Natasha Romanov knows she’s hot.
This is a girl who has D cups to rival Victoria’s Secret models. This is a girl who sleeps in flimsy nightgowns and when she walks down the dormitory hallway in the morning to brush her teeth, actually struts. This is a girl who has mastered the art of seductive popsicle eating.
It’s freshman year and all the boys and half the girls on her hall have fallen in love with her. Darcy Lewis told Pepper Potts who told Tony Stark that Clint Barton, this weird archer kid, has been taking her out. Darcy knows because her friend Jane Foster has psychology 101 with Natasha and Clint always walks her to the classroom door. Also, Sif Rowan, Thor Odinson’s friend, sometimes sees Clint and Natasha work out at the school gym together.
No one knows where she came from. Phil Coulson says she’s in his Russian Literature class and that she claims to have been born in Moscow. Steve Rogers points out that if she has an accent, it’s inaudible to any of them. No one bothers to ask why on earth Phil is taking Russian Literature. They’ve accepted that he’s a mystery.
Natasha seems to be eerily good friends with Nick Fury, the surly RA for their building. Bruce Banner saw her getting lattes with Clint and some dark-haired kid he’d never seen before. Tony considers staking her dorm room out until Pepper threatens to call campus security.
“Just because she won’t sleep with you doesn’t mean there’s anything different about her. Don’t stalk the poor girl.” Pepper says disapprovingly. She’s everyone’s mom. She cleans up your vomit, sets helpful post-it notes to remind you of that five page paper due in 24 hours and best of all, will bring you coffee when you’re pulling an all-nighter because you ignored her post-it warnings.
Steve says he doesn’t feel comfortable talking about a woman that way. Steve isn’t really comfortable with anything. Whenever anyone mentions something he doesn’t understand (like snowballing or Kim Kardashian’s ass or Two Girls, One Cup) he’ll jut his lower lip out slightly and say in that same, tired voice that he’s “just a kid from Brooklyn.” No one knows what that means but Steve looks so much like a kicked puppy that they don’t push it.
“We’re not talking about Natasha in a weird way. I just want her to sleep with me.” Tony says and there’s a dull thud as Bruce hits his head on the cafeteria table. They are having their weekly Friday night carbo-load. Pepper has made the large meal mandatory in a desperate attempt to curb the amount of vomit in her life.
“I told you. She’s sleeping with Barton. Sif says they lift weights together twice a week.” Thor says proudly. There’s a moment where all the boys sigh softly, thinking of Natasha in yoga pants. Pepper looks disgusted.
“Maybe they’re work-out buddies.” Bruce says. Bruce is always optimistic. He will assume Natasha is single and interested in him until forcibly proven otherwise. Tony catcalls.
“That’s what she said.” He yelps, shoving his cheeseburger in his mouth.
“I don’t get it.” Steve says sulkily. He’s finished eating and is now taking delicate sips of milk because “calcium promotes strong bones.” Tony and Thor think that he was actually raised in a convent.
“It’s not funny.” Pepper says, shooting Tony a dirty look. Tony shrugs. Tony has taken to adding, “that’s what she said” after the most innocent phrases. It makes Steve nervous to think his speech is secretly infused with sex and annoys everyone else.
(There are a select few times Tony uses “that’s what she said” appropriately. The first of which was when Bruce was backseat-driving Thor and screeched, “Just pull out already!” Bruce refuses to drive with either of them again.)
“Can we stop talking about Natasha Romanov? There are plenty of pretty girls here.” Steve says finally. Even Pepper rolls her eyes at that. When Steve says “pretty girls,” he means Peggy Carter, the dark and beautiful tennis player. When she walks by, Tony swears he can see stars in Steve’s eyes.
“There are other hot girls here and we’ll have the pick of them tonight!” Thor says and everyone but Pepper and Steve grin.
Tonight is the biggest party of the year, or so says Phil, a junior.
“Okay, ground rules,” Pepper says. “We stay in a group. That means if you’re leaving, text me with whom and where. Secondly, I will be distributing condoms beforehand. Use them.”
Bruce raises his hand.
“What if she says she’s on birth control?” He asks. Tony snickers but Bruce is genuinely curious. Pepper sighs.
“Humor me. Also, if you are offered any sort of pharmaceutical substance, please do a quick Google search first. You’ve all charged your iPhones?”
“Yes mom.” Tony mutters. He's upset because the drugs rule was added for his benefit alone.
“Good. Try not to get hammered. We don’t want a repeat of my eighteenth birthday party.” Pepper hisses. Steve pales and even Tony looks reproachful.
“That was an accide-“ Thor begins but one look from Pepper cuts him off.
“So we assemble at ten in Tony’s room for pre-gaming?” Bruce asks.
Tony smiles. This is what he does best. People say that Tony Stark is a engineering genius set to inherit millions of dollars, but what they don’t understand is that at the end of the day, all he wants is some vodka, blaring dubstep and a pretty girl to grind against.
“Assemble!” Steve cries for emphasis and they all smile.