If Dave Strider can do anything, he can surf the internet.
He can surf that shit like that penguin in that chill-ass movie from what was it 2008 yeah that was it with the awesome orange penguin sideburns and this Dave knows that other Dave is jealous of his awesome orange bird-dude sideburns they are so fucking soft it isn't even funny, it's like a funeral for your dead dog that you've had for 7 years that is how not funny that shit is.
Speaking of dogs. That's why Dave is riding the smooth waves of the interwebs today. He's got himself a bitch that- wait fuck no he can't call her that she'd probably claw at him or something she wouldn't understand the irony oh god his heart is beating a little fast now oh god oh god oh god- He's got a GIRL who is part pup and he thinks yeah what wouldn't be romantic about maybe learning a bit about what that means for her yeah Dave is so fucking smooth with cultural sensitivity he could be a goddamn U.N. Diplomat.
Except that he's a fucking bird.
“The most immediate concern of new dog owners is that of housebreaking the pet. In order to accomplish this task, the essential principle that the owner must recognize is that it is always the desire of the dog to please its master. Nothing can give the dog greater pleasure than to know that its actions have met with approval; nothing can cause the dog greater displeasure than to know that its behavior has called forth disapproval.
When the dog performs its functions properly, it should be rewarded by a profusion of endearing words, by petting, or even with a tidbit. When the dog performs its functions improperly, it should be grasped by the scruff of the neck, told briskly and in no uncertain terms that it has done the wrong thing, shown what it has done, and then put back on its paper. The animal also may be slapped over the haunches with a piece of folded newspaper; this will cause the animal no pain, but will make a loud and impressive noise.”
Dave Strider is a strong man. He stares into the oppressive length of the yellow yard and the yellow yard caws first.
But he's not exactly sure how to pull this off.
How exactly has he been missing these cues all along? Every time Jade goes to use the little furrygirl's room he just lets her walk by without any praise or without smacking her on the “haunches” whatever that fucking means. How badly must her ego be damaged already? This is a hard mistake to make up for, indeed. It's going to take some severe cooing and coddling to let Jade know to the very soles of her feet -or does she have paws Dave doesn't really know she wears those sparkly-ass shoes a lot ok- that she is appreciated.
Good dog. Best girlfriend.
Dave sees his first chance to show his cultural sensitivity during the GhostbusterX2000 Marathon that night. Night as in, about 12 hours after he last decided to close his eyes. Firebird is the daybringer, motherfuckers.
GhostbusterX2000 Marathons run a little like this: Dave, and an army of crocodiles take over one wing of the ship playing the Ghostbuster MMO. Meanwhile Jade and John stream the two movies on the other side, audio at full blast, while chasing around Jaspersprite like a bunch of fucking idiots to pantomime chasing a ghost or something. Dave decides that Jade being able to display her canine side like this without proper representation and appreciation of her dog culture is brave as hell and feels a little teary watching it. His avatar dies. Fuck.
As he's regenerating at home base, Jade suddenly stops her fursuit he means pursuit. She wipes her brow and stretches a little, turning away from where Jasper is still floating around, taunting her. Ugh. Scummy cat.
“John- I have to go to the bathroom, could you pause the movie?” OH SHIT
“Yeah sure! Lemme find the remote-” AW FUCK
“It's right over here...” THIS IS HAPPENING
“Oh! Thanks. Yeah got it.” WE ARE MAKING THIS HAPPEN.
“Jade hey wait a moment I gotta lay an egg on you.” Except Dave totally said something cooler like “lay something on you.”
“Uhm Dave I really have to go-” She looked fucking adorable, standing there pretending she didn't need affirmation to go piss what an angel Dave thought no Dave didn't THINK Dave KNEW.
“Jade I need you to answer a question for me alright.” He has sprite-floated his way over to the prospitian side of the ship, and was looking straight at her. Jade pulled her eyebrows together and nodded.
“Jade where are you pissing on this ship.”
“Dave what.” He sighed, placing his hands on Jade's shoulders and attempting to make eye contact through his shades.
“I know this can be difficult for you to answer but I need to know if you're... going to the proper places, Jade. Shit this is confusing for me too ok?”
“Dave! I. I'm going to the bathroom! The one downstairs? It's next to the one that John uses? What are you trying to sa-” She was getting flustered now, her face turning red. Dave felt his heart grow warm.
“God, I'm so proud of you. Good girl. Gooood girl. I just had to make sure, I'd never asked before. You're such a smart girl, so good.” Dave started to brush his hand through Jade's hair, petting softly. “I can't believe you taught yourself to be housebroken.”
There was only an indignant gasp and a snap before Dave lost consciousness.
Dave Strider wakes up seeing double. Or triple. Or like a lot-le. The point is he just sees lines upon vertical lines around him, and it's kind of goddamn disorienting. Where is his usual alarm, that chill crocodile that takes it upon himself to gather his feathers when he's molting? He misses that guy right now, with all these lines. Where the shit is he?
He rubs his eyes and realizes that they are metal. Metal... bars. What the hell. Pushing himself up, his hand touches a soft, cushion-y substrate. Suddenly, he feels sleepy again. What is that? Like... It's cut up newspaper, but it feels so good. Damn.
Looking over into the corner, something catches his eye. Attached to the metal bars that surround him is a mirror. Dave Strider is looking fucking fine, if he can say so himself. He wastes a few minutes or maybe half an hour checking himself out in it and fluttering his wings around before he remembers that he doesn't know where he is.
Looking out of the bars, he sees familiar patterns and furniture- but it all looks kind of wrong. Kind of... big? No, it's definitely the deck of the ship, he decides, just off of a long line of computers...
He's in a cage.
Dave Strider is in a cage on the floor of the ship deck.
He's also really fucking tiny.
Sometimes Jade is a bitch.
"Bird cages should be placed in a draft free area that is well lit, but not in direct sunlight.
To make your birds feel secure and comfortable keep their cage against a wall or in a corner.
Place your bird's cage so that it is at eye-level or lower for good social interaction. You don't want your bird above your head because for them, being up higher means they are dominant."