You keep forgetting who I am.
It scares me, Jim. It scares me how little there is left of you sometimes.
We’re watching crap telly, as always. “Deal or No Deal”. I hate this show and whoever that idiot presenter is, I hate him too. It’s strange, the way that you turn to me with this confused expression on your face, as if you’ve had a bag over your head that has only just been ripped off, and you’re left blinking into a bright new world with no idea what is going on.
“Who are you?” You ask. It would be funny, a joke, a wind up. I could imagine the old you doing something like that, just to watch my face twist in surprise and misunderstanding. Of course, you aren’t joking. You literally have no idea who I am or where I came from. In that moment, you don’t remember my name, my face, my voice, my scent… You don’t remember me at all, even though I’ve been sitting here next to you for the last two hours.
Well that’s what you get for shooting yourself in the head.
“Sebastian.” I answer calmly, “Sebastian Moran.”
Your brows become creased as you study me carefully. It’s as if you’re trying to remember me from a long time ago, as if I’m a face that you can’t quite seem to place, as if you hardly know me, as if I’m a total stranger to you. I suppose, in a way, I am.
“You sometimes call me ‘Sebby’.” I offer. “I smoke in your flat and it pisses you off. We share a bed when you’re in the mood. I was in the army. I’m a sniper. I have scars on my chest from when I fought off a tiger… Is any of this ringing any bells?”
“Sort of.” You answer, rubbing your chin in thought. “Say something else.”
“I love you.” My heart stops for just a moment. I’ve told you that I love you so many times that I have long since lost count, but every time I say it to you (now that you’re like this) it’s like the first time all over again.
A few moments later, it clicks, and you suddenly remember me. You laugh, but there’s no humour behind it. “God,” You say, “I’m such a total idiot. Sorry about that. How could I forget that? I love you too, Seb.”
You lean over and kiss me, and then the TV has your full attention once again, and it’s as if nothing has happened.
You have no idea how much I miss you.