my remit, sorry. I could offer you a lecture on the relative properties of Barium and Neon?
- Bruce
I’d rather ask Natasha for a massage and face the consequences, but thanks.
- Clint
Rough night, then?
- Bruce
You could say that. Let me put it this way; don’t go out drinking with a Norse god. He will drink you under the table, then under all the chairs, and eventually under the floor itself.
- Clint
Ouch. I could have told you that.
- Bruce
He’s built like a brick shithouse. Stands to reason that he’d hold his liquor well. That’s all I meant. I don’t know, obviously. Never seen him drink. Hardly ever see him, in fact. Very rarely. Not a common occurrence. Special occasions.
- Bruce
Weddings. Family weddings.
- Bruce
Funerals.
- Bruce
I’m going to boil my head in a vat of mercury now.
- Bruce
Me too.
- Clint
-
Tasha?
- Clint
Tasha?
- Clint
Tasha
- Clint
TASHA
- Clint
TAAAAAAAAASHAAAAAAAAA
- Clint
You’re ignoring me.
- Clint
That’s cool.
- Clint
I can totally deal.
- Clint
Talk to me?
- Clint
OK.
- Clint
-
Feel like offering a brother some help?
- Clint
Actually, I constantly thank God that I am an only child. Thor likes the gratitude.
- Tony
You’re a genuine comedian, Iron Douche. Please?
- Clint
Talk!
- Tony
Oh, right. Sorry. Well, it’s about Tasha.
- Clint
I am NOT helping you hide another body. Stark Industries doesn’t need the bad rep right now.
- Tony
Although if you were to maybe stroll past the latest building site on 4th Avenue, no-one would notice if you maybe dug a little hole somewhere, just saying. Didn’t hear it from me.
- Tony
It’s nothing like that! I just… think I’ve annoyed her. That’s all.
- Clint
Oh geeze, you think?
- Tony
What’s that supposed to mean?
- Clint
A leopard can’t change his spots, my little sparrow.
- Tony
I repeat my earlier question!!
- Clint
Look, a leopard suits his spots. Other animals should just learn to deal with it. Or build huge towers and hide from it.
- Tony
Are you saying I’m just an annoying person?
- Clint
Either that, or I’m accusing you of being in desperate need of Clearasil. Only you can work out what I mean, young Padawan.
- Tony
Seriously? That’s your idea of help? ‘Get over it, you’re annoying’? Wow.
- Clint
Well, what do you want me to say? That she’ll forgive you and you’ll kiss and make up and cuddle and paint each other’s toenails pretty shades of pink? Have you MET Natasha?
- Tony
What do I do?
- Clint
Well, you could apologize for being such an annoying little turd. ONE TEXT, Barton. Send her no more.
- Tony
Ah. Bit late for that.
- Clint
Why are you a thing that exists? Just why? How are you a thing that has evolved? DID you evolve?
- Tony
Look, you’ve got the picture. Are you going to help me or not?
- Clint
I think you’re beyond help, my friend. I’d clap you on the shoulder in a manly gesture of empathy, but I might catch ‘annoying’.
- Tony
Dick.
- Clint
-
Does Tony ever annoy you so much that you want to dive headfirst off a 40ft wall?
- Clint
Almost every hour, on the hour. Why?
- Steve
I think I have that effect on people and I don’t know what to do.
- Clint
Aw, hell. You’re not annoying, Clint! You’re just… you.
- Steve
But what IS me? Am I charming, hilarious and witty? Or am I tedious, irritating and so annoying that I make people want to run headfirst into oncoming trains?
- Clint
What’s given you that impression? Have you been talking to Tony? He’s just winding you up. Don’t pay any attention to him.
- Steve
Actually, I’ve sort of been talking to everyone. That’s the problem.
- Clint
Well, I can tell you now that I don’t find you irritating. Except for that one time at my birthday party when you got drunk and climbed onto the rafters and built a nest out of my favorite sweaters and refused to get down because you were going to lay an egg. That was a bit annoying.
- Steve
But that was one time.
- Steve
And you were drunk.
- Steve
Hang on! I sense a pattern emerging here. Steve, you’re actually a hero.
- Clint
I know, I’m Captain America.
- Steve
Not quite what I meant, but congrats. Think of another time I was really annoying.
- Clint
… OK. The ‘office’ Christmas party that Thor’s friend Jane threw for us. You got really drunk and sat in the punch bowl and announced that it was your punch bowl and no-one else could have it, then you jumped out of it and announced that you’d wet yourself and Tasha should take you home.
- Steve
Notice a common factor in these stories?
- Clint
You made a complete tool of yourself?
- Steve
Well, yes, but Steve! Alcohol! Alcohol is clearly my downfall!
- Clint
Actually, you do have a point there. Hadn’t noticed that.
- Steve
You are a lifesaver. If I can prove to Tasha that I’m willing to stop drinking in order to stop pissing her off, she might talk to me again! Steve, you’re a total babe. Go and get Tony to give you a blowjob or something. You deserve it.
- Clint
… thanks?
- Steve
Don’t mention it.
- Clint
I don’t plan to.
- Steve
-
GREETINGS, EYE OF HAWK! WOULD THEE CARE TO ACCOMPANY ME TO AN ALEHOUSE THIS EVE? I THOUGHT WE COULD DISCUSS THE FINER THINGS IN LIFE AND WOMEN’S BOSOMS!
- Thor
Can’t tonight, big guy. Busy starting a new life.
- Clint
WHAT? DID THEY FIND THE BODY?!
- Thor
… just gonna, you know, ignore that. No, just trying a new thing.
- Clint
OH. I SEE.
- Thor
Do you?
- Clint
NO, NOT AT ALL.
- Thor
It’s like this. When I drink, I get drunk, right? And when I’m drunk, I’m annoying. When I’m annoying, people don’t talk to me.
- Clint
SO FAR, I SEE NO INACCURACIES.
- Thor
Well, that’s the thing! If I don’t drink, people will like me!
- Clint
FRIEND CLINT, MAY I BE FRANK?
- Thor
No, you should be Thor.
- Clint
I AM THOR, GOD OF THUNDER.
- Thor
I know. That was… don’t worry. Go ahead. Be Frank, or Dave, or Jim. Just be honest.
- Clint
WELL, IN ASGARD, WE HAVE A SAYING. A MOTTO, IF YOU WILL. IT GOES LIKE THIS; ‘HE WHO CHANGES IN ORDER TO PLEASE ANOTHER IS DOOMED NEVER TO PLEASE HIMSELF. ALSO, HE IS A PANSY’.
- Thor
You have a motto about masturbation? Wow. Asgardians really know how to live it up.
- Clint
I BELIEVE YOU ARE BEING DELIBERATELY OBTUSE.
- Thor
I WOULD LIKE YOU TO KNOW THAT I THINK YOU ARE A NOBLE WARRIOR.
- Thor
YOU ARE NOT A PANSY.
- Thor
OR A FROST GIANT.
- Thor
Thanks, Thor. I know you mean well. I just… I think I have to do this. Just to prove a point. Surely you’ve felt like that before? Like you have to prove yourself?
- Clint
THE LAST TIME I FELT SUCH A WAY, I ALMOST DESTROYED THREE REALMS, NEARLY KILLED MY DEAR FATHER, LOST MY DEAR BROTHER AND WORE CLOTHES THAT WERE TOO SMALL.
- Thor
Well then. I can only hope for similar results.
- Clint
-
Tasha, are you still not talking to me? It’s been two weeks. I haven’t drunk-texted you once. Please, just let me know you’re OK?
- Clint
-
Thor dragged me to H+M today to buy a new purple shirt for Bruce. You know how Bruce gets through shirts! Anyway, I walked into a mannequin and apologized. It had a red wig on. Reminded me of you a bit, but if I walked into you, I probably wouldn’t have walked away. Not with both legs, anyway. Hope you’re doing all right!
- Clint
-
Steve is listening to Coldplay. Send help.
- Clint
-
What’s ‘no, I do not want to sleep with you, go and shave your moustache’ in Russian?
- Clint
Never mind, I just got Thor to punch her instead.
- Clint
Hope you’re all right.
- Clint
-
It’s been a month. We’re all starting to worry. This isn’t about me at all, is it?
- Clint
-
Please, Tasha. Get in touch with one of us. We just want to know you’re still respiring.
- Clint
-
I’m alive.
- Natasha
Oh, that’s a great text! Six weeks, and that’s all I get?
- Clint
Is that it?
- Clint
Really? You’re doing this again?
- Clint
There was a job. It didn’t go so well.
- Natasha
Shit. Sorry. Are you OK?
- Clint
Of course.
- Natasha
Well, that’s good.
- Clint
Are you coming home soon?
- Clint
Back. I meant back. Are you coming back?
- Clint
Yes. Soon.
- Natasha
OK. Good.
- Clint
I talked to Thor.
- Natasha
Ah. Never a good idea. You should ignore everything he said, especially about the merits of shoulder pads.
- Clint
He said you thought I didn’t like you. Is that true?
- Natasha
I feel like a 13 year old girl.
- Clint
Barton.
- Natasha
OK! Yes. Yes, OK? I feel like I annoy you 70% of the time, and the other 30% of the time, I piss you off.
- Clint
You’re definitely the most annoying person I’ve ever had the misfortune to meet, yes.
- Natasha
OK. Wow.
- Clint
But that doesn’t mean I don’t like you, you moron.
- Natasha
It doesn’t?
- Clint
Why do you think I still respond to your texts? When I’m not in Japan being blown up by Buddhist terrorists, anyway.
- Natasha
Humoring me?
- Clint
Not even slightly, you idiot.
- Natasha
Oh. OK.
- Clint
So. When will you be back?
- Clint
ETA 3 minutes.
- Natasha
3 what
- Clint
I thought you could read?
- Natasha
So did I, but clearly not, because I thought that said ‘3 minutes’.
- Clint
2 minutes now.
- Natasha
I want you in your archery uniform by the time I get back. Leave the door unlocked. I can’t be bothered to pick the lock. I know where your bedroom is.
- Natasha
I don’t
- Clint
Um
- Clint
OK
- Clint
1 minute.
- Natasha
-
To : Tony Stark, Steve Rogers, Bruce Banner, Donald Blake (Thor Odinson)
From : Clint Barton
Subject : HAHAHAHAHA
YOUR ADVICE? IT ALL SUCKED, BUT NOT AS HARD AS TASHA DOES
I TOTALLY GOT LAID
AND IT WAS AWESOME
WHO’S ANNOYING NOW, BITCHES??
To : Clint Barton
From : Tony Stark
Subject : Re: HAHAHAHAHA
Still you, tiger. If Natasha finds out you sent this e-mail, you are going to be dead. The murder weapon will probably be her little finger. Good luck.
To : Clint Barton
From : Steve Rogers
Subject : Re: HAHAHAHAHA
I’m genuinely happy that your relationship with Natasha is going from strength to strength. However, please stop e-mailing me with discussions about your sex life as the e-mails come through directly to my phone and reading them in public often causes me some discomfort. Thanks.
To : Clint Barton
From : Bruce Banner
Subject : Re: HAHAHAHAHA
Aw, man! Congratulations. Seriously. Thought I was going to have to whip up some sort of aphrodisiac for you two. Already started it, as a matter of fact. Darn, looks like I’m going to have to find another use for it. Where is that Asgardian hunk…
Just kidding. Happy for you. Now you can stop texting me like a sissy schoolgirl!
To : Clint Barton
From : Donald Blake (Thor Odinson)
Subject : Re: HAHAHAHAHA
I AM HEARTILY PLEASED TO HEAR OF THIS! CELEBRATORY ALE? TONIGHT?
To : Donald Blake (Thor Odinson)
From : Clint Barton
Subject : Re: Re: HAHAHAHAHA
Heck yes!!