Sirius first memory of Fabian is him on a motorcycle when he visited his cousin Molly and her husband. He had been 17 and thought he was cool – well, until he saw Fabian on his black motorcycle with his black clothes and his long, red hair streaming over his back under his helmet.
Fabian swung one of his long legs over his machine and took his helmet off, a big grin on his face.
'He Mols, picking up stray dogs?'
She swatted at him.
'Fabian! This is our cousin Sirius.'
'Mols, we have at least a hundred cousins.'
'I'm Sirius Black.' Sirius said indignantly.
'A Black, that of course makes a difference.' They stared at each other until Fabian cracked a grin.
'Relax, Sirius, we're all on the 'good' side of the family.'
'Sirius lives here until he finds a place of his own.' Molly told Fabian as he threw an arm around her shoulders.
'I'm sure,' he said, with his eyes fixed on Sirius: 'that you can teach him everything he needs to know about cooking and cleaning.'
Sirius looked as if he wanted to protest but Fabian interrupted him before he could even open his mouth.
'Don't worry, boy, I think I can teach you a thing or two about driving.'
In that summer Sirius and Fabian were practically inseparable. Sirius actually learned a bit about cooking and house cleaning from Molly, but Fabian was – cool. He helped Sirius finding a cheap flat in London and when Sirius wasn't with James he was with Fabian, learning how to drive. Over the summer he spent a lot of time pressed against Fabian, either with his chest or his back and at night he jerked off to the feeling of Fabian 's chest pressed against his back and his arms tightly around Sirius' waist. He didn't say anything because he was afraid of Fabian's reaction, or James' for that matter. He didn't know about the muggle world but among wizards homosexuality was frowned upon, if not more.
The summer ended and Sirius went back to Hogwarts for his last year. He didn't expect Fabian to remember him but at the end of the first week, an owl landed on his shoulder with a note that had two crawled sentences on it:
How was your first week?
Next Hogsmead weekend?
James leaned over his shoulder and asked:
'Got a girlfriend?'
Sirius shook his head.
'No, it's from Fabian, he's a cousin.'
'What? A family member you like?' James mocked him.
'Fabian is Molly's brother.' Sirius defended his cousin. James looked as if he had not said everything yet but Remus and Peter joined them and distracted James.
Fabian waited for him in Hogsmead, leaning against a wall and looking like a walking sin with his black clothes and red hair, especially on a bleak day as that day.
'Where did you leave your bike?'
'Around the corner. Or did you want to show off in front of your friends?'
'Why would I want to do that?'
'In your dreams.' Fabian laughed and threw an arm around Sirius' shoulders.
'Learned your lesson, then?'
'I had a very good teacher.' Sirius, high on emotion and hormones, cocked his head and grinned in a way that usually let the girls melt into a puddle of goo. Fabian, however, showed no reaction to Sirius' try.
To be pressed against Fabian was as exiting as it had ever been. Turn after turn, up into the mountains. He hadn't asked Fabian where they would go and he didn't care as long as it took the whole day. Even though Sirius had barely admitted it to himself, he had missed Fabian.
Suddenly they stopped at what seemed to be an abandoned gazebo and Sirius supposed that most people would be entranced with the view – mountains around a lake, a magnificent view even on a clouded day – but Sirius only noticed the bright glow of Fabian's red hair. he leaned against the motorcycle and as he watched Fabian lean over the railing. Fabian seemed to be satisfied with what he saw down there and turned to Sirius.
'Want to do something really exciting? Since it's your one afternoon in freedom.'
'Hey! School's not that bad.'
'Why are you here then?' Fabian asked challengingly.
'You've told me to come.'
'And you did, didn't you?' Fabian murmured with a sly smile.
'Why are we here?'
Fabian motioned him to sit down on the motorcycle first and climbed on it behind him, but instead of wrapping his arms around Sirius' waist, he put his hands on the driver next to Sirius'.
Sirius put his foot on the gas, but instead of back on the street Fabian steered them right over the railing and – Sirius screamed before he realised that they weren't falling, they were flying. They were goddamn flying. He could feel Fabian's laughter more than he could hear it.
'You Bastard!' He yelled, half angry, half excited. This was better than any broom! He leaned a bit back into Fabian and let the excitement wash over him.
They landed in the valley, near the lake. Sirius' legs trembled slightly as he climbed from the motorcycle.
'Careful.' Fabian steadied him with an a hand on his arm. His hand was warm, Sirius could feel that, even through his jacket and Fabian's glove. And Fabian's concerned look made his innards twist and turn. Then, Fabian's look was replaced with the familiar, cocky grin.
'You dropped us off of a cliff.' Sirius argued: 'Everyone would've screamed.'
But Fabian crowded him against the motorcycle.
'I could tell your friends that you screamed like a little girl.'
'What would you do against that?' belatedly, Sirius realised that Fabian flirted with him.
'This.' He growled and yanked Fabian into a kiss.
When Sirius came back to Hogwarts, he felt giddy and happy as if he was drunk, drunk on kisses and touches.
James, Remus and Peter wanted to know where he had been, but Sirius only told them about the flying motorcycle (not that that wasn't exciting, just not as exciting as Fabian's kisses).
The rest of the year continued very much like that: owls with two or three liner letters and meetings where they would drive to some abandoned spot to fly and kiss and touch, but never more. Sirius once tried but Fabian stopped him with a growl.
'Forget it, kid.'
'I'm not a kid.'
'By the law you are and I'm not going to go to Askaban, even not for fucking you.'
Sirius opened his mouth to protest but Fabian stopped him with a smirk and a finger over his lips.
'Besides, it's way too cold out here.'
'Hey, Sirius, want to spend the vacations at my place or are you going to dumb me for your cousin?' James asked casually one December evening. Sirius swallowed and told himself that James knew nothing and just made a joke.
'What do you mean?' Sirius asked nonchalantly.
'Come on, you know what I mean. Every time you can, you and your cousin take off. It's like we don't exist when he's around.' James leaned closer and asked in a mischievous grin on his lips.
'Are you in love with him?' He laughed at his own joke. Sirius remained stiff. He had never thought about that question, had never thought about much beside that cool motorcycle and that he wanted to be with Fabian as much as possible. James gave him a nudge in the ribs:
'Don't sulk. I know you're not one of them.'
'What if I was?' Sirius asked, his heart beating hard in his chest. James' laughter died on his lips.
'What would you do?'
'Well,' James' laugh was short and uncertain: 'I don't know. But you're not one of them, are you?'
And for the first time Sirius lied outright in his best friend's face:
Christmas came and went and James was dating Lily and stopped complaining about Sirius' disappearances on their free weekends. Sirius felt vaguely guilty for leaving Remus alone with Peter the whole time, but his dreams and thoughts were filled with Fabian's kisses and touches. His birthday couldn't come soon enough. He ached with anticipation, replayed in his head the things Fabian had whispered in his ears when he pressed himself against Sirius each time he let Sirius drive the motorcycle.
Finally, finally it was April and Sirius turned seventeen. He celebrated it with James and Remus and Peter and counted in his head the seconds left until he would see Fabian again.
Fabian kissed him and kissed him and kissed him until Sirius thought his lungs would explode.
'I'm not a kid anymore.' Sirius panted as they parted.
It was the first time. Sure, Sirius had flirted, had kissed and touched a few girls but it had never gone this far. He had never felt what he felt now. The soaring happiness, the deep, nearly painful pleasure, the constant sweet ache.
Fabian's arms felt warm and safe around Sirius' body and Sirius wanted to tell him, that he was the first, that he had never done this before.
They would have to part soon. Sirius curled his arm tightly around Fabian's chest. He didn't want to let go, not now, not ever.
Fabian's hand stroke Sirius' hair.
'It's going to be okay, Sirius.' Fabian said in a low, soft voice:
'It's going to be okay.'
And Sirius knew that Fabian was as afraid of the future as he was.
The summer came and with it came exams and more and more news about death and torture and missing people. Fabian worked for the Order of the Phoenix and during the now even rarer occasions they saw each other, fear tensed the atmosphere between them, fear to lose the other. Sirius would join the order as soon as he finished school, as would James, Remus, Peter and Lily.
People turned up dead or tortured to insanity, others vanished without a trace. Fear and terror reigned. Rumours and incidents spoke of a traitor among them. Mistrust ruled their life's.
Sirius found that he relied on Fabian now more than ever. They shared urgent kisses when they could spare a moment and hurried sex when they could be interrupted at any moment by the ever present danger.
Diving off of a cliff with Fabian's motorcycle reminded them both of a time when the world had still been whole.
Sirius trusted Fabian more than even his oldest friends. Someone was a traitor. He didn't think it was James, but then he had never trusted James with his relationship with Fabian and lied to him every time his love life became a topic between them. Peter was just a follower, too scared to give them up. Remus on the other hand, had always been a good liar and an even better actor and he was by far the smartest of them. Sirius felt disgusted by himself to think like that about his friend.
When had their lives become this hell?
'I want to come with you.'
'Sirius, we talked about this. Gideon is coming with me.'
'I'm as good with magic as Gideon is. I can come with you.'
'It's dan – '
'I know that it's dangerous! Everything we do is dangerous.'
'Dumbledore decided that you won't be part of this mission. I can't change that, Sirius.'
Fabian took a strand of Sirius' hair and pulled lightly until Sirius looked at him.
'What happens to me if something happens to you?'
'Then you get to keep my bike.' Fabian tried to joke but Sirius didn't react. Fabian sighed.
'If something happens to me then you keep on fighting. Keep an eye on your friends and don't agonize Molly too much, okay?' Sirius made a face and Fabian laughed.
'She's just a bit overprotective.' Fabian turned to go, when Sirius' hand wrapped itself around Fabian's wrist and stopped him. Fabian looked at him and Sirius swallowed the lump in his throat. The silence lasted, then Fabian smiled reassuringly.
'I'll be careful, don't worry.' Then he was gone.
'No!' thought Sirius: 'No, that wasn't what I wanted to tell him. That wasn't what I wanted to hear from him.'
He caught up with Fabian outside the front door. Sirius took two steps at once and kissed him.
'I love you.'
'I love you too, boy.' Sirius tried to grimace at that nickname but a big and ridiculously happy grin split his face.
'Gideon and Fabian were extraordinary men and they will be terribly missed by all of us.' Dumbledore finished the eulogy. Sirius had his gaze fixed on the caskets, the empty caskets he reminded himself. The Death Eaters had left nothing of Fabian and Gideon. When the news of the fight had first spread, Sirius had held up the hope that they had been captured. Eight dead Death Eaters. It hadn't been impossible. Until the Order had captured one of them and he had told them what had happened under the influence of veritaserum.
How Fabian had died.
Sirius left the wake. It was a sunny day outside, a perfect, beautiful, crisp winter day. Fabian's motorcycle glinted in the sunlight. Sirius felt nauseous. He remembered vividly how they had washed it together, mere days before the mission. He remembered the uttermost care and devotion with which Fabian had touched it.
It was Remus. Sirius had to hold onto every bit of restraint he had not to snap.
'You're a traitor! This all happened just because of you. Go away you monster.' Yelled a black voice within him, a voice that wanted to lash out in its anger and hurt.
Before he could do anything, he bend over and threw up, on the street, in front of Remus – his friend.
Remus put a gentle hand on Sirius' back and rubbed to ease the tension out of his body.
'I'm sorry, Sirius.'
'What are you sorry for?'
'I'm sorry for your loss.' That statement made Sirius stand up straight and stare at Remus.
'I knew.' Remus said simply.
'You never said anything.'
'I saw you lying to James and thought that you wouldn't appreciate any action from my side.'
'I was always afraid that if you'd find out, you would hate me, call me a…' he trailed off, remembering that he was talking to Remus.
'A monster?' Remus finished for him.
'Yes.' Sirius answered ruefully.
'If you need anything, I'm here.'
Sirius sat down on the motorcycle and started the engine. He needed to get away, to get out as far as possible.
He didn't stop until the mountains arose around him. He raced along the street and closed his eyes. He broke through the crash barriers