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In The Closet

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“Young lady, you better have a good explanation for this!”

Jane blinked, her fingers idly running down the back of the woman curled up next to her. “What is it, Ma?”

“I was reorganising Maura’s closet…”

“Oh geez, Ma, tell me you didn’t!”

Maura rested her hand on Jane’s shoulder. “What is it, sweetheart?”

Jane turned over, kissing Maura gently. “Nothing, baby.” She felt it was safer not to scare Maura with Angela’s antics. She went back to the phone. “Ma, you better have permission to do that.”

“Who were you talking to? Who called you sweetheart?”

“Don’t change the subject. You can’t just reorganise someone’s closet without their permission.”

Maura shot up. “Who reorganised my closet? Jane!”

Jane kissed Maura again. “I’ll fix it. Relax.”

“Jane, is that Maura? How long have you two been in a relationship? I know because I found your clothes in Maura’s closet. And your underwear.”

“You went through my underwear?!” This time it was Jane who shot up from the bed, causing Maura to fall onto the pillows with an ‘oof!”

“I’ve seen you naked, Janie. Your underwear is nothing new.”

“Ma, you get out of Maura’s closet right now!”

“Please tell me she left my shoes alone,” Maura moaned.

Jane frowned. “You didn’t touch Maura’s shoes, did you? She’s really picky about her shoes.”

“I took them out of those shoeboxes and rearranged them perfectly.”

Jane wasn’t sure how to break the distressing news to Maura, so she decided to leave it. “Ma, you cannot go into people’s closets without their permission. You just can’t.”

“Jane, how long have you and Maura been in a relationship and why didn’t you tell me? I’ve seen the L Word,” Angela pointed out.

Jane’s eyes widened. “You’ve watched the L Word?”

Maura tugged at Jane. “What has your mother done to my closet? And why are you suddenly talking about the L Word?”

Jane felt like she was getting a headache from Angela in one ear and Maura in the other.

“Okay, here’s what’s going to happen. Ma, get out of Maura’s closet and relinquish the shoeboxes. Yes, Maura and I are together. Also, stay out of my underwear.”

“I want to know…”

“Bye, Ma.” Jane hung up the phone and looked over at Maura, who had a very concerned look on her face. “It’s okay, Maura. I know we weren’t going to tell everyone yet, but I figured since she worked it out…”

“I’m not worried about that,” Maura said, her hand rubbing Jane’s arm. “I love you, and I don’t care who knows.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

Maura bit her lip. “You do remember what I keep on the top shelf of the closet, don’t you?”

Jane’s eyes widened. “You mean the…the…the thing?”

“The strap-on with the vibrating bullet? Yes, that thing.”

Jane closed her eyes and flopped onto the bed. “Just let me die now.”

FINIS