Chapter 1: Be The Grape Jelly Covered Toddler
It all began when Gamzee met a crying, and bruised Karkat in a sandbox when they were five and had been together ever since.
Walking towards the park sandbox with a small plastic bucket, and your puppet named Cal inside, you see him. One of the cutest little 'truckers' you've ever seen, sniffling in the sandbox, trying not to cry. You aren't really sure what calling someone a trucker means, but your dad has called almost everybody it, including yourself, so you do too. He sees you coming and attempts to hide himself by twisting his head away, only managing to get more sand into his poofy hair. As you throw your chubby little leg over the box wall to climb inside, he stares at you with pretty brownish-red eyes, you think he was trying to glare at you.
Instead of leaving him alone and giving him space, like most kids your age, you simply smile, and wrap your arms around him, making sure Cal gets in on all the trucking love. You make sure you throw his limpy arms around him too. His arms flail at first, he begins to scream and tries to push you away. But you're stronger and you can tell he really doesn't want you to go, because he needs a hug, the best kind of magic there is. You start to shoosh him, and you pat his sandy hair down to calm him, eventually he starts mumbling about you being some 'weird and strange butt that will probably kidnap him the second he closes his eyes' but he eventually hugs back. You ask his name when you feel him give a final hiccup and sigh around you.
" 'm Karkat."
You smile, and your clown face paint chips off a little.
"Gamzee. And now you're my momma trucking friend."
You have a little difficulty saying that because you're smiling too wide, but you figure he understood when he bobs his head up and down, getting sand everywhere. Today is a day of momma trucking miracles and magic, and you just hope you can get one of those little microwavable pies for free at the gas station for you and your new bro. Today was the first day you made a friend by yourself.
Chapter 2: Be The Same Grape Jelly Covered Toddler But Older
Karkat woke up, expecting to have a great day, not to be thrusted into the world alone again. And his deodarant gets stolen. Gamzee isn't sure how to handle the deodarant thing, his bro gets pretty musty at times.
I apologize for this entire thing
I wrote it in one go at 1 in the morning. Nope that's not even a valid excuse. Argh
You look at Karkat's back as he struggles to pull his jeans over his butt. You're hanging upside down on his shabby excuse for a bed. Apparently he didn't hear you, so you call him again.
"Motherfucking best bro."
"Fucking mother best. Best fucking mother. Mother best fucking." You honked as a worn shoe hits you head.
"Do you even know what you're even saying anymore asshole? Oh wait, you never knew to begin with. What is it, Gamzee? " You let a lazy smile paint your face as you watch your best friend turn to face you with a scowl. Using your hands for emphasis you tell him about the genius idea you just had.
"Pie. You should all up and get a fucking pie for the little blind chica." Karkat groans and sighs before turning around to do some wondrous thing worthy of your bro's attention.
"Gamzee, that 'blind chica' is my GIRLFRIEND for fucks sake, and don't call her blind. That's fucking offensive." You reply with a honk and he groans more.
"Dude, you just need to chill out. All those blasphemous groans are going to burn a hole through your sad little thinking pan. Enjoy the beautiful rays of life. All your motherfuckin' brain buddies are all goin' 'AH! Help us Gamzee! We're all motherfucking tired and need some of those bites of Heaven from some beautiful shit called pie with miracoulus apple filling!'" Apparently pie wasn't the answer to getting your buddy to put a smile on his face.
"Gamzee, if I buy you some of that sugary shit you love so much while I'm out with Terezi, will you stick around? She would really like to meet the douche rag I consider my best friend." He crosses his arms and you roll off the bed. He watches your drunken looking stumble over to him and you place an arm over his stressed shoulders. You know how happy it'd make him, but you can't. So you throw him a sympathetic smile and let a barely audible honk slip from grey painted lips. He nodded and lightly punched your stomach before knocking your arm off. You remembered why you couldn't 'show' yourself to your amigo's best girl before you let yourself become sad. Most of it was because you were scared. You just want Karkat to be happy and right now, meeting Terezi would probably mess things up for him right now. You love him and would rather have him be sulky than heartbroken.
You follow him faithfully down the stairs, trying to mock his ninja styled stealthiness. Pieces of the flaking puke green wallpaper, that you think might be concealing maggots and such, float down and attach themselves to Karkat's black sweater. As the stairs creak under his weight, you're thankful that even though it's not that cold outside today, it's still Autumn and that is a valid excuse for him to wear sweaters. It was always somewhat amusing to see the weird glances he gets for wearing dark colored, long sleeved sweaters in the Summer. You hope, as you come to the bottom of the stair case, that 'Mr.Vantas', the name even his son calls him by, is asleep, or out, just anything but drunk. Dealing with verbal cut downs was hard, but a lot more explainable than having a black eye because the fucker couldn't practice a little abstinence. You know the problem is a lot deeper than that, but it just seems more unjustifiable when you don't adress the real reason. You're both still kids, you're allowed to be a little immature at times. Or at least that's what someone said at school. You don't really pay attention at school, but Karkat does, and he's pretty good at whatever he does. You think, well, when he yells at you for being useless in school, he makes it sound like he's really great at it. And you don't doubt your bro for one milli-fucking-second. Oh, you got off track again, you do that a lot. Anyway a swollen eye was going to be hard for your little buddy to explain to his justice loving, not blind, chica who was just a girlfriend without any knowledge of his situation. Yeah, that'd be a lot worse.
Luckily for the both of you, he's not around, so as you watch Karkat flicked his apartment door off, you chuckle a bit. You keep trying to tell him that releasing all that bad energy towards his innocent door is going to karma-ize and come back to bite him in his rainbow colored ass. After that he usually flicked you off before stalking off, mumbling about how his ass was not colorful. He rolls his eyes at your sounds of merriment and leads you outside the anti-health death trap he calls an apartment building, but he agrees with you, it's a horrible place to live.
The scent of a sweet smoke fills your noses as you both walk past some weird guy that suspiciously had his face covered, wearing a plain blue hoodie. Karkat doesn't seem to notice him, or if he does, doesn't care, but you do. There's something you don't like about him, you don't know why, but something about him makes you nervous. You don't like being nervous, or the overly sweet smelling cigarette smoker. You hope Karkat never gets the chance to talk to him.
After a few blocks of silent walking, because bus fare is 'too fucking much when it's only a thirty minute walk,' you drop your pace like usual. You spot the righteous chica, that isn't blind whatsoever, sitting on the park bench, swatting at what you assume must have been a flock a birds before she pulled out the cane.
"Terezi!" Karkat runs to her as you slip behind the wall of an old, abandoned store, far enough out of sight, but close enough to make sure everything would be alright. You're fully content watching your buddy smile at the 'girl of my fucking dreams with an even better ass.'
Karkat often comments that what you do is creepy, but you never really reply to that. You only want his 612% happiness. You say that because his birthday is June twelfth and birthdays are miracles that should be used as a symbol of absolute happiness. Or something like that. You've got to stop getting off track like that. Point is, if you could, you would kill anyone that hurt your crabby friend because he is your world.
Throughout the whole ten minutes or so you've been here, Karkat kept searching for you, like the caring person he is. Though the little, not blind, chica didn't seem to agree on your thoughts.
"Karkat, are you okay?" Karkat stops looking for you after he sees you wave.
"Uh, yeah, sorry. What were you saying?" She sighs and moves her hand from his. They're still sitting on the same park bench from before, which means there's probably going to be what Karkat calls 'a shitty talk.'
"I said, I don't think... this is going to work anymore." Karkat visibly jumps as he throws his full attention at her. You wish so badly you could do something, but you can't and being useless is pissing you off.
"Wait. You're not talking about the super cheap dates are you? She lets out a strained laugh at his attempt to get off subject. She tilts her head in your direction. That seems extremely stupid to you, as she can't see his heart broken face in the first fucking place.
"No, Kark, Karkat. I mean us."
His voice is strained as he mangaes to croak out a 'why.'
"You, you don't even pay attention to me anymore. You're always daydreaming or distracted by something. At first I thought it was cute, but now, it's...frustrating. We can't even hold a ten minute conversation anymore without you spacing out and when we do it's always awkward and weird! It's...hard. It's hurting me. I can't even have a normal conversation with my so called 'boyfriend' without me having to repeat everything I say every five minutes. It feels like you aren't even in this relationship anymore! Like we're just in the same place at the same time, all the time! And I'm tired of it Karkat!" She inhales before finishing.
"And all the conversations we manage to have are online and even then all we do is argue with each other! I don't like hearing this grey sounding, monotone computer voice lifelessly yelling at me! I, I need attention, Karkat, and... you aren't giving me that. And I'm not sure you ever did."
You notice Karkat's face is filled with anger but you know on the inside he's miserable.
"So when you called saying we needed to meet it wasn't to say some cheesy shit like you love me, huh?" The bitch laughed. Fucking laughed.
"Karkat, I DO love you, just more as a..."
"Yeah...a friend, a really good friend. But, I don't think we should have ever started dating in the first place, we're just not...compatible."
"So you're saying you regret EVERYTHING?! Am I that fucking PITIABLE that you've only stayed this long because you felt SORRY for me?! That I'm such a social FUCK UP you knew no one else would take the time to even look at my hideous mug?!" She hit Karkat in the head with her cane and sighed, you wanted to bust her skull open.
"No! I never even said anything like that! I just said that because after this it's not going to go back to the way we were before. See...this...you can't even be mature enough to handle this without going back to downgrading yourself to try to win people over. Doing that is not going to get people to like you, it's a sad tactic. Karkat, that's not always going to work for you! Grow up!"
"I AM a failure, Terezi! I'm not trying to 'win' anybody over! I'm telling the DAMNED TRUTH when I say I'm a fucked up person! I can't even hold on to the one person I love, and thought cared for me back!
Karkat had been standing up now, glaring into eyes that couldn't see his miserableness. Terezi's face was turned towards you and you could see tears running down her face. Like she had something to be sad about. She sighed again.
"I DO care for you! Just not in the way you want me to! I already SAID that! You are making this into a bigger deal than it really is! And you're not a failure! Stop falling back on that! We're just not good together. And it's not fair for you to try to make me feel guilty like this. Or for me to be in this half assed relationship or you to pretend there's something still here." Both heads turned as a girl with long black hair and ripped jeans walked up to them, her high heeled boots clicking for their attention.
"Vriska can you PLEASE, be a fucking bitch somewhere else for a while? Me and your sister are talking." The girl grinned and scoffed.
"That sounds more like you getting owned than talking. Besiiiiiiiides, Rezi asked me to come." Karkat moved his attention back to Terezi again. Without seeing the confusion on your bro's face she explained.
"I called her up to come get me while I was trying to talk to you, but you didn't even notice did you? That's what I was talking about."
Standing up she started to walk off before the Vriska bitch pushed her in the right direction.
"Byeee Loser!" The few obnoxious laughs were silenced by Terezi's cane as they walked off.
You walked your blubbering best friend home, content with having a 'feelings jam' when you got to his apartment, and only being able to offer a few assuring words.
"You didn't fucking need her bitch ass. You don't need her. You're fine, I'm here motherfucking best friend and that's all you need." By the time you reached his apartment, he had calmed down. Until he saw his apartment had been broken into.
Chapter 3: Be The Most Detestable Character In This Story
Your name is John Egbert and you are the worst.
The names for John's siblings are from the "pets".
Casey = Casey
Roy = Viceroy Bubbles Von Salamancer (Casey)
Spen(cer) = Dr. Meowgon Spengler (Vodka Mutini)
Nate = Nakodile
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
You are the worst ever. No doubt about it. You just broke into some poor person's apartment and stole everything you could; food, plates, clothes, soap. And that thought about shitting on their bed! Ugh, you're horrible. But, you don't feel guilty about stealing the soap though, some of your little brothers were starting to get really ripe, really fast. Your dad would not be proud of you, even though he would take what you brought him out of necessity for the kids. But he would not be proud at all. Before, when you were little, he'd make you return the littlest things; a piece of candy, a small toy from a dollar store, even those shiny little rocks you'd kicked across the sidewalk from people's front yards. Stealing was wrong and not tolerated under his household. But the addition of four kids and the lack of a steady job had broken him. He didn't at accept it at first, no, he would punish you when you got caught stealing the other kids lunches for your brothers and sister in sixth grade. Seventh grade he'd scold you for getting caught trying to break into a gas station. Eighth grade, he'd just look at you with sad, disappointed and defeated eyes and take the pilfered bag of groceries you shoved at him, scolding yourself for looking so triumphant with a terrible deed. Now, well, now he'd take whatever you gave him, put it somewhere others like you wouldn't find it easily, and leave the house for a few hours. You thought about lying, to claim that you had honestly obtained these needed things just to see if some worry would reduce the wrinkles in his forehead. But that was stupid, he'd never believe that, you don't even believe that.
Your name is John Egbert and you are the worst.
You're woken up by a three pairs of grubby midget hands pulling and tugging your hair. Without your glasses, that you inherited from your dad and have been wearing since middle school, everything is basically blurs moving in front of more blurs. You can recognize your brothers, even though you could hear all three VERY CLEARLY. Goodness, these rascals had some mouths on them! And you could smell them even with your back turned to them. Your sorry attempts at shrugging them off fail as you turn BACK around on the bed you share with the smallest of your siblings; your little sister. You grope around, aiming for the floor to find your glasses, as you have no nightstand. That was destroyed in a an accident with the twins. You pat the head of the angel that hands you your glasses for you and you sit up, swinging your legs and lightly knocking the boys down like bowling pins. As they erupt in laughter, you realize Casey was the one who gave you your spectacles. You smile at her and signal for her to come and sit on your lap. You watch as she climbs onto the bed with her chubby legs and places herself in front of you. She didn't talk much, and was pretty reserved, but you two understood each other and had a system down. You tell the guys to hush and ask them where you dad is.
You and Casey share a look as you both contemplate the sanity of her twin. Roy was always, a little special.
Casey and Roy were both the youngest at six, both little blue eyed blonds were as different as different could get. While Casey was pretty mature and quiet, choosing to spend time either alone or with you, wearing too large tee shirts with belts to pretend they were princess dresses, Roy was spontaneous and wild, and sometimes, well, questions of therapy were often discussed, despite money issues. Spen, short for Spencer, was second youngest at eight and was the more reliable one out of the four. He liked to fiddle around with the few Game Boy Advances you got him, always figuring out ways to make the batteries last a little longer. With black, curly hair similar to your own, and brown eyes, he was the tallest of them all, no doubt he'd be taller than you someday. Nate, the oldest at ten, had light brown hair that almost seemed red in light and brown eyes and was the shortest. He liked helping your dad in the kitchen, often licking the foul Betty Crocker batter out of the discarded bowls while your dad baked or helping Nanna in her store.
You hated Betty Crocker products. Not only because the stuff tasted like sugary shit, but because you miss the REAL cakes your dad made before the money started wearing thin and since the habit of torturing kids with cake hadn't been able to wear away with the money, he went with a fast and cheap, fifty cent alternative. You still get pushed to eat the stuff, just like nothing changed, but YOU can taste the difference. It tastes like sadness, poverty, and fifty cents. Though the metallic taste might've been from the rusty pans the cakes were being baked in. That was probably it. You blame BCC for breaking apart your family, and for the lack of money and for your neighborhood's sad conditions, and your buckteeth that are NOT adorable as your snarky friend says because apparently Amy Andrews doesn't agree, AND for that D+ you got on that test you studied two weeks for! Yeah, ok, you admit that's all pretty stupid, because BCC is only a food industry, AS FAR AS YOU KNOW, and almost none of that could ever relate to them. But you need SOMETHING to blame all your troubles on and that is a pretty easy target.
You TOTALLY just blanked out and heard nothing of what poor little Spen was saying, shame on you. You look down at his disapproving face and sheepishly shrug, they were used to you drifting off, they had even started calling you airhead along with your friends. "I'm sorry Spen, what did you say?"
He sighs like he's ten years older and rolls his eyes.
"I SAID we're hungry and we need to go to school and we can't find daddy." You loved how they insisted on calling Dad "Daddy." They are adorable. You lift Casey off your lap and set her on the creaky floor as you stand up. Running a hand through your hair, you stretch in an attempt to ward off sleepiness.
"Ok, but what time is it?"
Roy smiles at you and shouts, "SEVEN THIRTY!!"
You look at Spen and he nodded to confirm. You almost cussed in front of the kids.
You grab Casey, and tell the boys to follow you as you run out of the room you, Casey, and Roy share and down the steps. Because you are wearing your dad's too large socks, you end up slipping a few times before you reach the end of the stairs, but you manage to keep the two of you in one piece. You sit Casey down in a chair at a table and the boys do the same as you slide into the kitchen, this time falling flat on your face. You really need to get some fitting socks. You find bread and pop it into an ancient toaster and start cutting up a just barely edible apple. You rummage inside the old fridge and find there's still a thing of turkey sausage left from last week. You pull it out and start to fry it at the highest temperature your stove can go and cut it into five chunks. You take toast out the toaster and replace with two more slices before buttering the previous pieces. You check the time by looking at the small clock hanging on the wall by the door; seven forty five. The kids needed to get to their school by eight thirty and you needed to get into homeroom by nine, but you could afford to be late. You shout orders for the boys to get toothbrushes and toothpaste and towels and to start brushing their teeth and washing their faces as Casey took a bath, then they would rotate between eating.
You grabbed your own breakfast, shoving it in your mouth, as you headed out the door with, finally, clean and clothed kids and locked the door behind you. You shouted a bye to your dad, just in case he was in calling range and picked up the twins. It would be faster if they didn't slow them down. You walked the kids to their classrooms, saying hello to all the children, who somehow, had taken a liking to you even more than your own siblings, and then ran almost half way across town to your own school; Saint John's High school. Yeah, you got a lot of jokes about how this was really your school, but what could you say? John was a pretty common name, just not around your town you guess. Again, your head was in the clouds as you bump into someone a lot taller than you. You notice they have a red jacket on, and immediately assume it's your best friend. You laugh and pick up your bag and talk before a long winded speech comes your way.
"Oh, hey Dave! Sorry, I wasn't paying attention again. My bad." You don't notice that this is not Dave in front of you before you hug said 'not Dave.'
"Do I LOOK like the shit eating asshole named Dave Strider to you, ass wipe?" Oops. You look at the 'not shit eating asshole named Dave Strider' from your hugging position and realize this guy is way too grumpy to be Dave and too uncool to be him to, even though Dave was a dork and not cool at all.
"Oh, sorry man! I didn't mean to run into you! I thought you were my buddy Dave so I just hugged you! Sorry." You smile at him and he frowns deeper as he looks down at you. You can clearly spot the dark bags under his eyes, his crimson eyes? Woah, that was new! You think it's pretty cool how light affects eyes, that's why you like science.
"Don't care. Watch where you're going and don't hug people with your gross, puny arms before looking at the victim first at least." Woah, that was a little too far. Your arms weren't puny, you did push ups twice a day, everyday. They were just "lean", not puny.
"Ok dude. Sooorry." You let him past as you adjust yourself and you hear him mumble. You are pretty sure he just said "Come on, we're going to be late."
You look around and notice it's only you two and that the bell will ring soon. So you follow his lead as he starts to sprint into the land of KNOWLEDGE and SHIT, or LOKAS, as you and you're friends call the school. An insider from a game you and your friends used to play as kids.
"Why are you following me!?!" You are pretty sure you aren't following him, your homeroom just happens to be in the same direction as he's going.
"I'm not! My class is this way! But you did say to come on." He looks back at you with a disapproving scowl and returns to stomping. You wonder if it's fun or something to act like that as you mock him behind his back, gaining a few giggles from other passerbyers. It's not, but it's fun to mock him. He whips his head around and catches you; prankster gambit plummets as he smacks your head.
"No, I DIDN'T tell you to "come on" in a 'friendly' manner as though we actually KNEW each other, and even if we DID know each other, I would not be 'friends' with you. And what is your problem?! Are you mentally inept? If you are I apologize." You laugh and try to respond just as the bell rings and you both dash into the same room. Oh. So you both have the same homeroom. This was going to be interesting, this guy seemed like fun!
EDIT: Ok so the original plan was to rewrite an original work of mine, but things got out of hand! So I'm literally just writing this on a whim? Kinda? There's no or at the very least, little planning or setting up this story. So I'm writing from chapter to chapter and I will try to write a chapter once every week or every two weeks. As soon as I'm able to, I will be drawing character profiles and such, so you can see what I see when I'm writing! I will link back to my tumblr when they come. Also chapters will be around about 2000 words? Unless I come up with something that needs to be shorter. Sorry for short chapters.
Thank you for reading :D
Chapter 4: Continue Being The Dumb Worst Character
In which we learn John really REALLY thinks Dave is super LAME and olives are the fucking evilest, after super villain Rose of course.
I'll probably do a better, more informative version of him later. I tag everything with CBP or Chocolates and Blue Peppermints.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
"He's just a little rough around the edges!"
You try to defend your new 'never in a million years will I be 'friends' with you, you sick fuck' buddy as you pick from the real Dave's lunch. But not the apple juice, you will NEVER attempt to take that small box of piss resembling goodness. That was totally off limits, ever since one of your first movie nights. Needless to say many boxes and bottles labeled apple juice were filled with 'not apple juice' and passed around. Thankfully as a GREAT PRANKSTER, you could see past any prank and Dave was not very good at them, not at all. You actually think Dave and Karkat are a little bit similar, they both don't ever shut up! You tell him this as he shoots you a look. You think, the guy has sunglasses on! You know, the ones you fucking bought, with real actual money, for him?
He fakes a gasp and puts the back of his hand on his forehead.
"Dear me! You would compare me to that low life scoundrel! Simply atrousicious! A fine, precious litlle thing like me should not have to hear such drivel. Of all of my days, why I've never heard such an insult! It's as you've almost told me I was the most hideous thing on earth with the blackest of hearts." He stops his Texan lady, high pitched voice, which is pretty high, to let you and your friends stop giggling. Well, one of your other friends, Rose didn't really giggle, so much as 'chuckle,' which you think is pretty creepy. Who even really chuckles? But even though her chuckling was weird and creepy, you loved Rose! In a sisterly way though!! You both had already tackled that when you were younger. Dave and Jade used to joke about how you two would get married one day and live happily ever after. You had admitted she was very pretty, and really nice and sometimes had made you blush, but you didn't want to marry her. She was kind of too grown up for you, and still is! You both agreed to never 'fall for each other in deep, sappy love' as younger Dave put it, though you can openly admit that Rose is getting prettier very fast. She's one of your best friends and you really care for her, but sometimes she likes to pick at sore spots, not on purpose, but because of her unhealthy need of analyzing people's minds.
Jade, however, is very cool! And fun! She's not so much into pranks as you, but you think she's a lot like you. She's almost like a big sister, you know, if she was related to you! Which would be pretty cool, actually! She's pretty well known around the 'hood' for kicking ass and for lugging around shot guns. Sometimes, she catches you as you're about to go 'raiding.' She is the only one of your buddies that know what you do. She wears the same expression as your dad but drags you with her to a supermarket and buys the things you need. Her grandpa, who owns plenty of businesses and travels a lot, is very rich. Though, you aren't sure why he allows Jade to live in this dangerous and shoddy community. Maybe because of their mutual love of adventure? But even though she seems intimidating, she's really actually pretty silly and nice and childish! But even though you like your own fair share of animes, this girl likes them way too much. Her room is covered in furrie posters, some knock off japanese tentacle plushie things, and just cute anime stuff EVERYWHERE. Yeah, she's a special friend, but she's the only one of your buds who can actually laugh like a normal person, like now!
Dave, who you are, like 99% sure isn't as cool as he tries to seem, is your best bro. You say 99% because, what if he was really cool, and he used his dorkiness as a cover up so no one would see the cool, instead of him being a doofus and using the cool act as a cover up. Or what if he was hiding behind the idea that he was a dork and was trying to be cool when he really was! Wait, no, this is already confusing. You are NOT going to run yourself into circles like that. You're a little too smart for that, yeah. Anyway, he's your best bro and you two talk about everything and anything, though sometimes, with serious conversations where he's not willing to break the cool kid persona (WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT BE A COVER UP OR A COVER UP OF A COVER UP), it gets a little hard to get through his thousand word sentences, whether he needs help or you need it. Unknowingly to Jade and Rose, you both tried to do the dating thing, even though you aren't gay at all! But you thought, and still do, think Dave is pretty hot, and makes a good boyfriend, but you both equally decided the relationship was kind of awkward and ended it. But you're still best bros for life! No matter how uncool he is! And you'll be there for him anytime he needs you.
Speaking of Dave, you drifted off again. You've got to stop doing that! You try to make it seem as though you were intently listening, and not thinking about random things again. You really don't need Rose to start something today. You squint your eyes in an attempt to seem like you're really 'concentrating' on the words of your bro. He turns his head towards you and rests his chin on the heel of his palm.
"Seriously, dude, don't get involved with him. I've heard about some of the shit he's in. Like, 'oh my gawd' deep shit. Seems pretty unstable from afar too. Just keep the friendly, yet naive Egbert body in one piece. I got a really bad feeling about him. Plus I still owe you a beat down for drifting off while the Strider talks to you. You got me feeling like one of the geeks over here, pay your bro some attention."
"Dave, he's just another kid. He's probably just another victim of rumors, like you! You know, how people think you're intimadating and full of 'swag,' emphasis on think."
He shakes his head and you push his warning far out of your head, because, seriously, no one is as bad as you are. You steal from the poor and keep it for yourself. Instead of Robin Hood, you're the evil king. What was he, again? A weasel, or a bear? Maybe a lion. Yeah, you're pretty sure the Disney version had him as a lion. So, you're just a lion, and even though they seem really cool and everyone loves them, they're just awful. Just like you. But you kind of wish you had as much hair as a lion, then you could be even more in character when watching one of your favorite movies!
You laugh softly to yourself, even though no one's talking to you at the moment, so you probably seem weird, but your friends are used to it by now. You're getting more and more away from yourself, personality wise, because you worry about them finding out. They will probably always be there for you, probably, but you don't think you could ever handle seeing the same distraught and disappointed look in Dave and Rose's eyes that both your dad and Jade have when they see you walking towards the other side of town with a group of kids you would never usually hang around with. That would most likely be the worst outcome, ever. So for your sake, for your brothers' sake, for Casey's sake, and you're friends' sake, you're not ever going to let anyone else know. Deep down, you add that into your mental jar of secrets, ones no one should ever know about, ones you will guard from everyone. You mean, it's not like keeping secrets from people is bad, right? Everyone has secrets they like to keep under wraps. You just have a bigger share of them, and you just can't let anyone know for the life of you.
But you won't let this affect you, you'll just keep playing the airhead. The funny guy, the one people can lean on, a good friend, a good son, and the good student. Even if you're not really all of those things, as long as you pretend, it'll all be fine. So what if you have to live with knowing you're living a lie? As long as your friends and family are proud of you, for the most part, and safe, you can do it. You will do it, for as long as you can manage. You could do anything for them, you trust them and they trust you. So why fix something that isn't completely broken?
You pick one of those weird black olives out of Jade's salad. When you say 'weird,' you really mean it. You swear those things have little faces on them. And they mock you. They mock you by seeming really weird, but they taste so good, damn those olives, trying to make you go crazy. It's the same with her fruit too! ESPECIALLY, the fruit. But every time you try to point it out, the faces always disappear. So, you don't mention it anymore, since Rose is like some mental problem bloodhound. Always ready to throw you in those weird chairs you can't sit down in, but they probably make a really nice bed, and dig through your mind. With needles, yeah, she could be some kind of super villian, with knitting needles. You must have said this out loud because Dave was half smirking in the way only he could, Jade was giggling again, but super loud, and Rose was grinning at you. Hopefully she was geniunely grinning because it was funny and not because she was planning your demise. She was good at that. You smile real big at her and uncontrollably fall into the infectious laughter that Jade started.
You have the best Best Friends ever, and you won't ever do anything to hurt them. Ever.
I'll probably do a better, more informative version of him later. I tag everything with CBP or Chocolates and Blue Peppermints.
Chapter 5: Be The Guy More Than A Little Rough Around The Egdes
In which Eridan and Karkat have a sleepover and paint each other's nails or at least Eridan tries.
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
You are currently running to the house of one of the richest assholes in your town. All because some idiot couldn't tell the difference between Someone with or without money based on their obvious living conditions.
But you guess it's partially your fault. You don't really know exactly how it's your fault, but everything that happens to you is your fault. You're just a major fuckup. Like what happened with Terezi. After you stopped crying your eyes out like a god dammed pansy, you realized Terezi was fucking right, as always. You DIDN'T pay attention to her, even though you loved her to death. You were just satisfied that she was yours and no one else's. You didn't care about her feelings, you never even thought there were feelings to be HAD.
During summer breaks, she would go out of town with her family. You would go for weeks without talking to her, and you'd ignore her messages. Sure, for the first week or so you'd stay up until three talking to her over chat programs, or on YouTube videos that no one would ever look at or had looked at in years. A few times you had even called her at one in the morning, joking around, making fun of her when she had to pretend to be sleep and tried to make snoring sounds when her mother checked in on her. But gradually over time, the strong need to talk to her or to just hear her voice, whether or not she really said anything, slowly faded. When she messaged you, you hardly ever replied back, and you admit you might have been an ass the few times she did manage to talk to you. You weren't worried.
You never stopped caring for her, you were just fine with the fact that Terezi Pyrope was Karkat Vantas's and no one else could touch her, and that she wouldn't look at anyone else. But you weren't thinking about how she felt. It must've seemed like you were ignoring her, without any reason, even though you weren't. That explains her attitude towards you when she came back on the first day back to school. The fourteen month relationship only lasted for a little less than a month after that, sadly. And that wasn't even the worst thing you did to her, you're a moron. You'd be spending the holidays alone because of your own idiocy.
You've never known how exactly how to handle people. People always come to you for advice, though. Mostly about romance, how ironic is it you can handle others' relationships when you can't even keep your own. You gave, well give, great advice. You are the fucking school master of the learning facility called 'LOVE.' No one knew or researched as much as you have on the complicated subject. If researching meant spending years worth of time watching every romance flick you could get online for free, and staying up until early mornings with snack foods and boxes of tissues as your company. But even though you knew the ends and outs of almost every type of relationship and how each person would react, you couldn't use that with real people!
It's almost as though everyone on Earth is here to make you look like an idiot and not do the things they're supposed to do. When you used to play multiplayer videogames with your friends and you were the leader? No respect. Everyone just shit on your position and died. Except Sollux, Terezi, and Vriska. Sollux is just a fucking genius at things like that, though you'll never tell him that, EVER. You aren't even really sure if you two are friends all the time. Things between you two are weird and just another example at how people don't do what they're supposed to in your relationships. Terezi is a scary specimen at games involving murder or anything she can judge, you don't want to get into that because that shit is scary and unbelievable. Blind girls who can't even see the screen shouldn't enjoy the screams of tiny computer people while licking the screen, confessing that she can taste their 'cherry red blood.' Yeah, never to be discussed. Vriska, like her lovable, yet maniacal sister, was also insane at those types of games. But you expect it from her; she runs one of the most dangerous gangs in town: the Blue Webs. It was a stupid name, but they made up for it in strength, you suppose. You aren't totally sure if Terezi and their parents know, but you're certain at least Vriska's mother is proud.
You finally reach the whiney asshole's house. You figure that as long as you agree to give him advice, you can weasel into being able to stay over a few nights until your dad calms down, or at least forgets about it. You take care of him more than he does you it seems like, and your friends take care of you more than you do as their 'leader.'
You walk up to his house door and knock, already hearing his weird accent. He was arguing with someone inside as he opened the door for you.
" and I'm not! And she's not evven awware of you're existence you asshole! Oh. Hey, Kar." You nodded and tried to look past him, he was a lot taller than you, but then again you were just short.
"Who are you talking to?" He scoffed and opened his mouth to speak, interrupted by a crash and yelling.
"Eridan! Get back in here and don't you EVER disrespect me like that again!!" Said disrespectful teenager frowned and grabbed your hand instead, pulling you into the house. You closed the door behind you, not caring to lock because no one with a head on their shoulders would try breaking in.
You're taken into a violet bedroom, not that it's any surprise. It's been that way for all the ten years the small house has been here. It even matches the rest of the house. No one was dumb enough to not know what this pompous little shit's favorite color was. Except maybe Gamzee. They both liked purple and they got along just fine, sadly. You wonder about your choice in friends sometimes. You sit on a purple, surprise, surprise, beanbag and he sits on his bed, sighing as it moves under him. Wait, it jiggled. He had fucking bought a water bed since the last time he came over. Damn rich people.
"So wwhat's up Kar? I'm pretty sure you're not here to do the garden wwork. Wwhich, really needs to get done, to be honest."
"No, idiot. Dad's kinda flipping out. Wanted to know if I could crash here a few days?" You watched your feet as you waited for a reply, man your feet sure were interesting.
"Sure, Kar. You knoww I'd nevver say no ta you. I thought wwe wwere cool enough for you ta knoww that wwithout askin'. Mind if I ask wwhy you're dad's flippin' out?"
"Because you used too many fucking 'wwords' with w's in them. Seriously, do you know how stupid that sounds? I thought you were paying some nut job to fix that?" He shrugged and rested his chin in his hand, propped up by his weirdly pointy knee.
"Hey, don't criticize me an' my wway of speakin' wwhen you ain't too good wwith wwords yourself...oh damn it. Go on."
"Some moronic ass broke into my house and basically destroyed the place, stole my computer, and stole my little stash of money." Eridan's face piqued with interest. What was he a dog?
"Wwhy wwould anyone break into your place? Ain't Vvris gotcha covered? On account a you and her sister dating? Didn't Ter tell her ta back off?"
"Wow, asshole. Nice way to bring up sore subjects." You turned your head towards his very interesting wall. Wow, such a pukey color.
"She dumped my sorry ass yesterday. If you actually cared enough to go to school on time everyday, instead of just the classes Feferi is in, and Sollux's, don't think I haven't noticed, you would've heard the big speech Vriska made. Basically she told the whole school about our break up before Terezi decided she didn't need to puree my heart any more, and got her to shut up. Yeah, so, I'm pretty sure Vriska isn't 'covering' me anymore, and I wouldn't blink if she was the one who did the honors herself. The bitch has been trying to out do me in everything, even though I haven't challenged her like she thinks I did."
There you go rambling on again. You have a bad habit of not shutting up and insulting people when you're uncomfortable. It's great that you can see that fault, but no one said you were going to actively try to change it.
"Oh, I'm sorry, Kar. I can try 'nd replace evverything if you wwant? I don't knoww wwhat I'm supposed to do in these situations..."
"It's fine, I just need a place to stay for a while. Thanks, I guess. So, who's downstairs?" Well, that was a bad move. You could feel his attitude change.
"My father. The man wwho helped create me, yet has nevver once been interested in me or my mum. As long as he sent us money, wwe kept the fact that he had a child off a the news. Evven wwhen she died, he nevver evven came to the funeral. You and evveryone else came and you guys ain't evven related! But he couldn't be bothered! But today, he came ovver because he wanted me ta movve in with 'im. Because I'm friends wwith Fef! He wwants ta marry her mother and try to get a piece of Betty Crocker Corps' money for himself. I think he's infatuated wwith her though, Fef's mom, I mean. He's gaga ovver her. Kinda like I am ovver Fef, but at least I actually tell her and don't use fuckin' underhanded tricks ta win her ovver. He wwants ta get ta knoww Fef better through me ta get ta her mother! It's dowwn right disgustin'!"
You're going to have a long night infront of you. You can already tell as you watch him start blubbering and you move to comfort him.
You refused when he pulled out the purple nail polish. Even though he claimed it was 'violet' not 'purple' and that it was perfectly acceptable to paint each other's nails. You replied that no, it wasn't fucking acceptable and that it would only be acceptable if you were a girl or a three year old. Both of which you aren't. He replied with a moan and said that you were too stereotypical and guys can paint their nails, it's all art anyway. Somehow or another you ended up with a bottle of polish in your hands and you are now currently painting his left hand as he looks for 50 First Dates online. You hear someone outside the door and you freeze. You forgot about Eridan's dad. Apparently he did too because he jumped a little at the sound of the door opening.
"Son, I'm going home. I'm disappointed in your hosting skills. Hello, I'm Mister Ampora. I hope you can keep my visit, "out of mind." I'm willing to pay for your memory of said visit." You shake your head.
"No, that fine. I'll keep my trap shut." No way would you take money from this scumbag, even if you aren't really in the position of refusal right now.
"My hostin' skills are fine, Father. And leavve Kar outta this. He doesn't need to get caught up wwith you." Eridan turned his head back around to continue scrolling through sites. Whether or not he was really looking for something, you couldn't tell.
"As heir to my business you need to work on your below average hosting skills, like I said, and that speech disorder. You're seventeen, it was only cute when you were still in primary school. You could also learn some things from your submissive friend over here. Also-"
"Shut up! First of all, leave Kar outta this, like I said before. And there's nothin' wwrong wwith how I speak. It makes me fucking memorable, and I'm not taking ovver anythin' a yours. You didn't havve the time to take care a me or mum before, so wwhy should I help you in most likely dirty business? I might be an obnoxious ass, but I havve limits. Now get out a my house!!"
Mr. Ampora sighed, shook his head and left. You kinda feel like shit, well, more than you usually do. You should've helped out, but you feel as though this is something they need to work out by themselves. You break the silence like a damn pro and call him and idiot. You continue to paint his stupid hand and he puts on your movie. You opt to go get snacks, so he can have a few minutes of thinking time. You are the greatest, it is you. Until all you can find are low fat, low salt, low fucking everything diet foods. You are now yelling your eyes out your sockets in rage.
Pretty soon I'll draw all the characters, it's just going to be a while though.
Sketches can be found at my tumblr though I guess, but I guess some of them will be spoilers.
It's all tagged as CBP and Chocolates and Blue Peppermints jfyi.
Have I said this already???
Chapter 6: Be The Guy More Than A Little Rough Around The Edges And Also A Coward
Karkat thinks hard about life and self worth. TW?
I apologize for this entire chapter........and also this is the last chapter with little interaction between john and karkat.
You are now sobbing for the fifth time tonight as the credits of “If Only” roll across the laptop screen. You didn’t want this at ALL. You knew you would cry for “50 First Dates,” that was already predicted. As predictable as the pop quizzes that came every damn day, every week, at exactly 11:40, in your fifth period Spanish class. But what WASN’T on your to do list tonight, was to soak your friend’s overly priced, cologne smelling, purple sheets in rascalistic, peasant tears. Who the fuck wrote this beautiful masterpiece and didn’t put a warning label on the opening credits that involved something like, ‘We are not responsible for the deaths of the dehydrated idiots who decide to watch this film.’
You look over at Eridan, who had just been mumbling something a few minutes before, or it might’ve been more than a few minutes, you decide as you look at the time on the screen; it was almost three. He had attached his self to your shoulder and left his left hand inside a bag of berry flavored rice cakes. Whatever the hell those things were supposed to be. You suppose leaving right now, before he started spouting unnecessary bullshit about what might be a scene in the morning if you just went to sleep in his bed, would be a good idea. But walking around at three in the morning until you get to someone else’s house to crash, isn’t a great idea. So you pry yourself free of pale fingers and cringe as you step on those damned rice based, disks while trying to walk down the steps to go sleep on a ridiculously colored couch.
You approximately trip twice, run into a wall, or something as equally full of bullshit, five times and hit your toe once on something metal. You mentally curse whoever decided that night time should be dark and then curse yourself for being that stupid to even think of that. Then you blame your tiredness, which leads you back to blaming yourself again. You stop the cycle of self blaming when you hear something. You think it’s probably a cat or something more or less cute and infected with rabies, except, cats and such, don’t make heavy thumping sounds. Wow, holy shit, you were totally wrong about Eridan’s house not being a target of petty, but most likely armed, and dangerous thieves. Oh fuck, what if they tried to kill you? Should you attempt to scare them, or fight them? Should you run back to Eridan and wake him up? Maybe that now growing shadow on the wall five feet away from you is someone he knows? Ok, that was a bit too optimistic for anyone with a mind. Although letting him be killed in his sleep unconciously would most likely be better than dying a sad, painful death like your own, maybe, future death. Wow, that was, morbid, and just sad.
Hiding behind the couch, you juggle between being heroic and absconding, with or without your friend. Most likely getting the fuck out of there with your sleeping friend. You over hear bits of what seems to be a conversation between a familiar voice and an equally unfamiliar voice.
“Just doooooooo it, already. GEEZ. I personally know this guy, and I know for a fact he will not care. Not even the tiniest bit. Look around, does it SEEEEEEEEM like he would worry about replacing anything in here? How do you expect to keep hanging with me and my AWESOME crew if you can’t even muscle up enough man grit to steal some prissy boy’s stupid jewlery? Hmmm?”
“No, I’m not scared. I just don’t see the point in stealing things I don’t need. And why do I need to prove myself to you? I thought you knew me better than that, I thought that we were, I don’t know, friends?”
You hear a sigh and some mumbling, but you think you’re too far away to hear clearly.
“--ourse I wouldn’t. But you know, even though I could just off them aaaaaaaall, it would make me a one woman team, and you can’t run a town with just one person, no matter how awesome they are. So them’s the breaks, you know its not like you’re the only one. Just gotta make sure you’re tough enough to stick around, and trust me, this is reaaaal easy stuff. Look, I even cut down to four a’s instead of eight, just for you. See, I am the best friend. The very best.”
“That’s stupid, you can’t even tell how many letters you’re saying. But seriously, after this, please, pleaaase, don’t ask me to do stuff like this, unless it’s necessary. You know why I’m doing this, so please don’t...”
You hear a sigh and then a loud thump, you’ve concluded that that is most definitely Vriska outside and someone she probably mercilessly hounded into doing dirty work for her. You are somewhat curious as to why she’s having someone break into her ex’s house randomly, and why she seems to be, dare you say it, ‘soft’ on said person, but you are too terrified for that. You know that Vriska will not hesitate to kick your ass, and jack you up with a fucking plastic butterknife and then go and tell everyone countless stories about how you suck and how she’s a queen. Wow, you hate the bitch, and you hate her even more because that’s what she wants you to do. You hear scolding and decide to sneak back upstairs, since it’s obvious sleeping downstairs is out and you can be assured of every sane, though maybe brainless, existence is safe. Yeah, you’re pretty much a coward, but then again, a scrawny little kid with a bark thousands of times louder than his bite can’t do much in the life you live.
Now that you think about it, you are pretty useless. You have no good grades to speak of; your highest mark is a D average in your best class. You have no hobbies or talents whatsoever, nothing that you would ever look back on in twenty years, granted if you were still alive, and say, ‘aw, I used to spend all my time perfecting my skill at blah blah blah, even though people said I couldn’t do it, and look where I am now!” The most successful thing you’ve ever done, was rerouting a deadly virus to the school’s computer system, and that had been a total accident. And it wasn’t even your virus, it was Sollux’s, and you weren’t even supposed to touch it. It was only given to you so you could bow at his awesome skills. The only ‘hobbies’ you have, are watching movies and crying like a damn pussy over the slightest thing. You get trashed by your classmates, your father, your ex’s sister, and even random people you don’t even know on a daily basis. You’ve been neglected and verbally, and of course, phyiscally abused by your father since your mother walked out the door with your little sister. You can’t even remember their faces, let alone why they left. You were about five or six when they left, and after that your dad started to drink more, and started blaming you for everything. Typical sob story. Except you don’t and never will get that shiny little oppurtunity that changes your entire life around. You will never get out of poverty, your dad will never get better, you will never stop being a social retard, you will never have someone exclusivly dear to you, you will never stop being the world’s shit bag. And the weird and most pathetic thing about this is, you’re fine with this. One hundred percent fine with it, not because you’re afraid of change, like some people would say, but because you are accepting it and you know trying to change anything, would utimately lead to a disastor. Maybe that’s what Terezi meant by, ‘we should’ve never dated in the first place.’ Because trying was only going to lead to failure. And failure was the only constant thing you could rely on in your life. You’ve come to terms with it. With everything.
You decide that this is a lot to think about at three in the morning, while laying in some douchebag’s waterbed as his house is currently being robbed. You are doing nothing because you can agree that everything can be replaced quite easily and also because you are a good for nothing, cowardly, ugly, depressing, dirty, undeserving ass that can’t do---
Holy fuck. Someone is right above you. You can hear them breathing, and you know they are there even though your eyes are closed. You hear them swallow and you can feel the heat of them as they put some part of thier body in your face. A mantra of 'oh shit’s race through your mind even though you are perfectly aware that this person will probably, most likely, hopefully not kill you. You have to rethink this, because Vriska has some very, 'special’ friends and maybe you misjudged and maybe they are pyscho killers that like pretending that they are sad and pulled into Vriska’s web of shit. Actually, that sounds like something she would make them do. Wow, you’re screwed and just when you were coming to terms with everything.
You keep your eyes shut and try to stop breathing, and try to keep breathing at the same time because you have no clue what to do at moments like these. Until you feel something cover you, then you stop breathing for real.
“Hey Vriska...do you know him? Is this the guy you were talking about?”
You wonder if he’s whispering out of consideration, because of the mood, or because he knows you’re awake.
“Hmmmmmmmm? No, that’s shouty mcgloom loser. I know them both, but we’re here for the lame one with purple hair. Though they are both perfectly equal in lameness. The one we’re here for is my ex, the other guy is my sister’s ex. Which is kinda funny, huh? Makes sense that they’d be fucking each other now, they lost two greaaaaaaaat women. Karloser is just really annoying and fun to push, but harmless as a limbless baby.”
“I didn’t really need to know all that...but you really think they are seeing each other? Kinda looks like they were fighting or something. Look, this guy looks super tired and he wasn’t even covered up. The other guy is covered in food. Maybe they were having a food fight.”
“Nah. They were totally having nonsexy sex. Trust me, I’ve known 'em both ever since we were kids. Come on, let’s get the shit and blow this place before we get loseritis. 'kay?”
They left you alone with the purple prince and your thoughts after they took what they came for and left. You are not sure whether you should be distressed by the thought that Vriska saw you laying in bed with her ex, or if you should be elated that your pathetic life has been confirmed another day without a scratch, well, without any fresh ones at least. But the thing that is on your mind, is that, you are pretty sure whoever was with the bitch, must’ve been a pretty good person. You kinda hope they don’t get hurt while they fuck around with Vriska and her gang, you know from experience what she could, and would do. And if he was seeing her? Then, all the praying from you would amount to nothing because, that was like trying to use one hand to ride a bull that could tear your ass apart. In more ways than one. But then again, worrying over some poor sap wouldn’t be beneficial to you at all, so why bother?
You close your eyes, intending to sleep for the few hours of dark you have left before you have to deal with the grave you dug yourself. Sleep was really the only thing you could take joy in, and the only good constant in your life.
Chapter 7: Be the Spider Bitch *bonus*
Because a certain attractive boy with blue and tired eyes requested, you are walking home. There is a comfortable silence between the two of you as you finger the purple, gem stoned ring in your pocket. On normal occasions, you would’ve high tailed it out of the area after doing business, especially dangerous, sneaky ‘business.’ You figure it’s fine since it’s just wimpy Eridan, and since it’s a two person job. You’re pretty sure both of you could get away fine if need be, but then again, this was Eridan, the guy who, for some reason, kept his rich hands out of the news and such. You have to admit, you’re going soft for this kid. He’s cute, and pretty innocent, even if he’s mixed up with you. Just a good kid looking for the right things in the wrong places. You suppose that’s why you make allowances for him. You’ve entertained the thought of maybe, becoming more than just master and pupil, or friends, if you will. You steal a glance as he walks in front of you, arms swinging, but a serious look on his face. You are pretty fond of his eyes, and also his hair, and also his face. Maybe you just had a thing for baby faced derps.
The last time you tried getting close to someone you liked, they ended up getting paralyzed. People assume that you meant to do that in the first place, but to be honest, you never thought of anything like that. It was an honest to goodness accident. And no one knew that except for you. The boy’s already messed up head, got jumbled in the accident. After that incident years back, rumors about you spread and created this person that was you, but at the same time wasn’t. Instead of running away from it and drowning in the false persona other people created, you decided to embrace it. You single handedly took down the leader of the joke of the gang that lounged around town. You changed them from lousey, petty thieves that did nothing but hang around town in groups, to strong, organized pawns under your hand. This was your town now, you created reasons for your underlings to do what you wanted. You plotted and cheated, because cheating was the only thing you knew how to do.
John here, was caught in your terriotory a few months ago, and he was brought to you, beaten up and angry. You figured he was just desperate, and just needed to eat or such. You never thought that a few months later, you’d be making excuses just to be with him, since he couldn’t be seen with you. Recently, you’ve been spilling your whole life story to him and he accepted it all. Maybe it was because he knew what you were going through, or because he was in the same situation, and could understand how life was not all perfect and happy. Whatever it was, you could talk to him without being judged, and that was, somewhat, nice.
You don’t know what’s wrong with you, you are a hardcore, strong woman that don’t need no man to make you happy and you are the fucking mayor of this neighborhood. But mayors are very stupid and you’d rather be a queen. But the point is, that you, Vriska Serket-Pyrope, and you are pretty sure you are in love with John Egbert.
Chapter 8: Be the Hunter Girl *bonus*
Okay okay, a real chapter is coming next, but I had to get this info in and it fit better in an extra chapter...yeah. also I have more pictures, more like sketches, on my tumblr under the tag Chocolates and Blue Peppermints. I don't plan on posting them so...yeah....yeah.
You are currently dragging one of your best friends by their collar down the hallway, to a place where you can yell at him in private. You know Dave and Rose will wonder where the both of you are, well, only Rose would say something, really. But this is of DIRE importance! So, you'll just have to move quick. Especially since blue boy had the nerve to keep squirming and resisting you. The both of you know that you are the stronger one and that, despite his claims, he's pretty scrawny in general. The only thing he could do was run, and even that didn't benefit him since you had snuck up behind him before grabbing him. You were the hunter, and today, John Egbert was your prey.
You spot a janitor's closet and announce that it's perfect as you drag his scrawny behind inside behind you and close the door. You slam him up against a wall littered with cleaning supplies and tools. He protests as he looks at you in annoyance.
You slap your hand over his mouth. You can already figure out what you wanted just by hearing that AWFUL exaggeration on the ‘a’ in your name.
“No, fuck that. We’re not going to banter and jump around this problem like children. What is wrong with you?! You’ve been sulking all MORNING! Usually you shake it out after homeroom. Unless you’ve had a really bad, 'night.'”
You emphasized ‘night’ because you wanted to get straight to the point. You did not tolerate bullshit like this. You had a time limit and you needed to figure out what was wrong with your ‘brother’ as soon as possible. You slowly took your hand off his mouth.
“Ok, ok. But Jade, seriously, someone’s going to come in here and see you pushing me up against a wall and get some pretty messed up ideas. And if I have to be in a rumor, I wanna be the one that seems like a bad ass. I really don’t approve of having you--”
You slapped it back on, making sure to make it sting. Wow, he was an annoying little shit when he didn’t want to answer you. Stubborn and cute as always, he stares at you with that look of amusement and pride. You’re not getting it out of him today, you can already tell.
“Just tell me what happened. Did Vriska do something? Do I need to put a few--”
Your hand was pushed away with more force than you’re used to. Huh, that was weird, but then you should’ve expected it.
“No! Vriska hasn’t done anything! I just...um...oh, look...”
You cautiously turn your head and face a very pretty girl. She is staring at the both of you with suprise and amusement. She’s taller than the both of you, but not exceptionally tall. She smiles awkwardly, as if she doesn't know how to handle barging in on this kind scene. You look down to her hand, she was just trying to get some paper towels.
“Ah. I apologize, I did not mean to impose on...your ‘private time’ at all.”
You shake your head viciously, maybe John was right, ugh.
“Oh no! It, we weren’t, it’s not how you think. I was just trying to shove some sense into this...”
You turn your head to show that you were talking about John. The sneaky bastard was already gone. Damn, you knew better than to let yourself take your eyes off of him for more than a minute. You look confused as you look around until you hear his voice out in the hall.
Sticking your head out the doorway behind the girl, you spot him with his arm around some guy’s shoulders. He looks very familiar, though you can’t remember where you’ve seen him from or why. He also looks very pissed and red in the face.
“Hey Jade, I have to go, um...Karkat needs me! So yeah! Tell Dave and Rose that I’m skipping lunch today! I’ll see you later in CLASS, ok? Ok, BYE JADE!”
He turns his head to who you now know as Karkat, says something and then they’re out. Literally, they walk out of the building. Not many kids eat outside during lunch now because of the cold, so you don’t know whether his excuse was real, or if he made it up on the spot.
You turn your head towards the girl as she does the same.
“Jade...Harley. Um, sorry, for...John. Um...what you saw it wasn’t...”
She stops you mid sentence.
“Oh, no. I know who you are. It’s ok, I’m just glad I didn’t barge in on something...of that nature. I’m Kanaya, Kanaya Maryam. Nice to meet you. And to be quite honest, John has just taken away my cleaning buddy and I have no one to help me. I am in quite a prediciment. Would you, perhaps...”
“Oh, sure! Just let me tell my friends that they’re going to be alone for lunch, I could introduce you, if you’d like.”
As you lead her to the table you, Dave, Rose and John usually sit at, you make a mental note to get the truth from ‘Karkat’ and to be merciless towards John, regardless of the outcome. You notice as you tell them about John’s engagements and your own, that Dave looks somewhat terrifyed, as much as he can be, and Rose isn’t paying attention to you, but instead to your classy aqquaintance.
Well, today was sure to be interesting.
Chapter 9: Be The Smooth Operator
John is a smooth operator. As smooth as a smoothie. As smooth as a blanket. Smooth as a smoothie covered blanket. As smooth as smooth as smooth can be. Some would even say...smoother than smooth.
2/27 EDITED :p
2/27 EDITED :p
Ok, so that was definitely NOT two weeks!!! Sorry!!! I don't have access to my laptop at the moment, and many more moments to come, so uploading is very difficult. I just uploaded kid Karkat's story maybe a few weeks ago, but not the next chapter. I didn't because, even though I have it written down in a notebook, I wasn't happy with it. Actually it's been done for some months now. Anyway, I'm also going back and cleaning up errors and making some changes in the other chapters. I'll make sure to show a sign that they're edited when I do. They shouldn't be too big, but you might want to reread them? Ok, so I'm done with the dumb chattering (haha). Thanks for reading!!!
Your name is John Egbert and you are the smoothest person ever. You are so smooth. Smooth as something incredibly smooth. Maybe like a smoothie. Or a blanket? You have no idea how you got on this stupid subject, but the point is, you’re AWESOME.
Jade K. Harley, dog lover, gun enthusiast and cheerleader, was notoriously known for getting whatever she wanted. And she was even more known for getting whomever she wanted. And when she was mad, she got to hunting down the unlucky sap. The names 'bloodhound girl' and 'bitch' were thrown around generously between classmates, and it wasn't unusual to hear them whispered in the same sentence. But you did it. You did the impossible, the amazing, the astounding! You turned her own little isolation trick around on her!
Ok, so to be truthful, you probably didn’t get away with it, at all. You have the slight suspicion that she let you get away with it just so she could have the satisfaction of hunting you down. But you still got away with it, for now. So kudos to you. However, now you were stuck lunchless with a grumpy dude outside. And you were cold.
But the most important thing was that this was the same dude that was in the house you and Vriska looted last night. No one was supposed to know what you did. You had thought it was safe, especially since Vriska explained that no one you knew would be there. But you knew Karkat! Well, not well, but you had wanted to, and now you're stuck with him on temporary highschool exile! (No kid in their right mind would help you now if they knew Jade was after you, and word traveled fast.)
Now, the only options you had left were; one, stay away from him like the plague, two, continue to get to know him but avoid that type of conversation and act 'normal', or three, out yourself as his friend's jewel thief's accomplice. Ok, so only the first two were reasonable. He didn't seem to recognize your voice or face or anything. He was sleep, you suppose it's fine, and he's not even saying anything about it. Maybe you're overreacting.
Now that you think about it you're really cold, all you have on is a hoodie. So does your new buddy, who is walking in front if you, but he doesn't seem cold at all. There's not too much snow on the ground, just little white patches of pure, icy fluff. You look at one of your footprints by twisting your body to look behind you. Your feet are small. You hate your feet.
"Hey, Karkat, where are we going? Aren't you cold?" He doesn't grant you with stopping, you're going to trip if you have to keep run-walking behind him, but he throws you a sideways look.
"Well, I'm meeting a friend, who now I'm late to meet because of you. I don't know who or where this 'we' is going. Maybe you should see if there's someone you didn't drag into your idiotic friend's delusional mind game where she is some type of soldier and we are the enemy troops and maybe they would become a 'we' with you. Or not, because you, my not friend, are an insensitive, and highly annoying child with nothing but piles and piles of excrement in your mushy skull with no thought of other's feelings. I haven't liked you since the day you bumped into me and called me Strider. Like I'm as much of a douchenozzle as he is."
You're mind is kind of swirling at this point as you try to wrap your head around Karkat's 'elegant' speech. You think he just said some pretty mean, and confusing, stuff about you, Jade, and Dave.
"Hey! That's not very nice!"
"I give no fucks about being nice to someone I don't know."
"But you do know me, I'm J-"
"Someone I'm not friends with and hasn't given me reason to be. I was supposed to be helping out Kanaya."
You piece two and two together and figure that girl with the closet was Kanaya. You should probably apologize for that, and maybe make it up to him. Your dad would probably appreciate that, even if he didn't know about it.
"Sorry for dragging you away, and into this. Um...I don't think Jade will be too hard on you if I fess up."
You really don't want to do that, she's going to kill you, but it's the fair thing to do. He stops at a lunch table covered in snow. You mildly wonder why the school even put them this far out. Maybe to instill excercise habits? He brushes snow off the seat and sits, barely showing any sign that it's cold. You follow his lead and practically freeze as you sit down. His butt must be super insulated. By accident you say that out loud, again.
"I'm glad that my brown, pudgy butt is in your thoughts, and by glad, I mean creeped out. But I've seen, or heard, worse. And...I might be willing to entertain you. If you get Harley off my back, I'm not entirely amused by the thought of being her torture subject. But then only a little bit, I'm not going to fill in for your imaginary friend that you cuddle with every night. So don't get your hopes up. Dammit, Egbert didn't I just say not to get your hopes up?!"
You were already grinning your super famous, drop dead gorgeous grin. You think your cheeks were being pulled apart. You reach into your hoodie pouch and pull out four shiny wrapped candies. You roll them around, find the two different ones you were looking for and handed them to your new friend, that thought makes you want to giggle. (You're not supposed to giggle, bad John, bad! You're going to scare him away!) This was it. This was the friendship test, even though he really couldn't even fail it, you wanted to see how he'd react. He takes them with a skeptic look at you. He starts to unwrap just one and put it in his mouth.
"Egbert, what? Am I not supposed to eat this friendship candy? Actually, that's probably what you call it, huh?"
"Well, yeah, duh. But you have to eat both of them together! Not just the chocolate one by itself!"
He unwraps the second super slowly. You're tempted to snatch it and cram them both in his mouth. Woah, that was a little...yeah...you're too excited.
"What is this? It's an unnatural shade of blue and I'm scared to eat it. How much dye and radioactive slime was put into this? How many innocent Callinectes sapidus did you kill to make these?"
" Calliwhatsit? And it's a mint! It's kinda hard to tell, since its in a ball. But try it, it's good."
"Callinectes sapidus. Blue crabs. It's latin."
He looks down at them, then up at you, and then down again. He looks at you as he puts them in his mouth with one hand, as if he's taking pills. You practically see him telepathically telling you that he will kill you if you poisoned him. You can see him rolling them around with his tongue. He finally pushes them in his cheek to talk.
"Not bad. Is this what all the quote on quote cool kids do?"
"Haha nope! Actually, so far out of all my friends, you're the only one to like it besides me!"
"I'm so lucky."
"Yeah! Once, when I was a little younger, I went into Nanna's shop. Do you know it?" He shakes his head no. "Oh, well one day, I'll take you there." You ignore his frown. "Anyway, I was buying chocolates and that mint was misplaced and so when I blindly ate them, a miraculous combo was born. Better than peanutbutter, which I'm allergic to haha, and chocolate, and similar to peppermintbark!"
"Thanks for the life story..."
"Wwell, look at wwho wwe'vve got here."
You practically jump at the sound of someone else's voice. A really accented voice at that. You turn around to see the other boy you saw yesterday, Eridan, if you remember right. He's dressed to the nines in purple. His brown hair is streaked with purple and gelled up and back. His (purple) jacket is leather and is accompanied by a thick blue and purple scarf. You don't feel as bad about last night as you did before. That would make your dad sad, but it was true, he had tons of cash by appearance and you just met him. Even your thoughts weren't Dad worthy anymore. You're pretty awful.
"Eridan, stop using so many fuckin' words with Ws. Eridan, zoosmell pooplord. John, pompous asshole. Try not to trample me in your hurry to kiss eachother's ugly faces."
"Hello John. I'm Eridan, nice ta meet you."
You take his ringed hand and shake it, woah that's a lot of jewels. You wonder if they're real. You look down at his (purple) shoes. They look nice (and expensive), you're not quite sure what they are. They're not Jordans, or Nikes...
"Custom brand. If you're wwonderin'"
"Oh...they're nice! And um, sorry for staring. I'm John."
He sits down on the opposite side of the table, across from you and Karkat, grimacing at the cold seat. If you weren't so nervous, you'd point out that Karkat's butt was unnatural. But you were nervous. And in the middle of a feelings jam between the victims of one of your secrets. You were royally screwed. Maybe you're not as smooth as a smoothie. You're not even as smooth as a freakin' rock.
Chapter 10: OFF HIATUS....soon....
sorry guys its not an actual update though...
SO I AM GOING TO START WRITING THE NEXT SEVERAL CHAPTERS AND THEY WILL BE NICE CHAPTERS AND I AM SORRY ABOUT THE UNANNOUNCED HIATUS, I HAVEN'T ABANDONED THIS FIC. JUST GOT A LOT OF STUFF GOING ON.
Unless no one even really cares or remembers this fic anymore..haha...ha...sob