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If Only You Knew

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Howard couldn't understand what happened to his sweet Bernadette. She used to be so nice. But that was before they got married. What happened to her? is what he had been thinking lately; whenever they would get into arguments, which they've been having a lot of recently. She just berates him now about any and everything. The things that she used to find cute about him like his silly jokes that he told repeatedly, his fascination with doing magic tricks or even the way that he spends so much time with his friends especially his close relationship with Raj in-particular; she now finds these things about him so annoying. Howard thought that she was his equal but she wasn't treating him like an adult, instead she would act like he was her son and she was his mother and Howard was getting sick of it.

Because this was not the type of relationship that he signed up for.

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"Didn't i ask you to wash my underclothes while i went to work?" Bernadette confronted Howard with this question not long after she got home from work and saw that he was still sitting in the same spot that he was in when she left playing video games in his drawers.

"Actually you didn't ask me, you told me to do a load of your clothes." Howard answered her back sarcastically as he looked at her and smirked from his place on the couch.

"I don't know why you're smirking because i don't find this amusing at all." Bernadette responded.

"Well maybe if you would stop being so pissy lately you could find the humor in what i said." Howard replied as he flashed her another smile. This caused Bernadette to go from 0 to 100 pretty quickly so she unplugged his game system and left the living room leaving Howard upset.

"How's that for pissy?" She exclaimed as she retreated to their bedroom to gather up her own clothes to wash since Howard didn't do them earlier.

"Why did you do that?" Howard angrily asked her as he walked into their bedroom after her.

"Because i felt like it." Was Bernadette's only reply as she answered him with her back turned to him.

"Do you care that i didn't even save my game?" Howard responded.

"Nope." Said Bernadette with her back still facing him as she rounded up her clothes.

"Well that was really uncalled for." Howard replied.

At this comment, Bernadette turned around and said "Well if you could have just done a load of my clothes then i would have never did it."

"If you would have asked nicely in the first place then i would've washed them." Howard told her with his hands on his hips and he didn't care how feminine that made him look.

Bernadette furrowed her brows at this and said "Asked nicely; you know that i've been working double shifts all week the least that you could have done is wash a couple loads of clothes even without me asking you."

Howard conceded at this because he did know how hard she had been working lately so they could save up enough money to get out of their apartment and buy a house so he replied "Look, honey i'm sorry i know how hard you've been working lately but that doesn't mean that you have to be so short and snappy with me all the time." as he tried to give a sympathetic facial expression.

"But you should understand that i'm only acting this way because i am stressed and under so much pressure at work." Bernadette responded.

That's a good point Howard thought but at the same time he had a good point his self so he said "I could understand that but you could also try your hardest to leave that tension at work when you leave from their." Howard then smiled.

Bernadette rolled her eyes. "Howard this isn't funny, i'm really tired of how inconsiderate and lazy you are around here." She replied and started to leave their bedroom with her basket of dirty clothes to take to the washing area and added "I do everything around here, you don't do anything unless i ask or tell you to do it; you don't take the initiative."

But before she could walk out of their bedroom Howard stopped her with a hand on her arm and said "Wait a minute, i don't do anything around here on my own what about me washing the dishes last night."

Bernadette took a step back from him and gave him a look like did you really just say that. "Wow really Howard that's one thing." She retorted.

And this got Howard really mad because he does other things around their place but she never acknowledges them. "You know what, i'm tired of this; you're always acting like you're so perfect and your not." Howard expressed.

"I'm as close to perfect as you will ever get." Bernadette said giving Howard a look that read and you know that you could never find another girl better.

"I'm out of here." Howard told her as he went towards his side of the closet to get dressed since he was still in his underwear. He knew exactly who to run to whenever they got into fights like this.

Bernadette even knew where he was going.

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Raj has always been there for Howard since the day that they became friends. And their friendship has only gotten stronger through the years and through Howard's relationship with Bernadette. Though Raj did like Bernadette since the first time that Howard brought her around the gang he just didn't think that Bernadette was the right one for Howard because he always felt that he and Howard should be together. They complemented each other so well unlike Howard and Bernadette.

See the thing with Raj is that he always thought that he could only be attracted to girls until he met Howard and got to know him. Within a year of knowing Howard he just felt so close to him and that was a huge thing for Raj because when he first came to America from India he had a hard time finding people who got him and liked him for the person that he was. At this point they have been friends for like nine years and Howard and Bernadette have been married for almost three years. So that's about eight years of Raj listening to Howard talk about girls, seeing him with girls and the last couple of years with Bernadette though Howard's game has never been that good a few girls had fallen for him over these years more than the amount that has fallen for Raj.

Nothing romantic, gay or intimate had ever happened between them except for that one time they kissed by mistake. But since then nothing on purpose had ever happened between them and even though Raj had acted like he was disgusted by it just like Howard; Raj secretly enjoyed it but since it happened he has kept that to his self.

When Howard showed up at his doorstep Raj opened the door and saw the look in his eyes and knew why Howard came to him so he just wrapped him up in his arms and squeezed him tight.

"So tell me what happened." Raj said once they were sitting on his couch eating some take out that they ordered while watching some new movie that was inspired from one of those comic books that they like to read.

"Just the norm really." Howard replied as he took a break from chewing.

"Do you mean that Bernadette was making you feel like you weren't good enough for her or like less of a man?" Raj asked him.

"Yeah." Howard answered him solemnly. Then he sat his food container down on Raj's living room table. He then preceded to recline back into Raj's couch cushions as he exhaled and closed his eyes trying to release some tension off of his mind and body.

Raj hated seeing his best friend like this. He scooted a little bit closer to him even though they were already sitting pretty close to each other as is and put a arm around Howard's shoulders causing him to open his eyes and look into Raj's as he expressed to him how much he hated seeing him be so unhappy in his relationship.

After Raj expressed this they continued to stare into each others eyes until Raj felt like maybe this was his chance to let Howard know how much he wanted him with his actions not words so he leaned in real close to Howard's face and just gave him a little peck on the lips just to see how he would react before trying to delve in too deep right away.

At first Howard looked puzzled by the action but he didn't look angered or disgusted by it so Raj kissed him again but this time it was more firm and for a bit longer. Next thing Raj knew he was on his back with Howard on top of him between his thighs kissing him back and it just felt so good. Raj couldn't believe that it was finally happening or the fact that Howard was reciprocating his feelings. Even though he knew that it was wrong because Howard was in a relationship plus married to a person that he has come to consider a good friend; he just couldn't give it up.

Besides Howard was his first.

Though neither of them identified as gay or even bisexual over the course of their lives they both felt this attraction and connection to each other.

It got hot and heavy really quick.

All of a sudden they were both naked and writhing around on Raj's couch. "Do you have condoms?" Howard damn near whispered because he was kinda out of breath from all of the making out and tearing each others clothes off they were just doing.

"We don't need one." Raj answered back in the same manner of speech that Howard asked him his question as he pulled Howard back down on top of him.

Right before Howard penetrated him; Raj said "I love you Howard." And that was how it all began.

 

Chapter Text

So it's been about five weeks since Raj and Howard had sex. And Howard and Bernadette are doing a little better.

Let's just put it like this he hasn't ran to Raj since their last big fight.

They're over Sheldon and Leonard's apartment for another Friday night after long weeks at work. Even though they all work together in the same building; hell Sheldon and Raj share a office. They eat lunch there together everyday. They still like to have fun together outside of being at work together.

Raj was still on cloud nine about what happened between him and Howard minus some stomach bug he was suffering from. Howard on the other hand still felt all kinds of mixed emotions about what happened between them; like did this mean that he was bi or gay? Was Raj bi or gay? He felt extremely guilty for cheating on Bernadette. Had what transpired between him and Raj been a long time coming. Do i love Raj the way that he clearly loves me? He thought. He also wondered what was going through Raj's head about them.

And as they sat playing some new video game that Sheldon insisted and demanded they play, Howard kept stealing glances at Raj when he was sure that he wouldn't be caught and Raj was looking as guilt ridden as he felt. He hadn't told Bernadette about it and he didn't plan to either but he had to do something. He didn't know how much longer he could keep it a secret; this was killing him. But little does Howard know Raj doesn't feel nearly as bad as he feels about the sex that they had but instead has become sick from it. Little does Raj even know that the reason he has not been able to hold any food down lately is because he's pregnant with Howard's baby.

Flashback

The day after they had sex, Raj was at work with this big grin on his face that he brought to the table with the guys at lunch while Howard had this spaced out look on his face like he didn't know what he should feel about Raj from now on and what they did together.

The night before, after Howard ejaculated inside of Raj's body then pulled out; they laid on Raj's couch for a little while until Howard came to the realization of what he had just done.

He cheated on Bernadette.

And not just cheated on her with anyone either.

He cheated on her with a man.

And not just any man but his best male friend Raj.

All of a sudden he broke out of Raj's embrace muttering a bunch of oh my god's, oh my god's, what have i done's? while he put on his clothes. Raj sat up feeling a bit of Howard's cum drip out of his butt hole as he did and looked on as Howard got dressed and asked "Where are you going"? Howard looked at him like he was crazy for asking that question and answered him with "Where do you think i'm going? I gotta go home to my wife". Raj looked slapped how could Howard just get up and leave after what just happened. "What about us"? Raj asked because he just had to know where Howard stood about their relationship from this moment on. He knew that Howard was straight; hell he was straight but now they were two straight men that just had sex with each other. It had to had mean something. Right? he thought. Well at least it did to him. It meant everything to him, he's felt some type of way for Howard for a long time at this point and after what just went down he would not give up on them being together. Howard sighed as he finished tying up his shoes and then stood up to his full height to face Raj and say that " I won't pretend that i don't have more than friendly feelings for you Raj, hence what just happened but i'm married and you know that". He replied as nicely as he could.

By this time Raj had at least put his underwear back on.

"I know that you're married and i like Bernadette; i do, i mean she's been around for a few years and she fits in with our gang but i've been wanting that to happen for a very long time now". Raj expressed to Howard from his seat on the couch.

Howard was stunned at what just came out of Raj's mouth. He would be lying if he was to say that he didn't know that Raj might have had a bit of a crush on him. He just never breached the subject preferring to brush it off as Raj just being an affectionate type of guy but Raj did tend to be more touchy feely with him then he was with their other male friends or female ones.

He sat down next to Raj on the couch and looked him dead in the eyes and asked "Are you serious"?

Raj nodded with a smile and said "Yeah" as he scooted real close to Howard to rub his hand on his thigh and put one of the most gentle kisses Howard had ever experienced to his lips. Howard accepted the kiss then released a breath of relief and said "Damn that felt good". Raj giggled at that.

"I won't deny that the sex was good but i don't know where we're supposed to go from here". Howard told Raj. Raj just said "Why don't you just go home to your wife for tonight and we can talk about us some other time, ok". Howard said "Okay".

And with one last kiss they parted for the night.

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Present

They still have yet to figure out what to do about this mess that they have made. Neither of them regret what happened because it felt so good but they both did wish that they realized something like this would happen between them before Howard got married.

But then again they wouldn't have been able to know that because they're not psychics.

As they played their video game Raj out of nowhere puked all over Sheldon and Leonard's coffee table.

"Aaahhh" Howard, Sheldon and Leonard exclaimed as they jumped up from their seated positions.

"Oh lord, oh lord we're gonna have to get a new table" Sheldon cried. "Sheldon shut up, no we won't i'll clean it thoroughly" Leonard replied as he went to go get cleaning supplies out of their bathroom.

Raj expressed sorry's as he stood in the kitchen wiping his mouth with a wet paper towel. But that wasn't the last of the vomit and Raj knew it, his stomach was on the warpath in the last few days and he didn't know why. He had already decided earlier today that if this stomach flu thing continued for another day then he would have to make a doctor's appointment.

Raj felt more coming up so he ran to their bathroom and fell straight to his knees at the toilet bowl. Leonard was about to follow him and make sure that he was okay even though he was busy cleaning up the vomit in the living room on the table but Howard told him that he would check on their friend. Sheldon just stood in the living room by his spot on the couch and looked on with disgust as Leonard did all the "heavy lifting".

"Hey, you ok"? Howard asked as he rubbed Raj's back in the bathroom. "Yeah ... Raj mumbled as he wiped his mouth with one of his hands... i just have the flu or something" he finished.

Little do they both know but Raj is pregnant and they will realize that what they did will have huge repercussions and eventually it will have to come out to all of their friends and Bernadette.

 

 

 

Chapter Text

As Raj sat in the waiting room of his clinic The Pasadena Clinic he just couldn't stop fretting over what could be wrong with him. At this point its been like two straight weeks of feeling nauseous at the drop of a hat, feeling very zap of his energy even after a full night of sleep so he would end up taking unplanned naps throughout the middle of his days and waking up like why was i so sleppy, and not to mention the nausea turning to actual vomit.

This has been going on long enough.

He really needed to know what was wrong.

Two weeks had been more than enough suffering of this.

He was hoping that the doctor would tell him that he just had a terrible stomach flu.

He paused his fretting to look around the waiting room and realized that the room was about packed now *when did that happen?* he thought. When he arrived like 2 hours ago there was only five people waiting now there was almost 30 people waiting.

*They better be calling my name next* he thought.

"Rajesh Koothrappali" that was the nurse calling his name.

Finally.

After the preliminary examinations like the recording of his height and weight, taking his temperature and blood pressure/heart rate plus questions about symptoms he was feeling, his doctor Dr. O'Kourey stepped in to examine him.

"Hey Rajesh, so what's going on with you?" Dr. O'Kourey said as he entered the room and started typing in notes on the computer.

"Hey Dr. O' Kourey, well i haven't been feeling so good for the past couple of weeks." Raj replied sounding very tired.

"Rajesh have you been getting enough rest lately?" The doctor asked. Raj nodded his head and answered "I've been sleeping a lot lately actually, more than usual." As the doctor checked his vitals and used his stethoscope on him.

Raj's stomach must've sounded bad through the stethoscope because after checking over Raj's belly with it the doctor told Raj to lay back and lift his shirt up and started pressing around Raj's stomach with his hands while asking him did he feel any pain in the areas where he applied pressure.

Raj told him that he didn't feel any pain but that his stomach was sore from all the vomiting.

Next thing Raj knew one of the nurses was rolling a sonogram machine into the room which was weird to him because *only women needed sonogram examinations right* he thought before Dr. O'Kourey  was rubbing gel on his belly and gliding an instrument over it.

As Raj looked at the sonogram machine screen trying to decipher the images on it his doctor casually says "Hm just what i thought you're pregnant." Just like it was normal or something for a man to be pregnant.

"Pregnant, what do you mean i'm pregnant, men can't get pregnant, how is this possible?" Raj shrieked out these words in succession; completely stunned by the news.

"How far along am i?" he asked after he calmed down. "You're about 7 weeks pregnant." his doctor replied. And Raj knew that long ago was when he and Howard had sex. *I'm pregnant with Howard's baby* he thought.

Before Raj left the clinic his doctor explained to him that he was part of the 5 percent of men out there who are born with an extra x chromosome which is the cause of him being able to get pregnant. He was sent home with some pamphlets about his condition and a prescription for prenatal vitamins.

All this made Raj's head spin, why hadn't he known about his condition his whole life, were his parents told this when he was born.

Of course he went straight to bed when he got home after hearing that stuff.

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When Raj woke up he called Howard and asked him to come over under the pretense of just having a bro night.

Howard showed up like a half hour later.

When Raj opened the door for him Howard could tell that he'd been crying.

"What's wrong buddy?" Howard asked as they sat close to each other on Raj's sofa.

"I went to the do-c-t-or today and i, i f-o-un-d out th-at ... (Raj was stuttering and hiccuping through his response because he started sobbing so hard as he was trying to catch his breath).

"It's okay just slow down buddy, breathe, you went to the doctor and found out that..." Howard said as he rubbed on Raj's back.

"I'm pregnant" Raj whispered to finish his sentence as he looked Howard right in the eyes.

"What?" Howard replied looking dumbfounded.

"Howard i'm pregnant" Raj said a little louder and clearer.

By this point Howard has stopped rubbing Raj's back. "Raj you're a man; men can't get pregnant" Howard stated the obvious or so he thought that he was at least saying what he has known to be true all of his life.

Men aren't capable of getting pregnant.

"I didn't think so either until today when i went to the clinic for my stomach problems and my doctor told me that i was pregnant, apparently i was born with two x chromosomes instead of just one which leaves me able to get pregnant" Raj responded.

Howard's mind was then filled with memories of the night they had sex and how they didn't use a condom. "Is it mine?" Howard knew he had to ask.

Raj nodded.

"How far along are you?" Howard asked as calmly as he could muster in this weird situation.

"Almost seven weeks" Raj answered through sniffles as he tried to hold back his tears.

"Hey come here, (Howard said as he reached out a arm to hold Raj in to comfort him and let him know that he wasn't mad about the circumstances; shit he was partly to blame for them) it'll be okay, i'm here for you, have you um... decided if you want to keep it?" Howard asked as he held Raj close to him.

"I wanna keep it, i don't think that i could go through with an abortion" Raj answered.

*He's taking this really well* Raj thought.

"Shouldn't you be freaking out, why are you so calm?" Raj asked as he looked up into Howard's eyes from his position nestled into his side.

"Aye i'm freaking out on the inside trust me but i have always wanted to be a dad" Howard replied then he kissed Raj on the lips.

Raj was surprised by this. "What'd you do that for?" Raj asked Howard.

"Because i wanted to" was Howard's simple reply then he smiled at Raj.

Raj then initiated a kiss of his own and said "I love you".

"I love you too" Howard for the first time said it back.

And most importantly he really meant it.

This time that they undressed each other they didn't have sex they made love; it wasn't rushed, aggressive and passionate like last time, they took their time to caress and kiss every inch of each others bodies plus they took it slow so it was very sensual.

Since Raj was already pregnant they chose to forgo the condom once again.

"I have to tell berni" Howard said once they finished making love as he was cuddled in Raj's arms.