Part I: So You Want to Find the Doctor
First, think it over. Are you sure you want to find the Doctor? After all, he's not exactly the safest person to be around. Get too close, and you get burned, or exterminated, or blown up, or thrown out an airlock, or left somewhere strange with a new husband. Or you might find that your past is suddenly gone and you never actually existed, which makes getting credit all but impossible. Trust us.
But if you love hurtling through time and space, crave danger and adventure, and have a penchant for leaving graffiti on museum pieces and rock walls, then finding the Doctor might be for you. Following are some helpful tips for how to go about it.
Part II: How to Find the Doctor
You are most likely to find the Doctor if you're a human female between the ages of 16 and 40. If you're not, the odds aren't in your favor, but you're welcome to try anyway. Good luck.
There are many ways to find the Doctor and get invited to travel with him on his TARDIS. While there are no absolute guarantees, the following procedure has been found to be usually effective:
1) Get yourself into danger. Preferably, world-threatening danger. Any world-threatening danger will do, but if it involves aliens, all the better. For best results, look for Daleks, as despite the vastness of the universe and all the laws of probability, the Doctor is guaranteed to run into them on a regular basis.
(Important safety tip: do not mock the Daleks, no matter how silly you think their plungers are.)
2) Once the Doctor shows up, get yourself noticed by him. The original method for this was to scream really well, but lately people have reported getting better results by saving the Doctor's life. Feel free to try both, at the same time.
3) Be capable, but need rescuing a time or two. Some people have reported success with letting themselves get hypnotized or possessed. No matter what, don't forget to continually ask the Doctor what's going on even if you already know what's going on. A little flattery here can work wonders.
4) If all has gone well, then once the aliens are conquered and the world has been saved, the Doctor will invite you along. Congratulations! However, if he doesn't, you can always try stowing away on the TARDIS instead. It's amazing how often he leaves that thing unlocked.
Part III: Which Doctor Do You Want to Find?
Obviously this comes down to personal taste, but you should be aware that there is a choice of Doctors, and if you can manage to find the one you get along with the best, you are more likely to be successful in your quest.
Choice One: Smug Doctor
Truth be told, more than one Doctor is smug -- most of them are, in fact -- but smugness is one of the defining traits of this version of the Doctor. Physically he is older-looking, with white hair that hangs to his shoulders. He's also known to be grumpy, irritating and pompous, but at least he's fond of cocoa.
Differential spotting: Be aware that there are some reports of another version of the Doctor who is similar in appearance to this one, but upon closer examination turns out to be someone completely different wearing a white wig.
Choice Two: Hobo Doctor
Short, with dark hair, this Doctor appears genial and harmless, but is actually genial and very dangerous. But on the plus side, he's genial. He plays the recorder, so if you like music, you might want to try for a different Doctor.
Choice Three: Dandy Doctor
Tall, with white hair, this Doctor wears velvet and a cape, and he likes to drive a bright yellow sports car. So all in all, he's hard to miss. To get noticed by this Doctor, try wearing a miniskirt, working for UNIT and being good at passing test tubes.
Choice Four: Bohemian Doctor
An easy Doctor to spot, this one has curly brown hair and big teeth, and he wears a very long scarf. A good choice if you're fond of jelly babies, and not fond of knowing where you're going. This Doctor is especially recommended if you live in Aberdeen, since he's likely to leave you there anyway.
Choice Five: Cricket Doctor
Another Doctor who's easy to spot, this one looks younger, and he wears an Edwardian cricket outfit with celery on the lapel. This Doctor seems to take anyone who wanders in, so just invite yourself along and chances are he'll let you join him. If that doesn't work, you can try to kill him with a rock. You'll be on the TARDIS in no time.
Choice Six: Tasteless Doctor
This Doctor has curly hair, a bombastic style and an incredibly obnoxious coat. If you're color blind, or wish to become color blind, this Doctor is for you. He's reported to be initially difficult to manage, but trainable after awhile. He responds especially well to threats of carrot juice and promises of chocolate cake.
Choice Seven: Question Mark Doctor
This Doctor is shorter, with a Scottish accent. He's very easy to spot: just look for the question marks. No, really. Question marks. This will make sense if you ever see him. He's friendly, but extremely dangerous. If you think you've talked him into letting you travel with him, it was probably his plan all along.
Choice Eight: Amnesia Doctor
This Doctor suffers from regular lapses of memory and is therefore one of the easier Doctors to get yourself attached to; just tell him you've been his companion for years. A great choice if you can find him, but be aware that if he says he's in San Francisco, he's probably really in Vancouver. He enjoys both snogging and footwear.
Choice Nine: U-Boat Captain Doctor
Tall, with short hair and a leather jacket, this Doctor is a good option if you are a young, blonde female. If you're not a young, blonde female, you might still manage to get onto the TARDIS if you are found attractive by young, blonde females. Warning: this Doctor is not recommended if you have abandonment issues or are allergic to Dalek dust.
Choice Ten: Talkative Doctor
This Doctor wears a suit with trainers, and he's very good at talking. Seriously, he talks a lot. But if you hang on in there and nod when he stops for breath, then eventually you'll be able to get a word in edgewise, or talk over him, or snog him to shut him up. Be advised that people who have an aversion to being left in parallel universes should not travel with this Doctor.
Choice Eleven: Bow Tie Doctor
Another young-looking Doctor, this one has dark hair, a tweed coat and a bow tie. Some people have reported a rare fez-wearing variant, although it's unclear whether he exists. It's also unclear whether you will exist after you meet this Doctor, or whether you will ever have been born in the first place. But if you enjoy timey-wimey paradoxes and the Roman Empire, this Doctor is a great choice. Watch out for cracks.
Although other Doctors are rumored to exist, there have as yet been no confirmed sightings of them. However, if you want to be among the first to photograph a brand-new Doctor, your best chance is to hang out in a lot of Welsh quarries. We have no idea why this is the case.