I'm sitting at my desk, staring at the large mirror in front of me. I hate it. I hate myself. I look like a disgusting slob. My Jewfro is wild and frizzy. My lips are plump. My body is skinny and lacks a lot of muscle despite my activity in gymnastics. I look like a fucking stick. Or a girl as some have told me. Fuck you genetics. Fuck you diabetes. I hope you're happy.
I buried my face in my arms and started to cry. I'm sick and tired of this. I can't take it anymore. I'm tired of being picked on, insulted because of my looks. Ever since that fake list in fourth grade, my looks have been on my mind. And for some reason, everyone feels the need to remind me how much I need to fix myself or I'll be "forever alone". That changed a few months ago when people found out that Stan and I were dating. Not only I am insulted for my looks; but now the girls insult me for "taking their man" because they're desperate to get into his pants. They constantly tell me that Stan is cheater and that they had a fabulous time fucking my boyfriend. The guys call me a faggot and some have beaten me up. When my mother questions my injuries, I just tell her I hurt myself from falling or I got in a fight with Cartman.
I don't know what Stan sees in me that's so attractive. We've been dating for nearly six years now. We're supposed to be celebrating our anniversary in two months. Today is Valentine's Day and he's coming over to spend the night. We have the whole house to ourselves since my parents are spending time together outside the home while Ike is on an out of state class field trip. I continued to cry in my arms. I never heard him come into my room.
"Kyle? Oh my god, Kyle!" He screamed as he tossed his backpack on the floor. He ran towards me, holding a bouquet of lilies in his left hand.
"Stan?" I said as I lifted my head up.
"Kyle! Kyle, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"
I sniffled, "Oh it's nothing…"
"No, it's not nothing. Something is wrong. Was it the kids at school again? What did those bastards do now?" Stan angrily said.
"It's nothing Stan. Please just forget about it."
He grabbed my shoulders and turned me over, "Please Kyle… tell me what's wrong. I can't bare to see you like this," he said. I saw the hurt and worry in his eyes. I couldn't hold back any longer. I bursted into tears as I quickly embraced him.
"Stan, I can't take this anymore! I hate how I look! I'm such an ugly slob! I can't take all these insults anymore."
I heard nothing from him as I cried in his shoulder.
He responded by pulling me into a tight embrace, his hand continuously sliding up and down on my hair.
"Kyle, please don't cry. You shouldn't be listening to those assholes. They have nothing better to do than put you down because they hate themselves. They don't see you the same way as I do. And I wish they did."
I lifted my head off his shoulder, "Really?"
"Of course! You know, you should think of it this way. There are over 6 billion people on this planet of ours. But there's only one Kyle. One very unique Kyle that can never be replaced. Even if you were cloned, it wouldn't be the same. You can never be replaced. Ever."
For the first time all day, I smiled. He lifted his hand and wiped my tears away before placing his hand on my cheek. I gently caressed his hand as I shut my eyes, "Stan?"
"Do you think I'm attractive?"
His eyes grew wide, "What? Oh Kyle, of course I do!"
"Do you really mean that?"
"Kyle, you could wear an oversized Terrance and Phillip t-shirt with baggy sweatpants and I'd still find you attractive. But you have to remember, It's not all about the outside. I love the inside too. You're intelligent, thoughtful, and filled with empathy. Those are all great qualities. Looks are one thing but there are other things in life that make a person attractive. And that's something that those assholes at school forgot," he explained as he placed a kiss on my forehead. I just stood there, unable to say anything.
"You know Kyle… I'll let you in on a secret."
Anxiety built in my stomach, "Every time you insult yourself… I feel hurt. I know I don't fully understand what you're going through, but it really hurts to hear you say those things about yourself. Because I don't see you as this "disgusting slob" you call yourself. I see the complete opposite. I see someone who is smart, compassionate, romantic… That's how I see it. And I wish you did too. Because it's truth."
"I-I never knew you felt that way…"
"Remember Kyle, they can say whatever they want but you shouldn't be so focused on what they think. Because you're not dating them. You're dating me."
My eyes grew wide. He was right. He was 100 percent, without a doubt, right. I was so focused on them and their insults when in reality I shouldn't have been. The only thing that really mattered was what Stan thought of me. And he loves everything about me. I can't believe I put the both of us through all this.
"I'm sorry Stan. I can't believe how stupid I've been acting lately. Do you think you can forgive me for all this?"
"Oh Kyle, of course I can. I'm just happy to see you smile again," he said. I laughed at his comment.
"Oh yeah, I forgot!" he said. He turned to my desk and grabbed the bouquet of lilies off my desk, "For you."
I smiled as I accepted his gift. I brought them close and took a quick sniff at them. I thanked him by placing a shy kiss on his lips.
"They're beautiful. Thank you!"
He smiled, "I knew you would like them. I could never forget your favourite flower."
I moved in closer, "So… what to you have planned for tonight? We have the whole house to ourselves."
"Hold on, I'll get my bag."
He walked over and picked up his backpack that he previously tossed on the floor. He picked up the bag and brought it over. He unzipped it and started digging around. He pulled out a DVD. I briefly saw the cover. It had some… questionable imagery on it.
"Now Kyle, just bare with me on this. I know neither of us like to watch porn but Kenny has been begging me to see this one and wouldn't shut up about it. So I agreed to it and he pulled some strings to get this. He told me this is one of the best gay porn films ever made. You up for it?"
My face was flushed red but I managed to crack a smile as I put his arms around his shoulders, "I guess once doesn't hurt. Maybe later tonight we could try any new moves that we learned from the movie… moves that don't break my back of course."
He smirked, "With that flexible body of yours, I don't think that would be a problem."