"Repugnant, hetero-normative traditionalist clap-trap."
"Oh, for the love of - may I remind you that we're married?"
"We went to the courthouse, John! The only sensible way to marry if one insists upon it. I'm talking about weddings - blushing brides, ridiculous flowers, weeping mothers, sniveling children in formal wear! Why are we doing this?"
"Because Greg and Molly are our friends, and they want us there. Now hold still, for chrissakes. How the hell is it that I know how to tie a bow tie and you don't?"
"Well it isn't really necessary information, is it? One doesn't often expect to get shanghaied into giving the bride away at a wedding."
"You weren't shanghaied. Molly asked you - which took a lot of courage, by the way - and you said yes."
"I was under duress."
"You were not."
"You were giving me a look. There was murder in your eyes."
"You said yes because today means a lot to Molly, and you can't pretend she doesn't mean anything to you so don't try. We're going to go, you're going to behave yourself, and it'll be over before you know it. Just be glad you don't have to stand at the front of the church dressed like a prat. If either of us should be complaining, it should be me."
"Oh, but I think you look quite dashing. That cravat really suits you."
"Arse. I look a pillock, but it's fine. There's nowhere else I'd rather be this afternoon than performing my best man duties."
"Nowhere else? Really?"
"Not even in bed? With me?"
"I know exactly what you're trying to do, and no. We don't have time."
"What time is it?"
"Half three -"
"Ah, see? We aren't meant to be at the church until five. Plenty of time!"
"We've only just gotten dressed..."
"It took five minutes, your argument is invalid. To the bedroom!"
"...Fine. But you're leaving the bow tie on. I'm not tying that damned thing again."