Chapter Text
*
I am reaching, but I fall, and the stars are black and cold as I stare into the void.
*
SC1
[GERTI cockpit. It is halfway through flight]
DOUGLAS
OK, Martin. The seat-belt sign has been on for over an hour now. And you know what that means...
MARTIN
Douglas....
DOUGLAS
Optimal conditions, I'm told. Arthur's already been around with drinks, and the man on row F seems to have been remarkably thirsty judging by the amount of times he's clicked the call button for more of the complimentary champagne. He's lucky he's a well-paying customer, Carolyn's never usually so free with the alcohol, not to clients at least. Still, it means he'll be getting remarkably wriggly about now.
MARTIN
No, Douglas. We are not playing passenger derby. Not today.
ARTHUR
[coming in]
Chaps? Seatbelt sign's still on.
DOUGLAS
It's intentional I assure you.
ARTHUR
Oh, brilliant! Derby time! It looks like a good one today - the man in row F is getting all squirmy and writhey. He starting to look like the hungry caterpillar, what with the sort of desperate glances he's shooting at the toilet cubicle.
DOUGLAS
Am I supposed to understand that reference? Or is it, I am ashamed to say, the terminology from an underground clique of avid readers of such larval adventures, the knowledge of which myself in my ignorance will never attain?
ARTHUR
You've never read 'The Hungry Caterpillar'?!
DOUGLAS
I'm afraid such a landmark of literature must have passed me by.
ARTHUR
But it's brilliant!
DOUGLAS
I imagined it would be. Anything other than 'brilliant' and I might start getting worried.
ARTHUR
So we playing then? Can I be commentator?
MARTIN
No. No, we're not playing.
ARTHUR
Oh, but Skip!
MARTIN
No, Arthur! [pause] I'm sorry... just, not today.
ARTHUR
[dejected] Oh, alright then, Skip.
MARTIN
[hastily] Next time. I promise you can be commentator next time. And you can make up all their running names, if you want?
DOUGLAS
God forbid, we reach the imaginary heights of 'The Hungry Caterpillar Man' next time.
ARTHUR
[brightens up] Cor, really Skip? That'd be fantastic!
[distant shouting]
Hang on. I'll go see what Mum wants.
MARTIN
[clicking sound]
Seatbelt light off. Altimeter and aneroid barometer showing correct atmospheric pressure.
DOUGLAS
You're unusually adamant today, Martin. I was assured that the competition between the Hungry Caterpillar Man and the woman who appears to have painted herself scarlet with sunburn from her sojourn in Tenerife would have gone down in derby legend. It would at least have been worth a bet over the brie.
MARTIN
I didn't want to bet on the cheese tray.
DOUGLAS
Afraid your usually so reliable luck would squander your rations of Emmental?
MARTIN
Yes... I mean, no, no, I just thought that someone should maintain a level of professionalism around here, that's all.
DOUGLAS
You have yet again shamed me with my conduct, oh wise one.
ARTHUR
[entering] Cheese tray, chaps!
[door shuts again]
DOUGLAS
…. Martin, I think you might start breathing those in if you eat any faster.
MARTIN
[mouth full] Mmm?
DOUGLAS
Look.... look, slow down!... Good gracious, Martin, I don't think the cheese is on a time limit. I think you can take the opportunity to not swallow them whole. Dysons appear to have less suction power than you do.
MARTIN
[coughs, embarrassed] Sorry... just a bit peckish.
DOUGLAS
I wouldn't call it peckish when you turn into the human equivalent of a hoover. [pauses] You are looking a bit peaky today, you know. Not that I often pay much attention to your usually flushed complexion, but I could probably play dot-to-dot with your abundant freckles with all the colour you've got in your cheeks.
MARTIN
Douglas!
DOUGLAS
I'm just saying! Between you and Jack Frost I think you get the most points for trying to emulate the skin tone of a snowman.
MARTIN
I'm just... I'm just tired alright? I-I didn't sleep well.
DOUGLAS
Van business doing ok?
MARTIN
What? What do you mean, why do you ask? It's fine, of course it's fine. Why wouldn't it be?
DOUGLAS
I was merely enquiring. The number of van removal jobs around the Fitton area I'm assuming is not the most stable of markets, especially when it relates directly to your bank balance.
MARTIN
Well, I'm doing fine, Douglas. It's a bit... quiet, but it often is this time of year. It'll pick up at half term, always does. [checks gauges] We're coming up to the airfield now, I better give the cabin address.