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Hey, Dr. Banner, I think I need a physical.
- CB

Clint, I’m not a medical doctor.
- BB

But I have some bitemarks that need looking at.
- CB

Well, I’m guess I’m qualified to take a little look...
- BB

Be careful, they’re fresh.
- CB

Oh, I’m quite aware of that.
- BB

Hm, kinky.
- TS

THE FUCK
- CB

JESUS Tony!!!
- BB

Hey, it's not my fault that none of you know how to work your phones.
- TS

You mean the phones that YOU designed?
- BB

That’s a low blow.
I’m out of here.
- TS

Thank god.
Now, where were we?
- CB

I’m not sure if I’m still in the mood, after that.
- BB

But I’m still naked.
- CB

Tell me more.
- BB

- - -

bruuuce?
are yuo ther?
- TS

Tell me where you are so I can send Steve.
- BB

NNO WAIT
No steve, not yet
I haveto tell you somehing
- TS

Okay, what?
- BB

Yo’urr my best friend
i mean that
- TS

Well, thanks, I guess
- BB

No nonono no
no
i really men it
like Steves my best friend, but inna different way
like i care about you the same amount but i dont stare at your ass
know what i mean?
- TS

Sure.
- BB

if something happened to you i wouldlose it
be worse tan when i got the arc rractirr
i care about you THIS MUCH
im hoding out my hands ouit but you cant see it
- TS

Well, I care about you that much, too.
- BB

really?
thats alot
are we bffs
- TS

Best friends forever?
Yeah, I guess we are.
- BB

Aw
...Oops.
- SR

Oh for christ’s sakes, again?
- BB

Sorry.
I volunteer to have a talk with Tony about user-friendly phones when he sobers up.
- SR

If you do that, I’ll carry his drunk ass home.
- CB

Clint too? Who else is here?
- BB

Me.
- NR

Me, as well.
- JF

This is going to be the best “texts from last night” submission EVER.
- DL

Good evening, Dr. Banner.
- PC

Tony’s lucky he’s cute.
- PP

Pfft, not even.
- RR

I believe in his altered state of mind, our friend Anthony accidentally pressed the button that reads “send all.”
- TO

Well, there goes Stark Industries stocks.
- CB

Not to worry, he has a separate phone for business purposes.
- PP

guys ui see staras
- TS

He also has a GPS tracker in his personal phone.
- PP

Thanks, Clint.
- BB

Yes, thank you.
- SR

The things I do for love.
- CB

- - -

Fair lady Jane, were you experiencing pain in your being at that particular moment?
- TO

At what moment?
Thor, did someone tell you what periods are?
- JF

Nay, I was referring to the moment you dropped down from the heavens above.
- TO

Oh, Thor.
Nobody can say you aren’t sincere.
- JF

Thank you, my heart’s dearest.
But now my curiosity is piqued, are periods not the dots with which to end a sentence?
- TO

No, that is exactly what they are.
- JF

- - -

Clint, could I get some advice?
- NR

Beer before liquor, never been sicker.
- CB

Smartass.
Pepper’s birthday is coming up, I can’t figure out a gift. Tony’s closest to her, but he’s a blabbermouth.
It’s been way too long since I bought someone a birthday present, I’m downright clueless.
- NR

Hmm, this seems familiar somehow. Not sure why, but anyways.
I guess the best kind of gift fulfills a person’s biggest need. So just figure out what Pepper needs, and find something to match that.
- CB

That gives me an idea.
Thanks, you were actually helpful for once in your life.
- NR

Tasha, you are a sassy bitch, stay that way.
- CB

- - -

Hey Pepper, do you know where Tony is? He’s not answering his phone.
- RR

No idea, I’ve been in bed all day.
- PP

Oh, you sick, or just having a good time with your Russian friend?
- RR

Neither, my old mattress was replaced by a Hastens Vividus courtesy of Natasha.
This probably cost more than a BMW. Don’t know how she got it, don’t care.
All is bed.
- PP

I’d say have a happy birthday, but I think that’s taken care of.
So, sleep well.
- RR

- - -

Greetings! I hope you do not find this too abrupt, but I was thinking of you today and I felt myself become inclined to a romantic interlude with you.
- TO

...Me?
-TS

But of course! Who else would I be so inclined to?
- TO

Uh, a certain scientist?
- TS

I see what you are doing, you are playing coy when you know that you ARE that certain scientist.
Come now, lovely one, it is not fair to keep me waiting so long.
- TO

Uh, I’m flattered I guess. But I’m already taken.
You should know that.
- TS

WHAT?!
JANE DEAREST, HOW CAN THIS BE?
DO MINE EYES DECEIVE ME? PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS SO!
- TO

Thor, this is TONY.
I think someone changed your contacts as a joke.
- TS

OH.
THANK GOODNESS, I WAS NEARLY TORN APART AT SUCH A THOUGHT.
WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING?
- TO

Um, didn’t you visit Loki yesterday?
- TS

I SUPPOSE IT MUST HAVE BEEN MY BROTHER, NO ONE ELSE WOULD BE ABLE TO.
HOW PETULANT. NOW I MUST SEND MESSAGES OF TEXT TO EVERYONE AND DISCOVER WHO HAS BEEN CHANGED TO WHOM.
- TO

Maybe you should leave your phone at home next time you visit Asgard. Not like you can get service there anyways.
Also, I think you can turn off caps lock now.
- TS

NAY, THESE LARGER LETTERS SUIT ME MUCH BETTER.
- TO

- - -

Hey, how’s the injury healing?
- CB

What do you want, Barton?
- PC

Jeez, can’t a guy ask how someone is feeling anymore?
You took a chair to the face, I’m legitimately concerned!
- CB

I don’t doubt that you’re concerned, but if that was all, you would just come and see me.
Ergo, you must need a favour, but want to be sure I’m up to it before you ask.
- PC

I have a surprise planned for me and Bruce’s anniversary next week, and I need your help with two things.
First, I need you to get the whole team to come to a karaoke bar next Thursday night, barring international emergency. If you ask, they’ll listen.
- CB

Easy enough. My health doesn’t come into that.
- PC

It might for the second one.
I need you to use that secret talent you once told me about. Just for a few minutes, can you do that?
- CB

I believe so. I’m nearly fully healed now.
I’ll do both on two conditions.
- PC

Name them.
- CB

First, I want you to fill out that employee relationships paperwork you were supposed to fill out exactly one year ago.
Second, I would like to call “dibs” on the seat next to Rogers for the rest of the outing.
- PC

Consider it done.
You might have to fight Stark for that second one, though.
- CB

The Captain has two sides, Stark can share.
- PC

- - - *Next Thursday*

Oh my god, Natasha, get out here. You are missing out.
- TS

I’m in the bathroom. Give me a damn minute.
- NR

You don’t understand.
Clint is serenading Bruce with a guy version of “Isn’t She Lovely.”
- TS

He does that all the time.
Wait, is Bruce going green?
- NR

No, Bruce is fine.
Dying of embarrassment, but not angry.
COULSON IS PLAYING THE HARMONICA
Hurry! He’s doing the solo part!
- TS

Berightthere
- NR

- - -

What are you wearing?
- SR

Are you trying to have phone sex with me?
- TS

Well...yes.
- SR

That’s adorable.
- TS

Tony!
Puppies are adorable. Babies are adorable. Your partner, who you know very well is not the prude the public makes him out to be, trying to talk dirty with you is NOT adorable.
- SR

Is someone a little wound up from not seeing me for a week, hmm?
You know, I could just get in the suit, come have actual sex with you, and be back before my next meeting.
- TS

Christ, why didn’t you mention that before you left?
I did two hours of research for nothing!
- SR

You did that much research on phone sex?
That’s so cute.
- TS

TONY.
- SR

In suit now.
- TS

- - - *Halfway through a round of “the question game”*

I don’t think that doctor is EVER coming back, good thing they let me bring my phone to the exam room. I’ve never been so bored.
Your turn to ask.
- CB

Alright. If you had to live anywhere else in the world, where would you live and why?
- BB

Zurich, Switzerland. Went there once. Relaxing, but definitely not boring.
My turn: Favourite body part of partner and why? ;)
- CB

Haha.
Your arms, they’re very strong and they don’t talk.
- BB

All the better to hold you with, my de-HEY
- CB

Moving on, strangest place you’ve woken up after blacking out drunk?
- BB

Oh, you know me so well.
In a vending machine, actually.
- CB

What, like one in a dump?
- BB

Nope, normal operating one. Had candy in it, big glass window, the usual.
- CB

...HOW?
- BB

I spent the entirety of that hangover trying to figure it out, still don’t have an answer.
- CB

- - -

Steve, help
- TS

Where are you? Are you hurt?
- SR

No
The freezing from my root canal just wore off
- TS

Tony! That is not an emergency, don’t scare me like that!
- SR

I never said it was an emergency!
- TS

You marked the text “urgent!”
- SR

It is urgent! I feel like I took your shield to my jaw!
- TS

Well, what do you want me to do about it?
- SR

Bring me some goddamn Advil!
- TS

Get it yourself, you’re a big boy.
- SR

I can’t, they gave me one of those happytime pills and I get really dizzy when I stand up.
I’ll pay you back.
- TS

Okay, okay, but have some bread beforehand. I know Pepper left you some.
I’m not contributing to your ulcer any more than you already have.
- SR

I don’t have an ulcer.
That I know of.
OW JESUS FUCK NO
EATING HURTS LIKE A BITCH
- TS

Chew on the other side, genius!
- SR

I am!! It still hurts!
Jesus, how long does it take to go to the corner store?
- TS

I’m just leaving now.
You should be nicer to me, I could go to the press with this.
The headline would read “Tony Stark: Genius, billionaire, philanthropist, gigantic wuss”
Or, “Tony Stark After the Dentist”
- SR

Or “Steve Rogers: Needlessly Cruel, Un-American Boyfriend”
- TS

Subtitled “Was Considering Cheering Up Partner with Shoulder Rub, Now Reconsidering”
- SR

Actually, then they printed a retraction of the whole thing in the next issue.
- TS

I bet they did.
Almost home.
- SR

- - -

Thor, you really ought to stop using the Hulk as a “mighty steed.”
- BB

I SAY THEE NAY!
- TO

- - -

It’s poetry in motion,
- TS

She turned her tender eyes to me,
- BB

As deep as any ocean,
- TS

As sweet as any harmony,
- BB

Mmm, but she blinded me with science
- TS

She blinded me, with science!
- BB

And failed me in biology
- TS

Can’t you two ask for my assistance like normal people?
- JF

Tony suggested we call you and actually sing, be glad we picked this option.
- BB

Hey! You’re dating a Norse god, you shouldn’t even be allowed to say that word.
- TS

You’re both right, be right there.
- JF

- - -

DO YOU LIKE YOUR GIFTS, BROTHER?
- TO

This cellular device holds potential, but why did you send me a bunch of handbags?
You always were terrible with gifts, but this is just bizarre.
Also, why are you typing like that?
- LL

SO THAT YOU MAY NOW SAY THAT YOU ARE BURDENED WITH GLORIOUS PURSES.
LOKI?
- TO

Your attempts at jokes make me glad we’re not actually related.
- LL

AS LONG AS THEY MAKE YOU GLAD, I AM HAPPY.
- TO

Seriously, stop typing like that. You’re giving me a migraine.
I didn’t even know I could get those.
- LL

- - -

You know, it’s a good thing Dr. Banner is such a considerate and respectful man.
- NR

Yes, he’d never be able to work with Stark otherwise.
- PC

That too.
But I mean we wouldn’t be able to give him the “Break Clint’s heart and we break your knees” talk with any sort of seriousness.
- NR

True enough.
- PC

- - -

Hey, I have an idea for an experiment we should try some time.
- TS

Oh? What is it?
- BB

It’s to do with Steve’s supersoldier serum.
I’m wondering how it affects his susceptibility to the energizing effects of glucose, fructose, galactose, and sucrose.
- TS

...You want to see how much it’ll take for Cap to get a sugar rush?
- BB

Caffeine should also be looked at.
If he can’t get drunk from alcohol, can he get a rush from these types of substances?
- TS

Hmm, this isn’t really my area. But I’ll admit, I am curious.
Though we might have trouble getting Cap to agree to it.
- BB

Why? He likes helping us out.
- TS

Well, giving the sugars by IV would alter the results.
So he’d have to ingest them.
- BB

Oh yeah.
Well, he IS a supersoldier. I think he can suck up his lack of a sweet tooth for a little while.
- TS

Sucking up a lack of sweet tooth =/= eating plain sugar in large quantities. Serum or no serum.
Also, he doesn’t trust you with sugar-related anything since the pop rocks thing.
We’ll have to shelve that part of the experiment for now.
- BB

Damn.
That prank was totally worth it though.
Can we still try the caffeine one?
- TS

Sure. Find out his favourite type of soda, and go buy 80 cases of it.
Only good things can come from this.
- BB

- - -

God damn it.
I was going to tell you something, but I lost the thought.
QUICK BANNER, TO THE STARKMOBILE!
WE MUST CATCH THAT THOUGHT!
- TS

Yeah, which one.
- BB

Nananananananananananananananananana
IRON MAN
- TS

- - -
hey tesha is your frefdetor running?
cause its killing me!!!!!!!
- CB

Clint, you are drunk-dialling me at 3 in the morning.
Because of our friendship, I’m only going to maim you.
- NR

lol youre funny
- CB

- - - *Mid-conversation*

So that’s the plan for the New Year’s party, sound good?
- TS

Sounds awesome.
- CB

Could be fun.
- BB

Agreed.
- NR

Sure!
- SR

This text, I like it!
- TO

Please tell me you didn’t just throw your phone on the ground.
- BB


Shit, I literally JUST finished upgrading his phone.
Now I have to do it all over again.
- TS

Maybe someone should have a talk with Thor about you know, NOT throwing Midgardian objects on the ground, eh?
- BB

1
2
3
Not it!
- TS

Not it!
- NR

Not it!
- SR

Not it!
- BB

Not it!
Dammit!
- CB

- - -

Hey, Tony?
- CB

You just woke me up
You had better be on fire
- TS

- - -

Ugh, these meetings never end.
- TS

Let’s have a spelling contest!
- SR

Sure!
Wait, what?
- TS

;)
- SR

Steve?
Did Clint teach you about trolling, too?
- TS

- - -

Happy
- TS

birthday
- SR

to you,
- CB

Happy
- NR

birthday
- BB

TO YOU,
- TO

Happy
- TS

birthday
- SR

DEAR
- CB

COULSON!
- NR

HAPPY
- BB

BIRTH ANNIVERSARY
- TO

TO
- TS

YOOOOOOOOU!
- SR

And many moreeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
- CB

Who told you all it was my birthday?
- PC

Fury.
- NR

Hmm, I suppose I can’t taser him then.
- PC

We didn’t mean to be a bother, Agent. We just wanted to show our appreciation.
- SR

Yeah, I’m surprised babysitting us hasn’t driven you into early retirement.
- CB

CLINT BAKED YOU A CELEBRATORY CAKE, AND THE REST OF US ACQUIRED SOME GIFTS FOR YOU.
- TO

We’d like to bring them up to your office at lunchtime, if you’re not previously engaged.
- BB

Don’t worry, our group present is to behave ourselves. I didn’t even buy you a stripper.
- TS

Tony!
- SR

I’m standing right in front of you! Why are you scolding me through text?
- TS

We’ll make sure they’re done bickering by lunch.
Anyways, don’t try to hide. Natasha will find you.
- CB

Yes, yes I will.
- NR

You’re all going to be in a world of trouble.
After cake.
- PC

FIN

Post-Credits Scene
The gifts are as follows:
Clint: The most amazing, delicious, detailed birthday cake the world has ever seen (on which he wrote “39 and Holding,” earning a Coulson Smirk).
Natasha: Supernanny boxset.
Steve: A new harmonica, and a handmade card that everyone (not just the Avengers) signed.
Tony: Plane tickets and ten day’s stay in Portland.
Director Fury: Ten days of mandatory vacation time.
Pepper: Big band music CD’s.
Bruce: Relaxation CD’s and a pair of socks (“It’s not a birthday unless you get new socks”).
Thor: A balloon, and goody bags for everyone (composed of noisemakers, Mardi Gras beads, candy, temporary tattoos, bookmarks, pencils, and small puzzles, all Avengers-themed (Steve promised to never let Thor into a dollar store again, Coulson didn’t mind because he got the Captain America-themed one)).

Real FIN